Bipolar Supporter? Wishing for this?

Hi, how’s your day going? I hope it is a good one.

I was talking to my cousins yesterday, and a topic that I didn’t expect came up.

She began talking about how much she loved her sister’s hair. Apparently, it could curl or straighten easily, depending on what she wanted that day. This all was beyond me, but I did pick up something from the conversation: my cousin was unsatisfied by her own hair.

I asked her, if she could change her hair, would she? For that question, I got a very sure “yes!”

It made me think, most of us have something in life that we would like to change. For some of us, it is as simple as the ease that our hair is styled. For others of us, it might be as serious as wanting our loved one to be cured from bipolar disorder.

Unfortunately, we can’t always have what we want. We can’t always control what life has dealt us. What we can control is how we handle it.

If we choose to let it get to us, we can end up depressed or bitter. That’s not something we want, and its not something that will help us or our loved ones. It is better to focus instead on how we can respond to the situation that we find ourselves in.

Have you ever stopped to think what all you can possibly learn from your loved one having bipolar disorder? It may be hard to think that something good could come out of the situation, but both you and your loved one can learn from the situation at hand.

You can learn strategies for handling difficult situations. You can learn perseverance through hard times, and strength even when you doubt. You can learn to accept help, and to know when to listen to other people’s advice. You can learn to see things from a different point of view. If you really work at it, you can even learn patience.

There are many other things you can learn along the way, and some of them you may already know. Some things we learn and don’t even realize that we’ve learned them until someone else notices that we’ve changed for the better.

After all we can learn from being the supporter to someone who has bipolar disorder, there becomes a benefit from being willing to support our loved ones.

No matter how hard times may get, and no matter how much we may wish that it weren’t this way, we can choose to focus on the positive things, and learn from the situation we are in.

What have you learned from supporting your loved one?

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

  1. My daughter is Bipolar, it has been a very diffucult time for all for all of us. She lives in GA and I live in OH. We have all tried to maintaine a positive outlook, but she is not the same daughter as before. So much medicine, time in the hospital. She has two beautiful daughters, 12yrs and 7yrs. This has been a terrible adjustment for them. What is out there to help the little girls understand what is going on with their Mommy? Any help whould be appreciated.

  2. Have spent over one hour giving my coment then lost it when I hit the submit comment.
    Please do comment on the reason why.
    Willie

  3. Hello,

    I’m the one with Bipolar.I’m a single mom with two children.Therphy and exericing and staying bussy with my children helps me fight against Bipolar.

  4. David thank you for your newsletter – even though its addressed to “bipolar supporter” and Im the one who is bipolar:)

    My partner won’t love me – i.e. show my affection, hug me up, kiss me, make love to me, take me out, ask me about my day or talk to me in general, try to make me smile… he won’t bring me flowers (lol).

    This is going on over two and a half years. I love him, rather Im in love with him. He keeps me at a distance. I feel like a leper. He says he has this wall he can’t break down that supposedly was caused by my “bipolar behavior”.

    Let me explain. Basically, I do the “crazy eights” bit. I try to be sweet and loving, affectionate. He then ignores me or outright rejects me. I get hurt, start crying and doing the “talking to death” thing (this is his biggest issue, I’ll explain after). He doesn’t answer my questions or just blows up. I either get even more hurt that I stop talking altogether because he obviously doesn’t want to hear what I have to say/ my feelings don’t matter to him or get angry – how dare he treat me like this when all I do is love him/ be good to him, doesn’t he care? Does he want to make me feel bad?

    Then I go home and replay the whole deal and think that he really does love me, there must be some way to help him get past his hurdle, maybe I should try again, give him a chance to see the real me. And I start the next day all sweet and kind (which is how I want to be everyday with him).

    Its a tiring and endless cycle that has us both with jagged nerves and frustration.

    He says I talk him to death. This is true. This is my bipolarity at its best. When I’m hurt and I don’t understand why – his actions don’t make any sense because he says he loves me and I keep asking him questions and making analogies to try to help him see the effect his actions have on me (in case it isn’t obvious already), so that he could have an AHA! moment and and stop doing all that awful stuff and start loving me again. I go on and on and on. I want a resolution. I want to hear it from his mouth. But he says nothing and then after a while of me prattling he gets angry and blows up.

    I know the effects my bipolar disorder can have on those around me. I am always willing to do whatever it takes – how many doctors, diet, medications till I’m having a heart attack.

    I wanted him to read up on the disorder so he can understand it a bit better. Instead it has just gotten worse. He reads horror stories about people who are nothing like me. Then he quotes “facts” like bipolar people damage the physical and mental health of their spouses, women get it worse, its degenerative – I will just keep getting worse. Bipolar people cant have happy relationships or lives. And on and on and on.

    This is not me!!!!! I know he is scarred about what “could” happen. But I have proven myself so many times in so many ways.

    I just want to be given a chance to be loved and have a home. My kids want us all back together.

    I know my triggers. I have had this since childhood. My one biggest trigger is problems at home. I try to fix everything right away so we can all get back to loving each other. He doesn’t see that it is his actions that have me upside down. My doctors have invited him to talk with them and he refused. He refuses therapy. Once he said he would go then when I made the appointment, he renegged. I can live a very normal, productive life as I’m sure most bp people do (just not the ones you read about online). I get ‘crazy’ when I can’t fix home.

    Why can’t he just love me? Then he will see how all the talking stops.

    I feel so alone. Unwanted. Unloved. Worthless. I must be if someone who says they love me dearly finds it impossible to show me any affection or interest. He doesn’t include me in his life.

    Yes we see each other everyday but its only for life functions. There is no intimacy.

    Its a chicken and egg scenario. I need him to love me and not just say it so that I can feel secure and comfortable and my brain can stop hammering out dead-end questions so that he could be happy with me and not have me nag or talk him to death so he will want to be affectionate with me.

    Im not unfaithful. Im not racking up debts. I give to my family first – everything I have. I don’t lie (even if you don’t believe this, he know it). I make an effort to improve all the things he doesn’t like about me. Some I’ve already mastered, others I’m still working on.

    I know the talking drives him out of his mind – makes him want to run. I know because I feel the same way – maybe even worse. I don’t want to do it. Medication stifles it but the amount I need to do that makes me comatose – useless to my family or myself.

    He goes out of his way it seems to limit contact with me (see why Im a leper). We have been speaking forever about looking for opportunities to start a business to help us out of our financial problems. I’m back on my feet and working and I found two very viable and promising opportunities for us. I ordered the stuff to start, did all the foundation work, did the research, applied for a loan, everything – because I thought this business was for us – to help us build our lives – an opportunity for us to do something we enjoy, that’s meaningful, and will remove the burden of debt from us (long term). AFTER I do this, with his knowledge and consent, he tells me that he does not want to go into business with me. He has enough on his plate. He can’t deal with anything else. That I should be a housewife and stay home (not his housewife mind you). He read online that work stress triggers bipolar people and I should stay away from stress. We would always be fighting. And here it is… he has to protect himself.

    This is a classic example of how he doesn’t deal with me as a person. He knows I can deal with work stress. Even when the business relationship is also personal (I’ve done it before). I have a good work ethic. He wants me to avoid the stress from work that is a 0.5 on my emotional richter scale but ignores the stress from our relationship which is a catastrophic 12 +++++.

    I love this man. I don’t want to hurt him. I know we can be happy again (even if it was just a short time in the beginning) and Im prepared to do anything. I hate feeling like trash all the time and telling him he makes me feel like trash all the time. I’m sure it isn’t balanced by how many times I tell him something good or loving.

    What can I do? Why are bipolar persons always the villans?

  5. The thing that l’ve learned most of all is that or maybe …What my experience has been is that l have lost everything except 2 dogs ( whom l adore) some blankets a winter and a summer set of clothes most of which l got at thrift store. And l’m 50 yrs old living with my parents because the “family” that l vowed my life to can’t or won’t understand nor except nor forgive me and my new shadow “biPolar”.I really hate control freaks. Those special weird symbols you have to look at are annoying. And the biggest thing is that there is NO support group for BiPolar people. Ialways feel like that king who went out with no clothes on and no one told him. Like a scarlet letter. Tell me where l can take it back and exchange it for “bad hair”.

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