Hi,
How’s it going?
I hope you’re doing well.
It’s really cold here today, I guess because it’s fall.
I have a lot of stuff to do today so I have to get going.
Okay, so I want to talk to you about a concept called:
THE MATURITY MYTH
The way this works is that you imagine something in the future and you think everything is going to be ok once you get there… but when you get there, everything isn’t ok.
So then you imagine something else in the future and that everything will be ok once you get there… but when you get THERE, everything isn’t ok either. And on and on and on.
There’s lots of people who do this.
And they never realize what they’re doing.
Kids do it all the time: “When I grow up…”
Teenagers do it: “When I’m on my own…”
Young people do it: “When I get married…”
Young men do it: “Once I buy a house…”
Young women do it: “Once I start having children…”
Then they say: “Once I get that perfect job…”
Then it’s: “Once I get that promotion…”
Or: “Once I open my own business…”
And everyone says, “My life will be so much better when…”
That’s the Maturity Myth: “My life will be so much better when…” such-and-such happens.
But even when you get whatever it is you think you want, your life may not be so much better. Or even so, then you’ll want something else.
“Now that I’ve got that family car, I can start saving for that sports car I want.”
“Now that we’ve got that starter house, we can start saving for that bigger house.”
“Now that I’ve got a job, I can start looking for a career.”
See what I mean?
THE MATURITY MYTH.
The problem is, nobody figured:
“Once I get bipolar disorder…”
But once you throw bipolar disorder into the mix, you’ve got a whole new set of problems.
If you still submit to the Maturity Myth, now you’ll sound like…
“My life will be so much better when they find a cure for bipolar disorder.”
“My life will be so much better when my family and friends accept my bipolar disorder.”
“My life will be so much better when my loved one just understands me.”
“My life will be so much better when I can go off disability and go back to work.”
————————————————————————
Did you notice a common thread in those last few comments?
They weren’t realistic.
That’s why they’re a part of the Maturity Myth.
MYTH. It says it in its very name.
A myth is something that isn’t true.
In my courses/systems, I teach how to deal realistically with bipolar disorder:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
There is no cure for bipolar disorder. So believing that there is will not keep you realistic when you’re trying to manage it.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with making plans or setting goals. That’s a positive thing. In fact, when it comes to bipolar disorder, that’s one of the things I encourage. Setting goals is important for productivity, which is important for people with bipolar disorder.
But the kind of forward thinking that comes with the Maturity Myth is NOT positive. Although it “tricks” you into thinking so, it just keeps leading you on into an imagined future that will just keep letting you down.
Obviously, some planning, anticipating, and looking forward to future events and accomplishments is a necessary part of success. You need that to feel good about yourself. You need to know where you’d like to go in order to get there. That just makes sense. However, some people take this planning too seriously and get into the Maturity Myth, and it just ends up hurting them. They end up thinking about the future too often, and lose sight of the “now moment.”
Dealing with bipolar disorder means dealing with things that are happening today, on a daily basis. Worrying about tomorrow, or things to come, will only stress you out, and one of the things you need to learn to do in managing your disorder is stress management. It’s not a good trade to sacrifice the daily joys that could be yours to trade them for some imagined future happiness that may or may not come true.
Try to get the most out of today that you can, and don’t fall for the Maturity Myth!
FIND OUT WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT ME
Visit: http://www.bipolarcentral.com/testimonials
David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post responses below.
I have a friend who requires info on ant support for some one with BPD here in Ireland.can you recommend something to me Thank you Kristian
This has made me laugh a bit… “Once I get bipolar disoder….”(giggle)
my lover is has epilepsy,an bipolar ,(not a good combination) an this keeps all those who really love him baffled as to what we can do to keep him on an even keel ,we are having so much trouble ,now i f or one cannot earn monies caus he has to be continously watched for episodes of both, ,any suggestions
I really related to this although maybe a little differently. My husband is a flooring contractor and he’s always, always saying “By the end of this week, I should clear about $1200, so we don’t need to worry about money right now.” Well, the $1200 never comes. Something happens – jobs fall through, people change their minds and hire someone else, the materials don’t come in, etc. He never plans for or anticipates those things, even though it happens every week! And when he does get paid something, he almost always manages to “lose” it somewhere. We finally had to separate because I couldn’t count on anything he told me and I was sinking financially. I talked to him just last night and heard about all the money he’s going to make this weekend. I tell him not to count on any money until he has it in his hand, and he gets mad at me. It’s enough to make me want to scream.
Living “in the moment,” and having “mindfulness” is sooo important for us bipolars. Instead of thinking, “When I get better on my meds,” I’m thinking, “What if I HADN’T gotten bipolar disorder?” This leads down a VERY unhealthy path.
Of COURSE my life would have been different. I don’t think I’m as happy as I was before I had my first episode. But – I have to think about what would make me happy WITHIN the bipolar. I can’t control the panic attacks, or the worry when everything caves in around me, and I’m burdened by things beyond my control.
I’ve gotten into a financial mess NOT of my doing (the CPA failed to file TWO years of taxes!), but I’ve also gotten in this mess with overspending with “plastic.” When I HAD money (as a landlady for 30 years), I could spend pretty much as I wanted. Now, it’s a VERY different story. I got caught up in the “easy money” that the credit cards lure you into, especially on spending sprees when I’m in an episode. Now, I’m in the process of refinancing my mortgage – and have had the closing postponed for THREE weeks in a row!! Of course, the tightening of money because of the banking crisis here in the US has something to do with it, I’m sure. But I haven’t even HEARD from my mortgage broker since last Monday, when he said we would close yesterday! Being “up in the air” when your very survival is threatened, leads to stress, and I’m under a LOT of it right now.
So – the “Maturity Myth” remains a part of my personality, I’m afraid. “If thus-and-so occurs,” “When thus-and-so happens;” I’m caught up in it, and I’ll be darn if I can’t find a way out of it. I guess my only alternative is to TRY and “live in the moment” and disregard the “demons” who get into my head, and drive nails into my brain with worry. I really DO try to be realistic, but I have a mental illness, and I never know when/how this “myth” will happen again.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good.
This was a great reminder to live in the moment, to take care of today. I feel much less stressed-out when I stop worrying about tomorrow, which I cannot predict or control, and attend to whatever today brings, both good and bad. For today I can actually do something, even if it is small, to improve my situation. Sometimes all I can do is pray for my loved one, so that is what I do. It is super hard not to worry about the future, especially when it comes to my loved one, and many times prayer is the best thing I can do about those worries. Some scriptures come to mind when I think about this:
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life, or one cubit to his height? . . . Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Matthew 6:27 and 34.
Cast all your anxiety on him (God) because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7.
I really love all the knowledge and literature of “Bi-Polar” that you write to me about each and every day! It gives me great insight about it all and I can understand very important issues that I have that I don’t think about and I know these things yet you write it clear plain as day. No-one, Someone, Anyone, Everyone, and Somebody is not around to help me like you can and I appreciate all you do and your dedication and the love to help Everyone! You inspire me a great deal. I wish there were more of you around me on a daily basis. Thanks and I look forward to your e-mails I receive each day because you make it brighter for me and let’s not forget to mention my daughter Andrea whom has put up with me her whole 13 1/2 years. She has been my support and yeah she gets tired of my moods well ok “Bouncy Rides” only I read her some and well just everyday life is much more sunshine in it because of you Mr. Oliver, thanks again for all you do. I have been seeking for many years for literature like yours and it’s very helpful and meaningful for me and for the most part my daughter.
I think living for today is one of the hardest things to master.. I am still working on it all the time. Meds help but like you said,there is no cure. The dream police are always in my head and they won’t leave me alone. Thanks for your daily e-mails Dave I really appreciate them. Don’t you send the news letters out anymore with the bipolar survivor stories. I really miss those.
Karen
Living in faith each day helps to control the ‘will have desires’ that come to all of us whether we are in the prime of life or just starting, or getting nearer to the ‘so called ‘golden’ years’ .
I appreciate your sharing of the ‘myth’s as such, as I hadn’t really heard anyone define it like that, but it does help to give one a bit of perspective of how others really do think . We’re at the point with needing to trust God to help us with the Job finding situation, for my husband, as he is not employed at this particular time, and so not having the problems that are described here, that would make it easier, with the age factor though being one of real consideration. He’s not 30 anymore, he’s twice that age, and the plant that he had been working at has laid off a lot of people, so he is in the boat of searching for a hopeful work situation. He isn’t alone, and we pray that he will find a job. In the meanwhile my sister is concerned about his getting a job, and she is the one with the health problem. So that is the concern we have for her. Thanks for the clarification on the myth status, it seems I hear that too, only it’s more like, when I get the job, we’ll be on ‘easy’ street mentality and that is only if the LORD will allow it as I understand only HE can manage the work force and knows who needs to have the jobs. For those of you who do pray, I appreciate it much. Thanks,
My son is 16 and we have this issue everyday,He is bipolar he wanted out of public school because it would be better.So we did it ha had other health issues that made me decide this would be best for him.Well he doesn’t like it to well alot to learn an adjust to.So he says when iam 18 or 17 iam dropping out that would be better for me,iam gonna marry stephanie and marrying her will make his life Better its as if hes never happy always thinking somethings better than what he has and he been shown Many times thats not the case but still he thinks he will be so.hes 16 if anyone has usggestions on dealing with a teenager i would love to hear them.Dave is my rock with out his newsletter i would just be lost he makes me realize there is more to bipolar that being informed is your best bet and i try to do that each day.
I couldn’t agree more! The Maturity Myth… Something that our “elders and betters” instilled into us. It’s like believing you can touch the horizon with your hands… The day I came into contact with Zen, I learned that life is NOW. Gestaldt field theory also encourages us to live here and now. And for some of us, bipolar is HERE AND NOW. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. A lifetime of bipolar has taught me to be humble, to take life on my stride and to respect other people and their circumstances. Thanks so much for this email, David! I’ll resend it to my friends, BP or not. And a big hug to those who wrote about their life experiences. There’s so much wisdom transpiring from your words!
I would like to thank you dave, you are all of the above and then some!I look forward to your emails everyday!I must say that the maturity myth and bipolar disorder email that I received today was by all means the best yet.I was diagnosed with bipolar -manic almost 30 years ago. I have been married for 22 years, and for 22 years I have been trying to get my family to understand what I go through on a daily basis with the many different fears I have. For the past 4 years I have basically been a prisoner in my own home to the point I couldn’t go to the dr. for my meds.I attempted it about a month ago just to have behavioral health tell me before we can put you back on your medication you will have to attend 3 group sessions then I will be given an appointment to see the dr.What I still don’t understand is my neighbor who drove me to the dr.has never been to behavioral health in his lifetime left the dr. with meds the same day , and when group sessions were mentioned he said he can’t do group sessions. And to this day has not taken one of his pills???????????Dave can you please help me understand this ? It took me years to be able to take myself to the dr. and for what ? all that I got out of the 2times I went was more depression. I asked what if I get to a low point as to where I attempt to harm myself,her comment was”maybe you better go to the hospital if that happens”. So now I’am right back wher I started at home being a what if person that has more fears than the man in the moon? thank you again dave for your many emails I have received from you. Hopefully you will send me an email that can help me . and I hope nobody has to go through this . By the way my behavioral health clinic is in victorville calif. thank you again. sandra gardner
There is a very old saying “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch”. I make plans like I will be alive the next month or so, but we are only promised the here and now. I spent all my teen years wishing to be 18, just to get in a situation a lot worse than the one I was escaping and so it has been throughout my entire life as I have been widowed twice and divorced 3 times, so how can you plan on the Maturity Myth with outside influences such as these. And then throw BP into the mix! I learned the hard way!
You’re so right on, Dave! It can definitely be a challenge to do, but a very worthy goal, to stay in the moment. And someone’s reply above reminded me of the Serenity Prayer:
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, & the wisdom to know the difference.”
Taking a deep breath, remembering that prayer, and knowing that NOW is all I have— that makes all the difference in my stress level. Keep up the great work— You make a real difference for many people— What a blessing!
Hi,
I would like to think you for all your doing for bipolar illness. I was very active with NAMI years ago before my Mother passed away, three years after my Mom died my Husband died I do not remember that year to year ½ after his death somewhere in that time frame I was told I was bipolar with the help of my kids I have come back. Up until March this year I was active and working, I even joined the local volunteer fire department as a firefighter and First responder at the age of 47, I think it was my life saver, I called it my purpose. My Daughter thinks it was the manic part of my illness, my Mother was a rapid cycle Bipolar. I wouldn’t fit that category. Then at the end of March, I fell messed up 4 disc, broke my tail bone and have not worked since, I am struggling every day now with crying and pain I have trouble sitting standing and walking, I of all people didn’t need this, I need, no (have) to be working It is one of the things that keeps me the most level and also I have bills to pay. I am at my wits end This kind of stress I don‘t know how to deal with.
I wish I could buy your program but I can not afford it but wanted to tell you that you appreciated.