Hi,

How’s it going?

I hope you’re doing well.

I got a comment to a post I did on how to communicate with your loved one, and I thought I’d share it with you, as he makes some very good points.

“Dear Dave, Learning to be soothing and yet assertive at the same time is akin to balancing on a high wire, however , I know it can be done, because on occassion I have succeeded.

Over the xmas and New Year hols my daughter( who lives with me along with her two young sons) went into a BP depression that lasted most of 4 weeks.

Rachel finds the amount of stress and stimulation overload in the streets and homes workplaces and playgrounds during this time almost unbearable so she took to her bed.

There were times I stared into the well of desperation but theres one thing you say over and over Dave – these episodes pass and our loved ones stabilize how I wanted to rant and rave and bang my fists on the wall of frustration : but we all know that doesn’t work. It was also great to have knowledge of BP and how to be an effective supporter. All of my small amount of experience went into focusing on the BP and not my daughter.

So it was back to basics concentrating on one day at a time sometimes it was down to one hour or part of a hour at a time.

What I found most heartening my daughter responded most days and I know it was an enormous struggle for her to shift the enornous weight of her dark dark mood to hear me.

I kept things simple like we planned and I kept myself calm. Before any discussion or talk I would prepare what I wanted to say I would go over it all in my head to get rid of any subjective jangling bits or any personal rubbish and to focus effort on what I wanted to get across whether it was bathing regularily or taking her meds or even proposing a little trip to the french cafe down the road, because I know that I would have to talk through an enormous amount of negative traffic going on in Rachel’s head.”

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“…an enormous amount of negative traffic going on in Rachel’s head.” That is such a telling statement, and so true of people who have bipolar disorder.

This man starts by saying, “Learning to be soothing and yet assertive at the same time is akin to balancing on a high wire, however , I know it can be done, because on occassion I have succeeded.”

Yes, it can feel like balancing on a high wire sometimes – I know, because that’s the way I felt with my mom at times when she was in an episode. It was hard to bite my tongue and not say the things I wanted to say when I wanted to say them.

Balancing on a high wire is like walking around on eggshells, afraid that something you say or do will set your loved one off, trigger them into an episode, or make an existing episode worse. But he says he has been able to make it work on occasion, and that’s encouraging. When I was able to make it work with my mom, she started to recover, so I know what he’s talking about.

He also says: “All of my small amount of experience went into focusing on the BP and not my daughter. So it was back to basics concentrating on one day at a time sometimes it was down to one hour or part of a hour at a time.”

Two good points here.

1. Focus on the bipolar disorder and not your loved one – it will help you to deal
with them much easier. The enemy is not your loved one, the enemy is the disorder.
Fighting with your loved one will not make things better for either one of you.

2. Back to basics – concentrating on one day at a time, sometimes one hour
at a time. That’s what you have to do in order to deal with your loved one
and their bipolar behavior.

Then he says: ” I kept things simple like we planned and I kept myself calm. Before any discussion or talk I would prepare what I wanted to say I would go over it all in my head to get rid of any subjective jangling bits or any personal rubbish and to focus effort on what I wanted to get across…”

Which is good advice. It’s best to always keep it simple. But the most practical advice he gives is to keep calm and before any discussion, plan what you’re going to say. And remember, this will pass.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi, how are you? I hope you’re doing well.

One of the things I like doing best is to hike. I go on long hikes sometimes. I take food and water with me and plan on being out all day. This is my idea of a good time. (I know some of you out there would disagree with me! ) But I plan for it. I take what I take with me because I plan on being out all day.

What would happen if I went on an all-day hike and hadn’t planned to bring water with me? Or food? My energy would lapse… I would be thirsty… I would be hungry… And I would certainly not have a good time. All because I didn’t have a plan.

When it comes to bipolar disorder, you need to have a plan. You can’t just go out on your “hike” and not plan for it. Like, if you know you’re not going to be home when it’s time to take your medications, you need to plan to bring them with you. If you are going on a trip, you need to plan ahead and bring enough medication for the whole trip.

I mean, what would happen if you ran out of your medication and couldn’t get it where you’re going? What if you even went into an episode? What if you ended up in the hospital? All because you didn’t plan ahead. And that wouldn’t be any fun, would it? It would totally ruin your vacation or trip or whatever.

So, when it comes to bipolar disorder, you have to think ahead. You have to plan.

What if large crowds make you anxious? And what if you want to go to a football game where you know there are going to be a lot of people? You better plan ahead. First of all, you need to know to expect that there will be a crowd. But then you make a plan. Like you might plan on

arriving early to avoid the crowd.

You might plan to stay a short time after the game to avoid the crowds trying to get out (all at the same time). You can get a seat where there is a good view in front of you instead of a bunch of people which might make you anxious. You may have to pay a little bit more money for that kind of seat, but that’s part of your planning ahead. This is something you want to do, but in order to do it, you have to plan ahead.

You also need to have plans in place for bipolar episodes. It’s the same thing. You’ve had them before, so you should know what to expect. That way you can make your plan ahead of time should you see one starting to form. Don’t be surprised – Plan for it, so you’ll know what to do.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi, how’s it going? I hope you’re having a great day.

I am going to talk a little about the holidays even though they were a few months ago.

You know, it’s not just those with bipolar disorder that experience disappointment. It can happen to supporters, too. You don’t even have to have bipolar disorder to experience it. You experience disappointment any time you have unreasonable expectations.

For example, if your loved one has been in treatment for awhile now, but they are still not where

you want them to be stability-wise. That’s having an unrealistic expectation. Your loved one may be exactly where they need to be in their recovery. (No matter how you feel about it.) Especially after the holidays. You may be wanting that holiday excitement to last, and feel let

down that it doesn’t.

Instead, you need to remember that there is usually a let-down after the holidays. It may be a pattern for you and/or your loved one. And patterns have a habit of repeating themselves.

You can have reasonable expectations that, given the same set of circumstances, the same thing

will happen again.

Think back to last year. Did your loved one get depressed after the holidays? Did they experience post-holiday let-down? Then it is reasonable to assume that they will go through the same thing this year. It’s a matter of patterns.

Like my mom, for example. I have learned over the years that this is the hardest time of the year

for her. So I watch her extra close, to make sure she doesn’t go into an episode.

You may have to do the same thing. What happened last year? How did your loved one act after

Christmas was over? Did they feel the let-down that so many others with bipolar disorder feel?

Did they get depressed? Or did they take it in stride? Even look forward to the new year? Whatever happened last year can be a good indicator of what will happen this year as well.

On the other hand, if your loved one has been working on themselves in therapy, you might expect them to be able to handle things a little better this year than they did last year. Same with you…It’s all in your expectations.

If you felt let down last year after Christmas, then you can expect that you’ll feel that way this year too… Unless you do something different this year. And what you can do different is to have more realistic expectations.

Are you or your loved one feeling let down now after the holidays? Then be more realistic about

your expectations. And try to keep positive in your attitude. Even look forward to the new year!

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave