Bipolar is a “team” illness. Yes the person with bipolar is strongly affected but they probably can not see what happens to the members of their suport team. I guess the answer to a bipolar situation is to remember to treat the affected team members as well as the person with bipolar, because the support team is so vital. If we care enough to help the person with bipolar,then we better take care of ourselves or the support weakens and we become collateral damage. Send your friend a light work out schedule and ask him to send you back his progress daily.

You have hit me right on head ,with this email. I am a grandma raising a bi-polor child (now 7).My health has gone ,had a heart attack in Sept.5 splint and balloon put in.Have no energy for to do nothing but rest when she gone to school or camp. Cause she don’t sleep good at night she on medicine for it too .
Thank you for remind me what I’m doing to my self .I’m going work on getting it better
wackie

I have left comments before about the stress of dealing with my spouse. I believe he is in an episode now for close to 4 months. My health is not very good and I am supposed to be on regular medication for asthma which comes on with stress. My husband does work a regular job. I don’t work outside the home. His choice not mine. Since he is the one who makes the money he feels that he can choose how it is spent. He don’t believe that I need to see a doctor therefore he won’t let me have the money needed to go. We have a joint checking account but he has the checkbook all the time. He won’t let me have the car to go anywhere. During his episodes he takes control of everything and I stess everything. From what I fix for dinner. To how many lights can be on in the house. Even down to who I can talk to on the phone. There are never any appoligies for anything. I am out of my medication now and have been for about 2 months now. My symptoms are getting worse and I have tried to talk to him about it. He says its all in my head and there is nothing wrong with me. How do I protect myself from that. Has a person with bipolar disorder ever treated a spouse or other supporter like this before. Should I just get out somehow to protect myself. I feel isolated. He thinks he is in control. But I can see he isn’t. I think paranoia is also part of his problem.

Dear Dave,

I agree totally with taking care of one’s self. That is what I am trying to do by letting my significant other go. I know that he’s in an episode now and that his wanting to leave is again what it was last time… I hope he doesn’t destroy himself, but he’s working on destroying me. I can’t let it happen anymore.

I noticed that it was an episode again when he was ignoring me again for the past two days and gave me the total silent treatment (control whenever I try to do something good in my life, he gives me the silent treatment). The the week before that he told me that I was too disgusting to touch and that he hated my arms, my legs, my face, and he held me as someone would romantically do and looked into my eyes and told me that he “couldn’t stand me and hated me” and all I was doing was standing at the stove cooking his dinner. He refuses to touch me and at the times when he appears to try to get close to me, it’s all a control game and he will take himself away, (literally) and tell me mean things about myself. All this comes as I was offered another modeling job.
It is not whether I’m pretty or ugly etc.., the fact is, is that I’m tired of him cheating and on top of his cheating, blaming me and telling me terrible things. Also, he’s destroyed any sex life with all of his garbage… It’s totally disgusting that what we did have, he’s made me feel like I am not allowed to ask for any sex at all. He TRIES to make me feel very ugly about myself for weeks on end and after that, will get close to me, hold me at night, and then he’ll make jokes about how he doesn’t want any sex….AS IF THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR IS NORMAL! I don’t know if bipolar people do this, maybe masochistic and sadistic people do that. Either way, it’s gross and he’s hurt me more than I should put up with.. That’s just the light work.
I never thought that a man would ever go that far to make a woman feel bad about herself. He and I agree, that he is to move out because he wants other women.. But he is so sick that he must try to destroy me before he goes. I’ve met men like him before when I was younger, and it took me awhile to learn that it was a control game (whatever illness that was attached to it, was their problem) but tell me where it says that I have to be so mentally and pysically abused so that I could save him? I MUST save myself at this point. He has had my life for the past three years, from 39 to now 41, and those were the best years of my life and certainly, they might have been the last reproductive years (I’m probably still fertile, I would assume) however, because of his antics, I have lost two sets of twins with him. It has cost me broken bones, sprained muscles, near heart attack, sooooo much mental torture that it took me a year litterally to read and figure out that he has the problem…and he’s still doing the no-sex torture thing while calling me beautiful last night. It’s sick and it doesn’t make any sense. At first, I wished that he wouldn’t leave, but now I realize that I need this time and space to replace what he stole from me.
He’s done this before, recently in January, only to almost destroy himself. While he was doing it I cooked for him and brought him food, at least so that I could make sure that he was eating. His refridgerator was empty as he’d give all the money away to the girls that he was sleeping with. I then brought him back with me to live on the beach so that he could see more positive things in March, and the first thing he did was call me names and sleep with other women and try to get violent and spend all of our rent money again and again.
As soon as I picked up every peice, he wanted to leave to chase more women. (he goes back and forth with saying “he just wants to be by himself” and “he wants to be able to sleep and have company with other women”) …yes… I have to listen to that garbage!!!!
I personally think that he thinks the grass is greener with SOMEONE else. I believe that there is someone. Yet, he tells me “how good of a woman I am and that he’ll never find someone like me, but he’s not attracted to me” So, I’m being severly neglected as a woman in the prime years of my life, he’s trying to ruin any sex drive that I have (and he knows that I’ll never cheat because that will make me just as bad and it would make me do just what he wants…to live a disgusting swinger lifestyle, and I’m not having it!!!) So now he’s set to leave soon but he hasn’t set a date for that either. He’s leaving, he’s leaving , He’s leaving is all I hear now…than I hear he loves me but must leave over and over again…, than I hear the mean things, then he plays the no-sex games again…It’s Insane!! So what I say, is “fine, when are you leaving?”
He held me last night and asked me once again if I would stop in and cook for him again when he’s on his own. (An instant replay of January)
Am I not supposed to live a good life? I have crucial time to get things done this year in the way of studying and he’s misdirected all of my time for the past three years with his garbage. I say, let him leave and give this garbage to whoever he wants to sleep with out there, because I’m not even getting that!
I do love him more than sexuality, but, there is a fine line when he maliciously seeks to destroy the person that I am and seeks to make me feel ugly about myself. He just wants to take ALL of my self-confidence from me, doesn’t he?
Let the other girls that he’s sleeping with cook for him. While he’s still in my house, I cook. I will not cook for him anymore when he’s gone. He wants his own life and that he shall have. Let him pay for the other girls. He does not appreciate me at all.
The closest I could come to giving him a clue in last night, (when he joked about not wanting sex with me)I was telling him,”women are like cars,If the care is with you and taking care of you, YOU MUST MAINTAIN THE CAR! YOU MUST BE GOOD TO THE CAR, TAKE CARE OF THE CAR, You can’t neglect to give the car oil, gas etc…”
He laughed before he fell asleep and laughed again this morning. I guess he thinks it’s funny. It’s strange to me that a man would neglect, call ugly, cheat on, degrade, and LEAVE someone that he loves and says that he’ll never find another one like her. My view? he wants his cake out there and wants me to come play wife and cook, so that he can eat the cake too…. I am taking a vacation! Don’t know where I’m going, but I’m going!

wow! c.m. you have your work cut out for you! I know how you feel my husband and I are split, because I just could not handle the situation anymore, but I am I guess “recharging” my batteries now and I have been able to start helping him. and he has accepted the help. (with the help of david’s newsletters, plan on ordering the courses as soon as I can afford it)but my husband never cheated on me when we were together but when we first split up he was like a kid in a candy store!!! He was in a major episode… he placed 4 singles ads online!! not just one but FOUR!!!!! Went out to bars getting into fights all kinds of “crazy” things, but you really need to recharge somehow I have been and I do feel a little better not exactly back to where I want to be but getting there.
Good Luck!
Jackie

I have found your emails enlightening, but I have had it with my bro – I am sick to the gut of his outrageous behaviour – the threats, the lies – the whole manipulation & toxicity.
I can’t take any more.

Dear David,
You always have good advice, but how do u balance a life when u have 2 children that are bipolar. Also they are like night and day from each other. They exhaust me, my health is not good, im am doin what i can to take care of my self, but we have also suffered tramua in the past several years. Somethin that will carry with my children for the rest of there lives. We are dealin the best we can but they are difficult to control, my son doesnt listen everthing is a game with him. He knows what u are sayin to u but he just has to misbehave. My girl is doin better, but she still has bad days, and when she does he makes it much worse. It makes it hard to function. The stress is almost to much for me. What do i do. I feel like im goin crazy sometimes.

((( ur pain is heard and supported @ c.m )))

x i have been where u are..from having been told i was the most beautiful thing he ever saw..to h0w much i repulse him… x

x i have spent a wh0le year not kn0wing if he meant the things he said..never sure if his feelings were real or if the hate was part of his illness.. i do not think we can ever kn0w for sure… but i d0 kn0w how it feels 2 b destroyed..slowly and surely over time..bit by bit..hacking away at my self dignity and self perception…but today i have gr0wn and i am strong… x

x i send u strength… x

xxbuTTerFLy ~ Londonxx

We are the providers, and nurturing ones. It is easy to fall into the trap that our families needs are more important than our own.
Wait. What? Am I not a member of this family? How can I function in my role if my needs are not met?
You do need to nurture yourself as well. This means eating properly, exercising, relaxing, and hopefully you have some form of faith to draw on.
You must to do these things to help your family. You may feel guilty, and worry if you take time for yourself. That’s normal.
In times of stress you can only deal with it if you take care of your physical, nutritional, emotional, and spiritual needs.
I know many times we try to be super heros, and unfortunately, we do it well. Imagine how much you would rock if you were in good health!!?

Dear David…I really could use some support….My husband recently was diagonsed with bipolor disorder…..It has been a nightmare…He has had affairs with so many women that i have lost track of the number of them..He says he loves me….yet he continues to hurt me…I have diabetes and i do not work…I am tired,hurt,and cannot believe how much he has hurt me..What do i do?? I am at a loss…I just need support from somone who knows what i am going through and how to deal with the pressure and the pain any suggestions would be helpful..Thanks to all……..Deborah……..