Hi,
I hope this day is going well for you.
Guess what?
It’s snowing a ton this morning.
It’s suppose to snow more than a foot.
It’s kind of a pain because that means no hiking for probably two weeks.
I don’t like hiking when there’s tons of snow on the ground.
This has nothing to do with bipolar disorder but I figure I would tell you : )
Okay, let’s move on…
I got this email the other day and wanted to share it with you:
“Dave-
I don’t know what to do anymore. I have so many problems. My husband’s bipolar disorder is out of control. He just keeps doing these things, and I just cnaa’t stand it any more. He won’t listen to me any more, and there’s nothing I can do stop it. Everything he does leads to more and more problems, and I just don’t know anymore where his problems end and mine begin.
I have more problems than I can handle, and I just can’t take it anymore. I’m about to lose my job because he’s caused so many problems for me at work because of his bipolar disorder. He just isn’t getting any better. I don’t even think he’s taking his medication. What am I supposed to do? Georgia.”
Wow. Now, first let me say that I’m not a therapist, so I’m not qualified to give the kind of advice that I think this woman really needs. All I can do is give my opinion, based on the kinds of emails I’ve gotten like this before.
But this woman really does have some problems.
First of all, she says that her husband’s bipolar disorder is out of control. So let’s address that.
That seems to be her major problem.
She says he’s causing her problems, more than she can handle. He’s causing her problems at work. So he’s obvious acting out from his disorder.
She says he isn’t getting any better.
Now here’s the key thing. Why isn’t he getting any better? She then says, “I don’t even think he’s taking his medications.”
There’s where I think the problem really is.
If your loved one isn’t taking their medications, then of course there’s going to be problems.
They’re not going to be following the treatment plan that I talk about in my courses/systems, and how I stress how important that is to the management of their bipolar disorder:
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If they’re not following their treatment plan, they’re not only going to have their own problems, but their problems are going to affect you.
Like Georgia said, “I don’t know where his problems end and mine begin.”
But here’s the thing:
All this woman is talking about is problems and more problems.
And that IS the problem.
And if you’re living in the problem, you’re NOT living in the solution.
In this case, the solution would be for her husband to get back on his medication, follow his treatment plan, and begin managing his bipolar disorder better.
But then she’s got another problem –
She can’t MAKE him do that!
So, again, she has to live in the solution, and not the problem.
So what can she do?
I know another woman who faced the same problem at work, and she was honest with her boss (which was very, very difficult for her, but necessary), and they made it where her husband was not allowed to call or come to see her at work any more.
She worked in a hospital, so her calls were able to be screened, and if he came on site, he was escorted out by security guards.
Now, this was not an easy solution by any means, but it was living in the solution and not the problem. And things got better at work for her, and she was able to keep her job.
The point I’m trying to make is to keep a certain mindset – to live in the solution, and not the problem.
I’m not saying it’s easy, by any means, but you may have to separate yourself from your loved one and make them own up to their own problems, so that their problems don’t become yours, and before you become as overwhelmed and desperate as the woman in this email.
Remember to live in the solution and not in the problem.
Think about what the real problem is, then think of what some solutions to the problem might be.
Like the woman I told you about, she had to take action at her job at the hospital.
The woman in the email is going to have to try to get her husband back on his medication and treatment plan (or, perhaps, take more drastic measures – maybe consider hospitalization).
You might be in the same situation, or similar.
Don’t let your loved one’s problems become your problems.
If they’ve been in an episode and there have been consequences because of what they’ve done in that episode, make them take responsibility for those consequences.
Those consequences are THEIR problems, not yours.
Or if it’s too late, and they have become yours, then go back to the principle of living in the solution and not the problem, and work it out.
I know it may sound too simple. I don’t mean it to. The principle is simple. The working out of it is hard, I know. But it can be done. It must be done, because you have to find a solution to your problems.
You can work this principle with your own problems as well.
Live in the solution, not the problem.
Do you know what I mean? Agree?
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Hi Dave,
I have heard it said that the opposite of stress is resourcefulness. That is to say think of solutions instead of focusing on a problem. When we become stressed it is because either we lose sight of hope that things will get better or we run out of solutions or both. I would suggest to Georgia to find a psychologist that works with supporters of those with bipolar or bipolar survivors. She can then demand that he sees the psychologist with her and put her foot down there. The therapists are trained to find solutions for us. They are trained to think outside the box, which is what we have problems doing sometimes.
There are always solutions, though sometimes they are not apparent. Seeing a psychologist is like asking a professional “Problem Solver” to help you solve you problems, nothing more, nothing less. They are good at solving our problems and helping us to stay in the solution as you suggest.
We with bipolar need to see a psychologist on a regular basis as well at taking medication to keep things from getting out of hand like this. I am happy to report my sister is seeing my psychologist now again too. She stopped resisting help and is asking for it again. That is a great sign. It means she can get better!
But for any and all supporters out there, please don’t feel belittled or like you have a weakness to need to see a psychologist. They are professional problem solvers and can help you help your loved one, even if your loved one won’t go with you, or see them separately… The idea is as Dave said, to find solutions and psychologist are great at this.
Your Buddy,
Bob
Hi Dave and All!
Good Morning!
I completely agree with living in the solution. Never heard it put quite that way but that is excellent advice. Have to really think about this to have it gel. I read people constantly struggling to have their bipolar family member take their medications. Looking for solutions when they refuse. So, what is the solution their? If they refuse? How do they live in a solution in that circumstance; what would be an example of that in that particular situation? I have a bp sibling who refuses to take medications. His behavior is off the wall. What is the solution for myself and my concerned family?
One solution I thought of was to make him accountable for his own actions. He doesn’t do that and runs away at every opportunity. Part of it’s the bipolar but it’s also who he “is”. Or what he is, which is irresponsible to the hilt. I wish things were different, but they remain the same. He constantly goes to my mom for bailouts and she usually does bail him out, but she needs to provide some tough love, to show him he’s got to be responsible.
Now, I’m going off on this, but I’ve been thinking about him and am concerned he’ll never get with the program.
Have a great day everyone!
I feel for the lady in the email. She does need to make a decision and soon. You see I have some of the same problems and I have been married for 21 years and sometimes I get so depressed i just want hide myself in a room and write down my feelings and of course I also pray to GOD for streangth. this helps me get a better perspective on myself. I also work in the yard or do anything to keep myself busy. It may seem as though i am covering up the problem but actually i am trying to keep from letting his problems get me down. I have a poem I would like to share with the readers and the lady that wrote the email.
Life Is Too Hard
Dedicated to Jessie Mae McFarland
Day by Day you never know, which way your life might go
Ups and Downs keep hanging around
but you pick yourself up, hoping not to fall back down.
Life is too hard so we say, but only you know what HE
will say!
I know all of heavens heard me cry
sometimes not even knowing the reasons why
Life is too hard for the world is a mess, each day
that brings bad news is just a test.
Life is too hard I know for a fact I live with pain
without looking back
I keep going forward the only way to go
I keep hanging on to what I don’t know!
I know there are angels all around me,
how this astounds me! I know I am Blessed even though
Life is too hard I know.
Sherry Jean Stansel
Copyright ©2009 Sherry Jean Stansel
HI…
Thats the best imformation I,v had and the only,My head has been saying it but i think I just needed some one eles
to say it.But its hard when your in the situation.And no one to turn to.
Take Care Linda
This sounds just like my situation, but I don’t work anymore. He made me quit my job. We are in financial crisis, our marriage is on the rocks, and he is in denial that he even has bi-polar. He was diagnosed with some thing similar a year ago, but never took his meds. I have another appt. for him this week. He just keeps saying that “when I prove you all (me and the kids) wrong, I never want to hear another word about it”. I have done so much research on this and have 2 pages of symptoms to show his new doctor. I have found several of your letters very helpful. I printed the “God grant me the serenity….” prayer out and posted it on the fridge.
I have been with my husband for 15 years and maried to him for 12. I suspect after all these years that he has bipolar disorder. I beacame aware of bipolar when after leaving myself and our young three times in the space of two years and trying to take his life when I was five months pregnant. I realised there was a pattern in his behaviour he would become really excited about life, make great plans about what we would do together, tell me that he worshipped the ground I walked on (I did not feel comfortable with this, he wanted to start a family, was doing well at work, loved my family and the background I had which was very family orientated with lots of gatherings. We both like politics and the arts and would spend hours talking and going to the theatre. He was very demonstrative of his love and caring.He became a Christian.
Then he would change. Whenever he spent a lot of time with his mother, who he is literally frightened of, he would become literally the opposite of everything I have listed above. I did not see it clearly when we started dating I think this was becuase he would disappear; he was still living with his mother when I met him, he was 26 years old and working as a teacher. When I say disappear he would stay in with his mum for days and disconnect the phone. He would then re-emerge and be so apologetic and tell me how his mother is putting pressure on him to stop seeing me. This was true but I kept telling him that he did not need to keep living with her. He would agree at times but then at other times after telling me how awful his mum had treated him as a child and this had continued into adult life would attack me verbally saying that I hated his mother and that I was making her sick.
The fact we are still married is a miracle. She vehemently dislikes me and our daughter. I was advised to take out a restraining order. She can be verbally and physically violent and creates situations, has written horrible letters and made the most horrendous phone calls – her language is atrocious.When her behaviour is bad I can tell because my husband’s is also bad in that he goes into rages, and is unfaithful. He has had one affair that he has told me about but will disappear now when he wants telling me that he is seeing his mum but I know this is not always true. But he comes back home all sweetness telling me how much he has missed us but I know he has not seen his mum; this weekend being an example. Our daughter screams and cries when he goes away because she is always scared he will not return. He is like a Jekyll and Hyde character and and no one would ever believe me if they met him. I have read a lot about bi-polar and it was a clinical psychologist who said that maybe my husband had this disorder, but of course could not give a definitive diagnosis without meeting and examining him.
I am blamed for everything even his suicide attempt which he said he did because his mother could not get along with me. When I met him he spoke a lot about taking his life because of his mother’s behaviour, when I reminded him of this saying that it is not right to keep talking about suicide he said that I was brought up far too sheltered.His mum told him that she would never have the guts to take his life.
I could go on and on. Life for me is unbearable. He lectures in psychology and told his mum recently that she should not take tablets for depression. I am frightened to say anything to him. I just want to leave.
We’ve been receiving and viewing the messages you send on a daily basis. I have bipolar disorder. I take my meds as prescribed. My husband asks me almost everyday if I’ve taken my meds and checks the weekly with daily pill box dosages we have prepared for me. Note: the WE in the statement. He has lived with other individuals that suffer from bipolar disorder throughout his life. At least one does not take her meds as prescribed because she enjoys drinking.
We’ve come to the conclusion the only thing you want to do is sell your Program on Dealing with Bipolar. My psychiatrist has come to virtually the same conclusion. He admits there are a few good points in the messages but they only serve to interest individuals in your Program. There’s no new information that we can glean from your messages. Such as how to deal with the problem during the times when meds are being changed because they no longer help the problem (as long as 4 weeks). My meds have been changed many times because I’ve developed a tolerance or the meds did not deal with the problem. Yes, some combinations DO NOT handle the problem or make the problem worse.
Since the messages are of no help, we will be canceling our subscription to your newsletter. Spending time with my dogs and caring for them is as good as the information in your messages. From the comments I’ve read, it appears you are getting many individuals to try and purchase your program. You don’t need us to increase your pocket money.
Good luck in the future,
Liz
David, Do you have a snail mail address? I’d like to make a comment, but for your eyes only….not the world at large.
I’s hard living as part of the solution instead of the problem, when there are so many “problems” going around. I can empathize with this woman, because I am literally OVERWHELMED with problems.
My shrink upped the dosage of my antipsychotic (which has helped immensely), but also, because I asked her to, prescribed an anticonvulsive that I “thought” I needed because of some tremors that appeared out of nowhere. Unfortunately, the antispasmodic makes me sleepy, and I CAN’T function on it. I can’t call and tell her TODAY (snow storm closed the facility), but I did NOT take it today. I’m hoping to get back to where I was without it.
I ordered at least 2 of your courses, but haven’t even opened them yet. The booklet on how to make money while being on disability, did not help as much as I thought it would. I am trying, on my own, to get into freelance writing and promoting websites in another program. However, I CAN’T get motivated to go on my sites. I don’t know if I’m scared of success or failure. I’ve been turned down 3 times with my proposals, and maybe that’s what’s keeping me from continuing. “Failure” is a great motivator 🙁
Just FYI, I DON’T think you are part of a “drug cartel;” you’re just telling it like it IS about taking our meds; without them, the manic “highs” come, then we crash and become suicidal. That’s what causes such destruction in a bipolar person’s life. However, I’ve had manic episodes while I was ON my meds, so go figure…
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
Hi Dave,
We have a 14 year old son with bipolar disorder. We have been on a long journey with him, and after three hospitalizations, are now trying to live in the solution, as you say. In addition to his psychiatrist, we have lucked into a very good cognitive behavioral therapist. As a family we’re trying to change some enabling patterns. Things are better, even though we are homeschooling him now. School was a major trigger, he’s calmer and more productive now. Your daily emails are great; it seems uncanny at times how relevant your comments are. Thanks.
Hi Dave:
Yes, I agree with your solutions 100% and I’m really near to being a therapist. I really like some of your solutions for her. Some suggestions for her would be self care. It sounds like she has to learn how to take care of number 1 her self. If I allow my son’s problems to overwhelm me then they become mine also. My guilt in this area still haughts me somewhat. If you recall my son was diagnosed bipolar 1, he feels it was drug induced, anyway he is not taken his medication and seems to be handling himself quite well. John is waiting a bed at a facility for rehab, he made the decision himself while waiting to go back to jail. His girlfriend who moved into our house has finally recieved a bed at Nexus recovery (I hope this is true). So it is probably my impression that he will want rehab evern more now. So part of my solution is too continue to pray for my son’s recovery. I was in the process of taken the comforts of home away from John and still feel this could be part of the solution. This will allow him to learn the harsh consequences of life. This solution will work in time but currently while he is waiting for a bed somewhere I feel hurt because this seems to be a lack of support. I rented this movie called “finding home”. This stories ending made me see my selfish ways, of wanting to take away John’s car of which I’m paying for along with insurance that is killing me financially. Anyway the end of this movie went back to the bible and explained about how love is never boostfull, greedy, hatefull but instead is forgiven, kind and always caring. This woman in the movie used her own resources (memory) to solve her problems she finally put the pieces of her puzzle all together. This movie I will recommend for anyone struggling with broken memories and homes. PS: I have this new blog I left the address with my web address. Please if you have time be a blogger? I finally gave up and made me a free blog site. Ha Ha. Sorry for such a long response.
Martin
WoW! you hit the nail right on the head. Live for solutions. goes back to practising positive thinking, moving forward, and making a change for the good of your life, you are number one and all that good stuff, know when to hold up and know when to fold em, know when to walk away and Know when to run as Kenny Rodgers ays in his song! No one like to share personal stuff with the Bosses but helping out co workers and staff are what flex time, call screen, health plans and crisis support are what good employers are all about!
Keep it positive!:) Eileen
Dear Dave,
Thanks for all your words, they have helped me so much over the last couple of days , loneliness and lack of support and validation for how one feels is very important to one’s own sanity. Thankyou for fullfilling
these needs. As a supporter of a young Adult (Female),
I need to look after myself so I can look after her. In
Australia , we need more help with understanding and dealing with mental health issues , I guess the world is a small place after all, when I recieve help from you Dave and all your other supporters. Thank you everyone.
COMMENT 8 LIZ;
Liz Hit the Nail on the head, and fancy her Psych. agreeing?
DAVE;
I did not read it all.
OK firstly if the poor Guy stopped the “medication” too suddenly, an “episode” quite shure to follow. A WHITHDRAWAL. As the “meds” shut the Brain Down, Damage it… As an Alcoholic whithout a Drink bad things happen…
I don’t see why these Women don’t just leave?
She does not like it, he as he has a right to do in America does not take the TOXIC, Deceribration Chemicals.
Each to his own… Live & let Live.
DAVE;
How much do you believe the parents are at fault?
They have their Children “diagnosed” so as they can say it’s NOT their doing?
I see it all te time.
Children behaive as Pets, the same way they have been allowed, and diciplined to.
Exception perhaps Autisim?
I see Child psych. diagnosis as a cop out.
Do they ever look for tha Cause?
Heavy Metal Poisioning……
JUKIE;
School is SO boring, why is it they think one must do or hear the exact same thing Thousands of times to Learn it?
It’s so tourtuous it’s of detrement to Learning. Hence many BP Genisus don’t go to School…..
Or they attened spasmoticaly. And of course there switched off. Meds unplug us….
COMMENT 12 MARTIN;
You mention Prayer, & the Bible. You cannot believe in God etc and psych. The purpose of psych is to remove the soul…
And to think you state you’re almost a psyco. Must be you know Zip.
I agree with your Son, the disorder is Entirly Iatrogenic due to Polypharmacy.
I was drugged into a Coma for a Week,Zyprexa & Unknown FORCE injections! Then told I was BP.
The Coma continued for 4 Years, now I have some “type 2” symtoms.
The Drugs & all other “treatments” CAUSE Brain Damage, The Cerebrium, Left Frontal Cortex, Hippocampi….
Damage to these parts CAUSES the signs stated in the DSM.
Where is your Blog?
SUZANNE;
I don’t know how you do it.
I could not even read on 2mg of Respirodone & 2000mg Lithium.
Where you on Lithium?
Only asking as Tremmour is a shure Sign of Overdose,That and a Dry Mouth. I knew as I read “The Lithium Users Handbook.”
I had Tremour on 2000mg, my quack wanted to put me on Eppilium also for thr tremmour, same as psych. NEVER treat the Cause.
I lowered it to 1250mg tremour gone, I am now down to just 250mg Lithium.
I read a Minute dose protects the Brain. How much is Minute?
JOAN;
Your sibling must be doing Fine, or he would be locked up somewhere.
VALERIE;
The DSM Lists SO many behaviours ALL could be “diagnosed.”
Hostility, Naging will get anyone up, or you will need chech his Pulse.
None ever say they pray for psychiatrists.
OK I will pray for these poor lost Souls.