Hi,
Hope you’re having a good day.
I got an email that said:
“David-
I am sick and tired of you people saying bipolar disorder is so easy to manage. You don’t understand. We try to manage it and you mock us. We can’t get jobs. We can’t handle money. We can’t help ourselves. The government doesn’t help. No one cares. You people don’tunderstand.”
—————————————————
Now, I ask you, is this a loser attitude, or is this just a sad story?
Either way, I want to respond to it, line by line, because I feel like I have a responsibility to (and I need to defend myself and the people who work for me).
She says she is sick and tired of “you people” saying bipolar disorder is so easy to manage.
When have I EVER said that? I talk about how HARD it is to manage, as far as I know. That’s why I write all these emails! I try so hard to teach supporters how to help their loved ones how to manage their bipolar disorder.
In my courses/systems I try very hard to teach people how to manage their bipolar disorder, and these materials are HUNDREDS of pages long!
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
I have even more courses and materials than these, even, to try to help people with bipolar disorder and their supporters to manage their bipolar disorder. I KNOW how hard it is to manage the disorder, because I’m a supporter myself and I watched my mother go through it (still go through it).
Then she says I don’t understand. Oh, how well I do understand. I get hundreds and hundreds of responses to these emails. And I have over 5,000 testimonials about my courses and materials about bipolar disorder. If I didn’t understand, why would
all these people thank me for understanding?
What about her line about, “We try to manage it and you mock us.”? Where is THAT coming from? Have you EVER heard me say anything that is mocking?
Sometimes I might say something in my emails that is humorous, but as one of my people who works for me that has bipolar disorder says, “Sometimes if you don’t laugh about it, you’ll cry.”
But mocking? No. I think bipolar disorder is a VERY serious disorder. I talk about that all the time.
“We can’t get jobs,” she says. Then what about all the people who work for me? They got jobs. And what about all the people who bought my material on getting jobs even though you have bipolar disorder? That one is a BIG seller! Those people have gotten jobs, too.
Just because you have bipolar disorder doesn’t mean you can’t work. Many people who have the disorder have even started their own home businesses. Another one of my materials is about just that – starting your own home business, and that is another one that a lot of people buy, and they do very well. They don’t let their bipolar disorder stop them.
“We can’t handle money.” Well, that may be true. Many people with bipolar disorder can’t handle money. But they have supporters who can. In my courses/materials I do go into that as well. And I have talked about it in my emails, too. So there is a solution for that.
Yes, one of the symptoms of bipolar disorder is excessive spending. But bipolar medication does help with that, too. So maybe this woman is just off her medication?
“We can’t help ourselves.” Well, I’m sorry, but I strongly disagree. I have just known too many people with bipolar disorder who HAVE been able to help themselves.
“The government doesn’t help.” I’ve tried and tried to tell people that you can’t live on disability alone. You have to supplement your income somehow. But I also know a woman on SSDI who says she is not too proud to take charity or go to food banks to feed her kids. She says she does whatever she has to.
“No one cares. You people don’t understand.” I guess I would leave that for you to answer. Do you agree with her? Do you think I don’t care? Do you think I don’t understand?
Because by now I am frustrated with this woman and her email.
Because I have so many people who work for me who have bipolar disorder, and they are some of the most creative, ard-working, problem-solvers, and productive, stable people I have ever known. They are not like this woman at all.
I told one of the people who works for me about this email, because at first I felt sorry for this woman. I thought her story was so sad.
This is what my employee told me:
“When I was first diagnosed, I felt sorry for myself,and I told my girlfriend my problems. She told me, “You’re not on a pity-pot, you’re in a pity-bathtub!”
In other words, she didn’t get any sympathy from her girlfriend. She was practically told that she had a loser attitude, not that she had a sad story. So that’s what I’m asking you. I’m done defending myself. Do you think this woman has a loser attitude
or a sad story?
What do you think?
FIND OUT WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT ME
Visit: http://www.bipolarcentral.com/testimonials
David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post responses below
It’s curious to see you get in a bipolar conversation with a bipolar sufferer. It sounds like me defending myself to my bp daughter. It’s practically useless. But we keep on supporting the best we can. We know you’re trying to help, David, so don’t let it get you down.
Hi,
I am bipolar as well as suffering from petit-mal epilepsy. My family still see me as “confused” or “moody” not one of them taking the time to understand things. I understand the woman’s frustration and anger, because although you have had the misfortune to live with somebody suffering with the disorder, you have not been diagnosed with Bipolar. David, I work a 9-5 job, and sometimes especially lately, I don’t want to come in to work, because although they know what is wrong with me, I have no sympathy here. I often want to drive off a bridge or into a wall and kill myself. I am exhausted – literally finished – of taking my heaps of meds in the morning and evening, forever feeling ill, so tired that I fall asleep before my 5 year old daughter, feeling like there is nobody out there that feels my “pain”. And it is pain, it is hurtful when people look at you like “oh, she is having one of her crazy attacks, mood swings or something must have set her off again”. Its absolutely smothering my soul. I have a good sense of humour, but a big mouth too, I no longer have a bank account either! I am 28 years old and I have nothing in my name. Then I wonder if my husband who is 40 would be better off with a stable, less expensive woman who is not like a spoilt child. Then I become even more paranoid. I hear where the lady is coming from, and although she may sound as if she has a “loser attitude” it sounds to me like she is ready to give up…
Dear Dave,
I’ve been diagnosed recently with Bipolar but obviously had suffered for some time before. I have got to the point where I look forward to your mails every day, sometimes three or four times a day, all filled with usefull information and tips. I think the lady that mailed you that note was having a bad day. The way I see it I think that in time one learns to control ourselves during our episodes, by no means is it overnight. There definately is a build up towards an episode or bad day then a recovery period, this I learnt by reading your mails. Thank you for taking the time, and research effort to make the information available to us. I am keen on seeing what you come up with regarding having children. Im a single mom with a 5 year old son, he natually gets the short end of any episode or day but the first one there to tell me how much he loves me.
Thanks again.
Dear David,
Dont allow this negative outpouring to get to you. Be decerning. Clearly this person is in a very bad place. I hope they dont give up on life altogether.!!
Take constructive critisism seriously, but a negative rant is not meant for your betterment, just to pull you down.
Keep on keeping on, focus Your eyes on Jesus. 🙂
It looks to me like she doesn’t have anyone who supports her. My wife has bipolar disorder and, through many years of talking to psychiatrists and psychologists along with taking her meds is now handling the family budget! I still sit down with her at the end of each week to go over our finances, but she is doing a great job now. Don’t get me wrong, there were many times she would go out and overspend but I always went back to the stores with her to return the items she purchased. It’s all about LEARNING how to cope with this hideous disease. THAT is the goal at the end of this long hard journey called bipolar. Whether you have someone who supports you or not, you still have to LEARN about your disorder to create coping skills. I hope this person finds someone who is infinitely patient, loving, caring and understanding. I’m sure her doctor or Pastor/Priest can point her in the right direction if she doen’t have anyone. Keep up the good work David, you are making a difference for the better in many peoples lives.
She has a loser attitude and she is a sad story herself. David, you can’t help people that don’t want to help themselves. As hard as you try, you can’t accomplish it. She sounds like she doesn’t want to help herself. She may be off of her meds, and that’s scary. It amazes me that people know they have this disorder and think they can go off their meds and still feel good. It doesn’t take alot of brain to know this. I know people myself that think they can pull it off and I just shake my head. Anyway, I appreciate your daily e-mails and they in no way give me the impression that you think or say the things she says, so it’s not you, I promise!
I have read emails from you where several people have sent disparaging emails to you. To seem to take them too personally. This is from some one who can take things VERY personally. We all have our bad days and we all have our good days – if we have Bipolar or not! Emotions let you FEEL life.
I do constantly tell my mom, one of my best supporters, that she doesn’t understand the deep depressions. With the exception of when my father and grandmother (her mother) passed, she is always very happy and cheerful. She is a very possitive person and tries to help me be possitive. And if you don’t have Bipolar you can’t understand what it is like to have the mood swings. You can sympathize, but NOT empathize. Sure, you witness the mood swings and you help us through them but I honestly believe that you can’t fully understand the depression until you experience it yourself. I would NEVER want my mom to experience that. So she will be the shoulder I cry on and my best cheer leader, but she is that way with my siblings, too.
She obviously is living a sad story and currently has a loser attitude because of it. Many times the voice of BP or other MI is too loud to clearly hear anything else.
I have felt the same way in a down cycle MANY times! Just like you say many times in your material. Don’t take it personal. It’s the illness talking.
I hope she does have someone to support her and get her through this obviously difficult period. Then she will again be able to really hear what you and others are saying.
I tend to disagree with you sometimes but I REALLY APPRECIATE ALL YOU HAVE DONE not only for your mother but many others as well.
I always want to thank the many people who comment here to encourage others.
THANKS!
Kay
david this lady i think has a loser attitude but also i think all of us who do have this disorder has felt this way before maybe she does not have anyone to stand by her through this do not let this bother u you are doing a great job
I was diagnosed bipolar about 7 years but have been, to all intents and purposes, bipolar all my life. And I felt, for most of my life, that no one understood me and was amazed when when anyone did. And then got to a point where I was satisfied with who I was and truly did not care if anyone understood or not. It was a take me as I am or leave me kind of attitude.
I am married now and the person I am living with tends to see all of my emotions through a bipolar veil. So, with him, no, I really don’t thinke he *sees* me or really understands what it’s like for me to be bipolar. My daughter makes more of effort to try and I am sending her your emails to broaden her understanding. I just thinke their lack of understanding comes only because I am the only person they know who is bipolar. And they are not sure what to do with me. For me too……….I am my first person I know to have bipolar disorder so I am learning too. And your articles mean a great deal to me. I am learning too.
So while I, in part, sympathize with that woman, I thinke she is not wtilling to learn all the parameters of being bipolar and just maybe she is not being given enough attention. Which sounds to me like what she is looking for…………more attention. And that is not a goode thing. It’s not healthy for her. The more she thinkes that way, the great the holde bipolar will have on her. And she will certainly never be happy.
You’re doing fine, David. Keep up the goode work.
Ammi
i am bibolar and i don’t believe that this woman is on her meds. If i don’t take my meds i end up just like she is. I have been at the same job for almost two years now and i love it as long as i am taking my meds. My boss told me the other day that as long as i stay on my meds i will always have a job. So i believe that if you really want to bibolar or not you can make things work out. I am also on disability and without my job i couldn’t make it. I have also had to go to charities at times to get help to pay a bill of feed my daughter but usually that is when i am off my meds and have spent way to much money on junk. sorry for rambling just wanted everyone to know that anything is possible
I think that woman has a little of both – a loser attitude and a sad story. From her comments I hear that she feels alone and frustrated, and therefore I think its safe to surmise that she has a lack of effective supporters. Either they just don’t exist in her life, or the people in her life are unsupportive (either intentionally or unintentionally). With effective supporters, I think the pity-bathtub would begin to drain. As David has said, its important for supporters to have a thorough understanding of the disorder in order to be effective supporters to our loved one. I don’t get the impression this woman has these types of people in her life.
wanted to also thank you for everything that you do for us to keep us informed. Your the best
David I really think that this person has a very loser attitude and is looking for sympathy from the whole world.Get over it, deal with the disorder and get on with life.Life in itself is to short and to just vent at you for trying to help people understand this disorder is wrong.She eally needs to look at what is happening to herself and why she is saying things that are totally wrong.Don’t vent at David who is telling the truth but try to use some of his advise to help your own situation also get some people into your life who is positive andcan pass on positive infiluences to you.
Although I am no longer with the love of my life, a lady who suffers from bi-polar disorder, I continue to recieve and enjoy your dailey emails. I believe with this one you really hit the nail on the head. A loser attitude is very destructive to everyone and certainly destructive for a sufferer of this disorder. It seems that by the luck of the draw that the people who suffer from this horrible condition are going into the game with 2 strikes against them already, and I believe that a self pitying attitude adds strike three before they ever get a chance at the plate. The people who suffer from this disorder didn’t ask to have it anymore than someone would ask to be born without a limb, and it can be a very big handicap as far as employment and every other aspect of life. But a positive atitude and a very structured treatment plan like you promote can make such a difference in the quality of life for every person, and certainly for a person with bipolar. Thank you so much for your dailey words of wisdom and your helping us non-suffers a level of understanding that would be very very hard to get anywhere else.
I believe this poor woman is truly telling a “sad story.” In the beginning of my being diagnosed as manic depressive (now bipolar), I, too, felt sorry for myself. I had NOTHING going for me, and I had a tendency to complain about my condition. But, over the years, I learned that being on the “pity pot” didn’t help me OR my supporters. Now that I have NO supporter, it’s a boon to have a therapist who is PAID to listen to my “sad stories.”
Yes, she IS feeling sorry for herself – but who, having bipolar – hasn’t gone through the same thing. I feel FOR her, as well as WITH her, having been there. I don’t think she’s off her meds, just in a “down” period. If she is truly bipolar, this, too, shall pass, and she will be more optimistic in the future. As bipolar is cyclic – sometimes “high,” sometimes “low,” – it’s almost guaranteed she will come out of her depression.
We all look to our supporters for “support;” when it’s not forthcoming, we “feel sorry for ourselves” and need somewhere to vent. And THAT, dear Dave, is where this blog comes in. Thank you for YOUR support of all of us wih this disorder. Sometimes, we just need to get something “off our chests,” and this is the perfect venue for that.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good.
Okay, I think that woman has the same type of attitude that my son does. In fact if he had a computer i would think that he may have written her post. Having said that, I need someone out there to tell me if you can hold down a job and have a side income without loosing your social security disability. My son told me that he can earn 200.00 on a side job without losing his disability, but that isn’t enough to pay today’s high rent/gas/utilities and still have money for food. Would someone out there that knows please tell me the facts? As you are aware, i sometimes cannot believe everything he tells me.
I appreciate the good you do, David, and will continue to read your material.
Thank you (in advance) for any help any-one can give me.
Mom Ruth
After reflecting over my life, with my children, husband, etc. my daughter thinks I am bipolar. I remember different events in my life that triggered depression where I could bearly funtion, but I got out of bed and worked hard at all tasks at hand….anyway, what you have done as far as research and reporting, is incredible! I am actually very surprised to see people dissing your! I catch myself bashing people who don’t seem to understand my woes, yet the ones who are letting themselves go down are the ones who need to work that much harder to pick themselves back up. Take responsibility! It is much easier to sit on the couch and cry, than to dry your tears and convince yourself that getting up and going to exercise class is going to improve your mood. It’s easier to say, “You don’t understand!” than to take responsibility for one’s own actions.
Hello David,
One thing I have learned is that we all learn at different levels. I am sure that if you were to email some of the people that have sent you emails like this in the past would have a different reply now. Given time. I must say as a woman with this disorder, I can say I might not agree with everything you say, but I have noticed in time I see that there are people who do agree with what I don’t. I guess it is all in where you are in your disorder. I will give you an example. I did not agree that people with this disorder have a problem with spending. I have been a single mother since 1999 , and I have always made sure my bills were paid and my 2 children looked after. On the other hand since reading this I have taken notice of this, and I have noticed that in the past few months I do have a problem with spending. I don’t pay my bills like I had before and I go shopping when I shouldn’t. I would have said in the past that you were very wrong, but as time went on and I looked at this issue, I must agree that this is a big problem for me. I guess in everything that you write, we must take a look and not disagree to harshly, but take the tme ( sometime it is months or years) and look at the things that you say and apply them to our lives. I want to say that your information is helpful to many people, but there are a few that will not take the time to look and try to apply it to their lives. In that case you will always have those that don’t agree with everything. I also do agree that not everyone is able to get things back on track just by taking medication. I am one of those. It is very hard to keep everything in order when you are dealing with this disorder. Like most I am sure. I have days that it gets to be to much to deal with, I hope that is all that has happened with this reader. I just pray that some day I can deal with it better and be able to live that I don’t feel like it is running me, but that I am in control of it. I have only been dealing with this for 3 years now, and I must say only the past few months since starting to read you material have I finally been able to get a little control of this disorder.
I must say Thank you for the time you and your staff take to send the emails. God bless you all.
I think this Woman has a vicitm mentality. It seems that some people would rather become a victim than take responsibilty for thier own actions. And this would not be something that is only found in people with bi polar. There are plenty of people with bipolar disorder who are responible adults and manage thier illness well. Especailly with the tools you offer to help.
Sure, it sounds like a looser attitude, but yes, it is an incredibly sad story. I have felt like her in the past, & I don’t even have Bipolar Disorder. I bought your binder books & still don’t know how to get my son to the Dr. & on meds. He went once for me, & says he wants the right (which he has) to do what he wants with his life. He doesn’t like going through the trial of different meds to find one that works. He says none have ever worked & they make him feel unclear or groggy. I hate him not being able to have a better quality of life. I feel like all that is left is to pray for him which I do. Thank God, he has kept his job & is supporting himself. She needs compassion. Hope deferred makes the heart sick & she is in a hopeless state of mind. She needs prayer & very personal counseling. I am praying for her.
By the way, my son hasn’t been diasgnosed with Bipolar. He may be schizophrenic. What is the difference? I don’t know.
Hi Dave,
Ya, I also think that the lady is not under medication. I’m a member of bipolar too, and as long as I’m under medication, my mood is stable and won’t swing crazily up and down. Painful experience to let your mood swing in this way, and you’ll be so afraid that you might breakdwon at any moment.
Honestly, David….I think you use this to vint a little too much….it’s not just supporters you are sending this to but bipolar ppl themselves and we bipolar ppl get under stress and hearing you vint to us…rather than to someone you actually know, can help stress us out more….maybe that sounds a little crazy but it’s not when you look at it from our perspective. Not trying to be rude…just want to let you know…I do love the help that you give though….thanx.
Hi David,
I think this poor lady has both attitudes: a looser and sad ones.
I also belive that your answer is ok, but it shows that you are upset/hurt… Too bad. If you are sure about what you are doing, just take it easy. Why do you need to show us that you are right if you really think you are right? It does not make any sense.
Don´t take things in a personal way, specially if you know that there are people very mentally ill medicated and very mentally ill not medicated. That´s the world where you move working con bipolar issues. It does not look very professional, believe me, to answer on a personal point of view the way you did. Think about the person who wrote that mail reading you and us… Do you believe that this hard way to write from you and us will help her? I don´t think so. To me it looks to much unecessarly violent. Word are able to distroy as well. Words are powerfull. They can bless or kill.
On the other hand, please, tell me something, how many people works for you?
I am interested in the subject about ” starting your own home busines”. I am bipolar too, I am just traying to do that but don´t have a clue about if it will work or not… I have to try ro know. I just thought it´s the best for me. I am a Computer Engineer (5 years of University – Computer Sciences – and 17 working as a Consultant in the most important transnational companies in my field). Nowadays, I have no money as I took care from my Mother that is 79 years old years for 7 years because of 2 knees replacement, 3 cancers and an endogene depression flyng from Mexico to Houston to the MD Anderson Cancer Center and to Madrid continually and could not really work. Just partially as a Computer and French teacher.
I have a sister older than me thas seems to be borderline. I am ok. Three weeks ago she tried to attack me with a really big kitchen knife and a wood mallet for 3 times during 5 minutes. Thanks God someone that was there avoid her to hurt me. She leaves with my Mother too since she divorced. I had to move to another flat following the recommendations from my Doctor (Psychriatist) and my desire. This has been a very hard situation. I am just at the moment where I try to turn the page.
So I am starting my life again now that my Mother looks like starting beeing ok, she still taking her medecines for her endogene depression. May you recommend some web pages to me for the “starting your own home busines”?
I am sorry about my english full of mistakes. My parents are from Spain and I born and leave in México. French is my first language. But guess what? I wont stop trying to improve my English!
Our bipolarity it´s not and easy thing, but nothing can kill you more than a bad attitude even if you are not bipolar. Attitude may work against your progress in any thing. The same happens when you feel sorry about yourself forever. It´s human to feel like this for some days sometimes, but if you install yourself in self pity and don´t move, you are lost. Bipolars very often believes all the stigmas and things written or said about them. We need to explore our own personal limits. This is not a receipe that we can adjust to oursellf step by step. We need to find what it´s better to us by ourselves. This means we have to work over and over it for the rest of our lifes. Ant that is the only real thing that makes a difference.
Please, if it´s possible to you, answer to me to my e-mail otherwise I may miss your answer and I am very interested about it.
Regards to all and thanks for your work and care Dave,
Maria
This woman has the “loser” attitude, and bad. Probably off medication or not being treated at all. I have said most of those things myself when feeling sorry for myself and things are going tough if my treatment is not right. I’ll tell her like my Mother always told me. Go ahead, cry and get it over with. And when you are done feeling sorry for yourself, Wipe your face, pull up the bootstraps and do what needs to be done!
Everyone has bad days. But with treatment we can all get thru them just fine.
You may know this but you may not also realize that there are more than one level of the condition, and from what it sounds like you have those who are of the level of the ‘working able’ even though there may be problems there, they are at least somewhat more managable than for those who really can’t handle a job. I tend to believe what she has written you. That is the status of my sister, she can’t handle a job, at least a 40 hr. a week, when she did try at a much younger age, it was in a factory where she had to help with production of telephones. It was hard for her, and I don’t know if it was even close to 40 hours a week or not. It was done by others with her, who were considered mentally handicapped. She was handicapped, not the same way as they were. So she didn’t fit in that well with them. She left as the pressure to work under a given speed was not easy for her to keep up with. It was interesting but more than she could really manage for very long. It’s not fun but she can’t work with her energy being drained by the dialasys three days aweek. She spends her days, reading, writing, watching tv, and talking on the phone when she can do so. Otherwise she will sleep when she can do so. She is on a medicine routine that she has to keep to, has visitors from the hospital who keep her company on a regular basis, and now has someone to help her with her personal care. But that is on a bi-weekly basis. So she perhaps could do a little at the home but not very much is done. She can’t handle money, in the sense of bookeeping, but she does have a heart and wants to give to the chairities at the home front, only, she would give to others, but then doesn’t have a checking account to manage and wouldn’t know how to do that. So there are challanges she doesn’t attempt to manage knowing it would not be wise to do so. It’s not an easy way to be for her, but that is her lot, it is a sad story, and it is true. So that woman who wrote you may be a bit beyond what my sister is regarding being able to use a computer and things of that nature for emails. My sister is aware of such, but doesn’t know how to use one. There are days when I would like for her to do so, but then I could see her getting into all sorts of trouble with it, not knowing she was doing so. At least on some things. But that is her case. Please know I realize that there are those with Bi-polar who are abel to function normally so long as they stay on their meds. but if they get off of them then there is certain trouble sooner or later. The meds my sister takes, help her to be just able to function as she does, and not beyond what she does. Which is not as much as one would want for her to do.
This is a very sad story. And sounds as if she is living in an episode. Too many bad things, one after the other, have probably contributed to her pain and suffering.
When you are living in an episode you can’t see a way out and without meds (which may not be working) and without support or someone to talk to she is living in a dangerous state. She obviously needs to see a doctor and be in, at the very least, some type of group therapy- A safe place where one can speak their feelings without judgement and encouraged to find the little things that will lift her out of the down spiraling nightmare that her episode has left her in. I have been in her state many times and I’m one of those that find it almost impossible to reach out to anyone even my faith in God is tested because I’m in such a state that I feel that I’m not even worthy of his help. Being around people and usually helping others will eventually stop the viscious hole that one has (usually through no fault of their own) found themselves in. I for one find myself reclusive and not able to walk out the front door- but I’m helpless to overcome it. One needs some kind of break, some encouraging words, the right meds, and with small steps start taking charge once again. To find some goal or have some hope for the future. When you are in an episode it sometimes paralizes your ability to find hope and take those baby steps that are necessary to get out of this state.
We should all have compassion and not judge her, just give her some support. There is all kinds of support, we just have to find it, or find the right person willing to help us find it. Having non-judgemental supporters and friends is something we all need because no matter how so very right we do things to maintain a normal life, the episodes will come. Having said that, the little things that we do to maintain a normal life will help make our episodes shorter and less severe.
Have compassion, do not be judgemental and help our fellowman as best we can. That is our purpose!
I believe that this woman is in the middle of a manic episode. This is my husband’s attitude about everything, especially me, when he is an episode. She needs help.
Hello David,
I think this woman is in a very low point in her life. She needs good supporters, doctors, family, and friends to stand beside her right now. I think all of us BP people have been there a few times ourselves. She can find a job… it will be tough but it can be accompolished. She needs guidance with her spending habits, and encouragment with her successes.
All of this I have learned from you and your emails. Please don’t let what other people write (casey) ruin all of the good you do for the rest of us. I do not feel you are venting at any time you are speaking the truth whether it is to BP people like myself or to our supporters. You truly do a great job and I look forward to getting your emails and forwarding them to family members who don’t understand what this disease is or how to help with it. Without you I am not sure I would be here today… I have taken sooo much of your advice and incorporated into my life that I feel you truly are a life saver!!! (not the candy kind either) LOL Thanks again for all you do for all of us!!! Barbara
Dave, I think most of your e-mails are very helpful & informative, but this one (and a few others recently) are not. You are taking these e-mails from sick people too personally. I am a bi-polar supporter and it’s striking that you don’t take your own advice to us and not take things people say personally.
Please take the advice of some of the others that have posted (Casey, Turtle) and use your time writing on something more constructive & helpful, after all, that is your true purpose, right? It’s seems you are letting these comments from ill people get to you, especially lately. It’s a waste of yours & ours time. Practice what you preach and just push delete!
And, of course she has a loser attitude and is sad, she’s sick. Keep up the good work and thank you for all you do!
I’m thinking the woman who wrote that email to you has no Real-time support, where she is. I imagine she may be treated as an invalid, or whoever she is close to her doesn’t have the knowledge to help bolster her attitude and moral or she is just kind of ignored , as someone who cannot manage life, so why try?
Just one person’s opinion here.
Kathryn 🙂
P.S
Maybe she is taking the wrong medication for her. Maybe she’s sedated too much?
Kath..again :0
I am still confused about this kind of sickness. Lately, I have suffered on of teh effects of my fiancé´s bipolar mistakes and lies that involve money and I am now in debts. I thought he was just cruel with me and a bad guy, since it’s the first time I’ve ever met someone with bipolar. I really got angry and I supposed it didn’t help at all. But I am still in the process of learning what really is the deal with bipolar. Anyway, he’s only a fiancé. Now, the question is, how will I know if his love for me is real and not just a product of one of his bipolar attitudes? Regading your question, Dave, I think, the woman has a sad story which is a fact as having a loser or a winner attitude can be learned and practised even by a bipolar himself.
If this would have been a non bipolar person’s attack, everyone would be saying she must have some real problems in her life to feel this way. The ordinary person has a bad day every once in awhile. Can you imagine having a bad day every day of your life. Even on med’s the person with bipolar just doesn’t feel right. That’s alot to handle. I thank God every day for skipping me on this disease. You do good things for good people Dave. Why get so upset.
I should clarify. If it was an attack from someone who is down and depressed for the moment, it would be different.
I don’t know about anyone else, but even on meds right now I still have trouble managing my moods. Just this morning I went from wanting to kill my husband and feeling hatred to crying to loving him unconditionally all within 2 hrs. As for a job I take care of a lady part time a wk and it sends me into episodes as soon as I get home. So my experience with work is yeah I can do it but I can’t function and be happy in the work world and the home/family world too. Work sends me into one. I believe not all bipolar people have a spending problem. I manage the money and bills and there always paid and we’re not in debt, we just don’t save any. I also agree the goverment is definitly not much help and could care less. You can help yourself, butt you have to want to and not take the wrong path,which is self destruction. I have a BP friend who took that path and lost her kids and everything. It is frustrating people not understanding because even if your around someone with BP I still believe you will never understand the full aspect of what a BP person feels and deals with because its probably 100 times worse than what you think. I think this woman is probably at a very low point and in desperate need of some help. I think you all should cut her some slack because she may have no one and may feel alone and like no one understands, which I still feel that way alot. Dave should just chill out and respond back to her in a positive helpful way, isn’t that the point of this websit to help people not get mad at them and critisize what their feeling?
Hi David,
I feel this woman may be at a low point, which we’ve all been at, and I don’t see it as looking for sympathy but support. She sounds like she has no support network. I think it would be nice to at least send her some support information in her area. She can take it or leave it.
I have a question, it’s something that’s been on my mind since receiving your emails. Now don’t get me wrong the emails are wonderful information but there are a number of websites with free information on bipolar disorder, tips on surviving with it, etc. If you are doing this for the sake of everyone with this disorder then why are you doing it for a price?
It’s just something I wonder about.
Well – can we ever REALLY understand? I think I do and then my husband says: “YOU just don’t get it!!!!” He cannot often even find the letter ‘D’ on the keyboard right in front of him. So – today when he said he could not find the blue cheese salad dressing in the door where it always is and I reached into the fridge and showed it to him – he reacted by telling me where to shove it. He then drove away in a huff. Hmmm…not a loving thing to hear from a guy who says he is so grateful and in love with me after all these trying years.
I am so sad right now. It is our 16th anniversary. We had hoped to celebrate. My husband who has bipolar is typically – or was typically – a loving man. But when he felt ‘it’ coming on he would hide in TV to self sooth. He always just told me he felt dizzy or sick. Now he admits he has mental illness and gets angry if I talk to him as if he is ‘ok’. He wants me to know now that he is not ok. Since taking meds he is getting worse. He seems to always have headaches so bad that he cannot function or he starts to get tremors! It is financially ruinous because he cannot focus!
I recently read about a small electronic insert into a nerve ( I think it was the vagus nerve) going to the brain that helps people with epilepsy stay tremor free. It seems to work for moods in emotional issues too. Anyone know where to find more information? The meds seem to all fail after years of trying this and that faithfully until they prove to be a health risk or ineffective.
WELL SAID, BETH!
The woman isn’t a loser, and she’s not to be pitied either! (Sad story, indeed! How condescending is that?!) She needs UNDERSTANDING. That’s as in “empathy”, folks! She doesn’t need ridicule/attacking. She doesn’t need our pity. Just understanding.
Understanding … isn’t that what we all want, not least David? He wants us to understand he’s a “good guy”, and David, you sure ask for it a lot. No offence meant, but you DO keep appealing for moral support every time you get a bad email or letter. I’m okay with that. It’s not “sad” that you do that. It doesn’t mean you are a loser for wanting to be understood by the thousands of people who read your emails, does it. You just want to be understood. So does she! She especially wanted to be understood and by you, Dave, or else she’d not have written to you, just as you have written about this to us – because you feel a need to be understood. The only big difference between you is that she’s sick and you are not. Well, that and the fact she’s a “she” and you ain’t!
She wanted for you to understand her pain and frustration, to understand how she *feels*, not what she said. What is said is just her way to try to give voice to her feelings, but you have deconstructed it, line by line, as if the semantic meaning of what she wrote was the essence of what she intended to communicate. It isn’t. She feels pain and hopelessness, which those of us with BP know too well – it’s hit us in the past and may well do again because BP is like that. We want people to understand how it feels because we want them to understand us. We want them to understand us because when they MIS-understand us it makes our living even more difficult than it is already. But that pain is near impossible to describe. It’s like trying to describe God! It’s beyond words. So, you have to articulate that pain creatively, a bit like a Zen koan, which says what is NOT said. You have to find a form of words that reflects feelings that cannot be described. If I screamed at you at the top of my voice “You Son of a b##ch!!!” and waved my arms around aggressively, you would deconstruct what I just did and conclude I was verbally attacking you. I might be doing that but there us another explanation, and one that you Supporters ought to realise I is probably more common among your loved ones than you realise: what I might be doing is trying to get you to understand how I feel when I feel I am under attack by the BP AND by the Supporter doing all the wrong things to help. By screaming obscenities at you, you would get some measure of the pain we with BP may be feeling. It won’t be the same because I think only people with BP will understand what it feels like to have varying moods of the kind we get, but it would be an approximation.
But let’s now reflect on the implications of this latest email. Considered for a moment that the lady may still read these emails. Oh dear! So, what “understanding” can we expect that lady to feel if she reads this latest post from you? It’s an attack on her. It’s asking us strangers to decide if she is “sad” or “a loser”! That’s a bit Catch 22, isn’t it? And some of us readers HAVE decided, and said so – she’s a loser or she’s sad. I ask you all, what do you imagine THAT will have done to her self-esteem, and the stability of her moods? If she wasn’t in a major depression before I bet she is now, now if she’s read these posts! IMO, I think it is most unkind to reveal this woman’s current weakness to all and sundry, and also to invite a critique of her from us all, as well. If she has read the post, it will have done her much harm and little or no good at all. And “we” have shamefully played a part in doing this.
But what about the rest of us, esp those with BP? What was that you said about keeping away from negative people, Dave? Is it not the case that sticking these negative emails sent to you in front of us transfers a negative influence on us? Would it not be kinder to her, and to those of us who may be unstable in our moods, to keep these negative notes to yourself, David?
I too suffer from bi polar and it isn’t easy. I think this woman is in a pitty swimming pool and what she needs to do is reach out and try (I know this isn’t easy because I too have been here) to pull herself up to the first rung on the laddar before she is sucked down the drain. Maybe she can’t work full time but has she tried to get something part time? Maybe a couple of days a week or a few hours a day. I have found that working p.t. has done me a world of good and I look forward to going to work. It makes me feel like I have a purpose in life. There are also support groups out there that can guide her in the right direction. How about talking to a counsoler as well. The old saying two heads are better than one can be of help to her. My counsler told me for ages to try and find some p.t. job or vol. some place just to give me something to do that is meaningful. I bucked her and yesed her to death for quite a while but since I have gotten a p.t. job I have been much better and the everyday fight is easier because of it.
Diane
Have you any idea of how your husband would have felt when you showed him find the blue cheese salad dressing? Humiliated. Crushed because it was yet another example of how this damned illness can affect us. (Of course, anyone can have a “blind spot” whether they are BP or not, but it;s not uncommon in my experience to find people with BP *think* their powers of observation are impaired. And they will be when they are depressed AND when they are Hypo.
So, he will be defensive because he doesn’t want to be reminded of this “fact”, and your finding the “missing” salad dressing will have rubbed salt into an already open wound. So, consider – what would you do if your husband highlighted to you YOUR weaknesses? Say, “Thanks for showing me what an idiot I am!” I’ll bet not. I’ll wager it would be more like, “Go away!” except your choice of language might be rather more fruity!
Hello Dave
I’ve only recently been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and,at the minuite,I’m both confused and relieved?
I’ve spent a long time trying to figure out what was wrong with me and who I could turn too,nobody seemed to listen to what I was telling them,I was constantly getting told I was fine and that I should ‘shake’ it off and get on with my life but I couldnt.
Now I have a name for what I’ve been going through I’m kind of confused and a little angry as to why this has happened to me.
For a long time I felt like I was falling down a hole and everyone I loved was reaching out to catch me but I couldnt reach them,I just kept falling.
After reading the email you were sent I just wanted to put a post on to let you know that,after finding this site by accident,it’s helped me a lot knowing that there are other people out there who can and have helped me put this disorder into perspective,I guess I came to the conclusion that having Bipolar isnt the end of the world.
I just wanted to let you know this as your mail’s are a great read for myself and they have helped my family understand the disorder a little better.
Thank you
Michaela
Dave;
Purchase with Paypal?
The Woman who wrote to you with all those problems. I believe she is “Medication” Complient. Hence all the woe. See she on “Meds” will have no Drive, NO Goals, NO thoughts of anykind, DECERIBRATION….. They only get worse. Hence I stopped taking mine Years ago. I do take a tiny amount of Li2CO3, helps preserve some part of the frontal cortex.
You take the use the “Meds” Dave. Perhaps they will help you, as you do not have Whole Brain function….. Do they test on mere Mortals? As the claims made by the manufacturer are ALL FALSE! Hence Lilly Olanzapine Zyprexa is in court. For lies & something to do with freedom of speach.
YOU DO NOT HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEACH. AND YOU DO NOT PRACTICE IT! WHAT IS FREE?
Remove ALL psychiatrists for a start, we do far better WITHOUT THEM IT’S PROVEN! The duity of the organism & there pills/injections is to Ruin lives & families.
You are pro “Medication” and Pro psychiatrist. The ONLY one who likes a psychiatrist, is the Worthless organism it’s self.
Send Paypal instructions! You have said you have it. Tell me how, do I just send it to your E-Mail address?
WHEN WILL YOU PUBLISH A REAL LETTER? NO I WILL DO NO ARSE LICKING, SO I GUESS IT IS NEVER! HOW DO YOU SLEEP?
DO YOU AND YOURS’ WRITE ALL THE “RESPONSES?”
ALL KNOW YOU ARE IN IT FOR THE MONEY.
WOW YOU SAY YOU EMPLOY A BP PERSON (WHERE TAX DEDUCTABLE, YOU CAN PAY US LESS, as WE HAVE PENSIONS, WE HAVE NO RIGHTS AS YOU SAY HE’S LIEING… AND WE MAKE YOU MILLIONS+).
IF I WHERE IN ANY BUSINESS I WOULD ONLY EMPLOY BP PEOPLE. THOUGH I WOULD NOT KEEP TELLING EVERY TOM DICK & HARRY I DO. FOR I DO NOT THINK I AM DOING THEM A SERVICE. THE BPS WILL BE DOING ME A GREAT SERVACE. YOU SEEM TO THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY FOOL WHO HAS EVER ASKED FOR OUR HELP?
THEN WHITHOUT HAVING THE “ILLNESS” YOU STATE YOU KNOW BEST?
YOU ARE LIKE A MALE GYNOCHOLIGIST, HE WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE A WOMAN. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW BP. AS I BELIEVE EVEN THE MEDS WILL NOT EFFECT YOU THE SAME. WITH THE “MEDS” I CAN MAKE YOU BIPOLAR, YES BY INDUCING BRAIN DAMMAGE. HENCE THAT IS THE “ILLNESS” CRAFTED BY pSYCHIATRISTS. tHE “MEDS” & PSYCH. ARE THE “DISEASE”. I HAD A GREAT LIFE BEFORE METING THE PSYCH. AND BEING INTRODUCED TO HER BAD DRUGS. QED!
ALL THE GOOD US PRESIDENTS HAD BP, DA-VINCE, EIENSTIEN…. WHO TREATED DAVINCI, MOZART AND SO ON? THEY WHERE THE GREATEST EVER, DUE TO NO “MEDICATION,” NO pSYCHIATRIST…..
I WAS “DIAGNOSED” 8 YEARS AGO, I STILL KNOW NOTHING ABOUT IT, I HAVE HARDLY ANY SYMPTOMS… YET YOU KNOW ALL AND HAVE NO EXPERIENCE. I AM SHURE SCHUMACKER DID NOT LEARN TO DRIVE AS HE DID BY READING BOOKS! THOUGH HE WAS NOT THAT GOOD EITHER, FOR 1 STALLING 3 IN A ROW ON THE GRID.(HE SHOULD HAVE LOST HIS LISCENCE, ONLY 5000+HP &600KGS? THEY INSTALLED A TAKE OFF BUTTON IN THE PIT. HE WOULD RUN DRIVERS OFF THE ROAD, SO THEY WOULD GIVE WAY TO HIM, AND HOLD UP ALL OTHERS… HE’D “WIN.”
IF I SEND AN ARSELICKING LETTER, YOU WILL POST IT AS IT WILL MAKE YOU MONEY. MOVE PRODUCT PSYCHIATRISTS ARE ALL VERY GREEDY WORTHLESS ORGANISMS….
I DON’T KNOW NOW IF I WANT YOUR BOOK, I HAVE NO TIME FOR PSYCHIATRISTS, OR BAD DRUGS.
To TROY HENRY: I believe you are a VERY angry person with bipolar disorder, and this is NOT the place to rant your bitterness against someone who is TRYING to help people with bipolar and their supporters.
I have a feeling that if other bipolars read your email, it will disturb them, and confuse them, and isn’t really helpful at all. What you are doing is trying to discredit the ILLNESS which, by the grace of God, you HAVE, and have not accepted WITH grace.
Yes – there are some psychiatrists who are “pill pushers,” who just write prescriptions to get the “sick” person out of their office so they can see another sick person, ad nauseum. But – as far as “arsh***ckers,” YOUR blog got posted, so THERE…
Have a little respect for your audience AND yourself. Try to show a little dignity, and DON’T belittle really sick people who are looking for relief AND answers. If you can’t be civil, don’t write on this blog. ‘Nuff said…
MY NAME IS MELISSA HARDIN NOTE I AM ON MY MEDICATIONS I HAVE BIPOLOR DISEASE I READ YOUR EMAIL ABOUT LOSER ATTITUDE OR SAD STORIES WELL I COMPLETLY BELIEVE THAT IT DEPENDS IT WHAT STATE YOUR DISORDER IS AT I CANNOT WORK I HAVE BEEN FIRED 6 TIMES DUE TO MY BIPOLOR I CANNOT CONSINTRATE ON ANYTHING I AM VERY FORGETFUL I WAS COOKING SUPPER FOR MY SON FORGOT I WAS COOKING BURNED MY KITCHEN UP I WAS RUNNING BATH WATER FORGOT I WAS RUNNING BATH FLOODED MY ENTIRE HOUSE DUE TO ALL MY CONFUSION WITH THIS I GET FIRED FROM ALMOST EVERY JOB IT HAS BEEN APPOINTED BY THE COURTS THAT I CAN NO LONGER HANDLE ANY FINANCES MY MY HUSBAND HAS TO I ALSO AM NO LONGER ALLOWED TO DRIVE PER ORDER OF THE COURT I AM ONLY 32 YEARS OLD WHAT DOES THAT LEAVE FOR ME IN LIFE SO I INDEED THINK IT DEPENDS ON WHAT STATE YOUR DISORDER IS AT AND I DO NOT BELIEVE SOMEONE SHOULD BE JUDGED BECAUSE THEY CANNOT DO SOMETHING WHEN SOMEONE ELSE WITH THE SAME DISORDER CAN IT IS SO AWSOME THAT THOSE PEOPLE IN YOUR OFFICE CAN FUNCTION LIKE THAT THATS GREAT BUT THEY CLEARLY ARE NOT WHERE I AM SO FOR THAT DO NOT COMPARE ONE TO ANOTHER BASED ON WHAT THOSE IN YOUR OFFICE CAN DO
To GRAHAM: I HEARTILY concur!! Applause, applause!! You have said what I would have said if I had had the words. You are TRULY a wordsmith, with a whole LOT of common sense. AND – you DO understand bipolar disorder. We are NOT “one size fits all;” we are as unique as any “normal” person. We only have the ability to communicate what we FEEL at any one time; and with bipolar, that can change in an instant!!
Thank you for your discerning post; I enjoyed reading it – more, more!! Encore!!
Troy Henry
Don’t deceive yourself about the physical health of your brain … research at St Andrews University in Edinburgh, Scotland, have found that a part of the brain shrinks a little every time we have a BP episode. If not having drugs increases the frequency (and extreme of BP episodes) you may well be doing more damage to your brain than by not taking them.
I think the many different responses to today’s email from Dave are a good example of the wide range of thoughts and attitudes of people with and without a bipolar illness. Wow! How enlightening that is! Yes, we are all different. That’s why it is so hard to give any one-size-fits-all answer to these issues/questions. I marvel you even try, Dave. But you do, and you most often hit the issue somewhere in the middle where we can all get something out of your advice.
I’m the mom of a 35 yr. old daughter who has a bipolar illness. I do mostly understand and try very hard to be supportive without being an enabler. At the same time, once in a while it would be good to hear about the difficulty being a supporter can be. It is almost always us who must make the compromise and not get our feelings hurt. My daughter seems to have forgotten others have feelings too. But that’s the way it is. So we just keep putting one foot in front of the other and do the best we can… both her and me.
You just keep up your good work, Dave. And yes, like you tell us, don’t take these accusations personally. 🙂
Mari Forquer
mellisa hardin
I think you are right, that one should not compare people in terms of their successes or otherwise. As you say, just as it is with “normal” people, folk have different strengths and weaknesses. It used to really annoy me when the company for whom I last worked used to demand that all employees should be entrepreneurs. But not everyone is cut out to be entrepreneurs! Those same managers would delight in my musical talents (such as they are), saying “I wish I could play X …” or, “I can’t sing like you…” but they would still expect me to taccept their notion that everyone can, and should, be an entrepreneur!
Hi David,
That’s just one… don’t let that email get you down. What you’re trying to do is to help others whether the patient him/herself and/or the supporters. There are some who really wouldn’t understand nor accept what the people around them are trying to do to help each other. Just keep on doing what you are doing cuz you’re helping not just one but alot of people to take care of themselves and of others… You’re making alot of people’s lives easier and worth living…
Why is it that “a person must not be taking his/her medication” when he/she says something we don’t agree with? First, how do we know if the person is taking medication? Second, how do we know if he/she is taking medication, whether it is the correct medication? I think it is irresponsible to say that a person with bipolar disorder isn’t taking their meds – it is also stereotypical of a bipolar person having an ‘episode’ to be off their medication. The fact is, sometimes the medication doesn’t work.
I think part of this woman’s email may have been taken out of context. What are the reason(s) why she is making these statements? What else did she say in her email? What is her own situation? What issue(s) provoked her?
I think it is impossible for any of us to make judgements against her based on this email. I am sure she has reasons for feeling the way she does. I don’t think any of us have the right to say anything negative about her.
I thought the purpose of this blog and website was to help one another. We are not helping her by making statements about her or hypothetical remarks when we don’t really have the whole picture. Maybe she will reach out for help and allow the readers to assist her. Some of the readers have been very kind and have helped me.
Well I havent posted before but I do read most of the emails when time allows. I am a widowedhandicapped bipolar mom of 2 teenagers, I have a pregnant 16yo foster child (she came that way :<) a 8month old foster child, and a newborn fosterchild who was born addicted to crack… (none of these children I am getting any finacial support for btw I do it out of the goodness of my heart) and although at times I do take my place on the pitty pot and feel like things couldnt get worse for me being bipolar widowed mom, who is underhoused with all these kids, I just have to look out my window to all the homeless, sick, addicted ppl in the community, and then look at all my babies ( all 3non-biological kids in my care I consider a blessing and my babies) to be reminded that I have my family, I have food to feed everyone, a roof over our heads no matter how crowded it may be, we have internet, cable and a telephone etc alot of luxuries that not everyone has. Sure financially things are always tight I look at my preggy teen and my heart goes out to her, being abanded by her family at the age of 13 and bounced around foster homes, my 8 month old who’s mom thought partying was more important than he was, or my newborn whos mom didnt even realize she was pregnant till he was born, then there is my18yo son who is dependant on oxygen just to live and cant be left alone for even a few momentsor my own 16 yo daughter who has adhd/odd/bipolar…. These are just a few examples of ppl who have it or have had it worse than I do being confined to a wheelchair from spinal injuries and being bi-polar.
I guess that we can all take that seat on the pitty pot or we can pull up our boot strings and say “Yeah it may suck to be me now but it wont be like this forever” Mind you at one time I had to have a good swift kick in the arse to get off the pitty pot, and yeah I do have my days but I found it helped me alot to look at the good things in life I have and cherrish them instead of focusing on the bad. I dont know about the rest of you but I know it can be hard at times, and things can seem hopeless thats why we have family, therapists, friends – both online and in our communities …. to help us fly when we have forgotten how to do it on our own.
I say that sure we may not have all that we want in life, so what if your not happy with what the Good Lord has handed us there is no use complaining about it…complaining dont get you anyplace… DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE IT!!!!!!!!!
TAKE YOUR MEDS, TALK TO SOMEONE, COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS AND REMEMBER THERE ARE ALOT OF PPL OUT THERE THAT ARE NOT AS FORTUNATE AS YOU ARE…..DONT LET BIPOLAR RUN YOUR LIFE FIGHT IT!!
I MAY BE DISABLED BUT I AM ABLE
I MAY HAVE BIPOLAR BUT THERE IS MORE TO ME THAN THAT
Now im getting off my box LOL
Stella O
I am with you Dave. I believe that medication is the answer. I believe that an “I Can attitude is far more productive than an I can’t. The Pitty Pot is not the place a Bipolar person needs. I am a supporter of a Bipolar child she is 8years old. I have other friends who are Bipolar. Ones who do take medication and some do not. Those on medication fare far better than those who find medicine too expensive or just choose not to take it. This has been beneficial to my child. The question is do youl want to be like lthis or be able to manage in life. Even on medication there are occasional highs and lows and as she grows we adjust medication to help her be in control. I do not allow Bipolar disorder to run or ruin my life. I get a sitter, and do some time alone. I appreciate those who understand and are willing to help. Your e-mail has helped me to understand the disorder better and to be a better supporter with goals and a plan in place. Thanks for being there giving me a chance to speak. She is bright very inteligent loves math, thinks some boys are cute and loves McDonalds. We are better because you are there.
Personally, I have to go with what Krissy van Niekirk said (2nd post).
My feelings exactly Krissy!
However, if she directed that email towards you, David, then she is barking up the wrong tree.
You are right in saying that your job is to help….
But, I dont really think she had a loser attitude.
I dont think it is fair to call someone who is bi-polar a loser, whether or not they lash out at you.
I’ve done my fair share of lashing out and then felt guilty as hell about it.
We ALL have a sad story because bi-polar is a sad, unfortunate often misunderstood or misdiagnosed illness. We can choose to share our story, not share it, get help or dont get help, take our meds or dont take our meds.
Clearly, she has been hurt by someone and is indeed in a BAD place!
I just hope she finds her way out!
To Kerrie: Bravo! Well said!
To Graham: Hear, hear! Excellent entry.
I don’t need to say much more. I have always advocated for empathy and understanding for people who have bipolar and are not well. The woman sounds depressed to me, and very frustrated. Dave, are you aware that not everyone is lucky enough to have a supporter? Surely you know that, even when some bipolars are med compliant, it doesn’t mean that they’re automatically “cured”. Many people, myself included, take our meds religiously but get little if any relief from them. And we don’t know what kind of life circumstances this woman is in – we can’t judge her.
Next time you post such an e-mail, Dave (if you must), I really feel that it would be appropriate to be kind to the writer instead of critical. I really feel that, while you know some facts about bipolar disorder, it’s obvious that you can’t relate to the emotions that bipolar sufferers feel.
SHE’S A REAL SORRY ASS, SHE WANT TO BE SPOON FEAD ALL THE TIME. LADY YOUR ARE NOT DYING UNLESS YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF, YOU CAN WORK YOU CAN LIVE A NORMAL LIFE. I WAS’NT DIAGNOSE SO LONG AGO AND I AM STILL BATTLING TO COME TO TERMS WITH MY ILLNESS, BUT I DON’T FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF, I TRY AND BE AS NORMAL AS POSSIBLE WITH MY MANIC EPISODE’S AND LET ME TELL YOU I HAVE A COUPLE PER DAY, AND I CAN STILL LAUGH. SO PICK YOURSELF UP AND START TO LIVE PLEASE!!!!!!! STOP PASING THE BUCKET IT IS NOT DAVE FAULT THAT YOUR ARE ILL. GET A LIFE WOULD YOU
Hi I have a friend and she has a friend whom both have it. Before I started receiving your lettters I didnt know anything about it. I didnt know why her moods would change and I thought she would be mad at me. Of all the articles you have written I have not once read that it is easy to handle. Now that I have received your articles I have learned more and to listen to her more. Thank Ypou
Charlie
Simoney,
I’m sure the lady WOULD “GET A LIFE” if she could. But right now she obviously can’t.
Guys …
Pity pots? Look here! Of course it is healthy to focus on the good things, to try to be positive, to see the bright side of the dark clouds. It’s all good. But it’s also good to grieve once in a while, to feel sorry for yourself and bitch about how Life/God has dealt you a cr@p hand. Doing this helps let off some of the steam because there’s nothing less healthy than feeling like death-warmed-up while also feeling obliged to put on a happy face! (When you are feeling really depressed, there is little more irritating than someone trying to cheer you up! But what IS worse is some self-righteous person trying to tell you you should count your blessings, that BP isn’t the end of the World when the patient clearly believes it is! Remember what I said the other day about trying to convince someone who “knows” they are right? Here is the same thing: Keep on jabbing the nerves of someone who is feeling very sorry for themselves with forced recommendations about “think positively” … it isn’t helpful, believe me on this one. It incites an aggressive reaction … as my wife will testify when she suggested the doctors are wrong in their diagnosis of my BP and my diabetes, and then proceeded to say I like being ill! WHAT??? Like having BP?!!! Big Red Button!!! I went nuclear, folks. Someone give me a gun – no, not to shoot myself but to shoot …. If I hadn’t walked away she’d have been carried away and I’d have been carted away. (Oh, it can be so much fun having a non-supportive spouse … )
You have to let the negative emotions get to the surface before you can let them go, and you won’t achieve that if you forever walk about with a coat hanger stuck in your mouth to make it look like you’re smiling.
It’s okay to feel sorry for yourself once in a while. It also helps a lot, folks, if you feel you can do that with a friend and not fear they will stuff those emotionally charged feelings right back up your ass…. because that’s not at all helpful! Okay?
Don’t be Potty about Pity! Next time your loved one wants to bitch about how they are thoroughly pissed off because of their BP, don’t stop them. Let them get the bad feelings off their chests. If you don’t want to hear it, walk away – just don’t get IN the way. Okay?!
Hi.
I want to say something:
Don’t be so frustrated.
In fact it’s about an email with “I am sick and tired …
and you people don’t understand” and expectations
for “NO – IT’S NOT SO” answers and you, David, did your best…
I hope nobody’s hurt…
Bye
GRAHAM NELSON….. THANK YOU YOU SEEM TO BE SO UNDERSTANDING ABOUT THINGS SO MANY PEOPLE JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND I THINK THATS ALOT OF WHY SOME OF US END UP ISOLATING OURSELVES BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO DONT UNDERSTAND TALKING ABOUT US ME AND MY HUSBAND WENT TO AN ATTORNEYS OFFICE ONE DAY AND AS WE SET IN THE WAITING ROOM THE PEOPLE NEXT TO US WAS TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE JUST DOGGING THEM HOW THEY HAVE BIPOLOR AND THEY ARE CRAZY SHOULD HAVE THEIR KIDS TAKEN AWAY AND JUST ALL KINDS OF AWFUL THINGS THEY WERE SAYIN ABOUT THIS PERSON AND IT BROKE MY HEART LITTLE DID THEY KNOW THE PERSON SETTING NEXT TO THEM WAS STRUGGLING WITH BIPOLOR TOO IT MADE ME FEEL HORRIBLE I HAVENT LEFT MY HOUSE SINCE THAT DEVISTATED ME IMAGINE HOW IT WOULD MAKE THE PERSON THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT FEEL I WISH PEOPLE WOULD STOP JUDGING OTHERS AND EDUCATE THEIRSELVES ABOUT IT
WHERE IS A GOOD PLACE TO FIND HELP FOR THE HUSBAND THAT DOES NOT UNDERSTAND BIPOLOR
DOGGING A PERSON SAYING THEY HAD BIPOLOR AND THEY WAS CRAZY THEY NEEDED THEIR KIDS TAKEN AWAY FROM THEM LITTLE DID THEY KNOW THE PERSON SETTING NEXT TO THEM WAS STRUGGLING WITH BIPOLOR I FELT HORRIBLE IMAGINE HOW THE PERSON THEY WAS TLKING ABOUT WOULD FEEL I HAVENT LEFT MY HOUSE SINCE
HELLO MY NAME IS GREG MY WIFE HAS BIPOLOR DISORDER SHE HAS VERY MANY MOOD SWINGS SHE IS UP THEN SHE IS READY TO KILL HERSELF SHE TAKES MEDICATION BUT THEY ARE SO EXSPENSIVE WE ARE HAVEING TROUBLE GETTING THEM BUT SHE CLOSES HERSELF UP AWAY FROM EVERYBODY EVEN THE KIDS ALL OF HER AND MY FAMILY SHE HAS CLOSED EVERYONE OUT SHE GOES THROUGH PERIODS SHE YELLS AT ME AND EVEN CURSES ME SHE USED TO NEVER CURSE SHE CRIES AND CRIES BECAUSE SHE SAYS SHE FEELS HORRIBLE ABOUT EVERYTHING BUT SHE SAYS SHE DONT KNOW HOW TO FIX IT, CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND PLEASE
SHE ALWAYS SAYS SHE IS LEAVIN SHE IS SO WISHY WASHY SHE LEAVIN SHE STAYIN SHOULD I JUST LEAVE HER SOMEONE HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND HER
WHERE CAN I FIND HELP FOR A HUSBAND THAT DOESNT UNDERSTAND ME WITH MY BIPOLOR
To GREG:
Having a wife with bipolar is a very hard situation to understand. “Bipolar” itself in a definition, means “extreme mood swings,” and your post says that she suffers from more than her share.
As I can’t make out by your post, she is either in a hypomanic state (euphoria, “high,” “excitable,” “irritable”) or a very depressed state (suicidal, sad, cries, sleeps a lot).
Her doctor can/will prescribe medications that can steady the mood swings, but bipolar IS incurable. As long as she follows a treatment plan – takes her meds, goes to her therapy sessions, gets adequate sleep and nourishment – she CAN function as a “normal” person. What it takes on YOUR part, is understanding.
If you truly love her, you will be asked to endure these mood swings until time runs its course. I suggest you find a GOOD psychiatrist who can help with the meds, and a psychotherapist to provide cognitive (talking) therapy.
Speaking from personal experience, I have had bipolar for 40 years. My first episode (illness) happened when I was 20. In the decade of my 20s, I had 3 hospitalizations for mania. I have not been hospitalized since 1977, but I have had hypomanic episodes that were treated on an out-patient basis with my Community Mental Health Clinic. Now-I consider myself to be highly-functional, able to lead a fairly “normal” life. No more extreme “highs” or “lows” – just what professionals call a “plateau.”
I wish you good luck on dealing with your wife. She needs YOU as a supporter during her mood swings, but she also needs professional help to get her to a more mellow place. It CAN happen; just be patient and take some of my suggestions to heart. It’s NOT an easy road you face, but by the grace of God, and prayer, the two of you can weather any storm.
To MELISSA: I suggest you continue reading, and sharing, Dave Oliver’s emails with your husband. They are full of information for Supporters, as well as people with bipolar disorder.
Also, if there is a Group that is for Supporters anywhere in your vicinity, that might be a good place to start. That way, he can listen and identify with other people in the same boat. He can make an appointment with a psychologist to talk about bipolar, and its many manifestations. Beyond that, have him read Dave’s BIPOLARCENTRAL.COM for more information.
If you feel you’re beating your head against a brick wall when it comes to educating your husband on bipolar, go to a search engine and search “bipolar disorder,” and there will be additional information on the illness. I wish you luck, and you are in my prayers.
Melissa
Don’t let two ignoramuses in an attorney’s office put you off from enjoying the out doors! Those are just the opinions of two people out of millions … many of whom would disagree with them while most wouldn’t even have an opinion on the matter!
I take my meds regularly. But I dont always feel good,so i now take B vitamins and 5 htp,and a multi with zinc(im loosing my memory) i lost the phone number to contact you, and I really want to get your info package.Im working my way out of debt and my husband and I cant afford both the supporter pkg and one for me..Im hoping that some of the info is the same for both..like finding a good DR. and how to get medical coverage etc. As soon as we get it together we will be getting your 49.95 pkg.Im looking forward to it. Angela
dear david i am in a downward spiral and pretty much have hit rock bottom. my drs are working on it but not fast enough. this seems to be the only way to get through to you. i need some inspiration because i have given up. i have dealt with this monster for over 20 years. i have been on just about everything. it seems like my hormones or body changes faster than the meds last. or something like that. i just wanted to comment on this blog because you should never shun or belittle someone who is down. god knows they don’t need it. noone likes to be kicked when they are down
Dave, I don’t know what to do anymore.I have been diagnosed about 4 yr’s now with Bi-Polar.BOY So true to what I have felt like since my teeanage year’s.But I am at a lost.2 yr’s ago I was on a med that turned me into a dark monster.Not toward’s people,But to myself.I started hurting myself so I could feel.I went to my doc and he and my family decided that I needed in house therepy.So I went.People in there were crazy I figured a good place for someome like me.But after ten day’s I wanted out.So I was released and went to 6 hr’s of therepy 5 day’s a week.I don’t think it helped.It was more about dealing with addittion’s than my disease.But I followed thru.Then I was on new med’s. Oh boy I ended up in the hosp with pancrititis for 7 days.After running high fever’s and feeling bad previously.So now we are her.I have been on soooooooooooooo many med’s.With bad effect’s and side effect’s.My doctor is at a lose.He say’s I want to die.I say no I don’t but I reconize sympton’s and if I don’t like it I stop it.I don’t like seeing thing’s or being in a cloud all day.I do everthing I am asked to do.or am I wrong.I am not a loser.I take care of my disabled husband.Have raised 3 functional children and work 40 hr’s a week.So I am a winner.I am currently having very bad mania and anxiety.But my doc has not returned my call’s.
My husband has been here for me and most of my family.But What am I doing soooo wrong.I know my body and if the side effect’s are bad I feel dark,paranoid,or in a cloud. Are there other people who go thru this.How do I help myself??? Why ca I not find a med that work’s for more than 3 month’s.
Please help me.
You taught me the first rule:
You can’t be rational with an irrational person!
That was the first thing you told me four years ago!
This person wrote the e-mail to Dave, right? But the general complaints are directed at an undefined audience–“you guys,” “you,” etc.
This is a big forum. Does anyone know this woman personally? Does anyone here really have legitimate grounds to take her venting personally? Is it really an attack, an insult, a malignant message?
Who are “you all?” Me? You? Dave?
So why would any one person take this on as if she wanted, needed, or was entitled to a personal reply?
It looks like it provided a convenient jumping off point for those who wanted to hammer home their own points, and to make their own agendas clear.
There is no need to spell out exactly the symptoms of bipolar depression that would, at the very least provide a reasonable context for trying to understand where she is coming from.
We stress over and over the kinds of symptoms might indicate a depression. And we are all eager to take care of that as soon as we can. No one wants to see a loved one suffer. Right?
I don’t know this woman. I don’t know anything about her mental health. I only know what she writes. But I don’t know how anyone here could NOT consider the fact that there might be clinical depressive symptoms affecting her attitudes, and her writing.
The first response, that Dave (or any of us – “stable” right now, or “supporters” ) would even respond to the message of someone with bipolar is just disturbing to me. Someone’s saying, “Don’t talk to her. She’s too sick. You can’t reason with her.”
Are most of you really here at least in some small part to support and understand a person with bipolar disorder? If so, I marvel at this kind of insensitivity.
I don’t understand the need to defend yourselves. Why isn’t it ok for this woman to say things are awful for her at this time, and that she doesn’t appreciate what you do here?
She can say what she thinks! And she sent this message to one person’s e-mail. Now it’s posted so that she can be subjected to everyone’s judgment. Is that a fair thing to do to ANYONE?
I am not sure how anyone can determine whether or not a person is taking their medications by looking at a few paragraphs they wrote. Since I’m not intuitive enough to make that call from here, I will withhold any accustaion that she is not taking her meds.
Likewise, I will not take the leap based upon a few lines of her writing that she is just like anyone else I know who has bipolar disorder. Despite my years of experience with this condition, I am not qualified to judge a stranger negatively.
I could speculate about what kind of person she is. I could feel sorry for the people in her life who do not have bipolar disorder. I could make dark proclaimations about her future, and the long-term consequences of her “loser attitude.”
But I won’t, because I don’t know anything about any of those things, especially not when trying to guess about the motivations of a stranger.
She wants attention? Possible. But again, did she send this e-mail to one person? I think it says “Dear Dave,” right? She didn’t send it directly to this blog. She didn’t display it for me or you. She didn’t invite this much attention, I know that much.
It was out of her hands, so who of us knows what in the world she did want, exactly?
I know there are many different reactions to her message, and not all of them are cold and judgmental.
But I’m most distressed to see things like, “pity pot,” “loser,” etc.
Some folks seem bothered by the way SHE expresses herself. Not just what she says, but how she says it.
And at the same time, lots and lots of supporters want to be understood. Of course you do. Who doesn’t want that? And it seems like too many times, the people in your life who have bipolar disorder fail to give you that empathy.
This woman feels terrible! I see “pity pot,” and “loser” and flat out mean responses to her. “off her meds!”
Remember, she didn’t ask you or me for anything. She sent 1 e-mail to 1 person.
Can’t we all offer her just a little more of the empathy we want from her?
J
I read her comment from that e-mail that became public, and fodder for our criticism. I read it again, hoping to find some sense or purpose in what has happened to her writing.
I still see no reason that anyone has grounds to take her message personally, or to construct a defense.
It’s so disturbing to me to see how this has unfoled. And what’s most frightening is that, while so many disputed her claims, in some sense we only validated her complaints.
I cannot read through all of these posts and say and NOT notice that in some cases, this stranger was “mocked.”
“Loser,” “Pity Pot,” “Get a Life,” “Don’t get in a bipolar conversation with a bipolar.”
Are any of these things helpful? She says she feels like she’s being mocked. Did anyone notice that some of us took great pains to proove her right? Do you think she feels better being insulted?
Again, so many times I see supporters come here and bemoan the terrible effect living with someone who has bipolar disorder can have on their lives.
And commonly I also hear that their loved one with bipolar disorder just doesn’t care about how they feel. They’re very self-centered, people often say. It’s all about THEM, and you take so much grief.
I do not agree that bipolar disorder, as a symptom of the illness, makes a person self-centered, unable to empathize, abusive, or irresponsible. But so many people comment about these bad behaviors as if they are automatically and eternally attached to the label of bipolar disorder.
But I can certainly understand that you, like the writer of this e-mail, hate it when your loved one, or anyone at all, deliberately shows coldness and becomes mean at the very time when you really want or need them to try and understand your pain. Sometimes, I bet it feels like that person is just mocking you, doesn’t it?
There is a difference between pitying a person and empathizing. And supporting that person when they are sad or hopeless.
Supporters come back here many times to vent. To express how hard your lives are because of the way bipolar disorder and your loved one have made your lives difficult.
I have almost never seen anyone respond by calling this a pity party. I haven’t heard the word “loser.” I hear people showing understanding.
And it’s not only understanding and compassion coming from other supporters! I am not the only person who has bipolar disorder who has, over and over again, extended my compassion to you.
But I have asked for very, very little. I have expected very little from you supporters. And I have tried to be extremely careful not to give anyone some perceived justification for all the negative things I’ve heard about this illness and the people who actually HAVE it.
If I said – “You know, it’s very painful, exhausting, lonely, frustrating, and sometimes extremely disabling, to HAVE Bipolar Disorder — ?? Is it self-centered of me to state the inarguable fact that you will never understand what I have been though?
Well is that selfish? Is it wrong of me to state just that much? Is that self-pity? Does that mean I don’t know or care how anyone else feels? Am I a loser? Am I off my meds? Am I in an episode? Am I written off? Give up, because you figure why even talk to a “bipolar?” If I turn my attention away from your pain just long enough to mention that it’s not a picnic for me, am I being rude?
I don’t think so at all, particularly not because I can do it respectfully.
It’s no fun, folks. Not for you. Not for me.
But I see this mockery as soon as anyone mentions that this illness is a very hard thing to HAVE. Not JUST for “supporters.” All of us.
Let’s please try not to be blind to one another’s pain.