Bipolar: The Hardest Part for Most of Us

Hi,

Are you familiar with The Serenity Prayer? It goes like this:

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

———————————————————————————————————————

Well, today I’d like to talk about the “accept the things I cannot change” part. This is probably the hardest part for most of us to do, especially when dealing with a loved one who has bipolar disorder. It’s natural for us to want to change things we do not like, or the way things are going if we don’t like them, or to even want to change our loved ones if we don’t like the way they are acting.

The problem is, we can’t do any of that. We especially cannot change our loved ones, because you can’t change another person – they have to change themselves. It’s trying to change the things you CAN’T change that leads to stress and anxiety, which are bad for you.

They are even worse for your loved one, Because if they try to change things that they can’t change and they experience stress and anxiety over it, this can even lead to depression, which can lead to a bipolar episode for them. So both of you need to learn to accept the things you cannot change. Because for both of you, stress and anxiety can be bad.

So how do you do that (accept the things you cannot change)? Especially when it comes to
your loved one and their bipolar disorder? First, let’s look at some truths about change. There are some things you CAN change, but there are other things you CAN’T change.

You can’t change other people. It’s up to them to change themselves. And that’s only if they want to – you can’t do it for them. You can’t always change the situation around you (although sometimes you can, and I’ll talk about that in a minute). You can’t change the world, as much as you might like to sometimes. You can’t change the place you’re in, usually.

Especially in this economy. Most of us are lucky to be holding on to our homes these days, and couldn’t afford another house even if we wanted to. You can’t change things. Things just are the
way they are. For example, you just can’t change the fact that your loved one has bipolar disorder. It’s just a fact. You may not like it, but you also can’t change it.

The only thing you can do about things you can’t change is to accept them. A friend of mine told me this quote from one of her daily readings, and I think it applies here:

“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.”

I think that’s what it’s all about. Finding serenity, or peace of mind, in whatever situation you’re in. In other words, accepting what you can’t change. If you can come to the place where you
can accept that your loved one has bipolar disorder and you can’t change that fact, then you can do something about it – You can start learning how to manage it.

Remember the old expression, “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade?” Well, this is sort of the same thing. You can work with what you have, if you accept it. If you don’t, it won’t get you anywhere, anyway. And it might make you sick, trying to change what you can’t change, getting all stressed out. And that is something you DON’T want!

For a supporter, maybe stress won’t put you into a bipolar episode like it might your loved one, but the stress can make you not as good a supporter as you can be, if you don’t accept the things you can’t change.

The main point I’m trying to make is to accept the things you can’t change, and work with the things you CAN change, and you’ll be much more able to be the supporter you want (and need) to be.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

 

  1. As I was visiting a relative (did i mention I have a perfect family)? I was walking up the stairs and I saw the Serenity Prayer ironically! I’ve always said the Lord’s prayer but this one really took the cake for me in such an awesome place too!

    I can’t change the fact that’s where I saw the prayer!

  2. Dave,

    great discussion on accepting the things you can’t change.

    I agree with your message, acceptance is the only thing you can do about something that can’t change.

    But I think one thing I’d add, is that once you choose to accept, the next step is to determine how you might be able to change your ownself as to how you relate to this unchangable issue. This is nothing new really, many of your messages relate examples of how changing your own behavior can improve the overall relationship with your loved one. But in my life, realizing that I have this power to make a change within yourself, one that has a real chance of improving a relationship with my loved one, has been a real epiphany for me. And honestly I have to thank you for your frequent emails, they do tend to be very helpful.

  3. Hi, David, I’m bipolar, and my whole family tries to tell me what to do. We’re a family of too many indian chiefs, and not enough indians. It upsets me sometimes. I also see things about them I don’t like that I should accept, in order to get more peace. My trick is prayer and silent, contemplative meditation, good counselors, and just taking my meds religiously, then picking my battles, when I have to.

  4. praise god a answer after 20 years ,thank you for the serenity pray god bless you from joy

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