Hi,
How’s it going today?
I got this email the other day:
“I think I’m going crazy. Half the time my wife is in a good mood, but the other half the time she’s yelling and angry at me, and I don’t know what I did to deserve it. Either that, or she’s ignoring me, and sulking like a baby. I’m so tired of trying to figure her out! But at the same time, I love her, and wouldn’t even think of leaving her. I just wish I could help her in some way. I hate to see her so depressed, but I hate when we fight, too, especially when I don’t know what it’s about. I’m so confused, because she doesn’t seem to act this way around anyone else but me. I just wish she’d be in a good mood all the time. Do you think I’m being selfish?”
————————————————-
Well, I’m not a psychiatrist or therapist, or any other kind of doctor or mental health professional, like I always say, so I can’t begin to counsel this man professionally.
All I can do is give my personal opinion.
But it sure does seem like he’s struggling with his wife and her bipolar disorder, doesn’t it?
Worse yet, it seems like she’s struggling with it herself. If she were more stable, she wouldn’t be showing these signs and symptoms, like the anger and other acting out behavior her husband described (moodiness, etc.).
In my courses/systems, I give the signs and symptoms of both bipolar depression and mania:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
First, let’s talk about the signs of bipolar mania.
Many people think it’s about being excessively happy. But that’s not always the case.
It can also mean increased irritability, anger, agitation, etc.
In this case, I would say that fighting with her husband, especially when it seems to be for no good reason, is a good indication of that.
However, she is also showing signs of depression as well.
What he says about “ignoring me, and sulking like a baby,” could be just plain old depression.
He even says, “I hate to see her so depressed.”
So there may be other signs of depression that this man is not describing in his email to me as well.
He says, “I’m so tired of trying to figure her out!”
As a supporter, you may be feeling the same way.
It is hard to “figure out” bipolar disorder.
Even your loved one, when asked what is wrong, may only be able to tell you, “Nothing’s wrong.”
They may not be able to figure it out any better than you can sometimes!
He says that she only acts this way around him.
Well, that could be because sometimes people with bipolar disorder act like they’re wearing a mask around other people, afraid of what they’d think of them (the person with bipolar disorder) if they really knew how the person was thinking or feeling.
But when they get home, they drop that mask, and they trust their supporter, so their true thoughts and feelings come out (sometimes in a negative way).
This man says, “I just wish she’d be in a good mood all the time.”
I know that when I was living with my mom, and she was yelling at me all the time, I sure felt the same way.
I wanted her to be “normal.”
I thought every other mom was happy all the time.
But my friend, no one is in a good mood all the time, whether they have bipolar disorder or not.
Are YOU in a good mood all the time?
Then how can you expect your loved one to be?
Finally, this man in the email asks, “Do you think I’m being selfish?”
Well, I have my own opinions, but…
What do YOU think?
Do you think this man is being selfish?
David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post responses below
I think this man is just speaking his heart felt desire that his wife be more stable. I think his desire for stability is normal–maybe selfish but shouldn’t we all be a little selfish about our lives? Isn’t it ok to want stability? It’s not good for life to be a roller coaster and have no control over the ride.
I don’t think he’s being selfish. Bipolar Disorder is very hard to deal with. Anyone who is a bipolar supporter feels the same way sometimes. Sometimes when people are faced with frustrating situations (not just bipolar disorder) they need to talk a break from it. Step back and get a fresh look at it….Just my unprofessional opinion.
It seems like a lot of people are having to deal with anger and rage from a loved one who suffers with bipolar. At least they are showing some type of emotion. I have a niece who enters a “zombie” phase every few months. She lays in bed for weeks at a time, not talking or wanting to be around people. She stops eating and drinking fluids and stops taking all her medicines. After two to three weeks of this behavor we have to force her to go into the hospital just to save her life. She has had twelve shock treatments in six months. They seem to be a quick fix but last only a couple of months before she retreats back to her bed and her zombie state. It’s like living with a living corpse. So, at least be thankful if your loved one is showing some type of emotion and still acting alive. Believe me, it could be a lot worse! I know.
I don’t think he’s being selfish, it can be very frustrating living with someone with bi-polar, sometimes you feel like running away and never looking back and then you feel guilt for even thinking it because it is an illness like any other, I have’nt left my husbands side for four years and there are days thats almost unbearable and days that are perfectly normal. You have to accept the fact thats things are the way they are, take the good with the bad.
Hi Dave,
I’m a new person in reference to your e-mails,I had a friend to refer me to this site. In reference to the man being selfish, number one this man needs to stop trying to figure out his wife. Number 2 If he thinks she is depressed then she probably is. Sometimes her behavior is a way to get more of his attention. Has he ever tried being more loving.! In most cases most men are selfish. Not to say that this is pointed out to you Dave. In all of the relations ships that I have had it is all about what the male wants wheather it be stereo equipment,cars,house,friends, its all about them.
carla
Hi
No David, I do not think the man is selfish, it is very difficult living and loving a bipolar person, and also very rewarding too.
My wife to be is bipolar, very stable because she follows all the advise of her doctor, phychiatrist, and counsellor, she takes her medicines without fault, and knows and does avoid stressful situations, and yet now and then she goes into a mild episode, I have learned to see the signs and my reaction seems also to work.
All I do when I see she is strange and changing her mood, is to bring calm into the situation and avoid confrontation, it is not easy as one feels that one has not done anything wrong for the other person to be like that, but it is up to us the “supporters” to climb down and understand that the person is not doing it on purpose but because of the illness, I am lucky that at present I am still in Spain awaiting my Fiancee visa to come to USA and get married, my wife to be was very honest and told me about her condition the same day that we met, I knew other people that were bipolar so I was not shocked about it, and I know (and it is working) that with love, understanding and a lot of patience it can work.
So the gentleman must understand that her behaviour is not personal against him and remember the letter of the song “You always hurt the one you love”.
Selfish no, human yes. We all want our most important relationships to be good most, if not all the time. I know I do. If he’s on your site and getting these emails, then bipolar is what he’s probably dealing with. If she isn’t in treatment, then she won’t be stable!!
I don’t think he’s being selfish, I think he is probably mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. Unless you have dealt with someone with bi-polar you cant understand. My daughter has just been diagnosed at age 30. She thinks she has had this she was a teen and it has worsened over time, a catch 22, causing her to loose jobs, relationships, financial ruin, hers and mine, effecting her children and all this in turn makes her worse. I am the one who gets her anger, as well as her children. At a time when there is probably light at the end of the tunnel if we can find proper medication (we’re being told it can take several medication changes, she is on the 4th, and months) I find that I am in no shape to deal with her anymore or help her. I am exhausted, depressed, and just can’t deal.
Exhausted Mom
I don’t think he’s selfish- he’s venting. Now is the time for action though. Get some good friends who you can trust and learn all you can about the disorder, etc. Trust God and trust in yourself and life will take on a new meaning. You will be helping yourself and your wife.
NO DAVIE…..
No body is all ways in a good mood its all down to the stress of life. But owe man some people dont no ow to crack a smile. you no all ways thinking negative. tryyyyy
to laugh things off. I no its hard to when your feelings over power you.
Take Care Linda. x
No I do not think hes being selfish.Exausted yes.I too have the same feelings and lots of questions for 2 years now I have been dealing with my husbands more severe episodes.We work together and we having 3 children by different marriages and he will go days to weeks without speaking to me or my children for no reason but will go to work and talk to everyone else as if hes fine.Simply when life happens he can’t deal with it because it is a stressful situation he would rather just go into a silent mode than to just face it and deal with it.I try to help him not to have to deal with the stress but there are things I have no control over ex. if the washing machine stops working or the stop light won’t change to green quick enough.He is taking his meds on regular basis and he goes to therapy evry other week and he still has episodes but they are not as frequent as they were when he wasn’t on meds.So I know what he feeling and it is very hard to be patient over and over again because you feel like you have no one on your side to support you while you’re going through this ride.
I dont believe that this man is being selfish at all. I went through the same thing with my husband.I waited and did everthing i could, but it only left me exhausted.I loved my husband. We have a son together,but i decided that i had to love my son and myself more. He refused help. I cried out to his family to please help. I saw him getting worse and i wanted them to help me to help him, but they lived in denial. I finally left, exhausted and deppressed. It has been 2 years and i realized how i had dragged myself down, while trying to help him. I was the one who now needed help. I got on anti-depressants and i am a lot better. It has been a struggle being something i never wanted to become, a single parent. I lost my job in november and i struggle. But i can honestly say that i am a lot happier.i dont regret leaving, because i had to save myself and my son. i go to court on monday for my divorce. It is not fair for me to be stuck and not able to move on.He lives with his parents and they now see his sickness. he still is not stable and i am grateful i no longer have to live with it.I do pray that he gets better. my son deserves stability and i am grateful he has at least one parent that gives that to him.
i think we do not have enough information. It is possible that he is not cluing us in as to what he is doing to provoke her, or to what she might be reacting to. It might not be a bipolar thing at all. Being her spouse and supposedly her closest person, one would hope she would expose her feelings and needs to him and so the real question is why is he surprised? what did he sign up for? that is marriage? he is the custodian of her feelings as is she of his. Inadvertently he may be sending her emails that set her off without realizing it. Also, he is a guy. Sometimes guys just interpret things differently ala John Gray Venus and Mars. Cave men….that whole deal. I know recently I had an issue with my father who is an attorney and the next day he wrote that he hoped i was FEELING BETTER i could not believe it. it was not a feeling issue. my mother agreed with me. it was a “this is something that needs to get done and i am the boss issue”. sometimes guys just perceive things differently. It is not always about bipolar and we make a huge mistake to try to make it as such, then we may miss the message and a growing opportunity for the other party who actually may be part of the issue and may not be as stable as they think.
other thoughts I have include that he does not really know what she is like around other people as I suspect he is not around her l00% of the time she is with other people, and hopefully not. Hopefully she has time alone with others. Hopefully he also has a life of his own. This leads me to another thought. If he has hobbies or friends of his own what she does will not bother him as much.
Also, his take on what is happening might be reflective of what job he has. For example, attorneys tend to reword things, which may or may not reflect the situation accurately, and a computer person may see a situation a certain way, some may see it more globally and others more in terms of smaller bites, not necessarily all the parts impacting the others. That might be useful in assessing what is going on, is it her, him or them, bipolar or not, or simply job related or social. is he selfish or not? who knows. maybe they should just talk.
Its a realyy good possibility that its the bi-polar disorder they are dealing with ,but not everything is due to that and personnaly I find that its an excuse for obnoxious behavior.No he is not selfish,she is for not trying to help save her marriage.
I do not think the man is being selfish, because I AM BIPOLAR and you know what, I have the same questions and wishes he has, and his wife probably does too.
I think he needs to be more patient and helpful if he can, as she can not help being this way.
I myself absoluely hate it, and luckily am not married to where my husband would have to put up with it, but if I was with some one I would hope for their help and understanding.
I am bipolar, and my son and husband have asked me not to use the illness for an abusive attitude. They are no selfish, they are just marking the limits we all need to attain a balanced life. Meds and therapy are fine, but there are other ways to improve, like a more spiritual life, meditating and music.
No, I don’t think he is being selfish. I myself suffer from bipolar and wish myself that I was in a better mood most of the time. As this man wrote about how his wife is only like that around him, I think that is normal because now that I think about that I am the same way. This man is not being selfish what so ever, he is just wanting things to work out with his wife and him.
I dont htink he’s being selfish. As both a supporter of a relative who has bipolar and having bipolar myself, you have to know when to self care and take a break. Because he feels that his partners moods are only directly with him, he need to not feed into her mania by questions about why.. for right now. anger can be transfered so easily in a verbal fight. She may not evn know why she s angry or depressed and Irritation? well we all know how easy it is to let little things irritate you when you havce a bigger issue. My best advice is to maintain as much as possible a normal balance and schedule. Much patience is required.
DAVE, The very fact that this man thinks he may be selfish means that he is not. Selfish people do not know they are being selfish. This man is just very concerned about his wife. He may not have learned much about bipolar yet. I know it takes a lot of love, patience and understanding to deal with someone’s bipolar. I am sure he can benefit from your emails and mini course, as well as learn from other people’s experiences on this blog.
No, I do not think he is being selfish, but I do believe he needs to set some agreed upon boundaries and signals he can use to alert her that she is behaving ???He needs to determine these with her when she is mellow and communicating.
Also, he may need to consider counseling for himself where he can get guidance and validation.
I have been married only 2.5 years to a similarly behaved man and next week start counseling for myself – I found I was beginning to imitate his behavior and reflect his behavior upon himself and that will go nowhere quckly.
I also am exhausted. Appreciate the suggestions shared.
No, of course he’s not selfish, but I do hope sincerely that he is ‘self-centred’ and there is a big difference.
Being a supporter is a selfless, draining never ending story. It starts the day you commit to being a supporter – you are never sure what the ending could be – but the middle bit can seem neverending and frankly quite relentless! Do be Self centred and take good care of yourself, your emotional and physical well being. Be self centred – nuture yourself, because if you are the elastic holding the whole situation together – what happens to your loved one when the elastic band breaks.
My support and empathy to you all.
This man is confused, hurt, frustrated and upset as any supporter would and should be.
It is almost “sweet” of him to think he is being selfish.
It sounds like he cares about his wife very much.
Maybe the wife is not receiving the help she needs and in these bipolar moments they are both at their wits end.
This man is totally selfish in the respect that he wants his wife to be happy all the time. This is an irritant to me because my now ex-husband thought the same thing about me. He didn’t support me whatsoever, he was always there to give advice, but not there to find out how to help me. He blamed me for everything that went wrong in our marriage, his own family did the same to me a well. Our friends stopped inviting us to get togethers, he told me because “I scared them”, I never displayed any violent actions. Of course he never defended me either. I am so thank-full that I am stable now, and no longer associate with his so called friends. I am also thank-full for this blog and the ability to express my opinion. Thanks Dave
Dave, I have been receiving emails from you for some time now, and have greatly benefited from all your information and blogs as a supporter of a love one with bipolar. This recent email from the man on being selfish or not, appears as a chapter out of my life with my wife, for I am dealing with the same situation. My wife doesn’t think anything is wrong and will not seek help. All the responses to this man’s email reaffirm that my wife is really suffering with bipolar and possibly borderline personality disorder. It has gotten to the point where I am afraid to leave her along too long with my daughter fearing an episode while I’m away. My young daughter has shown signs of bipolar as well, and for them to go through an episode at the same time is not pretty. I am seriously thinking about giving my wife a copy of these responses to see if she could identify with herself and seek the needed help. (CAN ANYONE COMMENT ON THIS IDEA) It is the love of my family together with the insight I received from you that has kept me in my marriage. Thank you for all you do.
Henry
First of all, Dave, thank you for all the helpful information. Secondly, I dont think he is being selfish b/c living with a person who is bipolar can be very difficult and draining. You need to protect your health and your family’s health. My suggestion if possible is to get her to see a therapist and get the right kind of medication for her.
Peace,
Filiz
I don’t think he is being selfish. There is a chance her meds are wrong or her doctor should be changed, A good doctor is a huge help. A good therapist is also a helpful. I fired her therpist she wasn’t helping so much any more. I have a bipolar 2 wife and she has tried killing herself twice so far and that is VERY tough to deal with. I do love her very much and like this man I would never leave her. I have been there in the situation more times than I could ever want. Now she is “stable” but she is low functioning and other than her 3 days at work any housework is minimal and is usually sleeping most of the rest of the time. I try to keep the house up and sometimes its easier than others. My children are 29,23,and 18. They try to help. He does have my sympathy and prayers.
selfish, stuborn, moaner, stamps is feet,
This man is so unselfish!
I have known my husband for twenty odd years and have been married for eleven.
please someone help me with feed back.
He is very rarely in a good mood- again I read that He is fine around his friends.
He has withdrawn from me emotionally, financially and socially.
He goes through periods of mania- in all situations- then sleeps periodically for days.
Has recently retired and travels alot by himself.
Plays alot of golf and is becomming totally irresponsible
I do not think that this man is selfish at all. I actually am having the same problems with my husband. He takes his meds but they do not seem to helping him. I do not think that they are adjusted right. But I can not get the doctor to pay attention to me. He asks my husband how things are going and my husband says “great” when they are no where even okay. It is really draining and exhausting. He is not stable and I have know idea what to do.
HI Dave, i’ve heard such good opinions,I don’t realy
feel he need any more,but I’ll say this,Idon’t feel he’s
being selfish I feel he’s needing to exspress himself
and hoping in doing so he’ll get some kind of support and/or strength to make it another day.I say one day at a time,sometime one hour,minute or second and thank GOD for it.
I don’t believe this man is selfish. I believe he is weary and frustrated. There is no vacation from bipolar. I give him a lot of credit.
No, I believe this man is not being selfish. I feel for him. If his marriage is worth the hard work to him, if he truly loves his wife, if he desperately wants to help her, if he genuinely desires to live with her the rest of his life, then he will keep seeking help and knowledge from David. I did. I still do. A support group might help him if he tried. Reading every other day on the subject might help. My therapist, my medications, and David Oliver all collectively help me to stabilize my moods and to learn so much of my borderline personality disorder. Which leads me to the question, David. Please start up an email response AND blog for us borderline’s, PLEASE!
no he is not being selfish i have a son who is bipolar
and it is very hard sometimes to understand what they go through
I am not saying this man is selfish and since I don’t know the man who can say for sure. But as Dave said even people without bipolar can be in a bad mood and take it out on other people.
My supporter is a very negative person. He thinks he is a positive person because he doesn’t get depressed, has a lot of friends and is always on the go. But all you have to do is ask his children, they will tell you just how negative he is, they even have a nickname for him. He blames everyone else for his problems even when there is no one to blame and if you disagree with him you are an idiot. He throws a fit when he doesn’t get what he wants but in front of outsiders he’s an angel and they think he is wonderful.
So the supporter might have to check his own behavior. I have been in therapy and told that I am the one that needs to set boundaries with the non-bipolar supporter. So I do get a little tired of hearing how hard we are to live with. yes, I get depressed, cry and in a bad mood at times and he wonders if I am mad at him but he also doesn’t seem to see how he contributes to the stress. I have to listen to all of his problems but I rarely tell him mine because he just walks away. Just realize it might not always be as it seems when a supporter complains. Mine too thinks I should always have a smile on my face even when he has a scowl on his.
Hi, I have been struggling with my bi-polar sister for years now. She refuses to take her meds properly. She is a big fat cow bully. I wish she would disappear and I am so sick of her and her stupid retarded ass. I’ve had. Nobody can stand her. Our father (who she lived with) just died and now I have inherited her. I just signed committment papers on her yesterday and wish I could make them give her a frontal labotomy. She is a bully. Always cussing and screaming and everyone is afraid of her. I found out that she purchased a gun because now she has to live alone. I afraid she could shoot us if we go over to the house. My little brother is going to try to go over and find the gun(It is a .38) I told my daughters to stay away from her and we lock our doors always because you never know about her she is so insane. After the funeral, she said she was too tired to jion the family and was going home to sleep. Well, she traveled two hours to the city where ur father was hospitalized to see him. When he wasn’t in his room she started screaming at the staff. They excorte her out. They gave her a grief counseling card and called me. I do feel sorry for her but she won’t do what the doctors say. She has no insurance and it will cost $10,000 for this week at the hospital to try to make her half ass normal until the next”Episode”. I am sick to death of her as we all have become. She is an exhausting miserable soul. She is trying to destroy us all.
Thanks,
pamsucks