Hi,
I hope you’re having a good day today.
I was talking to this guy the other day
whose wife has bipolar disorder.
The conversation went something like
this:
He said, “Dave, I’m really having problems
with my wife.”
I asked him, “What kind of problems?”
“Well, she’s just so moody!”
“What does that mean,” I asked him.
“She’s all over the place! Sometimes
she’s up, sometimes she’s down,
sometimes she’s in between… I swear,
it drives me crazy.”
I know this type of complaint. I’ve heard
it before from supporters of loved ones
with bipolar disorder.
I figured his next line was going to be about
her not being to tell him what was wrong,
saying that it was “everything” or “nothing,”
and sure, enough, that’s what he said (adding,
of course, that this drove him crazy, too).
So then he started telling me about the other
problems he was having with her.
About how often they were fighting.
“She just doesn’t understand what I’m going
through, and how frustrated I am,” he told me.
“Well, what do you do about it?” I asked.
“Well, I just don’t talk to her when she
gets like that! I mean, she just cries, and
wants me to hold her, like that’s going to make
everything all right, which it won’t, because
it isn’t going to solve any problems anyway,
so then I have to hold her. Then we just get
into this big argument. Which then I never win
anyway, because she’ll just cry some more.”
I tried explaining that this is a classic sign
of the mood swings of bipolar disorder, and
that he would never win, so why does he
keep trying?
He just looked at me like I was crazy.
So many men just don’t get this part.
So this guy kept telling me more of his
wife’s behaviors, and they were all typical
bipolar behaviors, but he was like
blaming her for them, like she could do
something about them, if she just tried
harder, or like they were her fault, and
she was just doing them to “get back
at him” or something.
I asked him, “Do you do anything to
help her?”
He just gave me this blank stare.
Then he said, “Well, SHE’S the one with
the problems, not ME.”
I tried again to explain to him about
bipolar disorder and how she’s NOT
doing these things to “get back
at him” or anything, but that she has a
mental disorder and can’t help it.
He said some other things, and again I
asked him, “What are you doing to
help her?”
Guess what he did?
(Scroll down for answer)
He tried to pick a fight with ME!
Like I was the one to blame!
He really did NOT want to believe that
I was telling the truth about the things
I said.
And, I guess, he was offended, because
I kept asking him what he was doing
to help his wife (I really wasn’t trying
to offend him, honest).
Then guess what happened?
(Scroll down for answer)
He started to defend his wife!!!!
This guy started driving ME nuts!
Here I thought I was helping him, and
he started wanting to fight with me.
But, in his defense, I guess he was just so
frustrated over his wife’s behavior, and him
not understanding it, that he was taking
it out on me. I guess I can understand that.
In my courses/systems, I do talk
about bipolar behaviors and how
important it is for supporters to have
knowledge of them so that they can be
more understanding of their loved one:
NEW
LEARN THE SECRETS OF THE MOST SUCCESSFUL WITH
BIPOLAR DISORDER?
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/bipolarmastersystem/
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
But here’s what I took away from this,
and what I wanted to talk to you about.
What happened with this man is what I call
the “Supporter Mirror Test.”
It’s like, before you start complaining
about your loved one’s behavior,
you have to look at yourself in the
mirror and have to ask yourself,
“Have I done everything to help
my loved one?”
I mean, there’s no one standing over
you judging your behavior – you
have to be your own judge, but
really, ask yourself if you could
pass the Supporter Mirror Test today.
Are you doing everything you can
to help your loved one?
Are you being kind and understanding
when they have their mood swings, or
are you just pushing them away, or
acting annoyed?
Because they’ll see that as rejection,
and that’s not good for someone who
has bipolar disorder– they really need
to feel your support and understanding.
Are you supportive and patient when
sometimes they get irritable and
they’ll push you away, and that they
can’t help that, that it’s just part of
their disorder?
And the other things they do because of
their disorder, even if you don’t like the
behaviors, do you still try to be supportive
of THEM as a person who can’t help
themselves sometimes?
Are you doing everything you can to
help your loved one?
Ask yourself:
Can I pass the Supporter Mirror Test today?
David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post responses below
HI…..
What is it with men,No afence like but I don,t think they see were us woman come from . Surely men have feelings. Were all hard on the out side and soft on the inside arnt we.
Take Care Linda x
Do you ever get sick of thinking about and analyzing BiPolar disorder?
Good Morning David. I agree, and think that is a good idea. I think part of what you are saying, is for the supporter to be consciously aware of how he or she “is” with, and to the bipolar patient. To realize that perhaps some enabling may be going on, or dis-reality in understanding what the symptoms of bipolar are and how that really affects the patient and the supporter alike. To be in the now, and understand the symptoms and to know weather the patient has what I’ve read to be…I forget the term, but it refers to when the bipolar person is in episode and that they don’t believe they have a problem or disorder. It is not the same as denial. Although, there may be trouble with them wanting to take meds, for something they don’t think they have a problem with. The reason I bring this up, is because my brother suffers with it. There is nothing anyone in the family can do to “snap him out of this state of disbelief”. So, he walks around sick and untreated. Anyway, as a person with bipolar myself and with siblings with the disorder, I understand what you say when you say to use the mirror test. It helps me to realize things that may not have been so obvious. But, at the same point, we also have to realize there is only so much we can do as we cannot force a loved on into treatment or anything of the kind. I told my sibling, before he “ran” to another country that we would look into getting him help when he returns. Well, he is know where to be found. So, I have spent a lot of time worried to no end where to be worried was futile. It did nothing to help the situation his, mine or ours. So, this “mirroring” is a good tool. It helps me to put things into their proper perspective.
Thanks for your email!
Have a great day everyone!
Please forgive me Dave when I say men are idiots. I know you do your best to present bipolar mood swings as you are able to understand them. I’m bipolar so I’m guilty of being a chameleon, too, but women are moody. We endure 30 to 40 years of monthly inconvenience while our hormones yank us all over the place. It would make anyone cranky – bipolar women and non bipolar women. Being exempt from monthy interruptions guys are spoiled creatures when it comes to regularity of moods. Get over yourselves and stop blaming all mood swings on bipolar.
Hi Dave,
Your friend may be stuck. Did you ask him if they have a plan together? Have they talked and both support each other in this plan that you have laid out for people with Bi Polar and their families? I think your plan is a good ideal to begin a whole new different life for these people.
But, if you are involved with a person who has bi-polar and they refuse to accept this and they are self medicating themselves, by a doctor that does not specialize in this field. It is really hard to interduce this plan into the situation until the person with bi-polar decides for theirself to except it and want to learn about it. I’m in a situation right now where I’m trying to get a plan down with a person who refuses to even talk about it and I don’t have any support from family members. This is very difficult for me, but I have learned that there is no other way for the both of us to live a happy life together. Because of me being pursistant with my plan, it has led us to separate and I have looked at it as being on vacation. I kind of like it!
Thank-you. My son is bipolar and I am his target. I’m slowly getting to understand his mood swings and verbal attacks on me. He too is begining to realize he is bipolar. I now know I have been acting accordingly when he lets me. I know how scarey his condition is for him as well as me. At the point we are at it’s other people, friends and relatives who have all kind of negative things to say. That’s becoming the hard part.
Well how does one remain supportive and understanding when one is always being accused of being the one having a mental problem and being the root cause of her unhappiness and disatisfaction with living together, now for thirty years. Says she wants to leave me but takes no positive steps to do so. Wants her share of the assets and until she gets it she will continue living with me unhappily. Claims she wants her space, accuses me of trying to control her all the time. Is running her own business albeit at a loss but wants no questions asked when she spends wildly. Is quite okay not having any physical contact for over a year now, seems to be involved with someone over the telephone with late night messaging, about which she is very secretive and cant stand being asked any questions. Another reason she prefers not sharing the bedroom is so that she continu messaging till well after 2 am at night. Can never second guess what she will be offended about, her anger is always self righteous and fully justified. The more she is in the right the more out of control she becomes. Her loss of control is like a self generating cyclonic storm, at times causing her to launch a physical attack or try to break things, such as a telephone of even a glass or plates. How does one remain supportive in such circumstances. She refuses to meet with the Psychiatrist or even the Psychotherapist and wont openly accept that she needs medication. I have overheard her telling someone that she had a certain number of Xanax tablets but that she still had a terrible headache. Gets upset if I talk to her Psychiatrist, who tries to call her but she just wont pick up her phone. She just cannot forgive me for telling her that I think she is unwell and feels that it is an unacceptable stigma to be labeled Bipolar. She has insisted that I should also meet with the Psychiatrist to get myself treated, which I have done on several occasions just to humor her but nothing seems to be working. What can one do?
“Typical BP behaviour…”
Why would it NOT be typical PMS, PMT PDDD…..
Yes Women get moody, have done since time began.
Due to the Hormone drop B4 Menstruation….
Same as when you cease the Roids…
However their is FAR more Money in BP than PMS….. Isn’t their Davo?
Get a life……..
Is this scenario that you describe based a person with bi-polar who is properly medicated and seeing a therapist? I am somewhat new to supporting a loved on with bi-polar and I guess I expect that when properly medicated and seeing a therapist, these behaviors will be minimal. Am I off base or is it a realistic expectation?
Mirroring is something everyone needs to do all the time to help keep yourself from hypocrisy. The Bible even talks about htis in James 1:21ff. Jesus also taught this concept in Matthew 7:3-5.
Dave, I’m glad you are trying to help others, yet the real answer lies in something deeper than medication–it is a healing of the spirit, which will resonate healing up through the rest of one’s being.
I agree with Troy on this one. Of course, women have their “monthlys,” and that must be taken into consideration. But once they are diagnosed with bipolar disorder, it’s even MORE difficult to differentiate the two. I was MUCH worse off while I had PMS than I am now (in menopause). Haven’t had a serious manic episode since 1977. BUT – YES, I AM moody at times, and am now in “mixed episode” where my meds have been tweaked to get me through the difficult time I’m having.
ALL the external stressers are working against me at the SAME TIME, and they have caught up with my illness (seemingly subconscious), as I don’t FEEL the difference. I becamse VERY labile in my shrink’s office about a month ago, and she upped my antipsychotic. Then, when we both figured out Valium wasn’t working, she put me on Klonopin. BIG difference in my mood…
Unfortunately, right now, it feels like “blank affect,” where you’re neither happy or sad – just “blah.” Would I rather have my REAL moods, or would I rather feel like THIS?? My shrink is only impressed with my mood being stabilized, NOT with how “happy” I feel or do not feel. I’m seeing her in 2 weeks, instead of bi-monthly, so we can hash this “tweaking” out and figure out just WHAT is going on.
It IS important that the supporter sit down with their loved one and TRY to figure out just exactly WHAT they need to feel “comfortable;” what would help them feel “better.” This is best done BETWEEN episodes, when the one with bipolar can best explain their needs.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
To Troy:
1) My experience is that men are MUCH moodier than women.
2) There is more money to be made from PMS than bipolar these days. Get yourself informed.
To Dave:
Sounds like that guy has trouble empathizing. Without empathy, the relationship is doomed, no matter what.
I think something that most have missed in these responses today is that many other disorders go hand in hand with bipolar. I have hypothyroidism, which is a risk factor for bipolar. I was diagnosed with PPMD after my bipolar diagnosis. Treatment for the bipolar as well as the PPMD and they hypothroidism has helped with all of my mood swings, including those caused by PMS. While I am moody during PMS, it is more normalized, it is what should be expected with the hormone shift.
Now on to comment regarding Dave’s example today. I’m sorry, this man sounds extremely selfish. I put my husband through hell for a year before my diagnosis. Never once did he walk away. When I cried, he would cry with me if it got too much for him. He stuck by me and never even thought of blaming me for my problems…even though he didn’t understand them, even though I didn’t understand them.
Since my diagnosis, and through counseling, we have traveled miles. I now know when to ask him for help or when I feel my moods shift. He has come to recognize symptoms and moves to head them off by giving me more support or taking over more of the household stress until I normalize. He has learned that joking about laundry not being done hurts me, and I am learning not to take those things so personally.
The main thing about a good supporter isn’t trying to anaylize and say what can I do to make it better for the person with bipolar, because there isn’t anything they can do to fix it. They can’t force pills down your throat or make the mood swings go away or even remove all stressors from your path. All a supporter can do is love you and help you weather the storm. If that means being with you and holding you, taking the kids to McDonald’s for supper so you have some alone time, or just listening to you rant and rave for a few minutes that’s what they’ll do. Those are things that we all need from time to time regardless of whether we are bipolar or not. Those things require more than education, they require love.
Being a supporter is no easy stroll in the park – Dave is right those people with Bipolar have a whole lot of things going on that they are not necessarily under their full control.
I asked my self this question early on during Rachels first bad episode-
Would Rachel in her well state truelly wish this “Bipolar” on herself- loss of her children to her ex partner, loss of dignity,loss of her [personal freedom, loss of her career Rachel was training to be a doctor,loss of connections with friends and family ?
– and the answer is emphatically NO !!
Rachel didnt ask for this disorder, and she definitely would never behave the way she has if she didnt have the disorder.
So it made me think “I love my daughter so much what can I do to help?
Much of what I have learnt I ve learnt through reading Daves emails He has so much relevant supporter information its just phenomenal and following up on his very useful links and hunting on my own through ther internet. anb there have been one or two really good mental health proifessionals along the way. I have been on Dves email blog for over a year now and I think Ive saved every single one because theres some real helful information there.
There are lots of things that my daugter says when she going through a mood swing I have learnt to not take personally – because I have learnt those hurtful words and actions are indicators of the enemy within her.I gauge my daughters well being from the intensity and length of time that she dwells in the mood place as to my daughters relative stability on that day in that hour.
Time of the month aside – negative behaviour usually is a result of something not right with Rachel’s medication or she hasn’t been taking her meds, or she hasn’t been sleeping well or something is bothering her or making her anxious.
I have learn’t to ignore what Rachel is saying ( during a mood swing) and reflect back to her the feelings I Pick up during our conversations i.e.that she may be sad or angry or anxious about something.
If I feel something is definitely wrong
I will alert the mental health staff to the situation promptly but I also tell Rachel I am going to do so.
Most of all I love my daughter and she will recover.
Regards
Shona
Empathy is fairly important. Sometimes I get affected by my boyfriend’s bipolar as if his moods were contageous. He was recently getting a little hypomanic, so the doctor slightly increased his anti-psychotics. It didn’t take long to plunge him into depression. I feel for him. We are having lovely spring weather at the moment and he does get affected by seasonal change. I’m at the beginning of the menopause, which gives me bipolar-type symptoms. This is why my boyfriend has a lot of empathy and seems to understand what PMS and all that feels like. I have had hormones from hell for 30 years and can’t wait for it all to come to an end with the menopause. I will be older and healthier.
SUSAN, you must have known some particularly moody men. In my life women have been far worse trouble than men.
TRISHA, not all men are idiots. Just like we can’t fully comprehend what it’s like to have bipolar unless we have it. A man can’t be expected to fully understand what a flooding period feels like. If the man (in Dave’s email)’s wife has raging hormones as well as bipolar it can be hell for her. But it can also be hell for her husband to have to deal with it, certainly frustrating.
Dave,
Would appreciate some feedback on my predicament because everyone she confides in (such as her friends) encourage her to completely separate from me, assuming that her behaviour is entirely provoked by me and that she needs her space to function normally. She projects herself as a very successful person and blames me for bringing a negative aura into her life. If I say that I am trying to be a bit realistic she will say that I am just a big loser and that she only wants to hear positive things all the time.
Let me start with, Dave you are great. Thank You for all that you do. Now…
Along the same storyline…though not really.
I have BiPolar and have been fighting with it my whole life. Well actually just in the last few months when they finally figured out what it was i had. I am divorced a definately split on the blame of being BiPolar and marrying a very selfish man. My new dilemma…i am now with a wonderful man who is very patient…understanding…everything i could ever possibly need. However, he is also Diabetic and tends to experience very similar mood swings and the like as i do. Top it off, he has a long long long laundry list of family tragedies that he has never really dealt with. Needless to say, we are a VERY moody couple. LoL Anyway, my problem is rooted in the fact that he does have all of this sadness that he refuses to get over and move on with his life for. He is very needy and almost craves the attention he receives because of these heartbreaks. Those who are also BiPolar will agree with me, the last thing any of us want is to be emulated or for people to think its some sort of a treat to be BiPolar. I get that impression from him. He uses phrases like “When i was in that manic episode…” or my personal favorite, “I know exactly what you mean, i feel like that all of the time.” EEEERRRRRRRRRGH!!! Okay so finally…..my question for any who dare to take a crack at….For those of us who deal with this disease, how do we show support to our supporters…cause God knows we have so few of those…when they may be just as emotionally troubled as we are? And is it even worth pursuing a relationship that i have to be not only the supported…but the supporter??? Any help???
My husband is a lot like this man, I think this man may be in denial a little bit. Though he loves his wife so he defends her. My husband loves me deeply, but feels as though my “issues” are not chemical. I was first diagnosed in 2003, again in 2006, and again confirmed here in 2009. I seek help during my depressions, I have zero support, so I never stay the course. I have been married once before, he did not support my use of medication to stabilize, did not support the fact that I needed to see a therapist, he said I could talk to him, load of crap. In 2005-2006 during a mania, I went loco and in a period of 5 or 6 months I had done some horrible things that ended w/ divorcing this man, quitting my job…etc. I crashed into depression and sought help, had a new boyfriend (my now husband) who I then found out did not support medication and therapy either. I quit taking meds and stopped going. Here I am again. Digging my way out. I don’t know how to make him see, that he is in denial. I have been told to take control of my life, my meds, my illness, and that is what I am doing. But I need the support of the man I trust the most, without that, I am terrified, I feel like a lost little girl. I can only imagine what the woman in the story feels like, I think I can relate, I think I am living it. No support=denial=mania=only God knows what happens next.
DAVE, how do I help him understand. How do I help him stop denying it. I need help, I’m afraid that I will slip out of helping myself again without the support. I know that sounds weak, but I need him to be there for me. What do I do?
This was a great e-mail. It shows so much misunderstanding between the man and the woman – and between the man and Dave.
The man blames the woman for “her” problem, but fails to realize she cannot help herself with this problem, because she has bipolar. The man is thinking this is a problem with the woman understanding what “love” is. He does not realize, or cannot comprehend that the woman’s mind is “broken” by bipolar and cannot help herself. The man is angry, then Dave explains the truth.
The man gets even more angry with the truthful explanation, and starts defending the bipolar wife, clearly misunderstanding all the concepts Dave explained to him.
This is precisely going on in relationships where one individual in the relationship cannot believe that their partner’s mind is broken and needs to be taken care of differently than they ever knew.
It is difficult to wrap one’s mind around the concept that their partner is essentially disabled in ways that cannot be fixed – only cared for. This should bring out the men from the boys, and the women from the girls.
How much do you love your partner? Enough to become a bipolar supporter? Then I suggest if you do not get Dave’s more-than-enough education packs on being one, you should at least attend a free educational class to get the basics, and the gist of what is going on with our partner, because it’ll affect the both of you.
Anyone thinking of being a bipolar supporter, or who needs their partner to be more of a supporter, should encourage their partner to attend the completely free NAMI educational classes/group therapy for supporters. If they are not willing to listen to Dave’s recordings, or read Dave’s material in depth to gain understanding, then a weekly session with NAMI bipolar support groups should give the supporter enough of an idea of what they are dealing with to stop doing and saying non-supportive stuff.
If you want someone to be a supporter, they have to first understand what they are dealing with to support.
Still no response, what is the way forward in the presence of this complete denial of being in any way disabled and refusing to openly take medication or counseling? Hope to get some practical suggestions, although I do not see her breaking away completely but the unhappiness and lack of fulfillment is evident in the abnormal relationships that are in effect!!
To Ed
I am in tears reading your post. Thank you so much for the wisdom and honesty in your words. I’m not sure if you read my post right above yours, but this is the answer to my question. Thank you so much! I will definitely look into these things right away, as I am trying to help myself, and need my husband to support me. Again, thank you.