Hi, how’s it going? I hope you’re having a good day.
I was talking to this guy at the gym the other day, and it really affected me. We were talking about the economy. He believes that everything is going to be fine, like, tomorrow or next month.
Well, I read the news and expert opinions all the time on all kinds of things, so I know that’s not true. So I told him so. He got really mad, and started to defend his position. I, of course, defended mine.
Well, guess what happened?
Nothing.
Nothing happened.
Nothing was accomplished.
He couldn’t change my mind, and I couldn’t change his. It was a total waste of time.
Your loved one may have told you some things that you don’t agree with, but fighting about it would be a waste of your time, too. It would help if you try to see things from their point of view.
For example, if they say that you never listen to them, you better really hear that, because they’re
saying a lot there. They could be feeling neglected, frustrated, angry, anxious, stressed, or any number of negative feelings that, if not taken care of, can put them into a bipolar episode.
So you really have to try to see their point of view.
First of all, reflect back to them what they have said to you – this shows that you’re actively listening.
For instance, you can say: “I hear that you feel like I never listen to you, but can you give me
some examples?” Then it is their responsibility to give you specifics. Then examine the specifics. Ask yourself if you really do all these things? Again try to see it from their point of
view.
Like, say they say that whenever they try to talk to you, you keep staring at the TV. So you examine it, and see that it is true. Then from now on, when they talk to you, turn to face them. This shows that you are actively listening.
You need to develop this habit. Because otherwise they could go into an episode because you didn’t heed the warning when they were trying to tell you.
Your loved one may be stable today, but you need to always be on guard for an episode anyway. Sometimes they can come out of seemingly nowhere.
The point is, always try to see your loved one’s point of view. Don’t waste your time arguing
about it, when there may be something you can do to fix the problem.
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
I had the “watching TV all the time” given to me by my bi-polar. Although I do watch the news and one specific 1/2 hour soapy on weekdays, it certainly isn’t “all the time”. We had a discussion and came to an agreement – I would stop what I was doing (cooking, laundry, etc.) and look at him when he spoke, and he would not expect my attention while I was watching my two programs. This was all within reason – if I was in the middle of rescuing burning sausages, I would rescue first them listen; if he was feeling extremely anxious, I would listen first. So far, it’s working well. I do have to remind him every now and again (we have our own ‘sign language’ for some things) but there haven’t been any more tantrums during TV time.
Dear Dave,
I do agree with what is the use of arguing a point of view that you don’t agree with… I am a supporter, and life is a struggle he is a 17 year old male and I am the step mom…. Double negative…Anyway I have been mentally and physically abused by him for eleven years now. Thankfully now he is considered an adult and can be put in prison for assulting me or anyone else again. I do deep down love this child, I feel sad for him because I have done my homework. I understand his confusing life and I have tried for all this time to forgive and let it go because of his illness… But for anyone who knows or don’t know physical violence is against the law and being bi-polar don’t give you the right to hit or destroy property. I wish I would have been stronger in his younger years because I feel that maybe being held responsible for his actions may have been a better help for him now. I don’t know and I won’t speculate. But it is a waste of time to argue… Just let them talk and listen to what is important to listen to, ignore the horrible nasty things they may say because deep down they really don’t mean it. They could be just be feeling frustrated with their own thoughts and abilitys. It has taken me a very long time to learn this. I wish there was a pill for this sort of thing… it is very emotionally draining for anyone.
I am not sure what to agree with. I would love to listen to my loved one talk, about anything, but the problem is that she sleeps or stays in bed all of the time. If I want to spend time with her , I have to go to bed. There is always something wrong with her physically, she is never well. what hurts me is that she will get up once in a while and talk to our neighbor or go to the store with her, she won’t go anywhere but to the doc with me. I feel so sad, all alone,anxious and pretty much ready to leave her. I feel like I am going crazy. Thanks for reading. Roger
Hi Dave,
youve just described in detail what happened to me and my daughter over Easter. Every single discussion we tried to have about – even the weather – ended up in a battle. And no matter what Rachel was going to disagree with me and I was going to fall into the trap of rising to the bait, and placating her by agreeing with her was not the way, she just sees that as a patronising gesture.
So after a fruitless morning of bickering I plonked myself down on the couch and thought this dilemma out with myself. First of all I had to figure out my side. We were arguing over nothing.I was anxious about my return to work fulltime,so I wasnt really concentrating on what Rachel was saying and how she was saying it. So I stopped myself at the beginning of the next discussion and waited and looked at Rachel – and figured maybe something else was going on. It was then Rachel, noting my sudden attention to what she was saying , came out with “I don’t know what it is mum but I’m feeling very anxious and have been feeling like this for a while.
I was a little stunned Rachel doesn’t reveal too many details of her current condition much.
I told Rachel of my own anxiety over my new job so she could work out the reason why I was distracted
So she began to self monitor this anxiety ,she decided that since everything in her world right now was pretty stable and ongoing- this mood must be a prevailing Bipolar one and there she didnt really have to search for a reason for her being anxious then, she would just have to carry on with her normal day until it went away. Rachel also revealed to me then that she had slowly come to realise over the last six months that these mood swings have been with her since she was small and I felt so much in my heart, for my daughter. She had been alone with her depression since she was little and I didn’t know I had been too busy to notice.
At that moment a lot of things fell into place for me.
Sometimes I have figured arguing with me , for Rachel, is a way of getting my attention.
every day I learn so much more
Regards
Shona