Hi,

There are several sayings about other people compared to you. Here are just a couple that you may have heard: “It’s hard to soar with the eagles when you’re down here with the turkeys.” And
“When everyone around you is losing their heads and you’re the only one who isn’t… try not to scream and tie a knot and hang on.”

Of course, there are all kinds of variations to those sayings, and there are other ones like them
that are around that you may have heard also. But what they all have in common is how other
people are compared to how you are. Like that one saying says, other people may be “losing their heads,” but that doesn’t mean you have to lose yours. Or like the other saying, you don’t have to be a “turkey” like everyone else – you can still try to be an “eagle.” In other words, just because other people are acting a certain way, doesn’t mean that you have to.

So what does this have to do with bipolar disorder? Think about it: Just because your loved one is acting a certain way, doesn’t mean that you have to act that way, too. But you don’t have bipolar disorder, so you don’t have to act in those certain ways. You can be who you are!

The thing is, when your loved one’s disorder is “acting up,” and it makes them act out because
they are feeling irritable or agitated, they usually take it out on the person closest to them, which in this case is you. They may pick a fight with you over nothing. Or they may be depressed, and want you to leave them alone, but because you are concerned about them, you ask them to talk to you. But they don’t want to talk, so they get mad, because they think you’re interfering.

It’s just their mood. But they’re taking it out on you anyway. And you may have no control over it. But the next thing you know, your loved one is in this uncontrolled rage, yelling and screaming at you, calling you names, maybe even throwing things, totally out of control, and you don’t know what to do.

Maybe your first impulse is even to yell and scream back at them. Many supporters tell me that is the first thing they want to do. And I know that in my mom’s case, that is what I wanted to do many times. It was very hard for me to hold my own temper. And VERY hard for me to hold in the hurt when she said things like, “I don’t want you to be my son anymore.” But I had to tell myself that this wasn’t my mom talking, that this was her bipolar disorder making her say these hurtful things.

That’s what you have to do, too. Like when your loved one calls you names, or anytime they get angry with you. Because you really have no defense when they fight with you. Especially when the fight is just because they’re in a “bad mood.” And they’re just reacting to how they feel. That’s part of their disorder. They can’t help themselves.

It may seem to you like they are overreacting. It may even seem irrational to you. But it seems rational to your loved one, and they will act on it. Like I said before, they will take out their feelings (or their reaction to their feelings) on you, because you are the one closest to them. But if you “act like a turkey” just because they are, it will prolong the fight, and you won’t win it anyway – in fact, you will just make matters worse in the long run.

The best thing for you to do is to act like the “eagle” that you are, and try to ignore the names that your loved one is calling you (in spite of how much it might hurt you), stay as calm as you can, try to be understanding, and try to end the fight as soon as you can.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave