Hi,
How’s it going?
You know how some things change?
Sometimes they can be small changes, and sometimes they can be big changes. Small changes might be just buying some new clothes, or something like that.
That doesn’t take a lot of getting used to.
Now, something like dying your hair might take a little more getting used to (if you’re going from dark hair to blonde, say, for instance).
Or buying a new car when all you’ve ever driven were second-hand cars…
Or going from living in an apartment to buying a new house, now that might be considered a big change, and take a little more getting used to.
Or getting married, when you’ve always been a confirmed bachelor…
Or having a baby…
Or moving to the city from a small town…
Well, you get the picture.
Big changes can take a lot of getting used to.
It’s the same with bipolar disorder.
For you and your loved one, getting used to the diagnosis may be a little difficult at first, but then you make the adjustment, and it’s not too bad.
But getting used to living with the disorder might be a little more difficult.
Getting used to taking medication might not be so difficult (although for some people it is)…
But the side effects may be a little harder to deal with.
But after time, even those can be dealt with, especially with the doctor’s help.
Going to doctor’s appointments may be different at first, but you can get used to that change.
Just the fact that, once your loved one is diagnosed with bipolar disorder means that changes have to be made in your life is a big deal, and those changes are what I teach about in my courses/systems. I talk about what changes you have to make and how to deal with them.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
Another change your loved one has to make when they have bipolar disorder is to live a healthy lifestyle, but you can help with that by making sure they eat a good diet, exercise, and keep to a regular sleep schedule.
These are relatively easy changes to make.
Building a strong support system may seem difficult to do at first, but once it’s in place, and your loved one lets their supporters (especially you) help them, their support system just kind of runs itself, so it’s not such a difficult change in the long run.
After awhile, the changes that you and your loved one have to make because they have bipolar disorder are not that difficult to live with.
What started off as big changes are not as big in the long run –
You get used to them.
But I’ll tell you what is the most difficult change of all:
Getting used to a new normal.
That’s right – a new normal.
In the beginning, your loved one struggled with their bipolar disorder, and you struggled right along with them.
Getting everything in order, making all the changes that needed to be made, then getting used to all of them.
Things definitely weren’t normal for awhile, were they?
But now you have reached a new normal for the both of you.
And now you have to get used to it.
And that may not be as easy as it seemed at first.
Some things may seem quite new, actually.
At first, your loved one may have had more episodes, and you had to learn to deal with them.
You had to learn to deal with their bipolar behavior even between episodes.
But if they have been doing what they need to do in order to attain and maintain stability, they aren’t having those episodes any more (or at least not often).
And the two of you should be living a relatively normal life.
That’s what I mean by getting used to a new normal.
A new normal loved one (stable) and a new normal life (without an episode around every corner).
How does it feel to be living with a new normal?
Post responses below
iwas married to my husband last aug. he was great the first few monthes,thenhe started pushing me away. he has several episodes–saying crazy thinks to out of the blue–mostly when we go to bed. now the last one was las t night. he says i want to much love and hugging ! i found a doctor’s name for him at his request-he hasn’t made an app. i am at the end of mt rope will someone e-mail me/ mary
thank you david for responding my previous comment about the bi polar guy hurting me emotionally and mentally. i did use to talk to his grandma and she said she think her daughter (his mom) have bi polar too. i know its bad to still dwell on him but i just wanted more answers so everything can make sense to me. and i did see him taking medication. i just forgot the names of it. maybe im just looking for answers that it is his disorder that makes him like that so i can feel better. but i also know that what he did was plain wrong with or without his disorder. if only i couldve pulled away faster. but he did went on the site we met on to check on my profile. in my mind, if he really is having a baby with another woman and dont give a damn about me like he make it sound, y would he still check up on me? u know what i mean? like i would because i still care. but i messaged him tellin him to never check my profile again and delete all my personal pictures he have of me. i know im thinking a lot now because im in a sensitive stage. and regardless if he cares or not, it shouldnt matter. but i guess to know if he does or did think about me, will make me feel less of a loser. then again by thinking like this makes me a bigger loser LOL but i do have to say.. i am damaged and will take some time to heal. he did admit to me hes selfish most of the time. i have told him i dont mind him being selfish, i just need him to communicate with me. he said he will yet its just another false promise he made. david, i wish i can find ways to heal faster. i hope not all bi polar are like him… even though i might miss out on a good chance of love, i highly doubt i will ever go for someone with bi polar. this is too traumatizing for me =T
David,
This email hit hard. I have just begun this journey with my 15 year old daughter and it is rough. The meds she is taking are Abilify 10mg and Welbutrin 100mg and while some days are little better there are still a lot of problems so nothing is “normal” here in our home.
She has failed every subject in school this year. She constantly replies “i don’t care”. She won’t let anyone “in” to talk to her, she lashes out at everyone and walks around like she is entitled to whatever she feels . She has no respect for authority feels no consequences apply to her. It just goes on and on and it is so hard for all of us.
I try so hard to seperate from her hurtful remarks her disrespectful actions , trying to remind myself this child has a problem and we are “finding” our way. But it takes a lot out of us all.
I truely believe she needs to be removed from her comfort zone before any changes can come in her school performance etc. Along with the past 5 years of searching and going through many therapist and doctors we finally found a specialist that seemed to at least give us a diagnoises . Which was devastating to hear that your child is bi-polar. During those years when i knew something was wrong behaviors were enabled because i felt like she was struggling and could not “help it”. Which made things worse although i did not know that at the time i was just being a mom and trying to defend , protect, solve problems for her. So along with the disorder she has “learned” behaviors that now are causing big problems and i have tried everything i know to do as a former teacher and with my background in psychology.
Somedays i want to just give up it is so hard to see her like this struggling , making bad choices that will effect her future in terrible ways.
I am going through your series for teens i ordered. Which i think is enlightening.
I guess i just wanted to “get this out” to someone who has gone through so much it seems with their own family member. I am looking for hope i guess, strength, to get through what we have going on here now.
I know in another email you said people had made remarks you were no help and you wanted to quit but don’t because there is no pleasing everyone but i am sure you have helped people in ways you may never even realize so continue to do what you are doing . People like me and my family need the help, appreciate it and find comfort in knowing they are not alone in their struggle to help their family memeber or even themselves.
God bless you and thank you.
Sincerely ,
Mary Beth Rhodes
The new normal… it feels better than before!
My boyfriend began taking an anti-depressent in Jan. and then his Dr. added a mood stablizer this month. While life is not ‘perfect’ – he is seeming much more stable than before he was one meds. We are able to have a more ‘normal’ relationship without him having a melt-down every couple of weeks. The Bipolar Connection/supporter articles have been a big help for me to understand what he goes thru. Some days it is still hard (especially when he’s having a ‘mood’) so it has helped to be reminded to take care of myself first. I also use Alanon/ACA as another support for myself to be able to remember to take care of me.
I like the new normal – and remembering to practice One Day at a Time, This to Shall Pass, and Let it Be!!
Thanks Dave for what you do to help out!
Thank you all very much for steering a discussion in this direction. I am convinced, by my own experience with bipolar disorder, that the stability you describe is not only possible, but that it’s a common outcome.
I must say again (and as often as I believe it will encourage you) that the kinds of intense, symptom-influenced behavior often described here are not typical of the entire population of people who have the disorder. It follows that the entire population of friends, family members, and others are not suffering as many supporters here are. The statistics are not all dark and dismal.
Medical research indicates that 80% of people with bipolar disorder are stablized with regularly used,and individually adjusted regimines of Lithium alone. Within the past ten years, a variety of anticonvulsant medicines have in combination with Lithium, proven to stablize symptoms of many of those who constituted remaining 20% of patients.
Imagine, if you or your loved one were one of the 20% who did not, as most people do, respond well to Lithium alone. It would be agonizing! But you waited years, you endured, you survived, and you all did your best. Then, after years of treatments that barely helped you hold things together, your doctor prescribed a new medicine. When you took that medicine, it was as if the lights went on in a dark room.
Maybe before that, you didn’t even know the definition of “stable,” because you were always dealing with really intense symptoms. But now, you understand, because suddenly you have some peace, a great deal of your suffering is relieved, you sleep well, your emotions make sense to you, you look forward to things you enjoy…yes, your life has changed, dramatically. You have some symptoms, but you are well enough now to actively cope with them with much more independence and insight.
Please note: Just because I mentioned Lithium, and the anticonvulsant class of medications, does NOT mean, in ANY way, that I am expressing any personal opinion about any particular med as opposed to another one. Even more importantly, I am not, nor will I EVER so much as hint that any particular medication is “good,” or “bad,” ESPECIALLY not for anyone else.
I am only using a medication scenerio because it illustrates that stability can be a long time coming, that you or your loved one can be one of a minority of people who must persevere, and wait for whichever treatment (medical or otherwise) is helpful to them. And it’s very hard not to compare yourself to others who appear to respond quickly and favorably, while you, too follow medical advice without getting much relief.
The statistics I mentioned (the 80%), are of course, accurate. I’m not making things up. I’m only saying, please take it ONLY for the example it is, not as any personal opinion I want to impose.
I wish you all the peace you deserve…
My son is 23 years old and “stable”. He has two older sisters and I noticed a difference in his behavior from the moment he was born (and I HAD to treat him differently). I read many MANY discipline books starting when he was about three years old and started taking him to therapists/counselors/psychologists when he was in 5th grade. After his diagnosis of bipolar 6 years ago I sat in book stores and read every book on the shelf. The daily emails I receive from David are as much help as all the books put together (although the books were very helpful). My challenge now is to back off and let him handle on life “on his own”. He isolated himself in junior high and high school (he left public school when he was 16 and graduated with a GED/high school diploma in 6 weeks…)and is just now working and going to school and learning social skills that many of his piers learned in those teenage years. In the beginning I felt like it was two steps forward, three steps back. You just have to focus on the forward steps and learn from that success. The first thing I did was search out a passion and foster it so he had a focus. He surfed, he rode motorcycles, he learned guitar, he took art classes. I took a NAMI family to family class and that was a very good class/support system for me. My son benefits from having a psychiatrist PLUS a wonderful internal medicine doctor as his general practioner, a social worker, a therapist and an understanding Disabilities counselor at the junior college that coordinated tutors and other assistance (he received his AA last year). Today’s email reinforced to me that now I have to back off and be an example by getting more of my life on track. His illness can consume my dialy thoughts and that does him no good at this point. It does get better guys. Take care of yourself and don’t give up. It gets better!
Dave,
I have no words but thank you,
April
Wow Pam,
You really touched me with your post. That is how it was for me. I struggled for many, many, like 37 years not knowing what was going on with me. Life was hell, bouncing back and forth between suicidal and reckless behavior. I didn’t know what was wrong. I thought it was something wrong with me as a person to be so different. I grew tired of it and no longer wanted to live it got so bad. Then came the diagnosis and the treatement, which wasn’t easy, it took about 5 years of mis-treatment, pardon the pun, but the meds I was taking were not working, though I had some improvement. I just stuck with it. Which is what we have to do dealing with bipolar. We MUST percevere. We must be persistant and keep trying, keep going back to the dr and telling them how things are working or are not working. Perhapse trying a different dr if the one your seeing can’t help.
Now, after several drs, and I don’t even know how many different types of medication I tried, but I am STABLE!!! and have been for 5 years! It is life beyond my wildest imagination. Not that I don’t have problems or don’t get depressed at all, or manic at all. I still do. My episodes are just very minor compared to what I used to feel. My emotions don’t confuse me, life makes sense, I understand why people want to live! I want to LIVE!!! That is a miracle! It was a long time coming. But it happened, I didn’t give up! I kept going back to the Dr. and this is before I met Dave and his info. I just stumbled across a good Dr finally and he worked with me to get my meds straight. Life is good now. I can deal with it. It is not overwhelming. I am still getting used to this new way of life, this new life. But it was worth hanging in there for. Thank you for your post, it is beautiful and is exactly what happened to me. It is like the lights came on in a dark world. I can see the sun light, smell the flowers, hear the birds, I feel the beauty that life was meant to be. I stuggle at times, but nothing like before. I stick to my medication regimine and sleep like a ritual. I eat right, exercise and see my psychologist every week whether I need to or not! This life is beyond anything I ever knew could exist before proper meds and the systems in place that Dave talks about. Thank you for posting…
Bob
I guess I’ve been living a “new normal” for most of my life!! I went on Social Security Disability in 1991, when I was 43 yr old, after my first husband died. Although it was a BIG blow to my emotional system, I didn’t have an episode, thanks to the support system put in place at the Community Mental Health Clinic.
I have no live-in supporter; I am twice-widowed, with no children, and 61 yrs old. I had to get used to NOT having a “constant” in my life; learning how NOT to have a job to get ready for (although I was a landlady for 30 years); and making a REAL life for myself.
I’m NOT saying it was EASY; I’ve been a student in the School of Hard Knocks, and have learned my way around the mental health world. When I saw my NP yesterday, I weighed 2 pounds less than a week before. She remains concerned about this – as I wrote in my post yesterday. As a matter of fact – today, I spent the whole DAY in bed – guess the Big D got a hold of me for awhile. I go mostly to the manic phase of bipolar, so this “sleeping in” is unusual for me. Guess, however, my body needed it, so I languished, and just now went on the computer.
I will get “back on track” tomorrow when I see my therapist. Having some kind of “order” and “routine” in my life, helps. Otherwise, I’m afraid I’ll “slip” into bad habits and allow the depression to take ahold.
I’m OK, you’re OK. It’s just getting used to the “new normal” that IS very hard. My baseline now is “mixed episode,” so I accept that. Learning how to LIVE with it is difficult. I didn’t have an “attack” today (primarily because I was asleep!), so didn’t use the extra Klonopin. But I know, sooner or later, I WILL need it.
The woman who came by at 11 this morning to look at my room, arrived with a surgical mask on, and said, “I didn’t know you SMOKED!” I told her that I DID tell her I smoked – and it ended there. I guess THAT’S what led to my “slumber party!”
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
Dear Dave, why your blogs mirror the stage my relationship with my daughter is, must be the Chaos theory at work!
Anyway you are so right my daughter and I are at the tentative new normal and we have been in this situation for 4 weeks now – and my life has changed dramatically as a result of Rachels hospitalization, rehabilitation and return home to her children: I didn’t know I would be guardian to 2 wee boys nor did I ever think I would live in the same house as my daughter in support – we live in peaceful coexistance every day. She is so brave and so courageous.Each day is illuminated by the little steps she takes ,and we examine together all those things that bother us so they don’t become big things that will foul up our little family.
My mindset has shifted dramatically and for good on mental illness,I am intouch with so much knowledge and experience on BP now, there is no turning back no giving up no walking away.
In part David I must thank you for the emails you send out- such gems all the time
with gratitude
Shona
Hello,
My son is almost 20 years old. He was diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder in December 2006. It was the scariest time of our family life. My son’s life was totally upside down. He was failing school, was arrested for mistaken idenity,he was overly sexually active,his mood was extremely irritable and angry. He was making very risky decisions.
He was hospitalized twice within a 6 week perod. After several medication changes we have finally reached a “sweet spot.” My son has been stable for about 8 months. He has completed high school and graduated with a high school diploma. With the help of VESID he is employed and working. He is thinking about going to college. He has a full life. He has a normal relationship with his girlfriend and he has many positive friends. He has a good relationship with his psychiatrist and his therapist.
We have learned to undrestand the new normal and all family members are adjusting to the new changes even my son. I thought that I would never be able to sleep again at night well in the new normal everyone is sleeping at night even my son.
To any parent who is dealing with a recent Bipolar Diagnosis of your child and your life is currently upside down find support for yourself. Educate yourself about the diagnosis and find a good psychiatrist who you and your child can talk to. If your child needs to be hospitalized don’t fight the hospitalization however make sure that you are involved in every aspect of the decision where you child will be hospitalized. Call and visit the hospital daily and never give your child the impression that he has been abandoned. Keep a log of everything that happens with your child’s Bipolar experience so that you can follow your child’s progress. Know the names of your child’s medication and educate yourself about how the medication is suppose to help your child. Tell the psychiatrist when you notice side affects that are disturbing. Listen to what your child says about his biploar experience especially how the medication makes him feel. Help your child to trust you. Your relationship with your child during his illness is the the best way of asisting with the treatment. If your child does not trust you he will not take his medication or be cooperative with the psychiatric appointments. Learn therapeutic parenting techniques and don’t take your child’s behavior personally. Learn to make your home a safe calm therapeutic setting for your child.
Peace can come to a home where mental illness is present a new normal can emerge where all family members can get back to the joys of living even the Bipolar child.
Good luck.
I LOVE THE NEW NORMAL!!!!! I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder in February and got a second opinion because I didn’t believe it in May and my psychiatrist confirmed the diagnosis of Type II Bipolar. My struggle with untreated bipolar was rather short lived, thank goodness. It only lasted one month of untreated but then another 4 months of trying to figure out the right medicines, and those several months were months from hell. I am sure most people with bipolar can relate to that. But I look back on my life, several years and it seems like there were warning signs that I might be bipolar. Now that I am medicated and pretty much on the right meds. I feel wonderful. I feel like I can live again without worrying when my mood is going to change and how bad life is going to be for that day or the next couple of days. I love the new normal and I wouldn’t change it for anything!
To GigZ:
I was the person who responded to your post about the horrible situation you have gone through with your boyfriend, who told you, among many things, that he is diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
I am glad you read my response and gave it some thought. I gathered, by reading your most recent message, that you are still spending a lot of time thinking about the whole situation, and still kind of trying to figure this guy out–does he care about you, should you completely steer clear, what your interest is in him at this point, etc.
I would be lying to you, GiG, if I told you it did not hurt my feelings just a little to hear you say you probably will not date another person who has this diagnosis. I have bipolar disorder, so of course I am sad to hear that you feel so strongly as to eliminate all of us from your circle of friends.
I worry that often any honest statement of a difficult or what some folks consider a “negative” feeling about bipolar disorder, is easy to write off as “self-pity,” or as an automatic indicator that a person with bipolar disorderis being self-centered.
However, I have an obligation to everyone, including myself, to be honest.
I also have cerebral palsy. I use a wheelchair. I went to college with a young man whose first remark after “hello” was, “I don’t see how you’re gonna be able to keep up with this work like the rest of us…I mean, how will you be able to get through school…you’ve got this…. how can you read and all that?”
He was making his best judgment based upon a very limited amount of information and experience about cerebral palsy. He might well have met a different person who has the condition.
And I’m guessing, from his automatic reaction to me, that the other person or persons with C/P in fact have some developmental struggles in addition to an obvious physical disability, and that most likely they would succeed in some environment other than that of a college campus.
So it surprised him, and confused him, that I had shown up at college, and challenged his notion that every person with C/P is exactly like the few other people with C/P that he knows of. Or, I suppose he could have read about the condition. I don’t know where he got his information, but the point is that it was incomplete.
So, yeah…I respect the fact that we all, every person in the world do what we can in terms of sizing each other up, and we can only judge based upon our personal pool of knowledge. And I certainly can see that and understand it when I read your comments.
I’m just kind of weighing in, saying, “I’m a grown woman. I don’t expect everyone in the entire world to understand how I feel, or how every word affects me. In fact, the older I get, the wiser I get. I know I’m not entitled to being “understood.” But just as sometimes supporters, loved ones, and others here state their feelings, which are not always positive, but always honest, and rarely devalued, I’m only saying what’s true for me.
But GIG, (and thank you for hearing me out as I tried to be honest but moreso respectful and understanding of your perspective).
GIG, there is a much more important thing at stake here than who you choose to date or socialize with in the future. If you ONLY eliminate the option of dating or being friends with people who have bipolar disorder, you’re still really putting yourself at risk.
The MOST important thing is that you keep your eyes and ears open for the kind of BEHAVIOR this guy has. He lies, he’s out of hand sexually, he neglects you emotionally, or he abuses you emotionally/physically/sexually. He toys with you. Maybe he’s interested, maybe he’s not. Could be he loves you, but then, maybe not. Meanwhile, you wait and worry and try to figure him out.
These BEHAVIORS are everywhere. And I’m not saying every man or woman manipulates and hurts poeple, but I’m saying, if you think you can protect yourself from going through this again by eliminating people with bipolar disorder from your life, I really worry for you.
It’s not only a matter of eliminating the chance of a positive relationship with someone who has bipolar disorder, but is not abusive to you. It sounds like you’ve made up your mind about that, and that is fine.
However, watch for behaviors. There’s no way to tell by looking at anyone whether or not they’re going to play you like this guy did. If you see these BEHAVIORS again, no matter who is doing it, I really hope you’ll take care of yourself.
Be alert to abusive, manipulative behaviors. Don’t believe it won’t happen again just because you are with a person who does not have a mental health diagnosis. IF this kind of thing ever happens to you again (and I pray it doesn’t) GIG I believe you’ll have learned from this guy who was so awful to you. I’d encourage you to step away from any situation in which ANYONE treats you like that. And I hope you won’t wait.
Best to you GIG
PS: GIG
I was just thinking, maybe you’ll take this opportunity to collect a little bit more information about people who have bipolar disorder.
You met this guy, who has been awful to you. So that helped you to form a certain opinion about people with bipolar disorder.
Then, you met me. We’re not best friends, but I hope you can see I care about you, I read what you write, and as far as I know I’m not the kind of person you want to avoid!
So this experience with a person who has bipolar disorder has not been traumatic! I haven’t hurt you!
I don’t know where that leaves you, but it sounds like it’s different from what you experienced before.
I’m a pretty good friend…just ask my friends!!!
Hope this turns out to be something positive for you GIG.
J
Please do not send any more emails. Thank you
Karen,
I’m confused.
Have I broken a rule? If so, I would think the proprietors of the site would immediately call it to my attention. I have not been informed of any violation.
Karen if you are saying you don’t want me to respond specifically to your e-mails?
Because, absolutely, I would not ever disrespect you by even acknowledging anything, if it is for whatever reason offensive.
But I am not sure it is up to you to forbid me from sending e-mails at all to this site.
Again, if I’ve missed something, I don’t know what it is. It appeared to me that GIG was appreciative of what I said to her when she thought it was Dave who took an interest in her situation.
Again, Karen I have done nothing but try to offer support. If you don’t want to hear from me, I will completely respect that.
But I won’t leave the site because one person doesn’t want me to talk to them. I encourage you to be selective in your reading, as I am.
If it no longer has your name on the message, or pertains to you, I wonder if you’d do something you find more helpful, such as reading posts from people that you feel are beneficial.
Best to you
J