I wanted to write you a quick email today about something
I got via email. Someone wrote me, “Dave, you do so
much, don’t you get burned out helping your mom so much?”
Okay, let me address that right here. Here’s the deal.
I am tired for sure. But it’s more because I am running
4 businesses, body build non competitively, have a social
life AND support my mom.
Let me clear up one thing. BEFORE two weeks ago, my
mom was operating on her own. I did not enable her
or fix any of her problems. She was self and high
functioning. So she wasn’t a burden.
She was following the system outlined in my course/system
for those with bipolar disorder at http://www.survivebipolar.net
People with bipolar disorder can do well, and really well
if they follow a system. I have 8 people with mood disorders
who work for me. They all do well.
With that said, this last mini episode which could have
turned into a major long episode was draining.
But because I have a lot going on.
BUT, I do see many supporters get what I call, caregiver
fatigue. This occurs when you are totally burned out
when you are supporting someone with an illness like
bipolar disorder. There are unfortunately thousands of
people on my list like this (I have almost 90,000 people
on my list).
In my supporter courses, I have a cd that talks about
burnout and all the ways to avoid it.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
How do you stop this kind of fatigue or burnout? There
are several ways.
I think the number one thing people can do is do the
right things. Burnout comes when you are doing the wrong
things and/or not getting any results. For example,
in 2005 when I was figuring out how to support my mom,
I would argue with her. I would try to convince her
about things that she needed to know. She would say
my dad threw a fork at her. I would try to convince
her it didn’t happen because I was watching.
I did this for days and days at a night. One day I spent 9
straight hours arguing with her and it never changed her
mind.
Then one day it dawned on me I should stop doing this.
If she would say something “crazy” to me, I would ignore
it. This reduced the burnout.
I also notice burnout is a result of lacking information
on what to do strategically. Like:
-How do you find a good doctor/therapist?
-How do you get a loved one on medication?
-How to you know when a person is going into an episode?
-What is an episode?
-How do you prevent new episodes?
-How do you nicely make doctors give great care?
-How do you find a therapist?
-What do you do when it looks like your loved one is getting sick
again?
-What do you do if the doctor won’t talk to you?
and things like this
These are all strategy questions. The wrong strategy produces
burnout. I will give you a recent example with myself and my
dad. Okay first keep in mind, my dad has read probably 1%
of the material I have. Maybe that would be overestimating. I
am dead serious. He has NO information. Probably because I
do all the work for him. On a side note, I have given him
a July 1, 2007 deadline to read it ALL and go through
ALL cds. He is going to now.
Anyway, my mom was going into an episode. I wanted to test
him. I asked what do you think we should do. He said,
“Let’s take her to the hospital.” I told him this
would be a HUGE strategic mistake.
The reason is because my mom wasn’t bad enough to get admitted
anyway. Plus she hates the hospital. I know this. We would
have spent probably days figuring out which of the 21
techniques would get her to agree to the hospital. We would
have gotten there and they would have let her out fairly
fast in my opinion. Lots of time would have been wasted.
I choose the contact her doctor route even though my
mom took away my ability to speak to her doctor. I countered
with a loop hole in the legal system and my mom was able
to get treatment fast. The entire thing took one day and
not more than 30 minutes of my time. My dad’s method
would have taken days, gotten no results and created
HUGE burnout for us.
So, much of being a good supporter is about using the right
strategy. NOW, I am NOT saying I know everything. I don’t.
My mom’s bipolar actually beat me 7 days in a row last week.
It figured out a way to undo all the medical releases
that were signed so I could talk to people. BUT, I countered
with a work around and loop hole in the system. It’s like a
game of chess.
So the bottom line is, you have to think about caregiver
burnout and fatigue, because if you get to tired or
you fall apart, you won’t do your loved one any good.
Hey I have to run. See you tomorrow.
Your Friend,
Dave
P.S. Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
P.P.S Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information
you can’t learn anywhere else.