Hi,
Have you seen that new show about a young couple that just had a new baby and what their life is like now? It’s a comedy about how their life has changed now that they have a baby in their lives. I haven’t seen it, but the commercials look pretty funny. Maybe you’ve had children, and you remember when they were babies (or you have a baby now)… And you remember how they would cry, and you’d have to try to figure out what they were crying about… Did they need their diaper changed? Did they need to be fed? Did they need to be held? Did they need their pacifier? Did they need something else?
The point is, the only way that a baby has to communicate is through crying. But we learn, as an adult, that we have to communicate through words if we’re going to get our point across. In other words, you can’t expect your loved one to know what you’re thinking or feeling if you just shut down and stop communicating. It is very important to keep the lines of communication
open with your loved one who has bipolar disorder.
Communication is one of the most important things there is in a relationship. Especially when you’re trying to deal with bipolar disorder. So why do supporters stop talking to their loved ones with bipolar disorder? Well, usually it has to do with fear. Fear that they will make their loved one worse. Fear that it will start a fight. Fear that they won’t be understood. Fear that they will push their loved one away from them. Fear that they are making a “mountain out of a molehill.”
Fear that their thoughts and feelings aren’t really valid. Or any one of a number of reasons.
They may even be going from past experience. Some bipolar supporters have tried to talk to their loved ones in the past and it hasn’t worked out, so they stopped talking to them. Maybe this is you. Maybe you tried sharing your thoughts or feelings with your loved one at some point and it didn’t work out exactly like you wanted it to, so you’ve stopped talking to your loved one, too.
Maybe it’s out of fear. It could be for one of the reasons I listed. Or it could be for another reason. But whatever the reason, if you’ve stopped talking to your loved one, then communications have broken down… And that’s NOT good. For you, or for them, for your relationship, or for their bipolar disorder.
Maybe you just need to take a risk. Try taking something simple. And start with that. Like making a suggestion. For example… Maybe you can offer an opinion on what the two of you can do together this weekend or something. It’s a start! Then work up from there. Eventually, you can rebuild the walls of your communication and be able to share your thoughts and feelings with your loved one again.
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
What if it’s that your loved one has stopped speaking to YOU? My brother has bipolar, and he hasn’t spoken to me for over a year because I defended my parents when he was being verbally abusive to them (while in a manic phase).
Any advice for people like me? I love my brother, and miss him, but he refuses to speak with me or see me.
This is exactly what I talked to my husband about when he attended a therapy session with me. I tend to withdraw when I am feeling very depressed because I know it hurts my loved one very much and that it places an emotional burden on him. But still, I need to get my feelings out there. It’s not that I expect him to be a mind reader, but when he notices changes, I want him to initiate a conversation. When he does, I feel safer to talk about my feelings.
that’s what makes you more beautiful I guess
my beau went to church today to thank the lord for 1 more year of FREEDOM – this is a wonderful feeling when you have a beau that supports this very characteristic
He says that’s my “finest” point
most people with bipolar who are mateless need a good support system.
I appreciate the study that you have Conducted about the Patients and the Supporters too only if the remedy in the same manner is shared by you with everyone it will be a big Boon to the mankind and great service to the Humanity
hello Dave…..
Well your post on this one hit home hard!! my husband and I have NO communition in our marriage…I am the one with bi-polar, and so cannot talk to him what so ever about how i feel, he does not want to hear anything, says i am being foolish being emotional abd all my BP symptoms, even went as far to say Bi-polar is not real, it is just in the mind, and I am weak minded….our marriage is actually coming to an end because we have no communication what so ever in our marriage, he never tals to me, and we cannot talk on personal things, it always turns into an arguement, fight, just not good…..I am totally alone on every part of this here!!
(christina.macdonald168@gmail.com)
I just stumbled across this blog looking for insight after my son’s girlfriend just had an episode. I’ve spent the past 5 yrs trying to be understanding, don’t know if I can do this any more but hate leaving them alone w/this situation, know it is not her purposeful behavior. I saw this episode coming & stayed away all summer, knowing she gets angry at him & then by proxy, at me. My family is very calm, quiet & to be the recipient of her vile, vicious, disgusting accusations is extremely difficult – we don’t even use the type of language she uses. When this behavior is over, she becomes friendly as if it never happened & I need to decide if I want to set myself up to feeling violated again & again. I’m 70 years old & not in the best of health. While she has son to accept & defend her actions, seeing to it that she is protected, I have no one but myself & feel avoiding her may be my only way of protecting my health as she won’t discuss this with me, claims that somehow I deserve her wrath – even when son agrees with me (doesn’t happen often) that I have done nothing wrong to her, that I want to be a part of her life as I’ve never had a daughter & it is her own insecurity from her less than enchanted childhood. I know avoiding her this past summer did not keep her from creating situations in her mind about me that were not fact, but at least I won’t know about it when she does become angry with me if I am not in contact with her. I feel guilty and selfish about abandoning her but I need to look out for my well being, too. Maybe I could have handled this 20 years ago, but not now and don’t believe I should be subjected to the anxiety of it all. I’m sure everyone on this blog thinks I’m wrong & I’d like your comments and suggestions to improve this, please.
you know I usually don’t read these things but soome reason I did today and it was exactly right on! I talk with my family now, but don’t feel we really communicate. They prefer to avoid the real issues of my life and I take it that they don’t really believe my condition is serious.. I hide alot from them too. I am grown (53) and don’t feel like I should need their approval/acceptance so much – but I do. They just want me to get a job and be normal…they think since I am on disability I am lazy, a welfare statistic. They don’t comprehend that I may never have the life I used to have. I put up a good front for a lot of years and even got a Master’s Degree. They think I’m “too smart” to be sick. Period. Truth is, I’m probably getting worse as I get older. I really need them now, but don’t know how to tell them without them freaking out. It’s just what you said…fear. For me, it’s fear of rejection. I am going to my local Center for Independent Living to see what to do. I hope they can help because I really don’t have anyone. Thanks for your emails and writings, I will start reading them more often. And to the people that complain about their partner…be glad you have somebody!
Hello dave and all.
Well, so far we have open conversations of allmost all issues of life. Well, we has to. It is my longterm GF who has BP and we are from 2 totally diffrent cultures. I am from Nordic culture and she is from South-American culture. So, you may be can image that do not make that supporting any easier at all. But in otherhand it also do. Becouse we has had to even in beging sort out culture diffrences. So, that has kept open our conversating “line”. But when she has her fits she talks so many odd things or just jybbirish. Specially manias mood. and sometimes there is language barriers. but we do love each others deeply. so, it can be both ways not nice… too quiet or too much talk. and when she goes depression mood, she can be sometimes quiet for days. On then I just trying to be near her and show her that I am with her. It is not allways easy at all. But we did choose to stay support to our loved ones, right? I did anyhow, she did told me even in beginging that she has this BD.
I am at my wits end. I have been trying to get my loved one into treatment over the last month, to no avail. the doctors didn’t listen to me when it was possible to get him help. Then he stopped taking his meds (again). Now his episode has got so bad that he is a suspect of a crime. We don’t have the evidence, but the fact that he disappeared again just before is suspicious. Now the police are looking for him and his paranoia that people are “out to get him” has come true. This is the worst episode ever. Communication with him has totally broken down. Everyone (except himself) can see that he is seriously ill. Things can only get worse, if he is not taken to the psych ward very soon. I have done all I could to help him and it seems the bipolar monster out-smarted me. I am worried sick. I know this is it now, I can’t do this anymore and we can’t be together again. I will still help and support him as a friend, as he has nobody else. If only we could find a good therapist for him that isn’t so far away. I also said to his psych that if they could ever find meds that really work for him without all those horrible side effects he would stick to them. All I can do now is pray for his safety. Now I’m the one who needs counselling because of the dreadful thing that happened to me (he may have been involved in). He has a heart of gold when he is himself, but when the bipolar monster takes over he cannot be trusted. I love him, but I can’t be in a relationship with him anymore.
To NIGHTLADY: I have read your posts now for years about coping with your loved one, and I feel that you are taking the right stance by choosing to make him a friend instead of a permanent lover. Sometimes we’re sooo close to our man that we can’t see ALL the flaws or the fact that we’re hitting ourselves over the head to try to help – without gain. Let the authorities take care of him now; I agree, you BOTH need counseling, and, perhaps, you could use some meds yourself!! You seem like a VERY generous, loving and giving lady, with a good heart who reached out to the wrong man. NOW, perhaps, if you let it, you can move on, and try to make a NEW life without him. I KNOW how hard this will be; I had the same experience with my first live-in lover – he was a paranoid schizophrenic. The thing that held us together was our mental illness. I finlally left him to marry my first husband at the age of 36. You’ve given this man the “best years of your life.” – it’s now time for you to LIVE for YOURSELF. Don’t beat yourself up about what might have been, or what you did or didn’t do. That’s only counterproductive and does you absolustelyl no good. I’m praying for you, Nightlady, that the Lord will grant you peace and comfort as you step out in a new life for yourself.. Good lubk – and God bless….
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I continue to pray for my country.
Thanks, Suzanne. You are a very sensible person with bipolar. This only proves that it can be done. You’re lucky to have found the right meds that work for you and keep stable. I’m still worried sick, as I haven’t heard any news of him for a week now. The longer he is left without help the worse he will get. I pray that he will get the treatment he needs asap.