Hi,
Remember when you were little and you would say that something wasn’t fair? Sometimes your parents would even say that life wasn’t always fair, wouldn’t they? But usually they would try to explain things for you, or try to work out a reasonable solution to your problem to make things fair.
The problem is with bipolar disorder that, being a supporter, you might sometimes feel that things aren’t fair to you, either. You might sometimes think that, no matter how hard you try, you’re still coming out on the short end of things, which isn’t fair to you.
You might think you’re the best supporter in the world, yet your loved one still does things that don’t seem right to you, and you can’t figure out why! Unfortunately, that’s just part of their
having bipolar disorder.
Sometimes, in an episode, your loved one will do things that you don’t understand. But you’re right – These are things that just aren’t fair to you. These are reasons for you to scream “Life just isn’t fair!” In this case, it isn’t. But you still have to face it if you’re going to stay with your loved one who has bipolar disorder.
It is true that they will sometimes do things that you don’t understand, like fight with you for seemingly no reason at all. They will do other things that won’t seem fair, too. They can sometimes get so angry that they will rage, or in a manic episode, they can lie to you, among other things. That is also part of their disorder.
They’re not doing this on purpose, or because they just one day decided to hurt you. It stems from their bipolar disorder. And you’re right – This isn’t fair to you, either.
Even if you try to defend yourself, what are you defending yourself against? These things they’re raging against, are they even real? No! You’re defending yourself against untruths, or lies. So it doesn’t matter how vehemently you defend yourself, it isn’t going to get you anywhere. You just have to wait out the storm, so to speak. Fair or not, it is going to happen.
Why? Because, unfortunately, your loved one has bipolar disorder. And it is part of their disorder.
You can do something about it, however. At some point, when they are not raging at you, and they are calm and collected, sit them down and tell them how you feel. Tell them in a way that is non-threatening to them, however. Don’t blame them, or they will get defensive and you will end up in a fight, which is what you do not want.
Just say something like, “When you rage at me, I don’t understand, and I feel hurt.” Then you have stated your feelings in direct relation to something they have done, and they need to take responsibility at that point. At least they should. If they don’t, try to tell them in a different
way.
I know that it may not seem fair that you have to be the one doing all the effort at communicating, but it’s just the way it is when you are the supporter to a loved one who has bipolar disorder.
Hopefully, by communicating in this way, your loved one will take responsibility for their actions and change their ways and not hurt you any more.
If worse comes to worse, and you cannot talk to your loved one, at least find someone else who you can talk to about your feelings, or write them in a diary or journal so you don’t stuff them and have them build up inside you.
Things may not always be fair when you’re involved with someone who has bipolar disorder, but there are some things you can do to make them more fair.
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
I find it very effective to update or communicate important information via text messaging. It reinforces what we discuss and confirms that my son will register the information.
It is sometimes frustrating and annoying to me that I have to take the extra step to make sure he ‘hears’ me but it is worth it due to the decrease in stress and drama.
I HAD A FORMER BEAU ONCE REMIND ME – “FAVOR IS NOT FAIR” – DONT’ EXPECT TO BE ALWAYS TREATED FAIRLY BECAUSE OF AN OUTSTANDING TALENT, SKILL OR TRAIT.. PERHAPS IT’S A SIBLING WHO IS THE FAMOUS MUSICIAN AS IN MICHAEL JACKSON TO THE JACKSONS OR PERHAPS HE/SHE COULD EVEN BE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES — IN ALL THAT – IT BALANCES OUT WHEN YOU THINK OF WHO YOU TRULY ARE AND WHOSE YOU TRULY ARE – I TRY TO SEE THE COMMONALITY IN LIFE RATHER THAN THE UNFAIRNESS….BESIDES, DOESN’T LIFE HAVE A STRANGE WAY OF BALANCING OUT FAIRNESS
THE WAY A MAN LOVES A WOMAN – IS HOW I ALWAYS SEE IT 1ST
THE WAY OF AN EAGLE IN SKY
THE WAY OF A SNAKE ON A ROCK
AND THE WAY THE SHIP AT THE SEA
LIFE IS EACH PERSON’S INTERPRETATION – NO TWO PEOPLE WILL EVER BE ALIKE – WE ALL HAVE SIMILAR HOWEVER UNIQUELY SET-APART PROBLEMS —- IT’S ALL IN HOW YOU CHOOSE TO SEE LIFE AS LIFE PRESENTS ITSELF…..
WHILE I WOULD GLORY IN A SIBLING’S SITUATION, PERHAPS DOWN THE LINE IT IS BEAU THAT COULD BE “JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED” — FAIR!!!!!!
Hi Dave,
You touched something in me with this article. I have bipolar and sometimes I don’t think it is fair that I have it and have to struggle with it each day just as my support team has the same feelings. What I guess I want to say is that us with bipolar can take your advice as well. Thanks again for such a good article.
hi dave,
today your article talked about when your loved one acts out towards you because of the bipolar and how it can seem unfair. i was hoping to get some advice as to what to do when your loved one acts like that and you have children. do the children understand that daddy isn’t stable? how do you teach your children not to act like how daddy is acting? if you could please write and send me an article about this it would be very appreciated.
Even if you try to defend yourself, what are you defending yourself against? These things they’re raging against, are they even real? No! You’re defending yourself against untruths, or lies. So it doesn’t matter how vehemently you defend yourself, it isn’t going to get you anywhere.
What if the psychotic features state doesn’t ever pass?
There is a time, that it is prudent to stop supporting and start protecting yourself from any more damage.
Why “That’s Why” do you write in caps? Caps is symbolic for yelling.
I am sad to say this, but it is true. I cannot tolerate the abuse from bipolar people who blame their abusive behavior on their disease. Not all bipolar individuals are abusive or blame their abusive behavior on their disease. There are many people with bipolar disorder who live responsibly. They take care of themselves and they don’t hurt others. Anyone who puts up with abusive behavior just because the abuser has bipolar disorder is either an enabler, a doormat, or an idiot.
I understand Helen’s feelings and she seems angry. It isn’t about “putting up with the abusive behaviour”, it is learning how to handle it and diffuse manic situations. They always pass, then the depression and contrition phases kick in. It is a cycle and as everything is this world is cyclical, we just have to figure out what works for us as supporters of loved ones with bipolar disorder. If it is causing too much grief and you feel like you are losing it, let someone else handle it. It does take a village.
That would categorically make me an enabler, a doormat or an idiot. I put up with the abuse under the guise of “it’s the illness, he can’t help it”. Well, no more !! It was way more than bipolar. It was and is severe pervasive personality disorders, perhaps with a touch of bipolar thrown in. Helen, I agree fully with you. I have met many people with bipolar who do not abuse, have empathy, have remorse for their behavior when manic and are truly experiencing mood swings that are difficult to control. Those people deserve our support. If you read up on psychopathology, that which we have been dealing with, and it is covered up with “well he is bipolar” it makes and causes the stigma people that have bipolar and families that support bipolar relatives have to put up with. Straight up bipolar would be a blessing at this point. It is the morbid personality disorders and co-occuring morbidities and lack of remorse and lack of empathy and pathological lying (which can also occur in manic episodes) that is impossible to support.
Dear Dave , the one thing I have had to learn with my daughter with Bipolar – is to be honest – to myself. and say to myself-when I am stressed I am feeling overwhelmed Ï am feeling angry and desperate
and if my daughter asks me – what is going on you look angry?
I tell her straight up “I am feeling overwhelmed.” instead of joining the yelling match with her.
A simple honesty with myself about my own state of mind during difficult times has helped immensely When I acknowledge my own state of mind openly I can then remove myself physically from her presence and stop myself engaging in any argument until I have recouped my sense of balance and reason.
Thank you Dave for your timely blogs it never fails to amaze me how closely your daily blogs mirror whats going on in my life.
Regards
Shona
I would like to know about people just like stairing at you in a evil look. My sons girlfriend who is bipolar sometimes just stairs like she going to do something to you. You could even smile back at her and it doesnt change her look. Should I be worried?
The staring is more of a predator prey type of thing in our experience. The psychologists have told us it is the personality disorder of sociopathy that brings out that stare – it is to manipulate people with.
Thank you for the information about other mental conditions that are the real cause of bad behavior. I know that having bipolar is not fair and that the sufferer feels the unfairness just as much as any friends or relatives might. But here again and as always I will repeat that excusing bad behavior because a person has bipolar disorder is not acceptable. There are medications and other coping strategies available for the sufferer of bipolar disorder, and to take responsibility for oneself is the definition of being an adult. As for the many other afflictions that cause evil behavior, there are many sick individuals in this world. Unfortunately, some are born that way. Others learn it. It is not fair that innocent people suffer because of the bad behavior of sick people. If these people are so sick that they cannot control themselves and take responsibility for their actions, then they need to be institutionalized not as a punishment, but for the safety of others.
How do I stop the hurt that my daughter has inflicted upon us, she has Bipolar but does not accept she has stopped taking her medications and thinks there is nothing wrong with her. She did not visit us for Christmas and never came for her Father’s birthday either. We are so hurt by this behavour. How can I get myself to switch off to these hurtful things and talk to her as if nothing has happened. I cannot get past the anger.
An impressive share! I have just forwarded this onto a colleague who was doing a little research on this. And he in fact bought me dinner due to the fact that I stumbled upon it for him… lol. So allow me to reword this…. Thanks for the meal!! But yeah, thanks for spending some time to discuss this subject here on your site.