Hi,
How are you doing today? I hope today is a good one.
A while back I had to ride a train, and I had an irritating experience while I was riding. There was a man on the train that was talking loudly to everyone, whether they wanted to be talked to or not.
He couldn’t seem to take a hint that no matter how interested he was in his stories that no one else cared! In fact, he was really disturbing the other passengers, who were trying to work, relax, and even sleep.
It made me think about our loved ones who have bipolar disorder. Sometimes they can act like this, too. Other times they say or do other things that are inappropriate, and don’t even realize they are doing it.
I’ve known people with bipolar disorder to speak too fast and too loud.
I’ve known people with bipolar disorder to be unable to stop moving, no matter how inappropriate that is for the situation they are in. This may seem harmless enough in theory, but I’m sure many of you know what I mean. After all, can you imagine a person who can’t stop fidgeting at a funeral? Many people there would probably find it offensive.
I’ve also known people with bipolar disorder to be so focused on their own life that they forget that they are talking to another person who might have feelings and a life of their own.
Have you ever had this happen to you? A person will go on and on about their day, and just when you think they are going to ask you about yours, they decide it is time to leave. This can be frustrating.
So what can be done about this? Should we just “blow it off,” with the excuse that they cannot think clearly? Should we continue to deal with this behavior, and even apologize for it? Or are there things we can do to minimize it?
Until our loved ones have gotten to a certain point on the recovery process, these inappropriate behaviors will probably not go away entirely. But they can be minimized, with some specific steps and effort.
To begin with, let them know what they are doing that bothers you. You may already be doing this. But if you are not yet, this can help them realize that the things actually do bother you, and possibly others as well. One important thing to remember is a person with bipolar is often unaware that their speech and behaviors are inappropriate.
Another good way to introduce them to that concept is to arrange a meeting with another person who has bipolar disorder. This may seem simple enough, but it can potentially be very helpful. If your loved one realizes that the behaviors of the other person are not what they should be, then they might just make the connection that their behaviors are not what they should be either.
Of course, this only works if the other person with bipolar disorder is not very far along in their recovery. And depending on whether your loved one is manic at the time, it may or may not work anyways. If they are manic also, then they are less likely to notice the behaviors of the other person.
Once you have done what you can to make your loved one understand that what they are doing is inappropriate, the next thing to do is to simply give them something to do. When our loved ones are focused on something in specific, especially something that they love doing, they are less likely to show the symptoms that they would show normally.
Now, in order for this to be effective, you have to know what they like and pick something from those things.
Giving them something constructive to do can be helpful in many other ways, as well. For example, it may help teach them to finish projects, or help them to relax. It may help them to focus their energy onto something that will not turn around and harm them or their supporters.
Another important thing to remember is that if anyone should apologize for their behavior, it should be them.
There are certainly times where apologizing for them is necessary. Like in the case if they were to ruin an event for other people, or do something that might physically harm someone.
But when they do something that is simply embarrassing, it is not all that necessary to do their apologizing for them. Instead, try to teach them to apologize for their own behaviors. Try to teach them that when someone brings it to their attention that they are doing something that is annoying or frustrating, to give an apology and an explanation (when it is needed).
For example, in a situation where it is okay for the other people to know that they have bipolar disorder, they might say “I’m sorry I’m behaving this way, you see I have bipolar disorder and sometimes it’s easy for me to forget that how I am behaving makes a difference. I am doing my best to learn from my mistakes so that this won’t happen in the future. Thank- you for pointing out my behaviors to me.”
When they do not feel comfortable telling the other person that they have bipolar disorder, then it is a little harder to explain, but it is still possible. They might say something along the lines of “I’m sorry I was behaving that way, I got a little off track. Thank-you for pointing it out to me so that I can fix it.”
There are many ways you can help your loved one out, but apologizing for them is not one of those ways. It doesn’t do them or you any good for you to be apologizing for them constantly, when you could have been focusing that energy on helping them learn to change their behaviors.
There are other things you can do to help them along, but these are three ideas to start you off. Can you think of any others?
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
My problem with this is that if I try to bring my husband’s inappropriate behavior to his attention or let him know I don’t like something he’s doing, he accuses me of not accepting him! He recently ended an affair and I’m glad we’re trying to rebuild our marriage, but every time I even hint that I don’t like something he’s doing he’ll say “why can’t YOU just accept me?” implying that SHE did. I’m very frustrated about having to walk around on eggshells for him, especially since he’s unemployed and we have 2 children to raise so there’s already alot of stressors in the household. How can I deal with inappropriate behaviors when my husband pretty much threatens to leave me if I don’t just “accept him”?
this is a tough one Dave. I have had to endure so many embarrassing behaviours due to my husbands mania’s. It has ruined friendships and family relationships, and often I have been blamed as well for not ‘having him under control’ or something. I tend to cancel social engagements during these times, and try to keep him away from people as much as possible. However even then he phones and emails people. If I said anything or tried to stop him then he would turn on me like an enraged bull, and use me as the subject of his jokes. However since he has become stable everything has changed, and I can now remind him to take time out, take his medications and make the apologies. I have started http://www.bipolarsupporters.ning.com as a interactive site for supporters.
thankyou dave,your emails have been very helpful,i was unable to obtain the book as i dont have credit cards.a big loss to myself.having bipolar is difficult but manageable.i would like help dealing with losing a loved one.my hubby passed away 24 feb and im not coping well,any advice would be appreciated.thankyou jannette
thank you dave and people who write in i learned alot re my friend and bipolar i read rachel and her dad traffic wow! my friend was off the wall when she met us- now i know why! inappropriate behaviors yes at work my friend had an episode it was bad and wrong place to do it in front of staff inmates where she worked many laughed called her a nut case- sad i had to calm her down and told her to get a grip go for a walk- which she did- will write more hope this goes thru-
My sister has bipolar and every time there is a family function from a b’day party to a wedding she has to create a huge scene because its not all about her. we all just excuse it and continue as though nothing happened and she usually leaves with the huffs. Now she has escalated to a new level saying cutting things to people and complaining of a fictitious hard upbringing inventing hard life stories that she truly believes but never happened she is deluded and we are at a loss for what to do its becoming ridiculous.
To JANETTE: I extend my deepest sympathy on the loss of your husband. My first husband died at 35 in 1989 of a heart attack, and I have been bipolar since 1968. The first thing I did was call my therapist at the local Mental Health Clinic. My doctor increased my meds, and I saw my therapist every other day for six months. This helped to work through the grief process, but didn’t make it any easier to bear. My second husband died after three months of marriage, at the age of 74, of sepsis. We had lived together for six years prior to the marriage, and he WAS my soul-mate. I held his hand in the hospital for five hours until he died. To this day, I don’t know how I drove home that morning.
I called the Mental Health clinic, and got the same exact treatment. It seemed harder this time; there is no easy way to lose a loved one. Everyone processes their grief differently, but it does help to have mental health professionals in your corner, no matter how “manageable” your bipolar may be. Group therapy for those who have lost a spouse is also a good idea. I went to a symposium on “Death and Dying” (a group therapy outlet), after my brother died at 44 of AIDS. It lasted over six months, and I got a lot out of it.
I wish you peace and success in working through your loss. I reiterate that it is NOT easy, and takes a lot of focus to appreciate what your doctor or therapist is trying to accomplish with you.
To be honest with you, I’m a little “gun-shy” on remarriaige at this point; just living together seems a better way of doing things!!
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I continue to pray for my country.
Dave, this ia a little unrealistic but I take your point. expecting someone who has hypomania/ mania to be able to control their inappropriate behaviours whilst in that mood state , or recognise the afterwards is not really understanding how hypomania and mania work. IT is alright in theory but not in practice, as Sophia pointed out , and have exoerience too,telling someon e about their behaviour will only enrage them like a “roaring bull”. If they had that ability to control those behaviours just because someone had pointed them out to them and asked them to modify them they would.
Telling someone who has bipolar Disorder about their inappropriate behaviour is as those of who have tried it likely to make matters worse and escalate their hypomania or mania and is not advisable. Steering them away from a situatin by distraction is far more helpful and effective and less likley to enrage them.learimg about earlky warning signs and triggers may be more helpful.It is like asking someone with severe cancer not to have pain! and is daft.Their behaviour is a symptom of untreated or incorrectly treated Bipolar manic/ hypomanic symptoms, and usually accompanies this phase of the illness, not the depressed phase.
It sounds good in theory but in practice makes matters worse to tell them except atv carefully chosen times, only with the specific purpose of makieng them aware of the need to improve thier treatment. Learing nad heraing about their behaviours will have no effect on thier next behaviour once high again. Getting treatment will make the biggest difference, if that is, if it is the correct tteatment. Just because someon ei regularly taking their treatment is no guarantee that they ahve been prescribed what works fir them so it is not thier fault. Much responsibiloty alos lies with the psychiatrist and menatal hralth teams are are often ill informed and do not monitor treatmenst in the community , nor are they all up to date with current tretament approaches. They need as much education if not more than the supporters in many instances. many supporters go to great lenght sto learn about Bipolar and are well educated and not stupid and can understand this conditii very well having experienced it at closer quaters than the mental health teams often for years. Often they know far more than the menatl health workers, and psychiatrsist too frequently miss symptoms even when pointed out to them by the relatives.
I am well informed about Bipolar Disorder and have 32 years nursing experience too and 12 years of interpersonal Bipolar experience of my Partner. I do indeed take a proactive aproach with My partner and seek appropriate help well in advance of imminent episodes, but if the person has no insight and is i denail hroigh no fault of their own other than the fact that they are too ill to see their behaviour, or in denial of the need to take their treatment, and also has ineffective mental health workers who can not even spot the symptoms, then it is ver difficult. Once insight goes again, it does not matter how much awareness or edcutaion about the illness you or yoir loved one gains oin more stable periods, they will still revert to the sma behaviours in a manic/ hypomanic phase. This is not in thier control and is nothing yo do with learning how to chaznge behaviour.
It is purely a matter of inisght and rarely understood. Those with more insight may be able to modify some of thbeir behaviour with learning and careful self monitoring, but approximately 50 % lose their inisght during high phases , therefore, can not exercise the control you imply they should be able to regardless of any prior acceptance that they may have had, o aggreement to behave dofferently, they can not retain that knowledge or ability to show control once they are high again. Trying to get them to acknowledge and change their behaviours will not work. They need treatment to get well instaed so they can start to actually think clearly and see their behaviour. This will only occur if they are on the correct combination of effective treatments . If they are well then these inappropriate behaviours simply will not happen, anyway ,they are purely symptoms down to brain chemistry and excess dopamine . They are not chosen behaviours and they ahve nothing actually to do with learned behaviours.
This is always a poorly understood element of Bipolar diosrder.The altered brain chemistry is what is making them behave in certain ways and pointing them out will shame and aggravate the mood. The only context in which thes behaviooyr s should and could be brought uo is when the person is not high and in terms of illustrating what they do whe high ( though they will probably not remember later) but will certainly take no notice and just be enraged if pointed out whe high, but later it may reinforce the need for them to take the illness seriously when they hear how they have behaved. This may encourage them to seek help if they do not wnat these behaviours to recur.
Do not expect a quiet word or pointing them out to have any effect on their actual ability to control a specific inappropriate behaviour. IT does not work, unless the brain chemistry is functioning better, excatly the same as individuals behaviour can be altered whe their diabetes is not stabilized. It is not within their control, and even ther urge to stop medications, and deny the illness is all part of the alterted thinking of bipolar. They do not deliberately choose to stop their meds or deny the illness. Usually they stop their meds because they have startd to become high anyway, possibly due to inappropriate meds they are taking infact, or other triggers such as stress or perhaps 1 missed or forgotten dose, so they are starting to think and feel differently. Bipolar is a biochemical illness which alters behaviour by altering thinking and feelings. It is not a behavioural disorder.
Atlast. This needed to be emphasized. I have to say I agree with you Galaxy on this one from years of experience.The behavioural difficulty is hard to understand and rarely is. Some simplistic approaches rarely work and can inflame the situation, this is the case.I am not suggesting we should cover up their behaviours or not address them, and neither are you,I knmow, but there is a time and a place and a way of doing it, and even then it may have no impact on their illness or degree of control.
Effective treatment and steering them in that direction is the only solution and will certainly take time to achieve stability. This is also dependant on finding a good psychiatrist and supporting the individual with treatment compliance.
why would someone on medication for bipolar call one day anxious to see you ,falls asleep then says i’ll see you tomorrow and totally loses the motivation ,or forgets the next day that they were anxious to see you in that moment the day before?