Hi, how are you today? I hope you’re doing fine.
Sometimes people get the wrong idea of what being a supporter is. They think they have to do
everything for their loved one with bipolar disorder. Even things that they can do for themselves. And that’s called enabling, which isn’t a positive thing for a supporter.
I mean, I’m not saying not to help your loved one, you should, but just not to the extreme. Some supporters who go to the extreme treat their loved one like a child, and then wonder why their loved one resents them. You don’t want this to happen to you. You want to be the best supporter
you can be.
But you also cannot leave out one very important person in the process of supporting your loved one – YOU!
Let me ask you: Are you taking care of yourself? Because if you don’t, you may get sick (physically and/or emotionally), and then what kind of help would you be to your loved one?
You MUST take care of yourself first, or you won’t be able to help your loved one (or anyone
else, for that matter).
I know that some people will disagree with me. They may think it is selfish to put themselves first. But, again, I would say to you that if you DON’T put yourself first, you won’t be an effective supporter, family member, friend, co-worker, etc.
It is definitely not a matter of being selfish but, instead, a matter of “best practices.” Have you heard of “best practices?” It’s a business term that applies to those ways in which the company
(and/or its departments) can be most effective – by using “best practices.” You can be your most effective as well, if you use “best practices.”
Every supporter is different, but best practices for you might include:
• Going to your own therapist
• Attending your own support group
• Keeping in close contact with your friends and family
• Having a social life
• Doing things outside the home separate from your loved one
• Doing things that you enjoy
• Having hobbies
• Being of service to others besides your loved one
• Being active in church or a civic organization
• Volunteering for a worthy cause
• Taking care of yourself physically
• Taking care of yourself mentally
• Taking care of yourself emotionally
• Taking care of yourself spiritually
• Keeping a positive attitude
• Improving your self-esteem
• Bettering yourself
• Learning more about bipolar disorder
• Learning something new
• etc.
The better you take care of yourself, the better you can take care of your loved one with bipolar disorder. It’s not a matter of selfishness, it’s a matter of necessity.
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
It is important to keep one self helathy when dealing with a bipolar loved one. In my experience, when you are suffering phisically or emotionaly, this kind of “bad vibrations” pass on to the ones that surround you. And you definately don’t want that to happen wiht a loved one that suffers form bipolar disorder.
Regards.
Dear Dave,
everything you have said today is correct.
I have a daughter who is BP and I am the care giver of her children as well as principle supporter to Rachel: at the onset of Rachels episode 2 years ago I did not take care of myself as a result I landed up depressed , with a heart condition and high blood pressure . It took a short sharp dose of reality ( I landed up in hospital with an angina attack for me to face up to the reality if I didn’t look after myself I wouldn’t be around to look after my daughter and her young sons. Funnily enough ( and I might add it almost always happens this way) I was reading another email from you Dave on exactly the same topic supporters must look after themselves and I resolved to do just that- today I am doing another reality check to make sure I am looking after myself – it is so easy to forget my own very pressing health needs because I worry .its a boiut like enabling these habits of enabling and worryingg so much one cant or doesn’t look after oneself are very hard to get rid of: but I remind myself I am no good to my daughter if I am either incapacitated or worse dead.
Anyway DAve thanks for that timely reminder
Regards
Shona
i sent a comment last night and it’s still “awaiting moderation.” There aren’t many comments on last night’s topic, maybe there were more that didn’t get through. I think something is wrong with the system.
To NIGHTLADY: I am one of several moderators, but haven’t been on the Internet for one night. Apparently I am the ONLY one doing moderation these days. I have mentioned the problem to Dave, and he says “it’s under control.” I apologoize that your blog didn’t get posted, but I seem to be the only one doing the posting. I know this is no excuse, but I am human, and can only do so much.
Dear Dave and readers, My name is Lynn, and I’m a ‘real’ alcoholic, and also live w/Bipolar II Depression, One Day At A Time. If I wasn’t sober, I wouldn’t be able to take care of my mental health! I do volunteer work of various kinds, try to keep walking for exercise, attend 12-Step mtgs. regularly, and I’m gonna start journalling again, after the 1st of the yr. I read these emails daily, and share here ‘when the spirit moves me.’ I don’t do Facebook, and I don’t do ‘blogs.’ But I DO write for 2 online A.A. grps., as well. Thanks for letting me share.
Hi guys! Hope everyone is well! I was recently diagnosed with bipolar II and can honestly say that I am not even close to stable, yet. But I am trying. These emails are very helpful for me because they give me a good insight as to what the people in my life go through, simply because they love me. However I’m wondering if there is a way to get some advice for supporters who have no idea how to handle the mood swings and have reactions based on their expectations of a “normal” person. I am trying to get healthy and one of the biggest decisions I have had to make has been to quit drinking.drinking used to be one of my biggest ways of “self medicating” and thus became a trigger for some very agressive episodes. The most recent brunt of this issue was experienced by my boyfriend. It got so bad that he moved out and broke up with me. We are back together now but only because I have made the huge commitment to not drink anymore, along with taking my meds regularly and staying on top of my sleep schedule. Unfortunately, as I said, I am nowhere near stable and sometimes I can be seen to over-react. When I over-react he has been seen to get very angry, he is never violent but he does yell, very carelessly and he can be very hurtful with what he says. I feel like I am then struggling twice as hard because when I am upset, I want to indulge in mechanisms that are very destructive, however I know if I do he will leave me and I wil have taken a tramendous step backward. So I’m fighting not to over-react as well as not to indulge which feels like holding two giant negative magnets and trying to push them together. I wish there were someone to tell him to cut me a little slack or maybe sometimes just give and let me take some time off from constantly stressing myself out.
Dave,
There is a huge difference between being ‘selfish’ and ‘selfcentred’. Being selfish – is putting ones own self before all others, being self-centred means being in-tune with one self to enable you to be of help to others. As supporters we therefore must be self-centred. I myself decided a few months ago to embark on volunteer work in the community.(In the Home-health sector) By focusing on what I needed to make me feel worthwhile and doing something that other’s could feel was worthwhile it forced my husband (who has Bi-Polar) to take more responsibility in managing his illness. By helping others with all sorts of medical and mental disabilities in my community – it also stopped my husbands ‘story’ becoming my story and helped me have some gratitude for our situation when seeing others in a far worse predicament. To cut a long story short – the organisation I had offered my services to, would not take me as a volunteer but instead offered me employment. After many years in the corporate environment this has indeed been the best thing I have ever done – career wise. Not only does it make my husband manage his illness more effectively, but I am being financially compensated – easing pressures he had put on us, and feeling truely appreciated for what I do for others – and as any supporter knows – it is seldom that we are appreciated for what we do for our partners or loved ones with Bi-polar. Through being Self-Centred in my decision to do this work I am far more able to help my husband by the fact I am feeling so fulfilled in what I achieve with others.
To all supporters out there- make some self-centred decisions for your own sake and sanity.
My very best wishes to you all.
Devon Ryburn-Morris
Dave thanks for this information – My sister in law had BP and she scared me with an episode of throwing plates on the wall (she’s always a variety of screaming personalities) especially when her spouse is not around…..this article really summed it up. My brother told me today – unless the next person is 100% ok he won’t marry again…wow!!
While i need the chance of Marriage, being around unhappily married kind of makes me exercise a little caution – perhaps those “be prepared to stop” signs that i’ve been seeing along the road is a sign from God himself??? sort of like learn from what you are seeing so you can make sure it is what you want….hmmmm
KUDOS!!! I WAS HUNGRY AS A LION FOR THIS INFO – I WILL SHARE IT WITH HER
Marie