I have not been diagnosed with bi polar yet but going by all the symptoms I match alot of them. I have always had several mood changes and especially bursts of anger. I have lots of anxiety, depression. I feel overwhelmed all the time. No matter what my husband or family does for me I never seem to be happy. I have always kept them broke as I love to shop and then most for the stupidiest things. In fact my cupboard is full of junk that I have never even used. I can’t appreciate life anymore. I know the Lord has put me here for a reason but what can’t I feel the peace that everyone else seems to have in him.
I know there is something wrong with me and I am tired of losing out on life. I need help

This is an interesting post this morning considering that my bipolar “survivor” does not want any support. He is secretive about his illness and his meds although he claims that he is taking them and seeing his psychiatrist and therapist regularily and doing well. He lives alone and pops in and out of the lives of family and has no real friends. Consequently his adult children, grandchildren and myself (his estranged wife)know very little about him — only when he pops in our lives and then he appears to be “just fine” yet we, supposedly supporters, know that in time he’ll have another espisode that will be him in the hospital — it’s just a matter of time as past history has shown us.

I read your postings daily and have forwarded your website and other interesting information to him but have had no response from him in any way that he has actually visited your site and appreciated or enjoyed anything.

Some cases aren’t as successful as others. Congratulations to all of you who have good, positive, loving support and families who love and care about you. You are blessed. To the rest of us who must move on regardless of our successes, continue on dear hearts, there is success in other parts of life.

MA

I am the one who can not be involved full time with the one I love. You may say I am impatient or selfish, but the rollercoaster ride with the mood swings and high anxiety cause my own moods to reach anxiety that I have never experience. I do understand the illness but I have young children and they are my first priority. I can not allow my energy to become depleted by the emotional ups and downs that we had over the past year when my loved one lived with us. Not to mention the drinking and misuse of drugs. My loved one and I both agreed that we didn’t want that pain. Can he be successful out on his own? He is 50 years old and seems to attract people easily. I am now waiting to see if he chooses a healthy life style that will help him beat the BP’s huge swings. Perhaps then we can come back to living under the same roof. For now he prefers to be away because of the pain he feels. He feels like he has failed. I say that “we” failed, but do want to be there and be together when we can. The rest should fall into place. Until he is stable with his meds, job and life style I do not believe the chaos would have made us stronger…just the opposite, I believe it would have destroyed us forever. Don’t forget to consider the fact that we are all on a different path and there are many factors out there in our lives. My first job is to stay strong for myself and my children and be a productive teacher in the community. There must be someone there for me when I fall too and I can not risk the unknown as far as what could lye ahead. This illness could also put my family into finacial disaster. One, really must weigh all the factors. I am sorry if my love sounds selfish, perhaps it is.

Hiya, Everybody!

David, today’s E-mail was nice but as you’ve mentioned in others in the past, not everybody is lucky enough to actually have a Supporter. I’ve got a really good Medical Back-Up Team, but so often I’m relied upon by my Family and Friends to be the ‘STRONG’ one, who’ll listen and suggest the best solutions to THEIR problems, rather than the other way around.

Too often in days gone by, I’ve found myself alone because everybody else has been too busy getting on with the very lives that I helped them to sort out! Most of them fail to realise that I’m also in need of ‘Tender Loving Care’, once in a while.

Martin only helps out because I nag him into it when I’m really low, like this week, due to my new Pills, but most of the time it’s me helping HIM with his ‘Seasonal Affective Disorder’ and excessive drinking.

Another thing I’ve noticed, by being a Single Lass, is that although I’ve always been able to make new Friends easily when I’m in an ‘Upbeat’ Mood, they soon begin to start getting “clingy” and possessive of me and my time, which I’m not always capable of giving, owing to the Cycles of the Condition. This causes them to feel offended, no matter how much I try to explain that I’m in need of “ME TIME”, because I’m not consistant with my attentions.

I don’t know whether it’s ME or the Condition, but I really enjoy time on my own to read or just rest and think, as well as being the ‘Life And Soul Of The Party’. The latter takes an enormous amount of energy and I feel that I’m constantly “performing” to the outside World, which inevitably drains me. However, those who’ve been enjoying my company whilst I’ve been in a ‘high’ state, start pestering me for more of the same, when I’m merely hiding to regain some strength, not ignoring them.

My long-term Friends realise now when I need to be left alone, but I gave my Mobile Number to two of the Women on the new Multi-Racial three month Get Fit Course which I began last week and one of them hasn’t stopped ringing me with her problems. Thank goodness I didn’t give her my Home Line!

I’m sorry if I appear mean and disgruntled, but it’s just the way that I’m feeling today.

Martin’s arrived early to cook supper and the fact that he’s been missing me all week would normally cheer me, but I can’t even be bothered to talk to him in the kitchen – I’m moaning to all of you, instead!

Maybe it’s the new Pills making me feel miserable?

Take care all. Love,

Sue and all the animals. x

Dave said, “Having someone by your side (if you are a survivor) is the greatest feeling,just knowing that you don’t have to fight this fight by yourself.”
I’d qualify that. Remember Desert Storm, the original war in Iraq? During that conflict, our British Army lost more soldiers to so-called “friendly fire” from the US army and USAF than they did to the Iraqis! Who needs enemies with friends like that!? Okay, I’m not serious about that but … there is a point in this. That is to say, who needs supporters if they don’t truly understand the BP or what the person they are supporting is really feeling, if they have little or no understanding of why they do what they do or day what they say?

It has been crystal clear for me visiting these blog that there are a heck of a lot of devoted supporter who don’t have a clue what their loved ones are really experiencing. They make wrong assumptions and give inappropriate support or advice to their loved ones in a BP episode, such they I can “see” they have exacerbated the situation. Remember, if you get it wrong you could throw the loved one into a bad episode, even for a short moment. But it only takes a moment for someone to check out off this Earth! Liken your loved one as being a bomb that has not exploded. Handle them correctly and they may survive; handle them badly, they may not, and if you’re really unlucky, they may take you with them! I am not making light of this. If c.20%-25% of people with BP kill themselves, you have to understand it’s a dangerous illness, and it’s volatility is what makes it dangerous, like an unstable explosive, like weeping Gelignite.

Dave’s said this many times before and I say the same: If you want to be a supporter, and a good one, you’ve got to learn as much as you can about BP and then some more! By more, I mean don’t absorb yourself into a hot house of a BP supporters’ group. It’s at least, if not more, important (IMHO) to absorb yourself with the experiences, insights and ideas of people who have BP. Sure, some of the supporters will have helpful ideas, of strategies they’ve used which worked for them and their loved one. But what works for one may not work for you and yours That is why – correct me if I’m wrong, Dave – that Dave’s courses offer a myriad of ideas, not that he’s guaranteeing any single one of them will work for you, but so you have an armoury of “weapons” to help you fight the BP. When one weapon doesn’t work, you try another.

So, how do you know which weapons to choose? Well, you could go “trial and error” like, “…see if this works…it didn’t so lets try this …” But you can get a better idea of what is likely to work if you can get a better understanding of why your loved one may be behaving as they are, especially with regard to your relationship with them. So, you could, and should, talk to people with BP because THEY really know what it’s like, they can help you BEGIN to understand what is going on inside the head of your loved one. You can read about great tactics for helping someone with BP and may be they are right for some of the time, may be for most of the time. But they don’t all add up for everyone with BP because every one with BP is … guess what? DIFFERENT! You have be able to make a more informed choice, which may be more likely if you have a better understanding of how someone with BP may react to the strategies you are considering and, more importantly, how YOUR loved one will react. You have to try to get inside their head and not assume they will think he same way as you do. People with BP probably do think differently because they experience Life and the World differently! And they experience the world of emotions VERY differently. You know what it’s like to get weepy with the movie Love Story? Well, how’d you like it if, one day you didn’t get weepy watching it and you were wracked with a feeling of bereavement while watching it the next day? Can you imagine what it’s like to find yourself crying – and I don’t mean just the odd tear – at hearing some sad news on the TV the second time you heard it during the day, but it was water off the duck’s back when you heard it earlier in the day? Can you imagine how it feels not just to have those extremes of emotion but you know you HAVE those extremes, to know you don’t have much, if any, control over them? Can you imagine what it is like to find yourself not just talking in a meeting in the office but slipping into a mode of passion about a minor subject and getting weepy as you do? Can you imagine how it feels to know this is happening to you, how it feels to find excuses to the others in the meeting why your eyes have begun to water? You have to get some insight into how people with BP feel, you have to get insight into what they may do what they do, and you’ll get it best from people with it, not from someone who hasn’t got it and who thinks they know because they are armchair, or even quaklified psychologists. (And don’t trust the psychological assessments of a psychiatrist. They are trained to diagnose mental illness and treat it with drugs. They are not (usually) psychologists and most of them have little conception of how someone with BP feels. They know well enough what BPs do, and they know what kind of moods someone with BP has, but they don’t know what it feels like to have them! So, they can only theorise why BPs do what they do. So, talk andf talk and talk more with people with BP. Tell them what your loved one does and ask the person with BP why they think this might be happening. You may get insights you never expected, and which will suggest to you very different strategies for handling the situation. For example, when many “experts” on the caring side might tell you you must intervene and do this, or say that, a person with BP might tell you the best thing to do would be to back away and give the loved one space to work their own way through a crisis. Just as I did a few posts ago.

Of course, what the person with BP may tell could also be wrong for your loved one. BUT, if you can begin to get inside the BP mind, with a bit of imagination, you may be able to develop a more empathetic approach to YOUR loved one.

I am not saying that only people with BP can give supporters the right advice. But what I am saying is that only people with BP can tell you something of what your loved one may be feeling. And only when you have that kind of knowledge can you begin to understand your loved one.

Dear Dave ,
I really love your e mails , they make me feel like i have a supporter too . And abouth what you talk today , it’s true , bp and supporter may stay together , and i think it’s one of the most important things for the person who is bp . But , who will be side by side with the supporter ??
It’s soooo hard to do this support job alone ! ?It’s so stressing , and the most part of the time , we haven’t anyone to give us any support at all … we , the supporters , have to be the most mental healty person in the world , or we will be dead in a short time . There are times that we think it’s betther to die , because we feel sooo tired of trying , and trying , and see so small progress … Sorry if i’m so unhappy today , but this days , we are completing one year fighting against bp , and my daughter still depressed , doing nothing in her life , being ugly because of the side efects of the meds , and i’m really needind a supporter too …
God bless you , Dave , because i , myself , can not believe in Him anymore . Sorry .

84ps, thank you. My self esteem was in real jeopardy so I made medical treatment a requirement for our relationship to continue. Consequently, I have not seen my loved one for many many months. My life is full now and I am happy but I do miss him terribly. I miss his deep insightfulness, his sensitivity and thoughtfulness, and I miss his sense of humor.
I am not completely ignorant about bp. I did the trial and error thing for 3 years. The end result of that was losing all credibility with my loved one. The only time I wasn’t TOO WEAK or TOO STRONG was when HE was STABLE. So…someone tell me…is it the chicken or the egg???

Tiredofthebozos hit it right on the head. I have experienced everything in that post. I am not a doctor, a tharapist, or a lawyer, and I certainly never signed up to be the enemy. I know what Dave will say, just sign up for my course…
Love and support at a distance is my choice in order to keep the rest of my life balanced and sane(according to my view of the world). I truly admire those who can stay and remain strong and stable. I hope that the happiness out weighs the pain, and abuse in many cases. My best to you.

We can find supporters of supporters on this blog. Some people here are extremely helpful and hopefully I can be helpful to others at times. Right now I’m going through hell with my boyfriend’s episode. There is very little I can do for him, as he won’t let me “interfere.” While he is stable or just a little bit “high” he is a lovely man. Even when he is “down” I can get through to him to an extent. But at the moment he is a different person. Only occasionally he is partially aware of what he is doing to me, others around him and to himself. Generally, he behaves like he is possessed by a demon. When he preaches and talks of being God’s special ambassador his voice is not his own and his eyes don’t look like his own. He is not himself! I can see both anger and pain in his eyes at the same time. He must be going through pure hell.

Dave says “Having someone by your side (if youare a survivor) is the greatest feeling,just knowing that you don’t have to fightthis fight by yourself.” You probably feel that if you think rationally and i don’t think anyone in a big bipolar episode can be rational. I don’t think my boyfriend is fully aware of my support and that I’m willing to go through this episode with him. When he is stable he has recollections of manic episodes (he told me about it), so he takes his meds and keeps up regular doc and psych appointments to avoid them. But it does not work the other way. When he is in an episode as bad as the present one, he has no memory of stable times.

A good supporter has to be very strong. I’m too symbiotic with him (I tend to get that when I feel close to someone), which doesn’t help. Right now I’m in danger of cracking up. I’m crying a lot and the thoughts going through my head drive me crazy.

He had his regular blood tests done only last week. If he had them done yesterday he would probably be called into the hospital with too much alcohol in his blood. It wasn’t the drink that triggered the episode. It was to do with certain people and events that stressed him (I can’t go into details here) and got him to hit the bottle, which made it worse.

His phone is switched off and he wants to be left alone (not for the first time). The best I can do for now is to give him space if that’s what he wants, as long as I can talk to other people who have seen him walking the dog, just to reassure me that he is ok. Yesterday he was very manic saying some “crazy” things in a different voice, but in between ravings for a few seconds he was himself and kept apologising. I am wondering: Did he know he was going into an episode but couldn’t stop it? Does he not want to drive his car (talks of selling it) because he knows he would be a dangerous driver right now? Is he keeping his distance from me in fear of saying hurtful things to me, as he did before? Or is that me thinking rationally? Can someone with bipolar tell me, please?

He has an appointment with his psychiatrist next Tuesday. I hope that he will adjust his meds to help him through this. If he acts in the surgery like he did in the cafe yesterday, he may well be signed in for a few days. If he does end up in the psych ward, it’s best if I’m not with him when it happens, so he can’t blame me – or he would never trust me again.

Yes, Dave, I agree a Supporter should go along with a Survivor – but what if you don’t HAVE a Supporter but two days a week? And what if that Supporter has NEVER seen you in an episode?

You CAN look at it this way – I have YOU as my DAILY Supporter, giving all kinds of GREAT advice of how to COPE with the bipolar; but that’s NOT the same as having someone close and with you all the time. At times, I feel VERY lonely being a person with bipolar and NOT having daily contact with a living, breathing Supporter. Is there anyone out there in this same predicament? A widow, widower, bachelor, bachelorette, single mother, single father, or even an “empty nester?” Where do WE find the EMOTIONAL connection of having someone bear the brunt of a hypomania, or even a full-blown manic episode?

All I can do is follow a treatment plan and see my therapist and shrink at appointments spaced too far apart. Yes – I get LONELY facing this disorder by myself. I have no one to “bounce” off of if I go a little “haywire.” No one to say, “Take it easy; I’ll help.” I’d rather be a “we” than a “me.” It IS hard to face bipolar disorder ALONE. Any comments from the “Peanut Gallery?”

BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and the ones who love us. Please continue to pray for Susan, who is still going through a hard time. And save a little prayer for me as I face some VERY difficult financial and physical problems right now. Thank you.

I am the one with BP in my relationship. Because my husband has done such a great job trying to understand and sustain me, I try to return the favor as often as possible.
As soon as I recognize I have an episode comming on, I try to be completely honest with my husband about it. Mind you I have been “figuring things out” for at least 20 years, I am very interested in why my mind does the things it does. So that has helped me organize myself.
I think those supportings teens with BP must have it very rough because hormones, are a major contributer, in terms of setting off episodes (for me anyway).
If you have ever been pregnant, just try to magnify those emotions by ten, and then imagine having NO emotion, for anything, all in the same day. Like Graham said.
I would like to share an interaction between my husband and I had, via email.

I wrote
“Honey you are the very best. I hope you are doing well today when you read this. Remember that you are so awesome, and don’t second guess yourself, or loose your confidence that made me fall in love with you. Have a great day today, I love you so much.”

He responded
“YAY! What a way to start my morning! Thanks, precious honey. “You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains”. chi.

You know, I like this humbling management experience of late. I’ve needed it.

I mentioned to ____ “I think I should sign up for some management/motivational course”. He replied “(laughing) Are you kidding? Right now you’re experiencing the most intense management course I can think of”!

I never thought of it that way. I don’t feel less confident in myself. I just feel more motivated, to motivate.

I feel I’m a good “manager”, but not a good “motivator”. That’s what I’m looking to improve on. I think that’s what I need to do to be a better manager (and a better husband and father). That’s what ___ knows I need to improve on. Me vocalizing it to them let’s them know that I understand what I need to improve on, and I’m working hard at doing it.

I will always be somewhat anal with these guys. I just want to be anal, AND respected. I think respect will be earned when I do a better job motivating and directing, not just managing.

I love that I can talk to you for advice. I love your feedback! I always tell ____ that you’re one of my premier sources of advice in business. Then ____ threatened to fire me. j/k.

Actually, he’s really jealous that he doesn’t feel comfortable doing the same with his own wife. I know ____ helps ____ through all of his tough business decisions. Thanks so much for your help. It sustains me in business and home.

Let’s see, what can I say to make you feel uplifted to be sitting at your desk, checking in drugeez…well, at least it’s not a full moon?

Nah, how ‘bout…

I love you Sarah”

Anyway. I write one little thing to him amd he is beyond appreciative. I try my hardest to take advantage of the time I can actually devote to building up our relationship. Because I know he really has to deal with a lot when it comes to me. We do fit together, and it is not a one sided battle. I get tired of being the villan. He and I are both constantly working to improve ourselves. Neither of us are perfect.
susandrn, I have the same issues with friends. I thought it was because i was not loyal enough, but those closest to me know how truly loyal I am. I love that there is someone else that knows how that is.

Now this is a great supporter… I have to let you all know how great it really can be, everyone struggles. I think there is someone out there for all of us.

My Husband wrote
“I love you honey. You’re so precious to me. My hope is that in your lowest times, your times of struggle and darkness, that you remember how lost I would be without you in my life. I love to think about your sweet smile, and the way your big beautiful eyes crinkle when you laugh at a crude joke of mine. chi.

I need your love, like a regular to the ER needs oxy cotton. That’s a good thing, right? chi.

Much Alofa, my precious

jt”

Is this too intimate? I hope no one feels uncomfortable. I just want you to know how great it can be when you are both trying. Two weeks ago we had an argument, I’m sure I posted about it. So it’s not all pony’s and sunshine, but I think like Dave said, the struggles we have can just make us that much stronger.

Myra, my bipolar wife and I are still together after 44 years. The last 4 years has really been a nightmare since she was taken into hospital(after suffering a manic attack. While she was there in a highly vulnerable state she was sexually assaulted and seduced by a male healthcare worker – who was nothing but a conman after our money. While kept in a locked, mixed sex ward over a period of two months, she was persuaded that she was in love with him and that ‘they’ were going to divorce me. The divorce and love affair were, it seems, nothing but the product of an over stimulated mind following the sexual assault and seduction. The real trouble was that mental health professionals believed what she was saying about the divorce but refused to acknowledge that a member of their own staff was involved. What would they have done if she had told them she was Queen of England, I wonder? Taken her to Buckingham Palace and put a Crown on her head ?

For the following 5 months she was locked up in another mental health inpatient unit while the mental health service here in the UK tried to cover up what happened. They accused my wife and I of all sorts of things, kept us apart, wanted to take charge of our finances and gave my wife inappropriate medication.

Through all this, I stuck with her as a very unhappy bipolar supporter, and out of what I felt was my duty as a husband. This was despite her reckless attitude and the treatment – which appeared to be based on that depicted in Hogarth’s Bedlam rather than what should be given by a 21st Century mental health ‘Trust’ here in England.

Am I stupid ? Well, sometimes I think so, but you simply cannot throw away 44 years of marriage…

If you want to know the full story of this terrible tragedy about what happened to a Bipolar sufferer and supporter and the effect of this on a previously happy marriage send an email to me at this address (I am in England)

emmerson.hill@ntlworld.com
showing
What happened to Myra?
in the subject field

and I’ll send you an edited report. You will probably find it quite shocking…

BobB

Nightlady asks, “His phone is switched off and he wants to be left alone (not for the first time). The best I can do for now is to give him space if that’s what he wants, as long as I can talk to other people who have seen him walking the dog, just to reassure me that he is ok. Yesterday he was very manic saying some “crazy” things in a different voice, but in between ravings for a few seconds he was himself and kept apologising. I am wondering: Did he know he was going into an episode but couldn’t stop it? Does he not want to drive his car (talks of selling it) because he knows he would be a dangerous driver right now? Is he keeping his distance from me in fear of saying hurtful things to me, as he did before? Or is that me thinking rationally?”
In my limited experience, I think you may well be right about the reasons for thinking of selling the car and of keeping a way from you. Indeed, there could be another reason why he may wish to sell the car – having been tempted to use the car to check out. (It can be tempting to run it into a bridge or tree.

Hi, Nightlady!

Sorry, but yesterday I didn’t feel like reading all the other Posts, but I’ve been busy helping one of my Brother’s and his Family move in to a House today and am feeling better.

I think that your reasons are correct for why your Partner’s behaving this way, especially about NOT wanting to hurt you again or reveal how drunk and irrational he’s acting at present. He will, I’m sure, get over this ‘Episode’ and will emerge stronger and more loving towards you, but I already know from our past “chats” that his circumstances aren’t exactly ideal and may be making him worse.

Rest assured that you’re doing EVERYTHING in your power to help him and that deep inside he acknowledges this, but can’t show appreciation just yet. I’ve been really mean to Martin this last week, as for once he’s been attempting to please me without my having to nag him first, but I’ve been so low that I couldn’t care less whether he loves me or not. Okay, we all know that I DO care about him, but my bad Mood has made me nonchalant towards him.

Try not to ‘crack up’ and take some time out to relax and stop worrying about him and those pesky individuals making his life worse. You’ll make yourself ill, otherwise.

Take care. Love,

Sue and all the animals. x

Dave,

I appreciate your positive attitude. I don’t feel good to be a bipolar supporter, though. I feel burdened and a little boxed in. i don’t think my husband’s bipolar has served to make us closer. It’s fairly abusive, actually.

tiredofthebozos, I found what you said very profound…relationships mirroring the stability or instability of the bp survivor. How does a supporter ever really know genuine affection exists?? If my loved one is unstable…how do I know if he genuinely loves me?? Is his anger displaced or his affection??
Graham, I appreciate your insight always.

graham n, Yes we do have a family history of bp. One of our family members killed themself. My son has only been confirmed bp with in the last two weeks. It has been the longest two weeks of my life. On the meds he seems to be more extreme. Everyone is telling me to give it time. But it’s hard… I’m always second quessing myself and the docs. Autism has also been looked into but a friend(autism teacher) doesn’t think there is any way it could be. The docs agree. And from every book I have read I was sure it was bp over a year ago. But I just didn’t know it was going to be this hard to have the truth. I’m learning to deal with this as his mother but the extremes are very hard on me and his younger brother. thanks so much for you support. SO where is the support for the supporters??? The other question I have is.. what if I have bp also. DOes this make it even harder to be a support for someone else?? could this be our problem. Does anyone know how long it will take for the meds to even out his body. IS one of the side effect hyeractive?? THere isn’t much support for children. and not so clear answers about anything. thanks

Jods asked, “How does a supporter ever really know genuine affection exists?? If my loved one is unstable…how do I know if he genuinely loves me?? Is his anger displaced or his affection??”
When a BP person is in an episode, I don’t think you would ever tell if they genuinely loved you. Indeed, they may not know themselves because their emotions are all over the place! They wouldn’t know if they loved or hated, somewhere in between … and if they were in one of those horny episodes, they’d think they loved anyone who’d let them have some extra variety in their sex lives … but come weeping back to the real loved one when they come out of the episode and realise what and who they cast aside when they were delusional and randy. And what when they are NOT in an episode? That’s the best time to tell, I suppose except … they can be left so confused after an episode that they may be unsure of their feelings for anyone! And if they are Dysthymic as well, they may well know how they feel but if their feeling is less than love, they won’t do much about ending the relationship because, ironically, they will typically not want to cause distress to the other person even though their non-committal apparent indifference IS causing distress! Mental illness … pah! Who’d have it!

Graham, thank you for the insight. I guess the moral of the story is…I cannot trust how he feels if HE cannot trust how he feels. After episodes, he always says “I could never hurt you Jods…I could never hate you Jods” but he has, and he does. After episodes he tells me his behavior wasn’t “him”…that I’m the only one in the world that knows “him”. I wish it were clear. I wish he were stable. I hold on waiting for “him” to return…might be waiting forever. Sometimes I have faith and sometimes I feel so insecure. It’s easy to feel like everything at times and just as easy to feel like nothing.
~Hugs to you all!