Bipolar Supporter? After the Holidays, Then What?

Hi, how are you today? I hope you’re doing well.

Well, it’s past New Year’s, and all the holidays, so you might be asking, “Now what?”

If your loved one made it through the holidays without going into a bipolar episode, that’s fantastic! Count yourself blessed. On the other hand, the holidays may have been a trigger for them, and things aren’t going so well. So now what? How do you help your loved one after the holidays?

The key, in my opinion, is to love them unconditionally. I know that’s hard at times, at least it was hard for me with my mom. There were times that she made me so mad that I wanted to hate her. But that was the hurt in me speaking out. I couldn’t really hate my mom. But I could hate the bipolar disorder that made her hurt me. Like I said, all I could do was to love her unconditionally.

It helped when I was able to learn to separate her from her disorder. I could blame her bipolar and not blame her. Which wasn’t easy, but was easier than if I didn’t. You see? There’s a big difference between hating the disorder and hating your loved one. If you can separate them from their bipolar, you can legitimately get mad, but at the right thing. You can be mad because of their behavior, and try to get them to change it, without being mad at them directly.

On the other hand, no one says that you have to take abuse, either. If your loved one is verbally

abusive, you can always separate from them in love. What do I mean by that? Well, you can love them, but hate their behavior. You separate the two, and when you are able to talk to your loved one (when they are past the episode), explain how their anger hurts you. Then set a boundary.

This would be something like telling them, “I love you, and I realize that it’s your bipolar disorder that makes you so angry, but it hurts me anyway. So when you act in anger toward me, I will have to leave you alone until you’re over it.”

You don’t have to say that exactly, but something like it. And then you need to stick to your guns. You have to be consistent. The next time they take their anger out on you, leave them.

Either go into another room or even leave the house if you have to. Then they will understand that they have to be accountable for their hurting you. And they should take responsibility for their behavior and its consequences. They will have to accept the boundaries that you set for them.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

  1. thank you for this i almost left my husban of 32 yr becouse of this same thing and now i understand a little better thank you

  2. You talk so much about “anger” and managing bipolar people with their “anger” issues. 95% of my issue is depression and that is not something friends and family can help you with, it is in your head and you try medication cocktails of this and that, and still sometimes nothing helps…
    I’d like to see more of the posts address the depressive side of the bipolar patient.
    I’d like to know what other people have tried and done with success.
    I have been in a funk since Thanksgiving and yes, the holidays are hard, being single and alone, there is a lot of pressure and then becoming unemployed has almost sent me off the edge with suicide attempts twice in the last 6 months.
    With no job comes no insurance. No cash to pay for the $180 and hour pdoc visits, getting into the public health system takes a long time, proof of no income, unemployment, etc.. and then you end up seeing a doctor that treats people for sore throats and has no idea how to put you on the proper meds.
    It takes months to get through the comp care system to see their one doctor. I take 300 mg of Lamictal daily and 4 mg of Klonopin. The doctor took me off my Ambien because she said it was “too much medicine”. Now I never sleep… no matter how I argue with her, she thinks I am drug seeking. After a suicide attempt I went to the hospital and they thought I was “drug seeking”.
    I feel very “stuck”, don’t want to get out of bed, bathe, brush my teeth or talk to anyone.
    Something has to help, and listening to what other people have experienced helps.
    thanks, and yes, I’ll try to have a “nice day”.

  3. Hi Lindeelou,
    I am a bipolar sufferer who is depressed most of the time. The holidays totally suck for me also. I lay around feeling sorry for myself, eating a bunch of crap and gaining weight. I read the same Hollywood magazines over and over mindlessly. I only shower and wash my hair every four days, and that takes a supreme effort. I would stay in my pyjamas all day if I could get away with it. I am single, 53 years old, parents deceased, and no siblings. Yes I have friends, but they cannot be here for me whenever I am lonely, also, friends cannot replace the love of a man (in my eyes).
    THe only thing that I can say has helped slightly, is taking an antidepressent in addition to your Lamictal.
    I take Depakote and the antidepressent Cymbalta, 60 mgs. daily. It is very effective in helping me to get out of bed and carry on, otherwise I probably would not bother. I force myself to go out with friends to lunch, movies, dinner, coffee, anything whenever possible to get me out and about, and motivated to at least try to get some enjoyment out of life. I find that if I force myself to get out, I end up actually having a good time and was glad I went. So these are my suggestions to you. Of course, your doctor may not recommend the same antidepressent as mine, but just ask him for an antidepressent that works for Bipolar Disorder.
    Good luck to you!
    -Been there

  4. Dear Dave and all readers, Lynn here, ‘real’ alcoholic, living w/Bipolar on a daily basis, and I’m also in recovery from ‘co-dependency.’
    What good pieces of advice!! For me, that’s exactly what Alanon offers and teaches. I like being in recovery from an overwhelming desire to ‘fix’ other people and their problems. Co-dependency issues are BAIT: B.oundaries, A.bandonment, I.ntimacy, and T.rust. One learns how to make and keep healthy boundaries, detachment w/love and respect, and other Alanon ideas. There are several people in my daily life who are either alcoholics, also have bipolar, or BOTH. Thanks for letting me share.

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