Hi,
I hope your day is going well.
Today I want to talk about responsibility.
For example, these days a lot of people who got bad mortgages blame the people who sold them.
The people who sold them, blame the people who got them.
Same thing with cars.
The people who buy them from a used car lot and then something goes wrong with the car, blame the people who sold it to them.
The people who sold it to them say they sold the car “as is,” and blame the people who bought
it.
Well, I see this in bipolar disorder too.
The people with bipolar disorder go off their medication.
Then they go into an episode.
So they blame the doctor for not telling them what would happen if they go off their medication.
The doctor blames them for not getting the right information to tell them what would happen if
they go off their medication.
Or they go into an episode and they blame their therapist for not treating them good enough.
The therapist blames them for not trying hard enough in therapy.
They blame the psychiatrist for not stopping the episode before it happened.
The psychiatrist blames them for not telling him that they were thinking they might be going into
an episode.
They blame their support group for not being there for them.
The support group blames them for not participating enough.
They blame their supporter for not noticing soon enough.
The supporter blames them for not listening when they told them that they noticed the signs of an impending episode.
The list goes on and on…
And who is really to blame?
Who didn’t take responsibility?
That’s one of the things I talk about in my courses and systems: What is the person’s responsibility, and what is the supporter’s responsibility.
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In the examples I used above, whose fault is it that the person went off their medication? The
person or their doctor?
Whose fault is it that the person went into an episode?
Whose responsibility was it to prevent the episode in the first place?
Is it the person with bipolar disorder’s responsibility to stay stable, or is it their doctor’s, psychiatrist’s, therapist’s, or supporter’s?
These people can all HELP, but is it really their responsibility?
No, the responsibility belongs to the person who has bipolar disorder.
They have to do the things that keep them stable.
They can get their doctor or psychiatrist to prescribe and moderate their bipolar medication.
They can get their therapist to listen to them and help them with issues surrounding their life and their bipolar disorder.
They can get their supporter to be understanding and supportive, and to help them in whatever way they can.
But they cannot ask these people to do things for them that they can do for themselves.
These things they have to take responsibility for.
Like taking responsibility for what happens during an episode.
Like taking responsibility for their own bipolar disorder.
Like taking responsibility for their stability.
What do you think?
Is it your responsibility or theirs?
Post responses below
I didn’t get this email in your last posting never mind , I feel I need to answer to it:
David you are absolutely correct when you say that the BP sufferer needs to take responsibility for the things they can do for themselves.
BP sufferers have to be in charge of all the biggies like taking their meds, like having plans in place incase they go into episodes,like being responsible for the things that could cause an episode and to stay away from them ( drugs, alcohol, self medicating , coming off their meds )
We have to support and encourage the efforts of BP sufferers to take responsibility, and not take over ourselves either out of a sense of misguided pity or – love I reckon we take over because deep down we only want to help ourselves feel better ( then we can say to ourselves and others that we tried to help).
and sometimes we take over because actually we think they can’t or won’t take responsibility and all that message sends ( to our BP sufferer )is that our loved one is hopeless helpless and useless.
It has been a long hard learning curve for me to learn that love can also be me stepping right back from “helping “: running after Rachel with money, and excusing her outbursts of violence and paying off her debts and actually agreeing with her bizarre ideas because Rachel had to make the very first crucial decision herself,for her to take that first step (for her to recognise that she had Bipolarand then for her to decide to do something bout it)
Rachel has been in a positive mind set for almost a month ( between her Pyschiatrist and Rachel they found a balance of medicines that have been enormously successful: she is coming home in 3 weeks time, I love my daughter.She is in recovery.
Thank you once again David for your timely emails. They serve to illuminate issues and solutions, excite discovery, and reassure me in times when the outlook seems to be so bleak
Regards
Shona
Hi!
The responsibility should fall on the shoulders of the person with Bi-Polar disorder. This has really been a struggle for my daughter. She’ll be 30 next month and will spend it in prison. This is the last place I wanted my daughter to end up. But she went off her meds and began self medicating and got herself into trouble. The judge at first ordered her to rehab since she was having drug/alcohol issures. She was doing great there for about 3 months then she began rapid cycling and left the place. Since she was on probation; once she left rehab a warrant was issued for her arrest. So she has been sentenced to 7 years in prison.
She is thinking that she’ll get out spring of next year on early parole and I might agree with her if she wasn’t having trouble following orders in prison. I am all she has. Her Dad died when she was 3. She is suppose to come and live with me when she gets out. I’m having trouble with my youngest daughter not wanting anything to do with her sister since she caused so much grief in our family. What do you do about a situation like that? How can we ever come together as a family? I’m concerned about so many things relating to all of this that I am considering going to see a therapist.
I do have to say though that maybe since my daughter has hit bottom (prison) that maybe now she will straighten out. She finally admitted all was her fault so that is good. She is back on her meds and for that I am thankful!! Thanks for listening and please keep those daily emails comiing.
Susan
HEY…..
Its the bipolors responsability. But if that person spirals out of control, in to a epasode and loses touch with reality and dose something stuped are the still to blame, what if they don,t no what there doing.bless.
Take Care Linda x
well i know its my fault but when your therapist tells you that you can help a eposide and i really try hard not to but it just happens dont know what else i can do but try and the same thing with my ocd i really try hard but if i dont organize stuff i just feel more depressed and feel like i cant do anything right so what do i do i just think about killing myself so i would make everyone happy well thats all i have to say so hope nobody thinks bad of me for thinking like i do i dont think anyone should put him down for that he does a great job no matter what any of you people say about him
Hey Dave, I think it’s all of the aboves responsibility. I mean, my gosh, if you are seeing a doctor, therapist, going to groups, have a supporter, take your meds and you (the bi-polar person)(for lack of better word – i don’t agree with sufferer) ALL miss an on coming episode, they are ALL to blame.
Just my opinion, I could be wrong.
Dave – a resounding NO!!! Two of my three hospitalizations for full-blown mania happened WHILE I was on meds! I NEVER went off of them, and the hypomania that preceded it was not serious enough (in my own mind) to elicit “help” from professional sources. It is TRUE that a bipolar episode CAN sneak up on you when you least expect it.
I’m not saying there aren’t triggers that can throw you into an episode; I’m saying I wasn’t responsible for my mania. The ONLY thing that impeded and stopped it, was to be hospitalized, mainly to “come down” and get my meds tweaked. Looking back, I can see what the hypomania did, but all the interventions at the time, by my Mom, didn’t help – because I failed to listen. Sir – I was OUT OF MY MIND. I was deemed “incompetent” by a judge! Does that make ME responsible for my actions??!!
Right now, I’m under close observation by both my shrink and my therapist because of my “mixed episodes” and the increasing of my medications, to get me through this “spell.” At this point, I’m NOT incompetent, but who knows when/if I will “cross the line?”
This “bipolar disorder” is not only a “killer,” but a “spectre,” a “ghost” if you will, that sometimes has a mind of its own. Once it starts to progress, there’s no easy way to stop it. I KNOW from EXPERIENCE. Even while I follow the correct “treatment plan,” take my meds religiously, etc., there is ALWAYS the possibility I will “lose my mind.” And – the anticiipation of a full-blown manic episode is NOT fun.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
Well Dave,
That really wasn’t a hard question at all. Of course it is the reponsiblity of the BP person.
For the person here that is talking of killing themselve. It’s obvious that you have no support system in place. If you did you would most definitly be taking responsibility for your thought patterns right there and now. The thought of killing yourself, is one of the things Dave talks about here and is definitly a sign that you are in an episode. Get yourselve to a place so you can get the care you need and fast. There is no other person but a professional that can help you at this moment. You have to take responsibility for yourself, so please get help.
My daughter, who is now 18yrs old and I have been dealing with her early onset BP since long before she was even 10yrs , when she went into a full manic phase..for years (even professionas)everyone kept saying it was behaviorial, but I persisted but there were ups and downs,.Too make a long story short, she has had several hospitalizations, few for suicidal attempts and then trying to self medicate with drugs and alcolhol.
We did find a great psych doc and he has listened to me and her..even thru e-mails..as she has goten older, she after the last hospitalization..almost 4 yrs ago..( doing the drugs /alcohol) and sent to a RTC..had to do 3 hospitalizations in 30 days..them insurance paid..
She has finally grown up..but still trying to get things in order..
I told her recently, that she needs to be in control of “her life”..she wants to be independent, but if she persists in “forgetting” to take her meds..it will be a judge, not me having her put in for danger to self or others. She was taking the of her most meds during the day, and then another dose of one at night..well forget that..since she gave me permission to talk to her doc,we e-mailed back and forth and he said she could just take her one med all in the morning, if compliance was becoming an issue. This has made a big have differance..in all of our attitudes have improved , stress level down.(in the evening)..she has even gone out and gotten her first job..
It’s been a long trip and will probably continue to be, but putting the responsibility on her..and talking with her psych doc about options..she can try to be in control..and she wants to be..on a side note she has a 10 mos baby and a supportive fiance’..beside me, her mom..
So..Yes,..the responsibilitie should be placed in a supportive manner, for her to be more in control..but knowing that she has a supportive family and friends if things don’t go right..is a big help too.
Hello David,
Yes I do believe the reponsibility is with the one with bipolar. I am not the one with bipolar but the mother of my little 6 year old grand daughter is. She is the one I am trying to support. It is a losing battle. She has had five good men in her life,they never last more than two years. She threatens to kill them and attacks them. My son is one. Now she has married someone from the internet after a month who lives 2000 miles away. What are we to do? I am sure she never told him she is bipolar. And that is her responsibility as well. She takes her meds but still cant stand her mate after two years if that long.
She is the type that runs when she could walk, everything is fast. The men have tried to help her but she goes crazy. They have to leaave for her sake and theirs
I am sorry to say this, I know you are here to help but we have no choice but to go to court and get full custody of my sons daughter. This is not the life for a little girl. She also has a ten year old half brother. His father is also going to court with my son. When a bipolar starts to get men from the internet, that is dangerous. The one she married was the fourth one she invited to her house with the kids there from the internet. We did not know this at the time. What would you do in this case? I try to help her as much as I can by keeping Olivia often so she has time to herself. My son has her every other weekend and often besides.
I am beside myself and so are the father’s of these children. if you have advice I would love to hear it.I am afraid she will lose it if she loses those kids. But what can we do.
I will keep you informed on what happens.
Thank you, I love hearing from you
Sorry, this is long. Barbara
Sad to say, I find that treatment nowadays in many areas is basically DIY! The therapist, psych doc and so on can HELP – but it is unrealistic to expect them to act in a textbook manner, as it just won’t happen.
SO – one has to protect oneself by boning up on your disorder YOURSELF & SHARING that info with your loved ones. And,of course, following the regime that works best for you.
Remember – the only feedback mechanism for how your meds affect you is HOW YOU FEEL. There is no test or MRI for that yet. So, however difficult, be a stubborn patient & don’t accept meds unless they are RIGHT for you. And the only way to do this is trial & error! Don’t allow yourself to be over-medicated, just because this is an easier one-size-fits-all remedy. I was once branded a “difficult patient” – but now I have my life pretty well on track. Being overmedicated as I was for a while would have left me much less able to COPE.
So stand up for yourself! Yes, take as much responsibility as you are able – for no one – not even your loved ones – has as big a stake in your care as YOU DO.
As ALL know the Depression is due to George W Bush Snr, & Jnr.
If you go to the trouble of cracking the Nostradamus code you, well you will also have to learn Old High class french, all up it took me 2 Months whithout sleep.
Anyhou in his predictions Nostra states thet a Father then a son will run the Worlds most powerful Nation, then a Black Man will get in, (ALL B4 I tested my theory on ALL we know from History & it worked).
Aparently we will not end the World with War, as Bush & Bush wanted, I see it will be under Ocean Volcanoes, thus as stated in the Bible it will Rain Fire & Water. Destroyed Via Fire (Molten Rock, and Water (Hugs Sunami). Only th Rightious FEW will remain.
SO Heaven NO “psychiatrists”…).
The Depression well the Arab Oil Giants switched their Oil Accounts from US$ to Euro. well why not the Euro is worth more, & Bush & Bush are very bad to the Arab…
The switching of oil accounts thus sent MANY TRILLION$ Back to the Good old US of A whith NO WORTH at ALL…..
FINANTIAL CRISIS.
TOO MUCH BUSH RUINED AMERICA, & MOST OF THE WORLD.
OVER HERE I AM TOLD THE MOST STIPID & POOR MUST GET IN AS “LEADER” FOR HE IS THE MOST EASILY CORRUPTED.
OLD MAFIA MEN,
SUZANNE;
Myself or any quack can have ANYBODY however they please with the “medications” at their desposal.
However I can do it whithout meds.
PAM:
We are ALL way over”medicated.”
AS is PROVEN ALL “psychiatric treatments” CAUSE BD which manifests in ALL the Behaviurs listed in their self written (The Medical profession would not write it, thus they KNOW it to be none but FRAUD). Billig Bible the DSM.
Pam Doctors told me they do not know how or why the “medication” works, nor what it dose.
It “works” for as ALL know to get out of ANY institution we MUST agree with the quack.
“I was very unwell… I feel much better now… thank you.”
This is recorded on Tape, and by many Hot smelling School Girls.
Thus another “success”….
I will not answer any more as NONE of you listen. To one who has Merely 9 Years in this Sadistic Genocidal Fraud as a “consumer”…
Hi Dave,In talking about be responsible for your actions as a Bipolar Women. I have done things and blamed it on being Bipolar.Even though I have been stable since 2006.I take my Meds faithfully and function fine. and I have a good Therapist. What woke me up was seeing myself In pics and being taped during a terrible episode.I could not believe it was me I felt ashamed and sorry that I put my husband in that kind of situation All because I wanted to do as I pleased and say it was because I’m Bipolar. I was not taking my meds and thought I was on top of the world till it came crashing down.So Whose responsible me and I can’t blame anyone else.
Hello Dave,
My daughter who is 30 years olds has Bipolar. Her father past away 6 years. I have been with this wonderful man now for 2 years. The reason I’m sharing this with you is could I be the cause of her illness. She was very unhappy when I started to date. I told her no one can take her dad’s place in my heart. Is it possible I could of caused this? Her husband now wants a divorce because she isn’t herself. I haven’t gone to the doctors with her and she had been admited to the hospital twice. She is not getting any better. I was told she has Bipolar 1. How can I help to make sure she is taking the right meds?
Thank you,
Sue
To SUE: NO, you are NOT responsible for your daughter being ill. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain, which reacts to different triggers, and is controlled by taking antipsychotic medications, talk therapy, sleep, and a treatment plan.
As a matter of fact, during my last hospitalization for mania (1977), my OWN Mother wrote me a sad letter, apologizing for what she FELT was her behavior causing my illness. One of the things she said was, “I’m sorry if I weren’t a good Mother to you. I tried my best. If you could let me know what I did wrong, I will try to treat you better.” If you don’t think that is HEARTBREAKING, then you have no soul. I cried VOLUMES when I read it; of course, she didn’t have ANYTHING to do with my nervous breakdown/bipolar disorder. She has since passed on, but I remember that note to this day…
By all means – live your OWN life!! See this gentleman if he makes you happy. You’re NOT here to babysit a 30 yr old woman; if she can’t accept your going out, that’s HER problem, NOT yours. So – go – have a good time – life is TOOOO short to restrict what good you can get out of it.
It is theres,,
Who’s responsible??? I guess I am responsible for everything. My progress, my effort, my emotions, my stability, my medication, my psychiatrist appointments, my therapist appointments, my distorted thinking…They tell me I have the key Buttt I can’t find it and I’m not sure I want to look anymore. I’m TIRED…
I have such a dilemma…my husband is bipolar…will not take med…DR prescribed but ripped up the perscription…he has MJOR outbursts even now as we speak….but is so polite in front of other people. Blames me for everything…I keep him busy but when he has downtime..look out..that is now….If I go out to dinner with the girls or to a baseball game he will call me screaming to come home….I am really at my wits end. I try to have patience but it is growing thin..His family including 2 daughters have nothing to do with him….I don’t know what to do…I have spoken w/Dr and if he won’t take meds what can they do…then he got rid of his recent DR because he asked him to see a phyc. Anyones comments???
hi dave i really wanna ask ya a question.since i cant have your book yet.but i read tht u mentioned talking about high functioning people who has a stabled life and a happy 1 too.which means they can manage their bipolar ,their lives and enjoy life.this made me think is it possible to live a life without addictions such as drugs,sex,cigars and alcohol.which i know causes big problems with bipolar disorder.is it possible to live a lifre without them.its hard to find god and other happiness.what shld i do .im really struglin.but i know a lot of peopl non bipolar who live their lives without these adictions n they r still happy.my dad is a grt example.i realised he lived his life playing sports,videogmes,watching movies,listeing to music he did the things a holy man did.im gonna start doing those things and other activities as well and im really trying hard to find god.im really struggling.i havent started any addictions yet.coz for some reason i have this fear of going to hell after death.im not really a bad person.i just dont have enough faith.and i feel adictions is a way most people survive wid their lives.but i still know wats right.so wat shld i do in my life-FIND GOD AND DO OTHR ACTIVITIES THAT MAKE U HAPPY RIGHT.coz if u avoid these substances u get stablized and if i do find god and find other activites-I WILL LIVE THE NORMAL(HIGH FUNCTIOING)LIFE u r talking about.so dave u knw seem to be a nice staright forward fellow.HOW DOO I FIND GOD WAT ACTIVITES R THERE.HOW CAN I LIVE A NORMAL LIFE BEING HAPPY ,HEALTHY AND STRAIGHT WTHOUT ADDICTIONS.PLS REPLY.kein
Hi Dave,
Its Sat the 25th at 11:55 Am. I finally slept all night. I was on the web this morning and was looking up some info on an antidepressant a neighbor was taking. It seem as though that some physicians prescribe to strong antidepessants for people who are sensitive to meds and she is one who is.
I wanted to relay to you that in all of your e-mails I have never read anything relating to two different types of bipolar disorder.
(1) hypomania – it is suggested that drug treatment would be needed, Education and Phycotherapy. In all or your lessions you never tell folks that If you should
open web Md you may obtain more information than is possible in the lessons you send in your e-mails.
(2) Cyclothymia – This is full blown bipolar and if not treated could be very harming to the person who has it.
Hope you have a better day.
Carol
This note is in relation to the husband that screams as you. Its his problem. I know that you probably love him. If he is violent with you I would say that for your safety is would be best to leave him. If he them still refuses to take any meds then I would say he is a controller and probably won’t ever change.
best of luck
Wow, what fantastic comments. I too believe it is the suffers responsibility – particularly once conclusively diagnosed. As supporters we’ve all seen ‘the blame’ bandied around. My husband went off his meds for 7 months last year, and of course told everyone ‘post crash’ it was the Doctors fault who had told him it was ok. BP is a mindset thing! Of course I have also known my husband to never let the TRUTH get in the way of a great ‘POOR ME’ story. Sorry if I sound a little cynical.
All of us both sufferers and supporters have to take responsibility for exactly where we are in our life. Every thought, deed and word has a consequence – the lesson is who do I want to be in this particular situation now!
As a supporter I have my good days and bad days naturally but find the greatest mechanism for coping is sometimes a Darn Good Sense of Humour. Everything is a choice and – that’s not to say one day I may not make a different choice. When my husband takes responsibility for his condition and chooses to manage it – that makes my choice to stay and support him a little easier.
When I’m on a good day – I can laugh about some of the lighter symptoms like the inappropriate behaviour of dropping his pants at a Friends Black Tie dinner party!
and oh the damage control as I hastened to phone everyone the next day and make excuses! Or the days he comes home after talking to his mother on the riverbank – incidently she died two years ago – or my deceased uncle sending psychic messages to his doctor, as crazy as it all sounds if I didn’t laugh about these incidences – frankly I’d cry and they are of course a warning that the mania has started and the cycle is well under way. I would love to hear more comments about fellow supporters coping mechanisms.
Support and empathy to all
Devon
To Troy,
I will answer, sorry I have only just read your interesting comments. One question – do you have a supporter? Keep in touch, when you feel like you’ve had enough and no one is listening, chances are thats exactly when you need to keep opening these blogs.
Comment on! I am listening
take care
How can you deal with a 38 year old daughter who has bipolar disorder( pychotic/mania) has become a nightmare for me and family members. She resides alone in her own home. In the past year she has been having rapid cycling of bipolar. Has been admitted into the treatment center several times involuntary. Currently, the last espisode she has become very agressive,hostile,angry towards all family members. She doesn’t not answered her home telephone not even for her doctors, etc. Isolated herself from family members. Changed all her former doctors to all new doctors now in which it makes it’s harder for me to communicate with any of them. She has stopped seeing her doctors and has stopped taking her bipolar medicine.
Last week my mother and I had to go to court because my daughter took out “No Contact” Papers on us because she does not want us to visit her or have anything to do with us. Statements she had writen didn’t make sense. Guess what, we were present and she was a no show. The case was dismiss. I was truly truly upset.My mother and I believed she had forgotten. However, I was able to contact her pychotrist but he didn’t offer much help other than she needs intensive treatment; but how is she going to get this treatment without his help? The problem I’ve her involuntary committed a few times once before but once the doctors evaluates her and if they feel she doesn’t need to in treatment they have the right to release her within 72 hours. There was one time she manipulate them and they released her. Another problem-There’s no contact from the doctor or counselor in treatment facility once she is admitted and she does have the right to consent for a family member to be contacted or not and because she is an adult. It is so much red tape dealing with the HIPPA Law , especially when a person is incompetent. My mother had to go to court last August for my daughter’s involuntary committement into treatment.Daughter became angry and took out court papers on my mother while she was in the treatment facility thinking my mother had her taken there. My mother did not, it was me, her mother. You never know what she will do each week or from day to day because her mood swings and other symptoms she display.It’s a scarcy situation.
My daughter is in denial that she has bipolar and constantly refuses to take her meds. She also has mutiple sclercous. I’m in the process of getting a lawyer to help get some intensive treatment for her.I don’t know what I’ll do if something terrible happens to her. Sometimes, I think the doctors, counselors, judges,etc. don’t know how serious this disorder is until it’s too..oooo Late. Who wants their sympathy then? This is nothing to take lightly or joke around with. It’s a life and death issue. One thing for sure, no matter what, we can’t give up on our love ones even though it can be so frustrating and painful.
My son is going to turn eight-teen in Dec, I am so scared when that day comes. At this moment he is a day treatment(partial) program as part of his discharge from his last episode that put him in the hospital for three weeks. I am at the point were I wish I can turn back the clock and make him a baby again, I can’t stop thinking about that I am going to loose “control” of hime when he turns of age. It kills me to think that he will have the attitude that he is 18 and “no one can tell him what to do” What do I do. I have been his main support since the age of 14 when he was dx with Bipolar, how can I make him realize that he can not shut me out of his life, when he becomes an adult. I am starting to feel lost again, how I first felt when we found out. Sorry just needed to vent.
Silhouette Shannon