Hi,
My friend lives in an area of the country where they joke about the weather. They say: “Don’t like the weather? Just stick around for a little while, it’ll change.” They think it’s funny. But to a lot of people, change isn’t funny. In fact, change is really hard for them. Like with bipolar disorder, for example. Think of your loved one before they were diagnosed. They acted a certain way. Then their behavior changed. But it was in a negative way. And that was very hard for you to accept. It’s hard to watch your loved one change right before your eyes in a way that you can’t understand or help them. At least at first. Imagine how they felt. It’s equally hard when change happens to you. Like for your loved one and their bipolar disorder.
Bipolar disorder causes your loved one’s moods to swing and them to have uncontrollable behaviors sometimes. This can be a pretty big change for them, and hard to accept. In both cases, whether talking about your loved one or you yourself, the feeling is the same. It’s a feeling of helplessness. Of not having control over what’s happening to you (or your circumstances) or to someone you care about. And that can be a very negative feeling. Nobody likes to feel helpless.
We all like to feel like we’re in control over what happens to us. That’s why we don’t like it when things change around us kind of without our permission. But if you accept the changes, it will go much better for you and your loved one.
For example: Your loved one may be learning about a concept called mindfulness in their therapy. You can learn about it, too. In mindfulness, you learn to accept things without judging them. That means that you accept them the way they are instead of how you would like them to be. You’re not exactly helpless, but you’re not exactly controlling things, either. You’re just being in a sort of acceptance mode. And in this acceptance mode, you have a lot less stress in your life. Because you’re letting change happen and not trying to control everything, especially things that you just can’t control. You’ll find that if you practice this concept, that you’ll be much less stressed and much happier altogether. And so will your loved one.
There are positive changes that come along with bipolar disorder, too. Like the changes that your loved one has been asked to do in their lifestyle. For example: They’ve most likely been asked to stick to a good sleep schedule, go on a healthy, nutritious diet, and exercise on a regular basis as things they can do to manage their bipolar disorder. So change isn’t always a bad thing.
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
Hi Dave.
I really dont know what i would have done without you around for support and understanding,you never fail to care and you know only too well what its like being a supporter,i am a supporter and never know when the next episode is coming.
You take good care and thank You.
Love Josephine x
Good Morning all,
I was speaking to a friend that i’m smitten over about this topic as she works with mental cases so I asked her how does one get a point of frustration over without making the person feel “helpless” as a lost puppy or a small child.
Her response was this: I felt a need to speak harshly to someone but then I remembered what I had been doing for 7 years (working with people with this disorder) so I got a reminder from an boyfriend who said “check yourself” before you check anyone else. So I knew what that meant, I had to pull out my driver’s license, look over my age and then once I did that I looked at the person I was about to respond to (ususally closer to my age or older) so it doesn’t make sense to “talk to them as a child” does it (that would be an example of making them feel “helpless”.
The gentlemen I wanted to get involved with told me he had an incident with a parent of his and it ended up so badly they had stopped vacationing for 3 years together, then he noticed his mother’s attitude adjustment and then they started vacationing once again. He changed what he was doing – allowing himself to be abused and then good change came!
I try to be mindful of that because I’m not trying to trigger my a boyfriend or make him feel insecure in any way, shape or form so whenever he accuses me of not clearing up my phone messages or giving him a response timely, I look at my driver’s license realize my age, take him age into consideration and then I respond. I dissect each sentence he phrases one by one and Hoe that this brings about the solution of peace that we’ve once shared many years ago!
I hope that by many reading this, they will be helped.
It got back to her that I was quite remorseful because of something I did 22 years ago so I’m very careful now about attempting to change/alter a person in a way they don’t want to be altered.
Hi Dave, tried to click on free bi-polar kit, and wouldn’t let me click!!! Can you help?
Also, I’ve been told by a couple psychiatrists that sometimes a person can have one episode (or a cluster of episodes), and after that, be episode free. What are your thoughts on that, please let me know. Thanks in advance, Andrea
Good Morning David,
Since I was last on your blog I have moved myself my daughter who has Bipolar and her two children to Wellington.
Apart from a month where my daughter Rachel was very fragile and in need of respite care away from the home to settle down again not long after we relocated to Wellington Rachel has been great .
I must note that Rachel and I had talked about the probability of her becoming fragile because of the stress of the move so we had made contingency plans re contacting her mental health team Auckland and directing the transfer of her mental and medical details to Wellington before we relocated – set up a meeting with her mental health team when we arrived , informed them 1 week after our arrival that Rachel was experiencing real difficulties and pushing to have Rachel accepted as an acute case into respite.
But today I awoke a whole new ball game.
Rachel has not slept for 24 hours
This morning she informed me cheerily that she had not slept last night – and how did I respond- I pushed the panic button – such a dumb idea!!!
I yelled at her about that being a dumb thing today and if she wasn’t careful I would ring up her mental health team pronto!!!!!!!
And of course she jumped down my throat – she not only hypo active at this point but a tad irritable!!!
Realising there would be no way out of this dead end I had started in my panic – I left her at home without further argument….BUT…..
Then I felt so guilty then I began to get really really anxious at work –
and THEN
I remembered why I had persuaded Rachel to move to wellington……..MORE FAMILY SUPPORTERS.
So I put PLAN SUPPORT into place I rang her brother- he told me to settle down – that I wasn’t a bad person,that number 1 importance…I needed to look to my own health situation first(very high anxiety state)and my job was to settle that down swiftly.
He would talk to his sister – they have a closer relationship and she does listen to him.
My son rang me back a while later having contacted Rachel and elicited a plan of action from her. She was going to have a quiet day at home and have a sleep and that if things had not improved by tonight then it would be Plan C the involvement of her Mental Health Care Team.
I know its absolutely not Rachel’s fault at all and its not mine either, the episodes come… just like that… It is the nature of the Beast called Bipolar . My son said the same thing to me not 5 minutes ago.
Thank you for your blog – every time I read your blog its incredible you talk about similar events – and you give so many great coping tools ,
thanks David to you and your team.
regards
Shona