Hi I just read the Bi-polar care taker email and that is exactly what I am. My husband insists he just has a bad temper and to go with that, he has dementia or possible early stage Alzheimer’s. So that one is a barrel of monkeys all the time. My daughter is 21 and I am trying to get her to be responsible. She and her boyfriend and a few other friends got together a couple of years ago and decided they needed to live in Portland, Oregon about an 8 hour drive from me. I am in the final stage of emphysema so my daughter uses that for her excuse to not try to be responsible. She has been between here and Portland so many times in the last couple of years that I lost count and she knows how to play me (of course because she has been doing it all her life) and she has to be here to spend all the time she can with me since I will die soon and she will not know what to do when I pass away. The problem with that is nobody knows how much longer I will live, could be several years. Her Dad will be worthless to her because he is the worst kind of bi-polar, in denial and untreated. He is 58 tears old and really bad. He had put me in the emergency several times while we were still married and has threatened me several times with “I got a bullet with your name on it” after I divorced him. I guess that since I am bound to die at an early age he has decided to quit threatening me and I don’t have to deal with him anymore, Thank God! But anyways I am a caretaker for 2 bi-polars and sometimes I get greedy and want to go to sleep and never wake up, not suicidal, just will be the end of my suffering all the way around.

Thanks for this – it’s a good reminder that “helping someone help themselves” is by far the best solution for everyone.

**Can someone post the online site mentioned above (from Graham)? I didn’t see that and would really like to find it!**

I have also become the bi-polar caretaker. Everything you described in your e-mail is right on! My husband also has problems from a serious closed head injury such as short-term memory problems, obsessive/compulsive behaviors, impaired judgement. He also was diagnosed this past fall with a degenerative eye disease and is losing his eyesight. Needless to say he has not dealt well with the diagnosis or with other changes that have occurred. This is the 1st year that neither of our daughters was able to be here for Christmas and the anniversary of his brother’s death. Due to an incident where I became the target for his anger and frustration, right now I am not going to be living with him. He is currently hospitalized in a VA hospital and trying to deal with the doctors and staff there is difficult. He has been assigned to a different psychologist and he said my husband also exhibits traits of someone in early stages of Alzheimer’s even though that is not his diagnosis. We are trying to get him in a treatment program, and the process is long and ongoing. His retina specialist has tried to impress upon the treatment team the physical and psychological consequences of someone losing their eyesight without all of the other problems. He made a referral to have him assigned to a low vision/blind rehab program. His father is elderly and none of his sisters can help him. His brother is overseas as well as one of our daughters, and the other daughter lives on the east coast. Needless to say, I am the only one who is able to help him or take care of him. We have been married for 33 years, and I have no problem with this. In fact, it seems I have been able to get more accomplished toward treatment and care for him without his presence! We have had good and bad experiences throughout the years dealing with the VA system. His head injury occurred as a result of a military exercise. I am hoping the VA will follow through this time and design a treatment program for him where he can feel he successful. If you ask him, he will tell you his life ended with the accident and subsequent head injury. This is the first hospitalization he has been treated strictly for the bi-polar and anxiety and he has not also been given anti-psychotic drugs, so we are hopeful this time that something can be done and will continue on a long term basis.

I have a 21 yr. old son with Bi-Polar and OCD. He has never been developmentally at his chronological age. How do I know when and what is the time to expect him to be independent and what that looks like with his issues.

Angela H

Yes David! Because let’s face it, if something happens to the person doing the “caretaking” then the person being taken care of is up the creek. I do worry about being a “caretaker” to my husband because that’s not how I want to define my life! Thanks for the reminder/warning.

To helenm:

I think that both my son and my husband have bi-polar although my husband hasn’t been diagnosed. My husband has been prescribed medicine for depression before, but will never take it after he begins to feel o.k. He feels less a man for needing meds. and sometimes he wants to take our son off all his too. My son and daughter and I all walk on egg shells around him. He sometimes asks why we all watch his every move. We tell him because we are looking for cues as to how he is feeling at the moment so we will be prepared for sudden rages or enjoy his times of enthusiasm. It is exhausting to ride a roller coaster over and over. I have to get away for awhile when both my son and my husband have been on the rampage at the same time. That includes access by phone. If you leave there is always some “emergency” that is an attempt to get you back home or in touch. My husband isn’t physically abusive but my son (before meds) has shoved me against walls and knocked holes in them. My husband can just make me feel like I never do anything right(or treat me like a queen) and that is when I have to leave because I know I do do things right most of the time. I also exercise and have hobbies (gardening, crossword puzzles, reading, and church groups) that help me when I can’t actually leave totally.

Angela H

This is very important. Thanks, Dave, for this reminder.
Question – Would it be negativity on my part if I tried to dissuade a friend who has bipolar from taking up a job that is potentially very stressful?

Hello, I have never wrote in a blog so I new at this. I have been through many, many bad incidents in my life, just a few sexual, mental, physical abuse for years by my step father, when I was 15 I told. Unfortunately in the 1980’s it was not so widely talked about. After a couple of dangerous events, I would leave FL, and move to Michigan where I met my husband, dated since we were 16 and now we are 41. We are both go getters, he prefers sucess, material things, and he would be happy just putting up his feet after work, He is a typical Capricorn Sun Sign. And there is me the sensitive, empathtic, easily bored, and extremely hyper Pices. When I look at the books all say the same thing our dates of birth are solemate dates, so although I am always on edge when it comes to trust, things have always been a bit of an egg shell relationship. But then we had a child, premature, weighing only 2.5 pounds he is 16 and perfect now. We had a girl 3 years later and again wanting to come very early but this time the doctors had me in and out of the hospital. When she was 6 weeks old my husband was carjacked and we got the heck out of Detroit and went to the peaceful hills of Tennessee. I felt so much better, a little depressed on occassion because we had no family here and my children were small so I didn’t have any friends. The doctor here gave me a prescription for a church he went to. I never went back. Then I became 30 very stressed, we started remodeling a 5000 sq ft home with an indoor swimming pool we definately we had bought just like the movie a money pit, I again started to morph, lost 40 pounds, went on Phen-Phen went back to work and many more. I had always worked, usually in sales, but real estate had always been my love. I as a child went to 14 different schools, and lived in 8 states, and had to date since I was 14 over 30 jobs. I was bored often until I started appraising homes, from the very small homes to over 20,0000 sq foot home. This is one of my passions. Things went really bad after my daughter came to us with the confession at 8 years old that my babysitters, husband a county sherrif researve had been sexually abusing my daughter, he did get a lot of jail time after it took 2 years to go to trial, but all of the closet doors had been opened and I was more effected that I started having bad dreams, pushing men especially my husband away. Disguted with sex, it was now a dirty thing all over again. I insisted that we move. I have always been very talkative, open, empathic, hard working, concencious, a good freind and family member. I had earlier at about 30 years old been diagonised with ADHD, the adderall 20 mg really worked very noticed how much better I did, not butting into conversations, not having all the racing thoughts, you know all the symptoms, I was sure it was ADHD. Then I was on Phen-Phen, and was taken off without being weaned now I was manic, and prescribed Depokote, after hearing some of the things about this drug I was not sure this was really for me so then it became 6 different antidepressants over the next 7 years. Then came effexor, that and the adderall was the ticket. When my daughter came forth with her confession nothing worked at all. Since this time both of children have had a genetic problem called a Chiari Malformation, both had to undergo a huge brain surgery. Both were A students before and they are again. So in this case I am so grateful, then my Mom had a breakdown, my Grandfater and most important man in my life dies, and leaves over 1/2 million dollars to my mother who is 60 recently diagonised with bipolar, anarexia, and long term severe alcoholism, this was very emotional for me, brother 38 is in prison for crack and cocaine, changed jobs but was a very emotional change, worst of all was when I discoverd that my husband was having a very intimated internet affair with someone we graduated with 25 years ago. I really just wanted to curl up and die but instead I did every thing I could to hold on. Lost 50 pounds, got a new job that paid over $40,000 more than my other appraisal company, I just got a tummy tuck, I guit smoking cigarettes, and vertually stopped drinking. I felt stronger and more confident than ever. I was getting over the affair, but there are so many triggers, everyday, a song, a statement, a picture, a new or old friend confiding in there own experiences. So now I have become extremly over sensitive, and then I pout till I explode. It has been this awful cycle for 16 months now. I can’t stop the pain and the triggers, every show on tv, and music, and people. This one man that was and is going to be my soulmate again. So now I am cycling at least once a week if not several times, or even several times a day. It starts with hyper talk, then I get hyper sexual, then I get sensitive, then I become an armed gun, and then I am so tired and depressed for 2 days, till I just get over it and start the cycle again. Now I went to the doctors last week expecting a 1 hour appt. to go over the 20 major incidents that are barely touched here I now have 15 minutes. I did not think the Lamictal was working and the dose of 20 mg of adderall was also not working. I am of course telling this stuff quite fast, and he told me I needed to go into a treatment center for at least a week than intensive outpatient for at least a month then he would considered a weekly program. So now I have been diagnosed with ADHD, then Post Tramatic Disorder when I first came to him with all the whoes of my daugther sexual abuse, internet emotional adultry, and so much more. Then because I am talking fast and telling him how all of my feeling have been applified and the meds need to be adjusted. Now he says I’m manic and bipolar and need in immediate inpatiet care to take me off these two medicines immediately. I don’t think so. since last week I have come off 200 mg of the 400 of Lamictal. Nothing yet on the adderall but I have an appt with my family doctor and maybe we can work on that next. I am not depressed or ever think of hurting myself maybe my husband but I think I would just perfer to run away to a safe place. What is the right label and what is the right treatment, I just can’t seem to figure this stuff out I have taken all of the self tests and it does appear that I could be a highly fuctional bipolar person. but I also have just about every system of a highly sensitive person, ADHD, and a post traumatic victum. I need real help not someone that takes 15 minutes out 2 times a year only to sign a prescription. If anyone relates I would love input, I know I am not crazy just a little confused with all the labels. I want to be hit on the head and get amnesia so I can just forget all of the terrible things that have happened to myself and my family.

Hi, I have Bipolar Disorder and in some of my episodes have run up quite a bit of debt. Can someone give me some guidance as to how I migh file bankruptcy on my credit card debt? I don’t have anyone to help me and now find myself broke and jobless. My husband just ignores the problem and thinks I should be able to get a job just anywhere. I’m 56 years old. Sometimes I have to go without my meds ’till I can get some money. I’m at the bottom of despair.
Jean

Like I’ve said, I have NO supporter other than the professionals at the local Community Mental Health clinic, and some days it’s more of a struggle than others. I have to be REALLY motivated to wake up before Noon, which leaves me unhireable for ANY job. Fortunately, I’m on Social Security disability, which I got on my own, so I don’t HAVE to work.

I sometimes need a friend to tell me when some of my ideas of starting a viable business are OK or out of the realm of believability. I.e., grandiose thoughts about what I’m capable of doing.

I did have a Mother who treated me as if I were NOT a mental patient, as she NEVER believed I was, at the time, a manic depressive. She and my aunts looked at me as if I were “normal,” and expected me to “act” that way. So – I was pressed into “becoming” normal over a period of months after getting out of a psychiatric hospital. My Mom DID, however, have a tendency to “baby” me; a neighbor, after my Mom passed, said, “Your Mom ALWAYS treated you as if you were 3 years old.” That freaked me out, that it was sooo obvious to others. I was 29 after my last hospitalization, and lived with her for a year before I became so independent that I moved out of her house and bought the apartment house.

She continued to help me in financial “crunches,” but now I don’t have that “cushion.” Whatever money I need now (in emergencies, say), I have to look for ways to get it on my own. Fortunately, I have always been able to re-finance wherever I’ve lived with no complications.

It IS best if the supporter does NOT become a caretaker. In my own experiences, I’ve found that the more “normal” I feel, the better off I am. Also, the more “normal” I’m treated, the more my behavior complies.

BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love them. Stay sane in this “crazy” world, and know that God loves you.

pls take care of your health.
Thanks.

To NIGHTLADY: I have ALWAYS been a “nightowl.” I thrive in the early morning hours (9PM-3AM mostly), and can get a lot accomplished in the relative silence at night. I am NOT a morning person.

I will pull an all-nighter occasionally, when I have my inbox full and need to delete, or have an early morning doctor’s appointment. But as I get older (I turned 60 yesterday), I find it harder to make it through the day. I was on Seroquel for 3 months, and my energy was drained; I “dragged tail” all day, until my meds were changed.

Last night, I took my night meds at Midnight, which always gives me a “rush” for about an hour, and then set my alarms for 4AM. Same thing happened; it was HARD to get out of bed (I usually “bound” out when I get up early). I got my “second wind” at 10PM, and will probably stay up until 1 or so.

As Dave says, I am NOT a doctor, lawyer, or Indian Chief. If your thyroid test came back negative, I would look into a second opinion. It could be perimenopause, but you could also need some mood stabilizer.

I am on Social Security disability for bipolar disorder, so don’t HAVE to work. There is no 9-5 job that I could possibly do with my erratic sleep patterns. Perhaps that’s an avenue you could pursue.

Good luck to you, and I wish you peace.

I use to never get away. I always answered the phone and I was always afraid not to respond to his threats that he would kill himself if I didn’t come. Because I quit work when my son was born to be a full time mom–the only thing I ever wanted besides being a great wife–I felt even more like I should be available especially when every one else had abandoned him. At first I even enjoyed being needed so much and being the one he chose. Then I had a second child and she deserved my attention too. Pretty soon I was exhausted because, not working outside the home, I never got away even for a little while. Then I had surgery
and I fell apart. I think that I reacted so poorly to the surgery because I had gotten so worn down.
I realized that to get well and to stay well, that I would have to take the risk of my son acting on his threats if I took a trip, and I would have to NOT answer my phone–I do listen to messages and check in sometimes, but on my terms. Of course my son is on medications and they control the worst of his symptoms, but I have found that he adjusts to my being gone if I do check in with him and reassure him he is handling things very well. To be a supporter of someone with Bi-Polar, I have to take care of myself too. Being a supporter of someone with Bi-Polar is more stressful than a normal relationship at best. There is always the hyper-alertness of a new parent listening for the cries of their infant. With time, treatment, and good counseling AND the bi-polar person’s desire to be more highly functional, it becomes easier to relax and just be someone who they know will not reject them because they are different and is patient with and encouraging of their attempts at independence, self-control, and sticking with treatment protocol. Saying all this makes it sound easy and I am so aware that there are periods when it seems nothing is helping enough. But we all have our negative side and need someone who loves us enough to see us through it and themselves enough not to do so much for their loved one that they end up needing someone to rescue them as well.

Angela H

SUZANNE, thanks for your advice. Like you, I wouldn’t be able to work so-called “normal hours”. The very idea of having to get up early every day gives me nightmares. A lot of people think I’m lazy, but I can work very well in my own time. The only 9 – 5 job for me would have to be 9pm to 5am!
My body clock is certainly screwed up. Tonight I got really tired and drained of energy until about midnight. Now I’m wide awake again.

Many happy returns for yesterday. Hope you had a good day and a great year ahead.

To Brian,
Like Brian, I am walking on eggshells ,yet.Always when I talk something it appears that is for nothing.But I think that I am doing progress because things like necessity of take med. and have a therapist, are been discussed and clarifyng. But I only got this after my loved one was relatively stable with a medication.It appears that the complete stabilization d’ont exist.The problem that you said: the words could not be taken in his really way.Brian,I think you must be calm and do not admit to go in the weekend unless she admits to go to the doctor.The main, in the moment, is her to take medicine,so she could be stalized.I don’t want to say that ,but appears that she is blackmailing you.Lilian P.