Hi,

How’s it going?

I hope you’re doing well.

I got a comment to a post I did on how to communicate with your loved one, and I thought I’d share it with you, as he makes some very good points.

“Dear Dave, Learning to be soothing and yet assertive at the same time is akin to balancing on a high wire, however , I know it can be done, because on occassion I have succeeded.

Over the xmas and New Year hols my daughter( who lives with me along with her two young sons) went into a BP depression that lasted most of 4 weeks.

Rachel finds the amount of stress and stimulation overload in the streets and homes workplaces and playgrounds during this time almost unbearable so she took to her bed.

There were times I stared into the well of desperation but theres one thing you say over and over Dave – these episodes pass and our loved ones stabilize how I wanted to rant and rave and bang my fists on the wall of frustration : but we all know that doesn’t work. It was also great to have knowledge of BP and how to be an effective supporter. All of my small amount of experience went into focusing on the BP and not my daughter.

So it was back to basics concentrating on one day at a time sometimes it was down to one hour or part of a hour at a time.

What I found most heartening my daughter responded most days and I know it was an enormous struggle for her to shift the enornous weight of her dark dark mood to hear me.

I kept things simple like we planned and I kept myself calm. Before any discussion or talk I would prepare what I wanted to say I would go over it all in my head to get rid of any subjective jangling bits or any personal rubbish and to focus effort on what I wanted to get across whether it was bathing regularily or taking her meds or even proposing a little trip to the french cafe down the road, because I know that I would have to talk through an enormous amount of negative traffic going on in Rachel’s head.”

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“…an enormous amount of negative traffic going on in Rachel’s head.” That is such a telling statement, and so true of people who have bipolar disorder.

This man starts by saying, “Learning to be soothing and yet assertive at the same time is akin to balancing on a high wire, however , I know it can be done, because on occassion I have succeeded.”

Yes, it can feel like balancing on a high wire sometimes – I know, because that’s the way I felt with my mom at times when she was in an episode. It was hard to bite my tongue and not say the things I wanted to say when I wanted to say them.

Balancing on a high wire is like walking around on eggshells, afraid that something you say or do will set your loved one off, trigger them into an episode, or make an existing episode worse. But he says he has been able to make it work on occasion, and that’s encouraging. When I was able to make it work with my mom, she started to recover, so I know what he’s talking about.

He also says: “All of my small amount of experience went into focusing on the BP and not my daughter. So it was back to basics concentrating on one day at a time sometimes it was down to one hour or part of a hour at a time.”

Two good points here.

1. Focus on the bipolar disorder and not your loved one – it will help you to deal
with them much easier. The enemy is not your loved one, the enemy is the disorder.
Fighting with your loved one will not make things better for either one of you.

2. Back to basics – concentrating on one day at a time, sometimes one hour
at a time. That’s what you have to do in order to deal with your loved one
and their bipolar behavior.

Then he says: ” I kept things simple like we planned and I kept myself calm. Before any discussion or talk I would prepare what I wanted to say I would go over it all in my head to get rid of any subjective jangling bits or any personal rubbish and to focus effort on what I wanted to get across…”

Which is good advice. It’s best to always keep it simple. But the most practical advice he gives is to keep calm and before any discussion, plan what you’re going to say. And remember, this will pass.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave