Hi,
Are you familiar with The Serenity Prayer?
It goes like this:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
———————————————————————————————————————
Well, today I’d like to talk about the “accept the things I cannot change” part. This is probably the hardest part for most of us to do, especially when dealing with a loved one who has bipolar disorder. It’s natural for us to want to change things we do not like, or the way things are going if we don’t like them, or to even want to change our loved ones if we don’t like the way they are acting. The problem is, we can’t do any of that. We especially cannot change our loved ones, because you can’t change another person – they have to change themselves.
It’s trying to change the things you CAN’T change that leads to stress and anxiety, which are bad for you. They are even worse for your loved one, because if they try to change things that they can’t change and they experience stress and anxiety over it, this can even lead to depression, which can lead to a bipolar episode for them. So both of you need to learn to accept the things you cannot change. Because for both of you, stress and anxiety can be bad.
So how do you do that (accept the things you cannot change)? Especially when it comes to your loved one and their bipolar disorder?
First, let’s look at some truths about change.
There are some things you CAN change, but there are other things you CAN’T change.
You can’t change other people. It’s up to them to change themselves. And that’s only if they want to – you can’t do it for them.
You can’t always change the situation around you (although sometimes you can, and I’ll talk about that in a minute).
You can’t change the world, as much as you might like to sometimes.
You can’t change the place you’re in, usually. Especially in this economy. Most of us are lucky to be holding on to our homes these days, and couldn’t afford another house even if we wanted to.
You can’t change things. Things just are the way they are. For example, you just can’t change the fact that your loved one has bipolar disorder. It’s just a fact. You may not like it, but you also can’t change it.
The only thing you can do about things you can’t change is to accept them.
A friend of mine told me this quote from one of her daily readings, and I think it applies here:
“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.”
I think that’s what it’s all about. Finding serenity, or peace of mind, in whatever situation you’re in. In other words, accepting what you can’t change. If you can come to the place where you can accept that your loved one has bipolar disorder and you can’t change that fact, then you can do something about it – You can start learning how to manage it.
Remember the old expression, “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade?” Well, this is sort of the same thing. You can work with what you have, if you accept it. If you don’t, it won’t get you anywhere, anyway. And it might make you sick, trying to change what you can’t change, getting all stressed out. And that is something you DON’T want!
For a supporter, maybe stress won’t put you into a bipolar episode like it might your loved one, but the stress can make you not as good a supporter as you can be, if you don’t accept the things you can’t change.
The main point I’m trying to make is to accept the things you can’t change, and work with the things you CAN change, and you’ll be much more able to be the supporter you want (and need) to be.
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
GREAT lesson today! That’s the Serenity Prayer used in AA..the Lord’s Prayer is from the Bible: Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. for Thine is the kingdom & the power & the glory forever. Amen.
David,
That which you quoted at the beginning of this article is NOT the Lord’s Prayer. It is the Serenity Prayer. Please see Matthew 6:9-13 for what is called the Lord’s Prayer. The Lord Jesus Christ taught His disciples this prayer. Actually the Lord’s Prayer is found in John 17.
Sorry to correct you but that is not the Lord’s prayer but the serenity prayer. The Lord’s prayer is very different! (Our Father, who art in heaven…hollowed be thy name…)
Astounding that you don’t know the difference between the Lord’s prayer and the Serenity prayer. I am unsubscribing today.
This is exactly how I learned to deal with Life itself, through Prayer,lot’s of Prayers, Faith, Trust, Spiritual Family, Friends, You and Great Support Groups!!!
I appreciate receiving these emails and agree the words of this prayer provide needed perspective whether you have bipolar disorder or love someone who does. Please note, however, it is “The Serenity Prayer” not the Lord’s Prayer. Thanks.
Obviously you don’t know what the lord’s prayer is because that is not it…that is the serenity prayer.
i really agree with u
your letters help me a lot
in dealing with my son.
thank u so much,verna
Your reference to the “Lord’s Prayer” is actually called the “Serenity Prayer” I believe & is not found in the Bible. The “Lord’s Prayer” is found at Matthew 6:9-13. Thought you should be aware of that & not misquote it again. Marlene
Dear David,
Thank you so much for this timely reminder! I’m “between a rock and a hard place” with my dual diagnosed, bipolar family member. The stress IS ruining my health, and I realize it’s my own fault. This reminder is helpful. I’m awaiting your book and cds. in the mail. Thank you for doing what you’re doing…the need is so tremendous!
David,
Thank you for your email to me but I wanted to let you know that you have quoted the Serenity Prayer not the Lord’s Prayer. However it appears that you have already been told that many times by others. It happens. People make mistakes and I think it is no big deal. Unfortunately there are a couple of people out there who seem really disturbed by it. Oh well. I guess they never made a mistake before. Anyway thanks for all of your emails and advice. I appreciate you taking the time to try and help people.
Dear Dave and readers,
The prayer you quoted near the beginning of your post, was THE SERENITY PRAYER, NOT the Lord’s Prayer. The Lord’s Prayer is: ‘Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name; Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For Thine is the Kingdom, the Power, and Thy Glory, now and forever. Amen.’
And the quote on ‘Acceptance’ comes from the ‘Big Book’ [our textbook] of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Pls. get your quotes straight.
Lynn S.
grateful sober alcoholic
Date of sobriety=10/22/79
Dave ,u are so right ,these days to survive our sanity ,our self worth our dignity ,our faith n hope in this world to get along with our either bipolar or not, loved ones ,l have come to learn ,that u have to accept them ,as they are ,n pray that somehow they will see the light n find their way in this so mixed up n turbulent world we live in ,and at the same time for us to have the strength with the Lords help ,to love n be loved (as the saying goes what the world needs now is Love Sweet Love ;of course with lots of Patience .Amen
I focused on the point of your artice Dave rather than like many others dwelling on the fact that you are human and made a mistake. Great point about accepting what we cannot change. I am struggling with that very issue right now with my son. It just breaks my heart that I had to watch his father go through the effects of bipolar and now he is suffering with it. Other family members don’t seem to be as affected as I am. They say that I bring on the stress myself and do to much for my son. I just want to help and support him as much as I can. My health is being affected through, I’m so stressed out. Thank you so much Dave for your continued support and articles. It really does help to know that I’m not alone.
Part of my growth in the acceptance area is the ability to not get off the track of receiving the message you offer by worrying about the title and orgin of the message. You have once again reminded me of some things I need to practice daily. Sometimes I can feel so sorry for myself in my relationship with a bi-polar mate. Some things I have to accept… some I don’t. I pray for the wisdom to know the difference more than anything else now. Thanks for all you do for us.
My concern is not just that this person is “human” and and made a “mistake” but rather that he may be something of a dilettante when it comes to dealing with bipolar individuals with substance abuse issues. I have been to countless Al-anon meetings over the past several years and nearly every single one closes with the Serenity prayer. I encourage everyone to get advice, comfort and guidance from multiple sources including trained, experienced professionals.
I am glad to see that those who have responded have given the correction as they have. The Serenity prayer is something that is prayed, but does it acknowledge the Lord Jesus Christ ? That is my question. I have seen it, and it says a lot of good things that we should make known to others. But the Real Lords prayer has also been correctly mentioned here that being in John 17, the other one as is identified as the Lord’s prayer is really the prayer for the disciples to pray as He gave the example to follow in that Matt. passage. I hope by now you have been able to acknowledge the difference, and yes prayer does change things, the heart the soul, and the mind as well as the potential to change the circumstances if He so chooses to do so. But only He can do that and knows whether it is best to do that.
Ok well I thought of correcting you as well but so many have already done so that it would have not made any difference. Thanks for your mail, some of them I find helpful, others not really. my husband is not diagnosed but has all the symptoms and refuses to do anything about it except scoff at the fact that i want him to see a doc. he has quit his job and I am finding it extremely difficult financially as we have outstanding loans and the collectors are hounding me – he does not even speak with them. i have accepted a lot, how much more should i really take on or accept without running the risk of developing bipolar myself? (If that is possible)
David,
I am very familiar with the Serenity prayer. I am in a twelve step program and have learned to change myself and not everyone else. It is much easier.
The serenity prayer and the Lord’s prayer are daily prayers for me.
Thanks,
Hi Dave you may not have gotten the prayer correct but your thoughts and sentiments are of great help to family members supporting bi polar sufferers . I was between a rock and hard place too! Anxiety,stress felt I didn’t know where to turn! Not able to accept that I can’t put everything right ! Mam with memory loss brother bi polar and in a manic episode and seeming to resent everything I did. I have had ten days out on hols and come back more relaxed and realise I must remain calm and think logically to help the situation .so reading your words….has helped me so much thanks
Hi Dave…
Won’t correct you either….the point is PRAY!
A bit more involved. You might want to talk about how to help people
pray therapeutically
it’s very powerful and helps them connect with their responsibility to
receive answers not
just say words….just some thoughts to add to the many already offered. Jesus said the most remarkable thing at the worst time in His life learning obedience through His own suffering on our behalf…and it’s so hard for most of us to say…”nevertheless, Your will be done, not mine”
–
I’m sure Dave knows the difference between the two prayers and it was just a simple mistake on his part, not something for which he should be attacked, like some people have done. Christians aren’t supposed to judge other people, and I’m surprised to see that some people have done that. Our main concern is bipolar disorder and how to deal with it, not criticize someone who makes an honest mistake who is trying to help us.
Dear David; you are Godsend, all your messages and information are so helpful and true, everytime I read one of them, I realize how much heartache and stress I would have spared for both me and my siblings both with bipolar disorder. But it is never too late to finally understand and realize that it is ok the ups and downs and that everything would be fine once the crises are over. Patience, prayer, hope and a lot of detective work to finally find the magic recipe to achieve a relative balance in a constantly unbalanced situation. Thank you David