Hi,
How’s it going?
I actually have to go really quick today because I have to get back from the gym and prepare for a full days of doing lots of different things. Actually before I get started I have a funny story. The other day someone wrote on my blog that basically I had bipolar disorder because I repeated myself.
So I wrote a daily talking about this.
Yesterday that person responded back on my blog and said:
“you took offense when i asked if you are bipolar, but remember that some bipolar meds have the side effect of dementia. so that was not a dumb question.”
First, I didn’t take offense I thought it was funny. I never said it was dumb, at least I don’t remember saying that 🙂
This is funny…
Yesterday I was in the gym leaving and I was talking to the girls that are at the front desk. They are like 20 years old and have a really simple life–it consists of tanning, partying, shopping and text messaging.
The one girl was talking to the other girl. The one girl was talking about what she was going to do this weekend. Then she talked about what she did last weekend. Right in the middle of about a 7 minute explanation, the girl who was suppose to be listening to her said and I quote:
“I forgot what we were talking about, can you start over again?” The girl talking got mad and said, “you always do that to me.”
I said, “hey, someone accused me of having bipolar disorder because I repeat myself, maybe you have it?” She said, “bipolar who what’s that?”
Then she walked away and said she was “bored.”
I thought this was really funny. You might not and think I am crazy for even writing about it. But I wanted to so I did 🙂
But yesterday there was something that happen to the gym that totally relates to bipolar disorder on a serious note. Here’s what happen. There’s a guy in the gym that apparently was never in good shape in like 30 years. He was really in bad shape. Overweight, no muscle ton, etc. So he decided to get into great shape. Some say he is having one of the mid life crisis’s when you start trying to act like you are 18 when you are really 40 something.
Anyway, he tried ALL kinds of programs, diets and plans. Finally he hired one of the world’s top body builders to coach him.
The body builder guy gave him in my opinion a dangerous program that could adversely affect his health.
But the person started to lose weight and body fat. After 12 weeks he went from 20+ percent body fat to less than 5 percent. His program however is crazy.
No carbs excerpt 1 meal a week. He has to do more than 2 hours of cardio SEVEN and I repeat 7 days a week in addition to working out.
The plan is crazy.
IMPORTANT BIPOLAR LESSON COMING
So this person’s goal is to be the lowest possible body fat by July something or another. It’s like 3 to 4 weeks away. I have no problem with setting a goal like this but here’s the problem.
So right now, my friend is like, “his diet makes no sense at all. He is going to destroy his knees and mess up his system because his meals have no balance in them at all.” Other former body builder commented that his diet was dangerous.
Okay, so now, the question becomes? After you hit your goal, after July something or another when you are all done, what’s your long term plan?
At first he had no long term plan. He never thought about it? Sound familiar? It should because so many people dealing with bipolar disorder have no long term plan at all. They work on day to day or maybe this week.
Anyway, so now he decided that basically he wasn’t going to eat carbs forever and do 1 hour of cardio 7 days a week. He wasn’t going to take any time off.
My friend said, “dude, he’s so stupid that plan can’t work long term.” My friend is a person who looks great almost all the time but has a system. He has a balanced diet, takes supplements, takes lots of time off, has cheat days where he can eat junk, etc.
So now it stands this person has a plan that’s not only impossible long term, it’s going to wind up really injuring him.
You can NOT continue to work out 7 days a week hard for the rest of your life. Period. No matter what. Studies and common sense tell you this. If he does this, he will most likely get sick, start experiencing symptoms of massive over training (being angry, can’t sleep, lose weight, feel tired almost all day long, etc), and he will start to hurt his joints, especially his knees. He will wind up destroying himself.
What’s this have to do with bipolar disorder?
A lot. Just yesterday I was talking to someone who had this idea. He said it’s the final straw for his loved one with bipolar disorder.
He is going to measure and monitor all her medication for the rest of her life. He said that he is going to supervise EVERYTHING his loved one does FOREVER. He said he was tired of things not working or her not doing what she was suppose to.
He said, “what do you think of that?” He said it in like a “I have a plan that’s going to work.”
I said that I was 99% sure that it would not work and that it will actually work against him. No one wants to be monitored and treated like a baby.
I told him it was okay to help a loved one with their medication in the beginning but long term this can’t work.
I asked if this person gets a job or moves away how are you going to monitor.
He said, “well she isn’t moving, I will monitor it all.” I said it won’t work.
This is one of those people who has my information but hasn’t gone through it at all.
In my courses/systems below:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
I talk at length about how important systems and strategies are. I have systems for all situations–whether you are a supporting a loved one with bipolar, have bipolar disorder yourself or are supporting a child.
When you go through my courses/systems you’re going to be amazed at all the things that I have thought of and how there are indeed solutions to them all. You might think there aren’t solutions to even your most difficult problems but there are. You have to go through the material however. It’s a must. You can’t sit it on your shelf.
But back to this guy. He said, “well what would you do if you were me?” I told him the first problem that I see is, she doesn’t have a good doctor, she doesn’t have a therapist either. Also you aren’t creating a positive environment for her and you are trying to create almost like a ‘police state” where you monitor everything.”
I went on “you haven’t separated the bipolar from her and you are mad and angry at her. You think something is really wrong with her because she has bipolar disorder. You appear to be mean almost punishing her for something she did not do.”
He thought about it. And then he said, “well we will see.”
I finally told him the story of the person in the gym. I asked does it make sense to do cardio 1 hour a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, only have carbs one meal a week for the rest of someone’s life? He said “that’s crazy. that’s stupid.” I said “hmm, that person is crazy but you monitoring your loved one and managing them, watching them take their medication for the rest of their lives is smart?”
I said, “your plan is not sustainable long term, you are just like the guy in the gym.”
He didn’t say anything.
Hey I just looked at the clock. Do you agree or disagree with me?
Anyone ever try to do something like this?
Anyone ever have this done to them?
Does this make sense?
David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post responses below
I understand why the guy wants to monitor all the meds. My husband has been given a low key medical and diet regime by his psychiatrist and he just does not take it seriously. When he goes off in a rage,I ask if he has been taking his meds and then he says I blame all his anger on his disorder and that normal people would also respond the way he does. There are times when I wasnt to feed him his meds and every meal to ensure that he gets the right stuff and none of the wrong stuff. It is for selfish reasons really…I just want peace!
David,
I totally agree with you.I am not going to pretend that i know anything about bipolar other than what i have learned from e-mail. I do believe my adult son( 29 yrs.)has it.Why doesn’t something like this show up early in life? But wait maybe it does and it falls in under denial, or kids are that way, or because people are nieve. To be honest, i never paid much attention until my neice (14 yrs.) diagnosed with it . Now i believe that the bipolar illness runs rampant in my family. I really do enjoy this site.
Thank-you and have a wonderful day
Linda
so i dumbfounded the jersey guy with my comments!
your column today comes as my bipolar caregiver system crashed with my friend, T. i tried to apply everything i had learned from ten years of caregiving my mom who has dementia. for this i had received training through UCSF alzheimer clinic.
i met my bipolar friend, T, a kind viet nam vet who plays guitar. i thought that he could easily improve his lonely life through yoga, playing music together, walking and hours of conversation.
i accompanied him to VA hospital visits where i found many mistakes being made. i shared this information with his children and felt like the greek messanger who delivered the bad news. this poor guy has been on 4 mg/day of respirdon for four years. it is quite tricky to deal with dr’s ego and the va system. through my pharmacist brother’s advice i have gently asked for a lowering of the dosage.
“every bipolar person needs an advocate.” – quote from psychiatric nurse who works for the manufacturer of respiridon.
to sum it up, T is still the geni who comes out of the lamp when called. when he returns home he lies in bed and listens to music. i am forcing a lifestyle, healthy diet, etc. on him.
I agree that constant monitoring of a bipolar loved one’s taking their meds, eating properly, getting to bed on time, etc., would be no better than having them in a “quiet room” on a psych ward! Give your loved one some SPACE! A baby doesn’t learn how to walk on it’s own; they need practice. But once they get the hang of it, you DON’T have to hold their hand – they are maturing. And so it should be with the bipolar survivor. If they are intent on managing their disorder on their own, and want to succeed in being highly functional, they HAVE to monitor THEMSELVES.
To be treated “like a baby” does neither the supporter nor the survivor any good. Treat the survivor as an adult, capable of handling their own treatment plan. However – and in many cases this is true – they may not EVER want to follow a treatment plan. THAT is THEIR problem with the illness, not YOURS.
Just do the best you can do to make sure they don’t harm themselves or others. If the situation warrants, talk to their psychiatrist and suggest hospitalization to regulate their meds, and set them straight.
Hi Dave
Not always so easy, remember your ‘Back to basics ‘ email, get that
right and then decide on a long term plan. After one year still no long
term plan. I still ‘forget’ to take meds on the weekend, makes for better
sex and late nights as the anti sphycotics, anti depressents and mood
stabalisers realy hamper having a good time. Short term plan – get old,
calm down, medicate and set a long term goal. Having no long term goal is alright as long as you have not yet reached the end of your short term
goal, like the guy in your gym. I have alot of living still to be done before
the chains of BP tie me down.
alright
Good heavens, why would anyone volunteer to be a supporter like that forever?! It’s a lot of work even when you don’t hover!
I just want to say that I monitor my husband’s meds. He sometimes gives me a hard time about it, but I want peace also. My husband on some days will say he is bipolar and on other days he says he is not. He sees the psychiatrist faithfully but will not take all the meds that are recommended. I know he should be responsible for his own illness but sometimes I just can’t get through to him. I have been living with this for quite a few years.
I tried the method of monitoring my husbands every move regarding his bipolar – it is exhausting to say the least! I became burned out, frustrated and overwhelmed. When a caregiver does not take care of themselves first – they don’t have the energy to help take care of the person with bipolar disorder. I have found that taking better care of myself helped me have the energy and insight necessary to “guide” my husband when he needed it most and it actually allowed him to make mistakes and learn from them. It all goes back to the airline industry – “put your own oxygen mask on first, then help those around you”.
I love your helpful daily comments and your materials. It’s a shame when people don’t appreciate or understand what you write–and/or why you write it–because it’s always “on the money.” As for constant, “under the thumb” supervision, it’s not only impossible, it’s insulting to the bi-polar sufferer. It may be necessary in the beginning of treatment–or during an acute episode–but not long-term. I bought my husband one of those weekly pill cases with each day written on it, and several small, snap-close compartments under each day. He likes it, and rarely screws up this way. He likes to take responsibility for his own medicine. I compliment him on this and other progress. It isn’t always easy going, but things are getting better.
I want to thank you for the info on By-Polar, my youngest daughter of 29 yrs old with 3 children (single mom) has this. She has finaly got a good Doctor that knows what he is doing, Is on two meds that I know of, and I can see a big difference in her. I was worried sick that she would kill herself or one of the children, she says she can feel the difference too. I appriciate your info on all this , it has helped a great deal to understand, I think you are a devoted son who deserves a great reward. Please keep up the good work!!!
i would like to know how i can be sure that my husband has bipolar. what are the tests. i cant go to a doc and tell him to test my husband for bipolar.
i’d like to know if there’s a connection between mania and a full moon.
Well, I am new to this site and glad to be here. My teen needs reminders to take medicine as he will “forget” if it is not convenient for him. Like whenhe is with his cousins or friends, he doesn’t want to seem “different”. Long term though, that is unrealistic to monitor anyone. It would drive you bot nuts, I would think. Let alone, what it would do to the relationship. Still, peace is definitely a priority! All the ups and downs, rage to calm to rage…Need to stop the cycle some way.
RE: Repeating oneself as a symptom of BD:
Dave,
Repeating onseself over and over again can be a symptom associated with acute psychosis in BD. I have experienced this with my sig. other. It is not typically listed as a symptom, but it probably relates to comorbitidy with GAD & OCD. See below link:
http://www.psychiatry24x7.com/bgdisplay.jhtml?itemname=anxiety_ocd
Just wanted to let you know my experience. I am not a Dr. etc! But I have unmistakably witnessed this symptom during an exptreme psychotic episode complicated by susbstance abuse. Apparently, the verbal repetition soothes the anxiety experienced by the sufferer. And GAD is most often accompanied by BD. It’s probably not a common symptom: BD is pleomorphic; or expresses itself differently in everyone (therefore, Bipolar Disorder is more like a syndrome) so you may not have come across it in your extensive research of the subject.
Of course, I think you do a great job of communicating this difficult topic to your audience, and I just thought that you might want to know that there was some validity in that person’s post, but not her accusation. ( I have BD 1, and have never exhibited verbal repetition during psychosis. )
You are right. I know from experience. If a parent has all the responsibility for success, the adult child will feel invaded and resent the parent, working against the parent. The resentment builds on both sides. I started by telling my very ill daughter, “I don’t want this job. I want you to take over and do it all yourself. It’s your life. Hey, you didn’ t ask to have this illness. Life gave you lemons. You have the choice to make lemonade. Add sugar, water and stir. Your choice.” I repeated day after day, week after week. I took meetings with my daughter’s social worker and psychiatrist to talk out the problems and downfalls in her performance. I gradually realized my daughter was very depressed by the illness and was feeling “Why me? Why did I have to have this illness?” At long last, she started to feel better. I encouraged her to go out and join programs. In the last year she started to work in a theater. She is happy every day now. She has started walking 2 to 5 miles a day and is losing weight. She eats less junk and more vegetables. I am proud. She has stepped up to the plate and is starting to think as an independent adult. She is taking the responsibility for her own success. She is feeling “empowered”. Empowerment is a very nebulous word, but it generally means the person feels he/she has enough information and self-confidence to become a success. That is what we want to happen with our family-member. It takes persistence, optimism and a constant positive message: I believe in you and I believe you can do it all yourself.
Hi there David and loyal readers, firstly its hard to come to grips with something so serious. I have been living with BP for the last five years and have been on and off from my medication. I have realised that one with this disability cannot live without the right kind of medication on a constant basis. I do agree that this should be monitored to an extent, But having someone monitoring every move you make, will soon make you aggitated and thats what we are trying our best to avoid. My advice, take you medication and see a psychiatrist regulary. A bit unfortunate for those who cant afford it though.
Hi
I spent too many years denying having bp mainly because of the stigma attached to mental illnesses and the bigotry of others — eventually though, i realized i had to take responsibilty for my life, my actions and the effect my bp was having on those around me
With all the resources available today we can no longer excuse our negative behaviour when we are, with good meds and support, able to live full and balanced lives —
I had to accept that my highs were addictive, as was my rage, and that continuing to do nothing about it — made me no better than a drug addict that has no thought to the pain their loved ones had to endure, at the hands of such selfish and destructive behaviour
I am sorry if this upsets any bp sufferers, but if someone has to control your meds its because u have not taken ownership of your illness and responsibility for yr actions — We have right to allow our illness to imprison the ones who love us — sure its tough at times — getting the meds correct getting support and understanding — but we must not excuse our behaviour by blaming the bp — or be upset with our loved ones if they seem not to support us, if we do not do everything in our power to use every resource available to us.
If we want love, understanding and acceptance then we too need to show our love for our friends and families by getting the help we need!
And as ‘persistant dad’ said, taking responsibility for your own illness will empower you to suceed!!!
Sorry sentence in the centre should read — we have NO right to allow our illness to imprison the ones who love us
I’m sorry but I feel that I need to tell you the truth about your emails that I read everyday. I understand that having a positive attitude is important, and you are right about that. But other than that I dont know you from the next guy and when I read your oppinionated emails its kindof frustrating. I am just learning to deal with bipolar disorder, and I think that more factual information would be helpful. I can go get anyones oppinion on being bipolar. Ive heard it all. But I think your emails should be focused more on helping than a story that doesnt even get to the point until the end of this insanely long email. Im sorry if I sound rude, but I feel your email would be more helpful if you made things more factual and short, rather than a he said she said story about the gym.
To Cara,
Interesting comments. I don’t agree. I think you should continue to read. I seriously doubt you have heard it all. I would rather add stories combined with “factual information.” You get more information on bipolar disorder than any other site online. Sorry if you don’t like what you are reading.
Dave
Yes I do agree totally. It’s different if you are monitoring a cancer patient as it is short term and they don’t have much time to live. but a diet like that couldn’t work long term, nor could you monitor someone long term, both would end up resenting it
This is to thank you,Dave, for all the helpful insights on Bipolar Disorder.
I couldn’t agree with you more Dave, we are in this for the long term and not thinking of this disorder as long term is really kind of denial. We have to think about how we are going to deal with bipolar long term. This means making sure our money will hold up, making sure our diet plan is adequate, making sure we get enough exercise to stay healthy, and I think these things go for everyone in general, not just those of us with bipolar or supporting one with bipolar. We all have to think about the long term in respects to our behavior, and our planning needs to include the long run.
I am looking more into my long term goals as a result of your post. Thanks for the heads up. I never thought of the long term so much as I do now because of your post.
Appreciative,
Bob
Hello All,
Positiveness is key to anything we do in our lifetime. It’s so very hard to feel positive when a loved one has just been diagnosed with bipolar and your are his mom. My 18 year old son was diagnosed 6 months ago and he has since made a wrong choice of moving back to the place we used to live, which is a city 14 hours drive from here. Neither his Dad or I or his psychiatrist could talk him out of it. My biggest fear is suicide. I am trying to be his supporter, but over the phone they can tell you anything. As far as I know he is taking his medication and he seems to be doing well, but who knows for sure? I haven’t seen him in 3 months. We talk every week, but that just doesn’t seem to be enough. How do you support someone living so very far away???
Diane
Dave,
firstly i would like to send you a huge “pat on the back” and say that without your e-mail’s that i receive daily my life as a supporter would be a disaster to say the least!
My partner has had BP for over 3 years and is constantly chopping and changing her medication. She beleives greatly in what her psychiatrist tells her however she will not own her actions and she is in constant denial about her condition!!
As a supporter, i find myself constantly having to remind her to take her medication(s) -she just wont take them!! and i am the worst person in the world when i ask her to take them. (know what i mean?)
i dont want to have to monitor this however she wont help herself.
she has two young children (both under 10 years of age) and she has constant episodes of rage and she doesnt think there is anything wrong with her, its those around her that cause her to react the way she does.
from the outside looking in as her supporter im finding it difficult to cope, i dont want to give up on her but this is taking over our lives now, its almost like she is posed by the devil!
when i attend her dr.s appointment with her she feeds them nothing but lies about how she is really coping and if i start to say something to correct her lies, she humiliates me infront of the doctors making them almost believe that i am the one with the illness.
what do i do to make her own her actions and her illness without disrupting the peace.
she has allienated herself from her immediate family due to the constant lying, and she tells her friends that she suffers from depresssion (only). please help me to help her!!!!
your a true person Dave and i thank you once again!!!
Gina “)
Well – I have to respectfully disagree with Cara’s comments. To me it is refreshing to have a more personal spin on this disorder. I have been supporting my bp husband for 13 years now – 3 of the first years were “undiagnosed” and un medicated. I read everything I could about bipolar disorder when he was first diagnosed and everything seemed so technical and over my head and gave me little insight into how to “deal” with the daily pressures bipolar disorder brings into my home. Dave’s emails and wisdom come at a very personal level from someone who has “been there – done that”. I don’t feel alone in my walk through this anymore. Sometimes the emails seem long – but at some point during the reading I have that “a-ha” moment that makes everything come together and make sense to me. Keep them coming Dave – you can’t reach everyone with every e-mail – but if only a few readers can relate and understand what you are getting in any one of your emails and walk away with a little more education under their belts – it is all worth it!
As a supporter, I am finding it harder and harder to deal with BP. I feel that it has taken over my life. When it is time for medication, I wait to see if my husband will say anything. He will then say it is medication time, and then say he isn’t taking it. He will say that he is not an epileptic (he is on Depakote) but eventually will take it. I have to fight with him like a child to take his meds. He will say that he does not have BP. Many of our neighbors do not speak to him. When we go to the dr, he will tell him everything is good. Then the dr will ask me if he is telling the truth. He lies alot. Every day for me is a struggle. There are times when I think about leaving him, but I do still care about him and know that this is not the person he is. I look forward to reading your e-mails Dave. Thank you.
Well I dont no if I am bipola or not but should I be taking Amitripylne sorry not able to spell I do have very bad at times fibromyalga I have been treated bad in the past so just try to manage my self any advice would be welcome thanks amanda
I think I am bipolar -my thoughts race and one minute I feel happy the next sad and I have been fighting with my boyfriend and argue with some co-workers. I feel like all is hopeless for me tired of feeling depressed and crying and an being overwelmed with loneliness. I just don’t want to go on meds because in the past I have taken several anti depressants and all they did was put allot of weight on me and messed with my sex drive and also suprest my feelings. What can I do Dave?
David,
I just want to say that this site is a blessing to have because I can relate to some of the issues that you talk about and I feel so proud of myself because I have overcome many things in my life because of it.
I have to agree with what Dave says. I have been supporting for over 2 years. We never had a long term plan. I never knew how to make one. I was so exhausted from working to support us and deal with everything on a day to day basis. I did everything I could think of, but apparently it was not enough. My boyfriend killed himself one month ago yesterday. He was estranged from all of his family and the sheriff’s dept. never found a next of kin. Just as it was while he was alive I’ve had to do everything. I wanted to find his family because I want to know about any other bipolar histories. I really need some answers here. Can anyone help me with sending me in the right direction with a bipolar-suicide-survivor support group? I really really need some help. I feel myself fading away. I’ve not eaten much, I can’t sleep. I’ve been smoking and drinking way way, way too much. I miss him so much I can barely stand it and not having any answers to this is too hard to bear. He started threatening suicide about a month before it happened. He’de threatened 4 or 5 times in the last 2-3 years. We’ve been together 4. He even tried it before before I knew him in 1999. When my patience would come close to running out, a # of times in the last several years, I’d ask him whether he’de taken his meds or did he have any Dr. appts coming up, or had he looked for a job or what was his plan, he would state, when there were not any more unused excuses, that he was considering suicide. Each time I immediately went on the offensive and tried to talk him out of it. He always stayed alive. This time when he told me that he was considering it again I thought it was another excuse for doing absolutely nothing but watching tv and reading books all day long. Another tactic to shut me up and make me go away. I wasn’t buying it as a tool to provoke my sympathy again. This time I told him that if he thought he were considering this then he needed to go to the hospital “RIGHT NOW”. He just looked at me blankly. His expression never changed. THen over the next several days he looked dark and gloomy, sweaty and distant. I asked if he wanted to talk about his feelings and thoughts. About anything at all. He said no. He told the couples therapist that I was taking him to that he did not tell me alot of things because an inquisition (from me), would always follow. He really hated that litany of questions, but I was always just trying to help. If only I had called the local authorities and lied to them and told them that he had a knife and that he was threatening to stab himself. (This would have been a lie), I know wthat I could have gotten him into the hospital. Maybe stabilization and a few days of intensive therapy would have provided the springboard he needed. It had just gotten warmer, and he began his mental downfall. Just exactly as he did this time in 2007. I COMPLETELY missed change of season situation this year. I guess I was so busy with work and completing a course I was taking that it just slipped by me. Boy am a an idiot. When you have to do everything, soemtimes you MISS THINGS. I am an incessant list maker. nothing ever gets all the way done. My quality of life made been terrible for several years. I was committed to helping him, and I wanted to get him stable and happy so that we could make some plans, move to another city and get married. I am so confused and sad and I feel that I’ve failed ultimately. After all, he was the sick one, not me. I have depression and anxiety, but I always do what has to be done. Anyway, everyone please be careful if they might even be the slightest bit suicidal. I can’t ever go back from this, its tearing me apart and I DO NOT WANT IT TO HAPPEN TO YOU. PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ALL THE SIGNS. I just don’t want anyone to feel the way I feel right now. It’s like living in a pit of hell.
To LUCY: You have my deepest sympathy on your very tragic loss. I know how tempting it is to just “sweep away” any suggestion by a loved one who is contemplating suicide. When they “cry wolf” one too many times, this is bound to happen. What others have to remember is that, whenever ANYONE talks/thinks about suicide, they will ultimately attempt/succeed. This is one of the strongest symptoms of ALL suicide attempts – take them SERIOUSLY.
I know how heartbroken you are; but remember, as you said, he was the one with the mental illness – NOT yourself. I’m sure you did EVERYTHING In your power to help him; unfortunately, some people are self-destructive, and there’s absolutely nothing you could have done beyond what you already did.
So – stop beating yourself up; his suicide was NOT your fault. Sometimes love just isn’t enough.
May God bless you real good – you are in my prayers.
Suzanne- I really and truly appreciate your kind words and thoughts. I am not sure, though, what you mean when your write that whenever anyone talks/thinks about suicide that they will ultimately attempt/succeed. Many discuss it but never do it. There is a local CRISIS hotline that I have called several times. A woman there that is highly trained on the the subject of suicide explained to me how hard it is to get someone who relays suididal thoughts committed to the hospital. She said that many people are comitted and released within 24-48 hours and then attempt and succeed in killing themselves. She also said that many people who do want to be committed to the hospital never are admitted. They do not meet complex screening/assessment requirements. She said that I could not have gotten him commmitted unless I stated that he had a weapon on hand and that I or he were in immediate danger when the phone call was being made. Even before I knew that this was the case, I ws afraid to try to have him commmitted because I was afraid that he would hate me forever and break up with me once he was released. How selfish of me! The important thing was that his life be saved whatever the cost. It wasn’t about me or my fear that he would release me from our relationship; it was about whether or not he would do what he has now done. And as I sit here in our house typeing this downstairs in our office it is so quiet. This silence is deafening and excruciatingly real. He is not here and never will be again. (I keep thinking he will pad downstairs and turn the tv on), that he will call in from the other room, “Honey, what are you doing”? The couples therapist that I took my boyfriend to told me after it happened that he himself did not think that Bill would do what he’d done. This really is beginning to make me mad. He, (the therapist) just finished his masters in psychology this Spring. How could he not take it more seriously? He had my boyfriend fill out a SAFETY contract. He was to list 5 people that he would call and 5 things that he would do when he was feeling that suicide was the only answer. I was angry with my boyfriend on the way home from this meeting with the therapist b/c I was not one of the contacts on the list. Maybe I was not a good resource for him. Maybe I NEVER listened well enough to him. I wish I had the safety contract now, but the sheriffs took it from my house when they removed his body. They probably won’t give it back to me along with the note he left. I have been excluded from everything because i was plainly told by these people who have NO psychological or emotional involvement with him that I did not have the legal right to anything because we were not married. I was the closest person to him though, and I did everything for him. The note said, “Call 911. I’m upstairs in the closet”. If I only had done more research on the web. I did quite a bit several years ago, and because of what little bit I did do, I really felt that he was bipolar and implored him to consider seeing a mental health professional to get the necessary testing required for a formal diagnosis. He did get an informal diagnosis, but was always on and off meds. He complained that the side effects were terrible, but sometimes took his meds while drinking alcohol. I read all the directions on all the medications. They all expressed clearly not to do so. I got numerous newsletters from David Oliver but never ordered the courses b/c it took all the time energy and money I had just to keep us afloat and to try to get him to work toward helping himself after I had enlisted all the help I could find through local resources. I still did not do enough. If only I had done some more research on the web. Even what I’ve done tonight has shed so much light on how he must have felt inside. I failed him because I became resentful at many points. I told him several weeks before he finally did this that I was out of energy and that I was “Circleing the drain”. He told our very good friend that he did not know how much more he could take of my stress and anger filled reactions to things. My friend said that she feels that he felt that his only resource in all of this, (me) was no longer reliable and that is ultimately why he killed himself. I feel so terrible that i allowed this to happen. I know that he would not have felt so lost if I’d only held it together better and just a bit longer until I could have gotten him some more reliable and concrete help.
David- I’ve just read through the entire explanation of all of your courses. I don’t think I can stand it because I feel that I looked down all the wrong avenues. My research and meager attempts to help were peripheral, uneducated and generally ineffective. I feel that had I ordered your course last fall, when I first found your website that my beautiful boyfriend would be alive today. You even offered a money back guarantee. I’ve read ALL of the information. I’d never read all of it before. IF I WOULD HAVE READ IT ALL, HAVE ORDERED THE COURSE, I AM SURE HE WOULD STILL BE ALIVE. I’ve failed him in the worst way possible, and there is no going back. I’ve killed him for sure.
I did not mean to write such a disturbing entry last evening. It’s just that the reality that I did not have a thorough enough understanding of how to deal with what was wrong with my boyfriend is unthinkable to me. If he did not have the power or capacity to help himself then I should have and done what was needed.
DAVID I HAVE HAD BIPOLER FOR MANY YEARS ALSO PERSONIALITY DISORDERS PHYCOTIAC TENDINCIES AND DISSHOTIVE DISORDERS . I HAVE BEEN MARRIED TO A MAN NOW FOR 18 YEARS THAT THINKS I AM FULL OF IT AND THERE IS NO SUCH THING HE SAYES I JUST WANT TO BE A BIT YOU KNOW WHAT .. I AM ON NO MEDICATION AT THE TIME NOTHING HAS EVER HELPED !! I WANT TO BE NORMAL AND FEAL LIKE A PERSON NOT A THING NO ONE WANTS TO BE AROUND I ALSO REFUSE TO RIDE IN CARS I CANT STAND THE THOUGHTS OF IT .. MY HUSBAND ALL BUT HATES ME AND ALL I DO MOST OF THE TIME IS CRY WHEN HE ONCE UNDRERSTOOD MY PROBLEMS NOW HE TREATES ME AS IF I AM CRAZY AND STOUPED HE TELLS ME THAT VERY AUFTON.. I FEAL THERE IS NO HOPE
To LUCY: As sorry as I am about your tragic loss, it does nobody good to beat yourself up about it. BUT – it is GOOD that you are starting to get ANGRY: at least you’re putting the blame where it belongs – with him. YOU did all you could do “be there” for him, and, with the damn illness, he couldn’t see it.
My late husband attempted suicide a number of times, before and after I was with him. As the result of his first attempt, he took a whole bottle of Tylenol and fell between the bed and the wall, and wasn’t found for, like, 11 hours. By then, gangrene had set in his left leg, and had to be amputated.
He was 19 years older than me, but would occasionally take an inordinate amount of drugs, and I would call 911 for them to take him to the ER. One time, he had such trouble breathing afterward, I had to sit with him on the psych ward and tell him to BREATHE!!
As a result of phantom pain where his leg used to be, he became a morphine addict. This did NOT help his drug abuse problem. We lived together for five years, and subsequently got married in June of 2003. By August of that year, he had no appetite, and hardly left the house. As he had fallen against the cocktail table in the living room and injured his good leg, he was confined to his wheelchair.
By September, he grew more and more lethargic. During one of VAs hurricanes, he became incoherent, and I called 911 for the last time. They got him to the hospital, but I was unable to see him until the next day. When I visited, he would turn away from me. He had a fever of 104degrees, and had sepsis. The third day he was there, the doctors called me at 1AM and told me he was “crashing.” Although I had taken my night meds (I’m bipolar), I drove to the hospital to be with him.
He just lay there, quiet, until a lab tech came to take blood. At that time, he became gregarious, and teased the tech. But – he never acknowledged me – his wife – at all. I continued holding his hand – from 1AM until he breathed his last at 5AM.
Now – I blame his doctor for prescribing him 120 morphine tablets a month – and if he ran out, would give him more. The doctors at the hospital asked if they could do an autopsy, because they didn’t know what killed him. I told them to go ahead.
Turns out he had a perforated ulcer that turned into peritonitis. Because of the high amounts of morphine he was taking, he was unaware of the pain of the ulcer, and it ultimately took his life.
When dealing with my therapist, she told me it was all right to be angry with my husband; angry that he overdosed on morphine; angry that he was an addict; angry that he left me alone. I KNOW what it’s like to be REALLY alone. I was married before, and that husband was 7 years younger – but he died of a sudden heart attack at 35.
When you lose a loved one – husband or lover/boyfriend – it IS hard when you think you could have done SOMETHING – ANYTHING – to have prevented it. But – when you’re dealing with a person who is suicidal, they are always soooo unpredictable, and they really DON’T think of anyone but themselves and their hurt.
So – feel angry AND sad; you have that right. And – I empathize completely with what you are going through. I have been there…
May God bless you real good. You are in my prayers.
Dear David Oliver,
I am curious. Do you also have Bipolar disorder? You seem to have impeccable knowledge about the subject. Please reply.
It’s coming up to full moon and I am bipolar. We folks have some identifiable “deficits”, but often many “gifts” that quite frankly most people find uncomfortable. Your ideas and offerings at the gym were sound, yet many would not even stop to discuss them. What tweaks me is the notion of being the “identified patient”…..someone who by virtue of being bipolar becomes the natural scapegoat for all that goes awry, or wrong. Even people who love and support us are susceptible to doing this- often unknowingly. How convenient to have a resident person “with issues” to attribute things to that are messed up? Continue to be the kind, thoughtful, caring person you are…..no matter what.