Bipolar Supporter Blog

Hi,

I was thinking about something today. It’s about what we have to do to get ahead in our society. It’s what we have to do to reach the goals we set for ourselves. It’s what everyone has to do to make their dreams come true, if they really want them to.

If anything is really important to you, you have to do this: MAKE SACRIFICES. But making sacrifices can hurt.

Here’s what I mean. I got the following email the other day from someone who tells it this way:

Dave:

I have a husband Bill who has bipolar disorder. Usually he is pretty good. Well at least he was
for a long time. So I went out and got a job. This was good for awhile. But then he went into a deep depression. He wouldn’t do anything. He would get up and he would get out of bed, but only to go to the couch. When I left for work, he would be on the couch, and when I got home from work, he would still be on that couch. And nothing would be done around the house.

I started to get mad, because I would be tired from work and have to come home and do everything around the house, too. But this wouldn’t even bother him because he was so
depressed.

I started to think that it was because of me working that he was so depressed, so I sacrificed
my job just to stay home and take care of him. But he isn’t any better. And now all the bills
from his bipolar disorder are mounted up and are getting bigger, and we don’t have any way
to pay for them because I don’t have my job any more.

I don’t even know what to do. I can’t work because I need to take care of Bill, but if I don’t
work, we don’t have the money to pay for his bills for his bipolar disorder. I am so frustrated, I feel like giving up myself.

Help me, Dorothy.

———————————————————————————————————————

See, the thing is…MAKING SACRIFICES CAN HURT YOU. In other words, you can sacrifice so much that it hurts.

Enabling is when you do things that allow your loved one to continue doing unacceptable behavior. This is bad for both of you.

Like with Dorothy in the email. Yes, she made a sacrifice for her husband in quitting work to stay home and take care of him and his bipolar disorder. And on the surface that seems like a good thing. It seems like something she should be congratulated for, actually. Like she’s being a super supporter.

But is she really? Actually, she is being an enabler, when you really look at it. And she is hurting both of them (remember, she talked about the bills?) They are at least being hurt financially.

The better sacrifice would be if she got Bill the help he really needed. For her, she should be able to work if that’s what she wants. It is NOT her responsibility to stay at home and take care of her husband.

He is an adult and he should take care of himself, in spite of the fact that he has bipolar disorder.
If he is in a depressive episode and is laying around on the couch every day depressed, he does need help. Rather than her quitting her job, it sounds like maybe he needs a change in his medication.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews762/

Brain Cells May Predict Bipolar Patients’ Response to Lithium
DO> This study is among the first of its kind.

Psychologist: Driver in OSU crash is bipolar, not competent to stand trial
DO> Do you think she sounds incompetent?

New Mood Disorders Program Aims to Advance Treatments, Erase Stigma
DO> This gift will help with critical research.

Early stages of pediatric bipolar disorder: retrospective analysis of a Czech inpatient sample
DO> Important study, don’t you think?

Shared Traits of Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder
DO> Interesting study, don’t you agree?

Evolution Of Mood Disorders: New Theory Suggests Being Moody Helps Us Adapt To New …
DO> This study makes an interesting point.

Brain patterns in ADHD and bipolar disorder
DO> These researchers identify an important discovery.

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews762/

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

Have you ever heard the question asked, “If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one around to hear it fall, does it still make a sound?”

Or what about the question, “When you shut the door on your refrigerator, does the light still stay on?”

Do you believe there are people who really worry about the answers to these questions (and others like them)? Maybe it’s because they’ve got nothing better to do with their time, or maybe because they’ve got too much time on their hands.

Maybe it’s because these types of people always have to know what’s going to happen ahead of
time or they feel insecure. Or maybe they just have to know all the answers to everything.

These are the types of people who can’t deal with unpredictability. But as a supporter, you have to live with this (unpredictability) all the time, since bipolar disorder is not a predictable illness.

Wait. Let me take that back for a second. Yes, you can know predictability in two ways:

1. You CAN know the signs and symptoms of the disorder.

2. You CAN know your loved one’s warning signs and triggers.

But you CAN’T predict when a bipolar episode is going to happen. Not even a psychiatrist can
predict that. It’s like a fortune teller predicting the future!

You also have to live with unpredictability (usually a lot of it) when your loved one is in an episode. There’s no way to predict the behavior of a person in a manic episode. Nor is there any way to predict the consequences of that behavior. (Unless, of course, you are familiar with the behavior, and you are the one who has set down the consequences for the behavior, like if it has happened before, or something like that.)

Otherwise, you just have to deal with the unpredictability of it. Your loved one may go off on a spending spree. They may exhibit sexually promiscuous behavior. They may go gambling. They may exhibit other impulsive risk-taking behaviors. They may take the checkbook and/or credit cards and put you into debt. They may make foolish business decisions or ventures. They may do other behaviors that you can’t predict during their episode.

One thing that might be of help with the problem of unpredictability in your life is to know your loved one’s triggers.

Knowing your loved one’s triggers can help you as a supporter to help your loved one avoid
a bipolar episode. Then what you can both do is that, after the episode is over is to look at what happened during the episode so that it doesn’t happen again. Or what you can do during the episode to minimize the consequences afterward.

By doing this, you can take some of the unpredictability out of your loved one’s bipolar disorder.
This takes good communication skills between the two of you. It also takes a willingness to cooperate and to work at making things better.

If you hold resentments against your loved one (say, for something they did during a manic episode), and you don’t forgive them, you will hold things in, and you won’t talk to them as readily or willingly.

The same goes for them. If they don’t feel that they can trust you, for example, they may hold their thoughts and feelings in, and not share them with you honestly and openly.

If this happens, you have a breakdown in communication. Then you’re not fighting on the same team any more. And there is no chance for being able to cope with the unpredictability of your loved one’s bipolar disorder. You need to be together on this issue.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

Do you and your loved one fight a lot? Then you might relate to the email I recently got:

“Dear Dave,

I am so tired of the fighting. There just doesn’t seem to be an end to it any more. I hate it! I don’t
want to walk around mad all the time but that’s what it feels like any more. Every time I turn around my wife says something that well just pushes my buttons! And she knows how to do it boy does she ever! She knows just how to say that one thing that just pushes me over the edge and make me so mad that I see red! And then I just want to punch something. And I could’ve
been having a great day up to then and the fight just comes out of nowhere that’s how it goes. But it happens that way all the time lately. She just picks on me. About everything. She just picks and picks at me. Like I said she pushes my buttons. I don’t know what to do. I try not to fight back I really do but she just makes me so mad. I know its probably just the bipolar talking but then I think that’s just an excuse and she could help it if she wanted to she just doesn’t try. But I am just so sick of all the fighting. Does everyone go thru this? George”
———————————————————————————————————————

Well…I can certainly sympathize with George. And I can’t say whether everyone goes through the fighting or not, but I do know that many, many supporters do report that they go through fights with their loved ones.

And I know that even I had to go through a fight or two with my mom trying to get her to do what needed to be done to get better with her bipolar disorder. It got really bad sometimes, like when she yelled at me and screamed that she didn’t want me to be her son any more.

So I know what this man means about how his loved one can make him so mad by pushing his buttons. It’s a sad fact, but our loved ones are so close to us that they know what will hurt us the most. And sometimes in their own anger, they will lash out and use that to try to hurt us or make us angry and fight back.

Unfortunately, fighting is just one of the things that can happen when you’re dealing with a loved one with bipolar disorder. But just because it’s a common thing, doesn’t mean you
have to put up with it.

Consider this story that Michele told me about her and her son, Tyler, when he was a teenager:

Teenagers can sometimes be very belligerent, but Tyler would get downright cruel sometimes, and his barbs would hurt Michele so bad that she would run into her room crying.

He always knew how to push her buttons. She would be feeling fine, and with just a word or two from him, she would be pushed to such anger, it would be like going from zero to 60 in a car in seconds!

The problem was, he had “learned” that he could get that reaction by doing or saying certain things. To Michele it seemed like he did it on purpose, and maybe he did. It didn’t matter, the result was the same. He would say something that pushed her buttons, and she would respond in anger, and a fight would inevitably ensue.

Then he would say more things during the fight that would push more buttons and make her even angrier, and always, out of hurt or anger, she would end up running to her room crying, and Tyler would “win” the fight every time.

One day, Michele was telling a friend about this problem of Tyler pushing her buttons and them fighting all the time, and the friend said simply, “Move your buttons.” She didn’t understand at first, because it seemed so simple, but her friend explained. “Whenever he tries to push your button, don’t react. Even if you get hurt or angry, don’t show it. Don’t say anything back. Just ignore it. Every time he does it.”

At first, when Tyler would push her buttons, Michele felt hurt and angry, but didn’t show it. But after awhile, she didn’t even feel the hurt or anger. Eventually, because he didn’t get the response he expected Tyler stopped trying to push her buttons, and the fighting stopped.

If you’re finding yourself in a lot of fights with your loved one like George or like Michele…
And you feel like they’re pushing your buttons too…You might want to try moving your buttons.

It worked for Michele! Just think about it…No more getting hurt and angry! No more fighting!
Wouldn’t that be great?

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews761/

Brain Cells May Predict Bipolar Patients’ Response to Lithium
DO> Important study, don’t you think?

Breakthrough eye test to diagnose mental health disorders
DO> This test is an amazing breakthrough.

Trick-or-treaters accidentally given bipolar meds at Quebec store
DO> This story is shocking!

General psychiatric support warranted in MS patients
DO> This study makes an important point.

Naked Woman Covered in Ketchup Is Schizophrenic andBipolar, Family Says
DO> This woman’s story will move you.

Psychologist: Driver in OSU crash is bipolar, not competent to stand trial
DO> This video will interest you.

Are fish oils for depression a waste of time? ‘No evidence’ omega-3 supplements can help …
DO> This review of the studies is interesting, don’t you agree?

Bipolar twins cited for vandalism
DO> Do you think their bipolar disorder is at fault?

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews761/

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

So many people have problems, especially people who have bipolar disorder and their supporters. Not that they’re a special population, or anything like that, but anyone with a mental
illness and their supporter have a difficult time with things.

They not only have to cope with the everyday problems that other people have to cope with, but they also have to cope with the added problems that bipolar disorder brings with it, both for the survivor and for the supporter. And the problems that it brings to their relationship, to a job situation, family, etc.

It’s not an easy thing, living with bipolar disorder. Or living with someone who has the disorder.
But it’s not the fact that you (or your loved one) have bipolar disorder, it’s what you do with it that counts.

Even at the worst of it. I know someone who has bipolar disorder and her sister had it as well.
These two women were like twins, even though they were several years apart, but that’s how close they were.

However, one of the women went off her bipolar medication, went into a bipolar episode,
and ended up taking her own life. The other sister, the one who had stayed on her medication, was devastated!

She went into a deep, deep depression, although not a full-blown bipolar depressive episode (she
thinks only because she stayed on her bipolar medication), because she was so sad over her
sister killing herself.

She had a real hard time coming to terms with her sister’s suicide. It took years for her to find peace with it. At first, she felt angry with her sister for doing what she did. Then she felt angry at the bipolar itself, for giving her sister the irrational thoughts that caused her to kill herself. That helped her find more peace with it.

She understood that her sister would not have done what she did if she had not gone off her
medication. So what did she do? She had a blog for people with bipolar disorder. She used that blog to tell her sister’s story, and to encourage people with bipolar NOT to go off their medication!

And every year after that, on her sister’s birthday and death day, she repeated the story, again begging people with the disorder not to go off their medication.

So what she thought was that “it’s what you do with it that counts,” and she was going to use her sister’s suicide for good.

She was going to keep telling her story so that other people wouldn’t do the same thing that her sister had done. She would keep telling it in the hopes that it would save someone else’s life.

She would use what had hurt her so deeply to try to do some good for someone else with bipolar disorder. She still does this today.

At her sister’s every birthday and death day, this woman gets on her blog and makes the same plea, for people with bipolar disorder to stay on their medications so that they won’t go into an episode and kill themselves like her sister did.

And she’s doing a lot of good! So it just goes to show you that good can come out of bad – it’s just what you do with it that counts.

What about you? What are you doing with your bipolar situation? Are you just dwelling on the negative? Or are you trying to make the best out of a negative situation? You need to try to use your negative for good. You need to be a good influence on other people with bipolar and their supporters.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

I want to tell you about this situation that my friends were in, because I think there is a lesson that we can all learn from it. They lived in this huge apartment complex. I mean HUGE! There were like 3,000 people that lived in this apartment complex!

And the thing was that it looked real nice on the outside and all, at least to the naked eye. And at least in dry weather. But here’s the rub – When it rained, the parking lots all flooded! That’s because they weren’t paved right to begin with. But you couldn’t see that to the naked eye when the weather was dry, you could only see it when it rained.

So here’s what happened: So many of the tenants complained that management finally decided to do something about it. Great, huh? NOT! Well… They got the pavers to come out, and they inconvenienced the tenants by making them go all the way around the paver’s blockades to get to their respective apartments while the work was being done (which they didn’t mind, because they thought well at least the parking lot was finally getting paved and no more flooding, right? WRONG!)

The next time it rained, the parking lots flooded even WORSE! That’s because all the pavers did was PATCH the parking lots where they were at their worse. They never fixed the REAL problem at its SOURCE.

So here’s the lesson I think we can learn: When you’re solving problems, you have to get to
them at their SOURCE. Or else they’re going to keep coming back at you again and again and again, just like that flooded apartment parking lot.

If you’re having problems with your loved one and their bipolar disorder, for example, you can’t just “patch” them and expect things to get better. Oh, they might get better for a little while…But then the problem is just going to reassert itself, possibly even worse.

Say, for example: You want to stop the fighting. So you just start getting real quiet. And the fighting may stop for awhile, but since you never discussed with your loved one the source of the fighting, nothing is really resolved, and eventually the fighting will start up again.

It’s just inevitable. Because you never really solved the problem. You never went to the SOURCE.

In this case, you need to talk to your loved one about what is causing you to fight in the first
place. You need to practice this strategy whatever the problem is that you’re facing. As long as you go to the source, you have the best chance of actually solving the problem and not just patching it up.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

 

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews760/

Lithium safe, effective for bipolar disorder in children
DO> Important study, don’t you think?

Carolyn Amy Hood, former Thorburn teacher, on trial for sexual assault
DO> Do you think bipolar was responsible for what she did?

Family fights for ‘normal’ future
DO> This girl’s story will move you.

Antipsychotics use among older adults increases with age
DO> This study makes an important point.

Fraudster’s friend posed as ex for loan application
DO> This article will shock you.

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews760/

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

You’ve heard the expression, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again,” right? Most people have. It means to not give up after the first time you try something and fail at it.

Sometimes we don’t get what we want out of life. Or sometimes we don’t get it the first time
we try for it. Sometimes it’s because we need to wait for it. Sometimes it’s because we need to try harder. Sometimes it’s because we need to try a different way to get it.

Sometimes it’s because we need to change our approach. Sometimes it’s because we need to change ourselves. Sometimes it’s because we need to change our outlook. Sometimes it’s because we weren’t realistic to start with. And sometimes it’s because it just wasn’t meant
to be.

There are times when you just have to compromise. No matter how hard you wanted something to begin with, you may have to compromise and settle for something less.

In science and in math, the saying goes that the shortest distance between two points is a straight
line. But sometimes you can’t just go from point A to point B directly.

Just like when I go hiking, sometimes the path meanders and takes you around curves and bends
that you didn’t expect in the beginning of your journey.

So what does this have to do with bipolar disorder, you’re probably asking yourself by now, wondering if I’ve meandered off the path myself (LOL)?

I’ll tell you…It has to do with your loved one trying and failing. That’s right. What do you do when you see that your loved one is trying as hard as they can to cope with their bipolar disorder, but they still keep having problems with it, like getting depressed?

Well, first of all, you have to remember that you can’t change your loved one or make them do anything they don’t want to do. No, you can’t change your loved one. But you can help them change how they cope with their bipolar disorder.

How? Well, first of all, being a good supporter means being a good example. So you first have to show them that you cope with your own problems well, which hopefully you do.

And, hopefully, that you handle stress well, as that can be one of your loved one’s triggers to a
bipolar episode. So if they can learn from you how to handle stress, it will help them to avoid it.
And of course, you need to be loving and supportive, that goes without saying.

The way to do that is to act as you would with any other friend. In other words, be your loved one’s best friend. Be kind, be a good listener, be there for them if/when they need you, and don’t be judgmental.

They need you. They may act like they don’t need you, but they do. Just being there for them is very important. Don’t dismiss this.

They do need to keep trying, though, no matter how hard it is, no matter how many times they fail. So you need to continually offer encouragement to your loved one.

Reminding them that bipolar disorder is NOT a death sentence and that although there is no
cure, there is treatment and hope for recovery (stability) might help.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews759/

Lithium safe, effective for children with bipolar disorder
DO> Important study, don’t you agree?

Genetic Testing: A Key Campus Resource for Mental Health
DO> This testing will be really important.

Video Shows Police Officers “Protecting & Serving” a Computer Science Student — to Death
DO> This video will shock you.

Your smartphone can detect bipolar disorder
DO> This is an amazing way to track bipolar symptoms, don’t you think?

Ohio bill would exempt severely mentally ill people from execution
DO> Do you think this bill would help?

Clifton psychiatrist who allegedly had sex with bipolar patient agrees to license suspension
DO> Do you think this was fair?

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews759/

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave