Hi, how’s it going? Hope you are doing well.
I had a talk with a woman the other day. We were at an event, and she pulled me aside and asked if I knew about bipolar disorder. I chuckled a little, and said yes. So she proceeded to tell me about her brother-figure who has the disorder, and who is causing her a lot of problems.
She claimed he was compliant with his medications, but from the way she described his actions, I think he may not have been on the right medications for him. She told me how he would have outbursts of anger towards her, and treat her like she was a scapegoat. And she told me how his life actions were not making sense, and how he still behaved in ways that weren’t what they should have been.
Then she told me something interesting. She said that all she wanted to do was help, but that he was taking so much out of her when she tried to help that she felt like she needed to break all contact with him.
Does this sound familiar to any of you? Based off that, I immediately knew two things about this relationship. I knew she was enabling him. And I knew that she didn’t have the personal boundaries set up that she needed to have.
In case you didn’t already know, there is a big difference between helping someone and enabling them. When you help someone, you do things that are limited. These are things that might be inconvenient for them to do themselves, but that aren’t necessary for them to develop coping skills or other skills and values.
These are also things that don’t take away from you taking care of yourself. A slight inconvenience on your part isn’t a big deal, every once in a while. But if it starts draining you of your energy, then you know you’ve taken it too far.
It’s like driving down a street looking for a house, and the person you are going to meet has told you that if you come to Robinson Street, you have gone too far. Well, you are driving through your relationship with them, so to speak, looking for a good balance. If you reach the point of exasperation, then you have gone too far. Turn the beepers on, it’s time to back up. LOL.
Enabling looks entirely different. When you enable them, you do things for them that they should have done for themselves. These are things that they needed to do to teach them valuable lessons and skills, and unknowingly you have taken that away from them in your desire to help. In the long run, enabling doesn’t help either of you.
So what does helping or enabling really look like? Well, in everyday life, helping would be noticing that the grocery store is hiring and telling your friend who is job hunting. Enabling would be picking up the application and filling it out for them. Believe it or not, I’ve known people to do this!
In the world of a bipolar supporter, helping might look like finding them a psychiatrist to go to. Enabling might look like setting up the appointment and going with them, if this is something they are capable of doing on their own.
Now that brings up an interesting point. If they are the sort that they are not capable of doing that on their own, then helping them out with it would be okay. Enabling will look a little different in every situation.
Enabling might look like reminding them to take their medications if they often forget, but helping would look more like helping them set up an alarm system that they can use to remind themselves. Once again, this depends on the situation.
It also depends on how much the supporter would have to go out of their way to do it. If you ever “have” to do something that makes you uncomfortable or drains you of your energy to deal with your own life, then don’t do it! Chances are, this is something that they need to learn how to do themselves, anyway. And if it is simply beyond their means, then try referring them to someone else who is more equipped to help them, instead of helping them yourself.
What are your thoughts on this?
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
In the business world we have a term that refers to the intrusive parents of the millennial generation now entering the working world. They are called helicopter parents. They do everything for their children (picking up applications, completing them, bringing the young adult to interviews, and calling check on job offers). After their “child” is hired they insert themselves into any work situation to assure that their off- spring are being treated as special employees and not blamed for any errors they might make. These young people will never learn the lessons of success because they were never allowed to fail or suffer the consequences of their errors.
This letter very much reminds me of this situation. Life’s lessons are not learned through success but through failure and answering for the consequences of mistakes. My husband and I have been dealing with his bipolar problems for twenty five years and the lessons of me enabling and trying to do everything for him and then, recognizing the error, and forcing him to assume responsibility for his own care have been some of the most difficult ones for us to overcome. These issues still plague us today.
Keep up the good work and thank you for being a voice of reason for the supporters of the world.
sent comment already.
Gosh, I would like to think that it’s just me being an enabler that is draining me of my energy. Then I could just let go of dealing with county and governmental agencies, trying just to get an appointment with a psychiatrist, working all the ropes to obtain cost-effective medications, never knowing what effect the medications will have today and having to put up with the consequences, mopping up spills, being treated with little consideration and affection, often not being able to leave my partner alone and rarely having a breather for myself let alone any peace of mind, looking for a place to live because we’ve lost our home due to the disorder, trying to manage a multitude of new medical bills, living the consequences of irrational decisions, and on and on.
Maybe it’s just self-pity on my part. But then at 77-years-old, I’m a newcomer to all of this.
My other half say she will avoid any arguments with me because she is inabling me by doing so. Is this true?
THERE’S ALOT OF LAUGHTER IN THE NURSING PROGRAM OF KINGSBOROUGH SO WE ARE RUNNING OUT TO WISH MY AUNT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN BROOKLYN. SHE RECEIVED A GENEROUS GIFT OF $950.00 FROM ALL MY SISTERS WITH CHILDREN. GOTTA RUN BACK
Well, I am hoping that I am on the right medications, but sometimes I wonder. I am still having outbursts in the daytime and sometimes at night, which cause me to want to get in the car and run away. My husband threatens to call the police and have me put away, he also has a daughter that lives out east and he has threatened to have his daughter’s friends do harm to me. This scares me. Then it puts me in a situation where I don’t know where to turn or who to turn to. And yes, my outbursts are draining him of his energy and he has started smoking again. He blames me for his smoking habit. He has said that he wants a divorce. We’ve only been married 5 months. He said that I acted better when we weren’t married and that I don’t treat him like a husband should be treated. He wants the “old Vicki” back, but I don’t want her back because she was seeking out men on the internet, going to meet them with no consequence for my safety etc. We are looking for a good balance. I’ve just been recently diagnosed with Bipolar I. I used to have highs and lows, but no middle ground. When you write and I am quoting you here. When you enable them, you do things for them that they should have done for themselves. These are things that they needed to do to teach them valuable lessons and skills, and unknowingly you have taken that away from them in your desire to help. THIS IS THE WAY THAT MY DAD WAS, BUT HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME IN HIS DESIRE TO HELP ME, CONTROL ME ETC.
I myself used to be with someone who knew what I was doing, he took advantage of me because I was ALWAYS ENABLING HIM. He is an uncontrollable diabetic, doesn’t watch his meds, eats the wrong thing, but he loved Vicki or anyone taking care of him. I would be the one filling out the application. Wrong thing to do.
Sorry I am rattling here. Your quote again – If you ever “Have” to do something that makes you uncomfortable or drains you of your energy to deal with your own life, then don’t do it. I feel that my husband’s energy is draining and our marriage is more distant, however I am seeing a psychiatrist, which is helping me and I have joined a support group, but what about my husband. Would there be help for him as we struggle with this Bipolar thing. Great article by the way David.
i am an insomniac because i either dream of things related to what the bipolar in my life has done or i am afraid as dumb as it sounds what he might do while sleeping example internet porn, phone calls etc i have been married 27 years he has gotten help and made improvements i just cant trust or forget the first 20 years of shear hell i let go on. any advice sleepless in nebraska
Would it be considered ‘enabling’ if you delayed having a discussion with a loved one, to talk about delicate issues, after they had been through an episode and said and done unfair and unkind things, which had really hurt you and upset others; through fear of things getting out of hand again and repercusions of his anger affecting close family members.
David,
What you say about enabling is absolutely correct but, as the mother of a 24 year-old son who was diagnosed with bipolarity at age 17, it’s hard. Our road has been a hard one – I could write here forever; but I always feel like if I just let him do “whatever he needs to do” he may run into trouble. By choice he lives in another city, is seeing a psychiatrist that doesn’t believe he needs medication. He was on medications for about 4 years and then when he moved to where he lives now he searched for a doctor – and to my bewilderment – he tells him he doesn’t need medication. Anyway, I’m always wondering if there will be another episode, worry to death about him, day in and day out. I must say he is very proactive but there are still many shortcomings due to his bipolarity. Therefore, I always feel like I need to be “watching over him” He doesn’t like it, but I feel that if I don’t and something happens, I will never forgive myself. This is just a never ending story, I know. I’m dealing with it the best I can. Thank you for listening. One very sad mom.
A huge thank you…..I so look forward to your newsletter/email everyday.
I do not have any family where I live nor friends that I could help & support. I was recently diagnosed Bipolar 1, after many years of misdiagnosis. I am now 60 years young & feel so grateful everyday that I made it through another day. Again thank you David for your newsletter.
Respectfully,
Val C.
The difference between enabling and helping is a good point to bring up and sometimes difficult to tell the difference, especially when the person with bipolar is an immediate family member.
I understand about enabling and helping. WhenI had my first really bad manic episode because I was on Effexor and had not been diagnosed yet I bought several thousands of merchandise from all sources with my own stock money I had just received from my parents. I told everyone it was my money and they couldn’t tell me what to do. I ended up in the hospital. My husband and daughter sent things back and refused things at the door while I was in the hospital. But there were things from a thrift shop that my husband did not take back as he thought I’d be mad. Well, when I came home I was glad to not have to take care of the huge amount I had bought because I had such guilt from that episode. But having to take the things back to the thrift shop really had great effects on me. I had to face the embarrassment of lugging these things back and asking for a refund explaining what had happened. The shop owner was only able to give me a partial refund at that time. She had told my husband when he had contacted her that she would give HIM a full refund at that time. So I was angry at myself for losing the money and also for being so out of control. My husband and daughter had helped by returning and refusing items, but in a way they had enabled me too by doing it. I needed to face the consequeces of my actions like with the trift shop. I know now (15+ yrs later) it was the illness that caused the spending and I’ve never spent like that again. I never had an episode like that again, but I’ve had milder ones. I know now the Effexor had exasberated the episode. I had a three year stretch without symptoms on Depakote with respeidol. Then I moved and went to a new Dr who changed my meds as I couldn’t lose the 50 lbs I’d gained from the previous meds. My mania came back bigtime. I and my husband spent weeks not paying attention to the symptoms as we were unpacking and getting used to our new town. After getting only 10 hrs sleep in a week, 7 of those from Ambian from my medical Dr, I was in and out of the hospital until I was stabilized on Lamictal and Geodon. That Dr was trying to help me loose weight but he was enabling me by changing my meds to do it. I needed to have a more effective medication. This was a very little known medication (I can’t remember the name of) and have been told by other psychiatrists that it was not very effective for bipolar. I have now been symtom free for over 2 years on Lamictal and Geodon and have lost some weight too. So I’ve learned that people need to try to not be TOO helpful.
I was enablng my daughter while she was transitioning from teen to 19; i stopped and now thinks i don’t care about her; now what??
Always a good reminder about drawing the line. Enabled for over 30 years to save my self esteem. Know I am backing off due to a better support structure that is reinforcing the ” enable vs. Helping” line.
You need help to make this transsition to work well.
Thanks Dave for the article.
Thanks for your e-mails When I take a look at them I get the help and a better understanding of what I can do and now what I should’nt be doing. thanks
I am so frustrated, my husband says he wants help, but isn’t doing anything to make it happen. He is being stubborn and hard-headed. He has been having an affair with a girl that is only 7 years older than our oldest son for about 2 1/2 years off and on. He says he’s not happy, that I don’t make him happy, she doesn’t have any kids, only works pt, and is there to occupy his mind since he is on workers comp. I work a full time job, we have 4 wonderful kids that don’t like what is going on. We have been married for almost 15 years and he has moved out 7 times in the past 6 years. When he is with her, we are best friends and get along great, love spending time together, but when he is with me, he does the same with her. He has drug our kids into it, spending all of their spare time with her since she only works on weekends. He is so self consumed these days, he says he loves me, but he’s not in love with me, but be likes her a lot and he doesn’t know why. Then he tells me that he doesn’t know how he feels about me. That he only tells me he loves me out of habit. He has been saying the most hurtful things to me. He has told the kids that he is an adult and can do what he wants. Doesn’t care how the kids feel about the situation. He has been abusing pain pills since he was injured, I know he hurts, but they can’t find anything wrong. I know bipolar meds are not going to be a miracle fix, and he has already said he doesn’t want to be on meds. He has issues with me trying to put our marriage first, he feels like the kids should come first. I don’t know what to do. I am staying with my mom for a few days because that was the only way I felt I could get him to come back home. He had told me he was moving out, but only packed a suitcase, then said be hadn’t made up his mind about moving out. He doesn’t understand why I get so upset about him spending time with her. He said he is not going to break off contact with her. Help, I need advice, I am hurting so deeply and he is being so coldhearted like he doesn’t care and is doing it on purpose. At least that’s how it feels
I have a 43-year-old daughter who has always been a difficult person. She started throwing temper tantrums when she was about 2 and the doctors chalked it up to the terrible two’s. But they kept getting worse, until she was holding her breath until she started passing out. I would rush her to the doctor and he would just chuckle and say she was feeling left out because her dad had just returned from Vietnam. I really doubted this because both of us really loved her and never left her out.
To make a long story short, I have only recently deduced that she has inherited her paternal grandmother’s bipolar disorder, (with the help of my oncologist). My daughter and and I had been going through the latest of many horrible fights and I wound up breaking down into tears in my doctor’s office. I gave a brief rundown and she agreed that perhaps bipolar disorder has been the problem all along.
I relayed what I suspected to my daughter, who actually took it quite well. She looked up the information on line and then spoke to a friend who was diagnosed about 7 years ago. Unfortunately, her friend discouraged her from taking any medications as it would “stifle her creativity”.
The last time I talked to my daughter, I told her that I would not participate in her problems until she made an appointment to see a psychiatrist for confirmation and medication.
Meanwhile, I feel like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. All this time I had thought it was somehow MY fault that she was such a difficult person, and I now feel that it was this disorder.
I hope I have done the right thing with her, but I cannot take anymore of the stress that we both have endured for almost 43 years.
If any of you have any advice, I would really appreciate it. Thank you!
s
Am I enabling my daughter when I clean up the kitchen ? I have to live in this house too! She always says she will do it & many times she does,but I would say 90% of the time it’s a mess. (I picked the kitchen,but it is just one example). As a parent,I would give my life for my child, I’m sure most parents can relate. So this seems like an impossible situation. I know I am being manipulated, but knowing & being able to stand up to her is very difficult. I’m not a wimp, I have gone toe to toe with her many times & in critical situations she will back down. Sometimes it’s very clear to me that I can’t let something happen or a situation continue, but uaually it’s not clear at all.
@Linda , I wonder the same thing. While I was on vacation my bipolar childhood friend manipulated her way into getting the keys into my house and moved herself in after a drinking episode got her into major trouble and her mother kicked her out. We had a discussion about what I would need from her about a month later if she were to continue staying with me. I said I needed her to cook for me and clean for me (she is unemployed and not chipping in for any of the bills). She does neither , at least not on any sort of regular basis. Everytime I try to voice my feelings or concerns she turns it around on my about how hard done-by she is and how this is so hard for her. But I can’t just leave my dishes to rot, or not buy food.