Dear Dave:

I have been reading your e-mails for a few weeks now and while you make perfect sense, I’m hesistant to embrace many of the concepts that could be the very key to a better life. Why? You guessed it: I’m addicted to the struggle.

At my worst, I’ve been called (and rightfully so) a drama queen, a perpetual victim, and someone who dwells misery.

At my best, generous, understanding, a good listener, multitalented, “together”, and a role model (if they only knew).

It took me a while (5 years, actually) to figure out why that was. I didn’t know what to call it. I used to write it off, thinking, “Well, at least I’m feeling SOMETHING!” AS opposed to when I was on lithium (zombie), Prozac (zombie), depakote (zombie), effexor (zombie), no meds (manic). These feelings served me well as an actress, model, and singer.

But the trade-off, as you can very well imagine was not, and still is NOT, worth the drama!!

I am currently undergoing talk therapy until I can work with my doctor to find a medication (or coping method) that will allow me to be stable, yet feel “human” and capable of “normal” feelings to which I feel entitled.

I think you for the platform by which to express myself. It’s SO very good knowing I am not alone, or “crazy”.

Dave that makes a lot of since to me. I had been struggling with Bipolar Disorder most of my life even before I new what it real was. Over time I had been diagnosed with being Emotionally Disturbed to ADHD.
Although I do also have ADHD my point is that as you have pointed out doctors really didn’t no what to make of me.
But getting back to the point of this response for a while I to became comfortable with my Disorder. I would have outburst over the smallest things flew trough plenty of jobs because of my combative behavior and was always at odds with family members till one day about 3 years ago i finally came to a point were i needed a change.
What I needed to do was be honest with myself about my Disorder and make it work. Since then I have taken my meds faithfully everyday.
I found that I can beat this. Even now I am going trough a big change in my life after having both my knees replaced and a bunch of other medical problems Which stopped me from being the bread winner in my family. I just take it one day at a time and just keep moving on. The fact of the matter is Bipolar Disorder can be beat its just up to the sufferer and their family supporting them.
Your Friend
Christobal Moreno

P.S. Your emails are the highlight of my day it helps to know that other people out there get me keep up the good work.

Dear Dave,
First off, I was diagnosed (finally) about ten days ago after years of bouts of depression and then anxiety. Your daily letters have kept me grounded, realizing that I can function with this disease, with a little understanding from my family,my counselour, my psychiatrist and a support group that I belong too. In fact, my famaily (especially my husband), used to consider me a drama queen. When I was told, I was in total denial, because I thought it meant that I was going to be exactly like my mother (who was diagnosed with a psychiatric diesease when I was one, which was eventually called bipolar). I was extrmemly concerned that I would not be able to care for myself, my children would be taken away by the state (as I had been), etc. etc. Thank goodness, I had a supportive husband and all the people I mentioned above. I am forty years old, they pointed out. I HAVE BEEN LIVING WITH THIS DISEASE FOR AT LEAST 17 YEARS, if not more. I am a teacher, a mother and a wife. This disease prevents me from funcioning in certain moments, but not overall. I just need to learn to handle the situations in a different way.

My mother did not choose to do that. She chose to have everyone take care of her, like a child. She never drove, barely dressed herself, urinated in public, called someone to tell them that she was going to kill me, (when I was an infant). I never knew her, except for a brief time in my teens. She didnt even acknowledge that I was her daughter. I want to be just as involved in my children’s lives now as I have ever been, maybe even more, now that my emotions are a little more level.

When I asked my dad why she never got better, and I was afraid I was going to be like her, he told me “She didn’t want to get better, unlike you.”

Wow! That was really powerful. I have spent the last three weeks on the phone, the computer and talking to people to get as much info. as possible. Don’t choose to let your life go. Think about how much you’ll miss.

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I identify with what you said, Dave, about being addicted to bipolar disorder. Why would anyone want to stay unstable? Well for me I think it’s because 1) it’s all I’ve ever known and feels familiar and any change is scary een if for the better, 2) if I got stable I might have to go back to work and not get disability any more, 3) I like the attention and sympathy I get by being “sick,” and 4) it keeps me occupied so I don’t have to address other “real” problems in my life like a bad marriage. I really don’t want to get better though I am going through the motions of going to doctors and taking medications, doing psychotherapy, studying your courses, reading many books, etc. But deep down I don’t want to get better for the above reasons. I know that before I can get better I have to get over that first hurdle of truly wanting to get better but I sure don’t know quite how to do that.

Dave, thanks for all your resources and helpful stuff.

-Alyssa Dodd

Dave- the content of this particular email caught my attention. I am in a position (of doing the best that I can) to help someone in their struggle to achieve high funtionality with bipolar disorder. We are at a point where he has tried many medications that do not work for him, either they turn him into a complete zombie or work in the begining but then go quickly downhill from there. He is now taking Ambilify, and has been for around 11 months now. The effects have been tremendous- yet not perfect. What I mean by this is that whereas before discovering this medication he would have daily episodes (mostly manic- rarely depressive) and now with this medication the episodes have lessened to a handful at most in the past 11 months, although a couple have been severe. (And we won’t count Sundays which for some reason seem to be really difficult days for him i.e. can be very moody all of a sudden yet don’t seem to become severe) I would hate to think that we are at the best point we could be at. Although, the relief of going from everyday episodes to a handful in almost a years time has felt tremendous. I know there is someone who can help us fine tune his disorder properly but, he has no health insurance and the care we’ve managed to find is scarce and mediocre at best. So, unfortunately I feel we are stuck accepting the situation as it is today and dealing with things like my long planned romantic birthday date being completely ruined due to an episode. I have contacted the Mental Health board crisis center, support groups… And they all seem to lead back to the same places. I would say we are stuck settling for now rather than addicted to the struggle- trust us, we would both love to lead a peacful life together