Hi,
How’s it going for you today?
I hope you are doing well.
Have you ever heard the old expression, “Beware of the elephant in your living room?”
It meant not to ignore what was right in front of your face.
See, people would walk around problems in their family (or their own problems).
They would act as if there weren’t even any problems at all.
They would ignore the problems, hoping they would go away, or miraculously solve themselves.
They wouldn’t talk about them.
Among themselves or with other extended members of the family.
And if the neighbors heard about it? Why that would be disastrous!
That’s why nobody would talk about it.
And that’s where the expression came from.
Ignoring the elephant in the living room.
Well, some people do that with bipolar disorder.
That’s called denial.
And that’s one of the first things I talk about in my courses/systems. Because if you don’t face up to the fact that you or your loved one even has bipolar disorder, how can you learn how to manage the disorder, or learn how to be a good supporter?
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So first denial is the elephant in the living room.
You first have to accept bipolar disorder in order to fight it and learn how to manage it.
I can’t tell you whether to tell other people, whether in your family, extended family, or people outside your family, whether you or your loved one have the disorder. That’s your decision.
The important thing is that YOU accept the disorder.
And here’s something important that you might want to learn (or remember, if you already have learned it), that I teach early on in my courses and systems:
YOU ARE NOT YOUR DISORDER!
And for supporters, remember that your loved one is NOT their disorder. They still have an identity outside the disorder itself.
Remember, you are NOT bipolar. You HAVE bipolar disorder. There is a big difference.
But from there, the rest becomes a little harder.
After you accept the diagnosis, don’t just let the bipolar elephant stay dormant in your living room.
Don’t just let the diagnosis sit there without doing anything about it. And here I’m talking to people who are newly diagnosed as well as people who have had it for awhile.
Learn all you can about bipolar disorder, whether you’re the one who has it, or you are the supporter.
There are things you can do to fight this disorder.
Then comes management of the disorder itself.
Medication and treatment.
Having a good doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist, and going to all those appointments regularly.
Joining a bipolar support group, and for supporters, joining a support group of your own.
Taking care of yourself – getting the right amount of sleep, exercising, and eating a healthy diet.
And taking care of yourself in other ways, too. Ways that keep balance in your life:
Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, financially, and spiritually as well.
Doing things that keep you productive and give you a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. Doing things that make you feel good about yourself.
You could work at a job, or if you’re on disability, you can work at a part-time job, start a home-based business, or do volunteer work.
You also need to do things that help you stay as stress-free as you can. So factor in leisure activities as well.
Now comes the hardest part of all, but perhaps the most important.
Staying stable.
In order to stay stable, you have to stay vigilant against that bipolar elephant in your living room by watching for signs and symptoms of your bipolar disorder.
You have to learn what triggers your bipolar episodes.
Try to keep a mood chart or journal to watch for patterns so that you can see an episode developing and catch it before it happens.
Call your doctor if you feel “off” in any way – if you just don’t feel like “yourself.” If you call early enough, you can also avoid in episode. It could just be that you need a medication adjustment or change. But notify your doctor. They’ll know what to do.
A supporter is real important here, too. Sometimes you can notice changes in your loved one before they do. You know their normal behaviors.
If you notice anything different, or you know that they’ve been under stress lately, or one of their triggers has been set off, watch them carefully for signs and symptoms that they might be going into a bipolar episode.
If you do notice these things, talk to your loved one, as they may have noticed the same things. Then have them call their doctor.
Together, hopefully you can avoid an episode from happening.
But you can’t do any of these things if you, as the saying goes…
“Ignore the bipolar elephant in your living room.”
What do you think?
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David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post responses below
Troy: Everything is a drug whether it is a prescription or something growing naturally. Think about it, if it wasn’t some kind of drug, it wouldn’t work.
Dear David
I have a 29 year old niece who has bipolar. After I have registered with you and started receiving emails from you, I have been sending them to my sister – so she knows how to manage this.
My niece sees her therapist and is also on her medication when her mum gives it to her. She has her bloods done on a monthly basis in order to see what her levels are and if she needs to take the same strength of medication thereafter.
Very often she does not take her medication.
About a week ago she attempted suicide by taking her meds, and was found by her mother with a plastic bag on her head.
My sister is besides herself and is terribly traumatised by finding her daughter in that condition.
What triggered it off is the fact that she was under a lot of pressure, she does not work, and my daughter had tried to give her some temporary work as she is a brilliant writer. She did not meet her deadline and got into an argument with my daughter and that set it off.
Please help as we are at our wits end.
Regards
Jessie NAIDU
Dear dave as I told u about my boyfriend he left and I never knew it and went back to new york city . i got a phone call yesterday hes been put in a phys ward this is num 8 but at least hes off the streets and can maybe get the help he needs yet its up to him to help himself. i havent heard from him yet he hasent called yet maybe he wont i have to keep my strenght up due to the babys who are still in the hospital yet doing well. i know that its hard for him I cant imagine what its like to be in his brain and I pray he gts the help. but thanks for your words thru this and they have helped and I just have to pray for him. thanks isabella
Dear David,
There were days when I felt that your sometimes twice daily emails were a bit over the top and I was worried that it might be a scam. But today’s was a gem! Marvelous instructions for the bi-polar disordered sufferer and supporter.However, as a supporter, I still find it very hard to talk about, especially when my loved one is fighting off his recent episode. Most of my energies are spent in encouragement to sort out the mess, financial and emotional that a discussion which takes them back into the scene of the disaster seems unfair. I suppose I’m suggesting that there must be a good time to talk these things over. During an episode would be futile, immedately after seems insensitive. What do you think?
Please help me. My doctor has given up on trying me on different meds because I have a bad side effects on everything she has tried me on. I am now taking Lexapro which is not helping me. I am on the highest dose. Can you please help me?
Dave,
The elephant in the room syndrom is also known as “the t___ in the punchbowl” effect…………..
ok
al take me self the quacks then.
yours sincererly pud xxxxxxxx.
Thank you for your help and comments. I have just had to break from a man I was dating. From what you write, and what other people have told me, I think he may suffer from class 2 bipolar. It has greatly helped me to find out something about this disorder.
THIS ONE IS THE BEST EMAIL TO EXPLAIN
David, FIRST I need for you to change you e-mails to me at my home e-mail and not here at work. I am sending them to myself from here so I can read them, with more time. Thank you.
What you said about the elephant in the living room is correct. However my elephant is in charge mode and has been for a long time now. He has decided he is not bi-polar or ADHA (which he is both…huge helping of ADHD to boot!) I am tired of trying to make it right. I am tired of trying to get him to listen. I am tired of trying to get him to take his meds. I am tired of trying to get him to go to the doctor. I am tired of his off the wall screaming and lack of understanding even the most minute word or sentence and then blowing everything out of proportion. I am tired of his sexual advances at inapporperate times and his constant want for sex. I DON’T want him to touch me! I actually can no longer stand this man and I cannot figure out short of having him arrested for weird threats (like ripping up my furniture) how the hell to get him out of my house. Yes he is drinking again, but he is not an acholic cuz he knows when to stop (that is per him, another decloration of how perfect he is!!). I am so friggin frustrated I could scream. My ONLY peace is between my driveway at home and parking lot at work. I feel like he has a desease and I am it’s victim! Sorry, I can’t type or spell when I am angry!
Bev
ken can you plz be more pecicse with the missing word plz.
excuse the spelling have never been any good at english lit.
linda
Inspired advice today. NAMI also suggests respecting the desires of the patient and family about what you tell others. So that’s not ignoring the elephant in the room but being sensitive when speaking. Treat the ill as you would want to be treated. Would you like to be the topic of conversation (gossip)? Thanks, Dave, for educating and empowering us.
Hi David -My loved one has not yet been diagnosed with bipolar, her doctor told her she has depression and she is on Lexapro, I dont think its works now. I have given an appointment with a phychiatrist to detect if she has bipolar as I myself I think she has after reading all the time on your email about the symptons, she is very violent sometimes but only with me. I just hope that they do some blood test to see if its bipolar. I am praying that she gets better after seeing that psychiatrist in a few weeks, at least I will know whats wrong with her. She is so stubborn, she only eat junk food, eventhough I try to make healthy food for her
she wont eat and like Isaid to her that junk is destroying her but she wont listen. I am at the end of my wits, sometimes I just want to kick her out of my place but its not easy. I think you can understand that.
Ange
Great email today, thanks! I have bipolar disorder and tell people openly about it. Inside, I am the one who has the problem accepting it within my lifestyle now. I do, however, have a few family members who do exactly what you say in your email regarding the “elephant.” This makes me feel badly and like it is a festering sore and catchy, not to mention a big embarrasment to these family members. Then I have the opposite side where some family members go out of their way to tell people and be an expert on the whole scenario. It is a confusing situation, to me anyway.
I am ALWAYS aware of the “elephant in the living room.” As of RIGHT NOW, I am in a “mood,” where I feel emotionless, as if nothing matters or makes sense. My shrink made some changes in my meds, and I stopped one of them, because, according to her, I didn’t need it. But, right now, I WILL take it tomorrow, and see if that makes a difference.
I’ve been getting my sleep/wake cycle back in order, and ALWAYS take my meds religiously, so don’t know where this “mood” has come from. I have no live-in supporter who can challenge or watch my actions to see if they are “appropriate” or not. I’m half-way SURE that when I go to bed and take my night meds, that tomorrow will be better. I’m just so CHARGED UP, it may take me awhile to get to sleep.
To ISABELLA: At least you know now where your boyfriend is, and he is in a safe place. That should be a comfort to you. I hope the babies are all right, and that you are able to care for them when they come home. What a BLESSED event! The RIGHT thing to do NOW is TAKE CARE OF NUMBER ONE. Having a healthy and calm mother now is what your twins need, so try, very hard, to be there for them.
I haven’t had a “spell” like this in a looong time, and can’t wait for it to pass. It feels like gasoline-energy is flowing through my veins, and I feel I’m on a “caffeine high.” Please pray that I will wake up tomorrow on the “right side of the bed!”
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
I have loved my partner for 11 years. Given my heart and my soul to our relationship and to understanding her challenges with bipolar disorder. At times abusive, at times shut down and without emotion, at times loving and funny, always beautiful to me. She touched my being in so many ways and I will be forever changed. She has left me. It’s over. She says she can’t handle the guilt she feels over how she sometimes treats me, can’t handle feeling like she lets me down and fails me. Can’t be part of an “us” any more. She’s been my life for so long. Everything I did, thought, felt involved some aspect of her. Having a relationship with someone who has severe bipolar disorder is so all-consuming. I don’t know how to live without her in my life. Now, after all these years as the strong one, the patient one, the compassionate one… I am falling apart. Plunging into my own depression, struggling but losing the battle to my grief. I don’t know how to live through this. Can anyone help me? Anyone?!
Leah
sunergia_within@yahoo.com
mornin all! By sweetheart of 9 years is bipolar.He was layed off from a job last march,and is on unemployment ….i have tried for a year to get him to find a new doc and apply for disability..He says he can’t stand people anymore, and he panics when he has to leave the house or even make a phone call..he calls my friends names, and has none of his own,,I talk about the “elephant in the roon when I go to my aa meetings, and from what alot of myy aa friends tell me that are bipolar, they drank to prevent or stop episodeslike my bf does.. so bev, I so relate to your anger..I had to tell him to get help or get out..we are trying to find a new doc and its hard way out here in the woods lol..It feels like we are fighting in a war shen they get out of control..>hang in there you guys and thanks for your help Dave!!!
You know that “Elephant in the Middle of the Room” thing? We’ll that applies to my entire family and I’m the bipolar. After 20 years of mental health therapy I remember the day when my therapist said to me: “I bet you’re the one who points out the “Elephant in the Middle of the Room” now.” It’s true. And now that I’ve grown beyond ignoring the insanity of our family reltionships or being afraid to point it they’ve concluded that my willingness to be more outspoken is yet another symptom of being bipolar! HA!
I am afraid that the elephant is standing in my living room, but I am too exhausted to see it. I’ve been working a full-time job the past six weeks with lots of odd hours, days, weekends, nights. The stress is high and I know I am not getting enough sleep or eating propersly. I did make appointments with my therapist and psychiatrist next week, in hopes that they can both help me.
I know, from previous experience, that when I get overwhelmed, I become very depressed and have an ‘episode,’ which usually causes a hospitalization.
I am praying that I can get the elephant out of my living room and trying to live a ‘normal life,’ whatever ‘normal’ is.
To LEAH: I’m sooo sorry to hear that your partner has left you “high and dry” and doesn’t want anything to do with you. It sounds as if you gave this relationship ALL you had, only to have the tables turn, and YOU need support.
This kind of behavior is “normal” for us suffering from bipolar disorder. We feel “guilty” for imposing our illness on our loved ones, and decide the only thing to do is leave. Aside from that, is the “sexual” nature of the “leaving.” She may want to experiment with someone or something NEW, and has no conscience about what it’s doing to you. “Sex” is a great “drive” for bipolars in an episode; this may blow over and she may come back to you, begging for mercy and taking her back. Only YOU can decide if the pain is worth it.
I’m sorry to be so negative, but falling in love with someone with bipolar is NOT an easy road. The mood swings are constantly changing, whether you are aware of them or not. If the two of you are still communicating, maybe if you get her to her therapist or shrink, she “could” have her meds tweaked, and her personality return to the loved one you remember and adore.
Good luck, and may God bless.
I’ve come to realize today that the elephant is a much bigger animal than I can handle. The task of holding down a job, the lack of sleep, constant chronic pain and overwhelming depression have beaten me. I give up on life.
Dear Dave,
Kudos to you, you hit the nail on the head. I am a mother of two children with Bipolar, My son 17 and Daughter 10. They are opposite as opposite can be. I have been on this journey for almost five years now, when my son starting showing signs. I have to say that elephant was in my mothers living room, and sad to say a part is still there. It makes me frustrated, and upset when family members don’t understand all the little steps I have to take to get something accomplished especially with my son. They try to compare him with other children, that are not like him. I just wish people would take time out of their day to either pick up a book, or talk to a therapist, or some kind of support group to be able to fully understand all the stresses that the family goes through. In the beginning I could not cope, I blamed myself, I felt that I failed my son and daughter. Now I know to only take one day at a time. Each day that I have with my children is my gift from God, and I know he would not have given me something in life that I could not handle, my children are my life. When you take the time to breath and focus, everything comes together. Thank you for everything that you do for us.
Silhouette Shannon
35 Mother of two
Floral Park, New York