Hi,
You know, there are two kinds of love: Conditional love and unconditional love.
I want to use two case histories to illustrate my point today (but not their real names). See if you can spot the differences.
John and Mary are married, and Mary has bipolar disorder. Whenever Mary “behaves,” (as John calls it), in other words, when Mary is not in a bipolar episode or has no bipolar symptoms or behavior, John treats her well. He does things with her, he takes her out to dinner, they do things with friends and family, he buys her presents, he talks nice to her, etc.
But when Mary is in an episode, or shows bipolar symptoms or behavior, John doesn’t treat her well at all. Like when Mary is depressed, John tells her to “snap out of it,” or says, “You could
be happy if you really wanted to be.”
If Mary goes manic and spends too much money, John screams and yells at her for doing so, and even sometimes calls her names. No more presents, no more dinners, no more time with friends
and family, no more comfortable alone time, either. There is tension between them all the time, and they fight all the time, usually about trivial things.
Then when Mary is better again, John goes back to treating her nice again. Because of this, Mary cannot seem to stay stable with her bipolar disorder.
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Jill and George are married, too, and George has bipolar disorder. To Jill, it doesn’t matter if George is in a bipolar episode or showing symptoms or behavior of his bipolar or not, she treats him the same.
She is supportive, kind, and loving. She listens to him when he wants to talk, or simply sits with him when he doesn’t want to talk but just wants company.
Jill and George do everything together. When George is not in an episode or showing bipolar symptoms or behavior, they go for long walks in the park, they visit friends and family, they go out to dinner, they play board games or cards, they go to the movies, and just enjoy each other’s company.
When George is in an episode or showing symptoms or bipolar behavior, Jill is still by his side – she doesn’t change the way she treats him at all, even though they can’t do all the things they would normally be able to do. She rides out the storm with him, whatever that takes.
Because of this, George is pretty stable with his bipolar disorder.
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Could you spot the differences? Very simply, in the first case, with John and Mary, John’s treatment of Mary depends on whether she is well or sick. His love is conditional upon her behavior – if she is not in a bipolar episode or showing any bipolar behavior, he treats her well, even buys her presents.
However, if she is in an episode or is showing bipolar behavior, he withdraws that unconditional love and treats her poorly. His love is conditional upon her behavior.
On the other hand, we have Jill and George. Jill’s love for George is unconditional. She treats him the same whether he is in a bipolar episode or showing signs of bipolar behavior or not.
She acts the same way either way, and treats him the same way either way.
That’s unconditional love.
I had one supporter who told me this: “I love my wife. I hate her bipolar disorder. These are two different things.” That can make it easier to separate your loved one from their disorder, and to have unconditional love for them.
Whether your loved one is symptomatic or not, they need your unconditional love. You need to be able to separate them from their disorder in order to be able to do this. Remember what that one supporter said, how he loves his wife but hates her disorder and how these are two different things. That might help you.
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
Hi Dave, Once again I love to open my E-Mails from you. I am very lucky my family and friends love me unconditionally Bi-Polar should not be a horrible sentence but a understanding one.I have lived with this condition for 21 years,it is not an easy one.With love understanding and support as well as attitude you can live with this illness,, you have to believe in yourself and take one day at a time.As long as you have Hope,support and Love every day is worth the effort.
I appreciate what you are saying. The problem comes when the person you love, who has Bipolar disorder, refuses to get treatment and treats family members abusively. I continue to love my brother, but I will not stand by and let him be abusive to me or to my elderly parents. We have tried everything, from ignoring/walking away from the behavior to confrontation, to offering to pay for his treatment, etc. He continues to not get treated, and to shout abuses at us at the slightest provocation. WHat do you suggest doing, in this case??
Hello again. I e-mailed you in the last week or so to inquire about the DVD’s. I sent 4.99 U,S, to order the set you were offering for the price of postage. I have not yet received them. You did let me know you were looking into it the last time I e-mailed you. My husband,our son & two grand-daughters are bi-polar & we are anxiously awaiting these DVD’s. Diana
hi dave thats what happendto me when i was out of control,my daugter would not talk to me for 2 weeks,i acted like a crazy nut that eveyone was againts me.but know im ok so she talks to me .she told me my behaior, was nuts. this illness serous, so thanks ur friend sharon
Dave, reading about Jill’s unconditional love for her husband, who is bipolar, has helped me this morning. My husband and I are separated right now because of his latest episode. He was very cruel to me, verbally and pushing me physically. We have been married forty years and the last three have been the hardest. My husband is a Vietnam vet with PTSD. We are talking on the phone and do want to get back together.
I agree with Myriam (comment #3). Our oldest daughter was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a couple of years ago. She refused treatment, was extremely disrespectful towards us (in front of our other younger children), threatened me many times, never cleaned up after herself, and so on and so on. It got so bad, we had to kick her out of the house. I will always love her, care about her, and worry about her. I just can’t live with her and take her abuse, especially since she refuses to get help. I don’t know what will become of her. I pray every night that she “see’s the light”, humbles herself and gets help. She’s only 24, and has her whole life ahead of her – It’s very sad to see her totally wasting her life. Yet she won’t listen to anyone!
ty for your article today on unconditional and conditional love. I have just ended a relationship of 5 yrs for abusive behavior. I am bi-polar. It helped me to see that his treatment of me was indeed conditional. He always wants to come back so this is helping me today.
Yes that all sounds great but what do you do when she thinks that you are the one that is being crazy and you bring it on when all you do is be nice and walk around on eggshells.
I think I understand the point you are trying to make, and I know you have played the role of supporter, but I find it very difficult to fit into these slots you provide. After all, my “love” is never conditional, but my tolerance is. I have to love myself first, and not allow anyone to treat me harmfully – in either a physical OR emotional way.
If this were realistic, you could make the same argument for staying with physically abusive people – they have an illness as well, but that is never ok, so I believe firm boundaries are necessary. That is advice I received from the psychiatrist that both my son and husband see.
I want to be very understanding and sypathetic, and most of all – calm. However, they can always outdo me, because by the very nature of the mania (and they mainly show irritable symptoms) they are seeking stimulation, and keep pushing me and pushing me.
For my sanity, I have to draw firm lines, and that is something I have to continually make very clear to them. I’m open to suggestions, but having dealt with this for many years, I have tried qutie a few things…
My Mom never accepted my diagnosis of bipolar disorder, or, for that matter, that I had a mental illness. Therefore, she was “free” to treat me with UNconditional love. She treated me tbe SAME, whether I was in an episode or not. Her love sustained me when I would be hospitalized for mania, and she ALWAYS took me home to recuperate when I was discharged. Looking back, her unconditional love helped me to recover from the manic episodes. Because I could count on her to be rationally the “same” – manic or “normal” – I behaved better than I believe I would have, if she had treated me as a “mental patient.” When it became time for me to “take care” of her when she got Alzheimer’s, I realized that unconditional love worked both ways…I never regretted the time I spent with my Mom, until her condition worsened and I had to put her in a nursing home. “Pay it FORWARD” is my motto…
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I continue to pray for my country.
FRIEND, I WOULDN’T KNOW ABOUT CONDITIONAL LOVE – I HAVEN’T SEEN A HAPPY COUPLE IN 10 years
i remeber Oct. – as unconditional
Nov. – as conditional
Dec. – conditional with good benefits – it all depends on who is the house you are waking up to
you know it’s a sibling if you are talking nice to each other; you know it’s a tv character if you are not…gotta run into the golden fields – ONLY GOD IS CAPABLE OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE —
Hi Dave,
I have recieved the DVD and a lot of good info was on it.. However, I only have parts 1-3 of the 14 part mini-course….can I get the other parts (4-14)? Thanks…
And even though my wife doesn’t see/feel it, I keep letting her know that I still love her…. I am the one with the BP2… she has gone thru mult PTSD issues.. But thanks for getting the information about the unconditional love out to us…
There is a difference between unconditional love and putting up with abuse. Unconditional love just means you love that person the same way no matter what. You can love someone unconditionally and still have boundaries in place. Actually consistensy and placing boundaries is a part of that unconditional love.
People with bi polar disorder do not choose to have the disease, their supporters do have a choice. I choose to be with my partner because I love him. He is currently in hospital with hypermania, and it is hurtful when he acts verbally abusive toward me. I remind myself, it isn’t him talking, it is the disease. I also do not allow him to use it as an excuse to be nasty.
I also believe in unconditional love, but like some of them have written, there have to be boundaries. I can take alot, but when infidelity and spending are a big issue, I was not left with any other choice than to leave him since he refuses treatment. I love him and will always love him, but need to take care of my family and myself first. Would you agree with this??
I am having a hard time with this topic. My husband has bipolar but refuses to admit it now and is unmedicated. He is drinking which makes everything worse and I am contemplating another seperation. It has been a long road and I’m tired. He mostly seems like he can’t stand me, then he’s madly in love with me and I’ve hung the moon. But I’m still numb from the ill treatment so how am I supposed to feel the love??? A friend of mine had a mean unmedicated bipolar husband and she ended up on mood stabilizers. She said, “Somebody has to be medicated!” I can’t find the middle ground. I don’t think I can do this anymore. The whole family walks on eggshells and it’s exhausting. My kids are asking me if dad’s taking his meds, Why is he so grumpy….on and on and on and on
Sounds like co-dependency. You really have to stand up for what you will put up with. No one deserves to be abused and during “episodes” the abuse is fierce. Weathering out the storm should not be at the risk of your own mental, emotional, psychological, physical health. I would love to be able to say we are still a family but it was not possible to walk on eggshells and weather the storm and accept being abused, all in the name of bipolar.
Hi TODAY,
You know, there are two kinds of love: Conditional love and unconditional love.
I FOUND 3 PEOPLE TO AGREE WITH THIS STATEMENT ON 8/31/2010 —– ONE IS GODLY AND ONE IS HUMAN
GODLY IS UNCONDITIONAL HUMAN LOVE ALWAYS HAS
CONDITIONS (I’LL REMEMBER
THAT)
Love, Dr. Price
this is the first blog i’ve written. my husband is bipolar and was just recently diagnosed after he was hospitalized for a manic episode. at first i let out a sigh of relief, finally, an explanation to his outragious behavior. he is seeing his psychiatrist, therapist and is taking his meds. i love my husband. we have been through a lot of horrible times as a result of his BPI. yet i stood by him even though everyone thought i was crazy. now, the point i want to bring up is this. how can i ‘unconditionally’ love my husband when i have no idea who he is anymore? who wants to show love to someone who belittles them and is just plain mean to them? i bite my tongue, i go with him to his appts, make sure he takes his meds, try to head off the mania and depression all in the name of love for him. so please, someone tell me, when is it my turn? i know that sounds selfish. but over the past two and a half years he has cost me my career, my reputation, my self esteem and my drive. i’m tired of walking on eggshells, tired of guarding my 21 months movements just in case he’s going into and episode. i’m TIRED. i’m SCARED, and the worst of all is i feel ALONE. i’m an active duty service member and i have no family or friends near me. if it wasn’t for our daughter, i believe i would have checked myself into the nearest mental hospital already.
I too, have a husband who changes with my condition of bi-polar. I know I have up’s and down’s.. I know my mood changes sometimes to frequently… I take my med.’s, see my doc. and try to do all I can.. I am still called names when having an issue and I end up crying which only makes it take longer to get out of the episode. I just wish he would do some reading on bi-polar and try to understand it instead of just thinking this will go away or that I am faking it. It hurts soooo bad..
Love today’s comment – Unconditional or Conditional
Unconditional Love is the Best Tool to use against DEPRESSION. Music, I find helps too – after all there is an old saying – that music calms the “savage beast” within (the very thing tormenting the soul)
I’M DRIVING AND LISTENING TO A GOOD SONG – TEACH THEM HOW TO “LOVE YOU”………….
CALMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
you know Dave i once read your post that spoke of a leader that took unbelievable verbal abuse from a child and it read – how did you handle that?????
Who knows why people truly react the way they do; perhaps they feel they have no choice perhaps as I just heard from a radio station, they become desentitized by the “consistency” nothing new coming into their lives – same ole same ole – so quite naturally they become desensitized. I’m so happy I stumbed upon this 2011 info that the Solution to Depression is Unconditional Love (with that said, It’s goes back to your primary “treatment” the first love, the first kiss, the first touch, the first fresh memories, the first thoughts of everyone and everything you love! Who knows this best but the one that taught you Unconditional Love! Use this tool against the noontime demon (or as they call it in Medical terms, Depression)
If something in your life is extremely discouraging and distressing you pray that God will open their eyes and that they hit the brick wall and ask themselves What was I thinking when I said that???? or did that??????
calmmmmmmmmmmm
After all Who knows you best?