Hi, how are you doing today? I hope you’re doing well.
You know, one of the worst things I remember about those bad years when my mom had undiagnosed bipolar disorder was all the fighting. I hated that. It kind of scared me, because I didn’t understand why she was fighting so much. Sometimes I didn’t even know what I did that made her so mad. She would just start yelling and screaming at me, and it was awful.
It was especially horrible when she said things that hurt me (but later she didn’t remember them).
So you know that now I am totally against fighting. Except I think that there are some exceptions. Sometimes you have to fight.
Like they say to fight for what you believe in. Or to fight for your rights. Or to fight the big iant corporation that took your money. Or to fight for what is right. Things like that.
But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about fighting with your loved one.
It’s hard when you are drawn into a fight with your loved one, because it will only make things worse. However, there are things you can do to help, like the idea of listening patiently without fighting back, and not taking it personally.
But I’m sure, like me, that in spite of hating to fight, you have ended up in a couple fights with your loved one anyway. Hopefully, you have a good relationship normally, with good communication.
Hopefully, you have learned how to disagree without hurting each other (like the concept of “agree to disagree”) without things getting out of control. But when your loved one is in an agitated mood, it may not be that simple. They may be like my mother was. They may even try to pick a fight with you.
In a manic mood, sometimes a person with bipolar disorder can get very irritable and get agitated
easily. They can get real angry (whether it’s over a big thing or a small thing). And then they take it out on you because either they blame you, or because you are there to listen.
But one thing you do need to fight for sometimes is your loved one’s stability. That is one thing worth fighting for. Remember to keep in mind that there is a separation between your loved one and their disorder. So you’re not really fighting your loved one, you’re fighting their bipolar disorder. Still, things can be difficult. Nobody likes to be yelled at.
One of the most effective ways to deal with your loved one’s anger is by making your voice softer. I know, it seems like too simple an idea. But it forces them to listen to what you’re saying.
You may have to even fight with them over whether to go to the hospital or not. And that is one fight that you do need to win! So say whatever you have to say to get them to hear reason and agree to go get help voluntarily.
Hopefully, you have good communication, so that there are few fights. Just remember that, when it comes to their bipolar disorder, you can never give up the fight for their stability, even if it means fighting them for their own good.
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
There sre times when G and I have had an argument and at the beginning it scared me that he might not want to be with me because of it. Like the time he yelled at me to shut up. I asked him in a firm but quiet voice to not speak to me like that but this did not stop him. Almost immediately I started to cry, you know the type of crying where the tears roll down one’s face, I put on my sun glasses so he would not see it, but he did anyway. His comment was don’t start crying and then it was you are torturing me. I realized that when he hurt me he actually hurt himself. It pains him to see me hurting. So sometimes I do argue my point with him, and others I just listen.
Hi Dave,
Yes i can relate to this onw hundred percent. My friend annd I are not together at present although shes talking about visit in Jan. I get fearfull soemtimes of calling her in case she is in angry mood but im not mind reader so have to guess the situation. Help, is there anway round this apart from getting off my butt and visiting her which at the moment does not exactly go down too well. I havent a great deal of money to play with as am on state pension. Would appreciate your kind advice. Ugently , Blessings at xmas, John
My husband has bi-polar disorder. There is the potential to fight every day, usually in the morning. He is very confrontational. He always feels bad in the morning and it takes him a long time to pull himself up to eat and dress. Our three children deal with tension and anxiety every day until we leave for work. The best way to handle all this negativity is to be sweet and calm. Thoughtful planning for as much routine and quiet gentleness is almost always going to end with success. And by success, I mean avoiding disruption and hurt feelings all around. @f ther is one thing a supporter can give a loved one with bi-polar disorder, it is one more successful start of day and therefore, one less regret. Regret has a way of giving one something to be depressed about. So it is important to eliminate unhealthy routines (like fighting) and replace them with positive habits like complimenting and encouraging and being humble and respectful in spite of feeling like retaliating. In the long run, the ability to behave and not fight will improve your own character and provide a good example for other family members to follow.
As a mother, this is especially important to figure out and put into practice for their future relationships.
Thanks for the news. I hope you have a great Christmas. Also hope you mom has a good one also. Peace and prayers.
I talk, I argue with my daughter but she still will not go voluntarily to see a doctor.She has been in a compulsive order. She came into contact with a child that had head lice, 3 weeks ago, then she said she had them wasing her hair 3 to 4 x a day with head lice shampoo, pulling her hair out, sores all over her face, arms, hair falling out. She did finally go when she said the dog had it too. The health department asked her if she had mental illness and she walked out, she then went to her vet and said the dog had them and he asked her if she needed help getting to her mental health doctor…now she says it’s not lice because the bugs are comming out at night by the thousands and they now have wings and burrow into her scalp and she has to pull them out and comb with the lice comb. she has set off pesticide cans inside the house, 8 at a time for 1500 sq ft home once to twice a week. We have tried to get her to go to the mental health doctor but she refuses, staying in her home and will only let you come to the door. She sleeps all day and up all night. It’s been 3 weeks and just when you think she will take all the bugs she has put into a bag so a doctor can look at them she will tell you she is better and now she has thrown the dead bugs away. She was diagnoised with manic depression over 7 yrs. ago, but now she is more parinoide. She is seeing a new man in her life that is schicophrinic and he see’s and hears things and she tells him he has the bugs too but he will not take care and do the treatment she is doing but tells her that she is crazy…she will only let him (Mike) inside the home to check on her.. He makes things worse by telling her every day that she’s crazy and needs help, yet he will turn around and say weird stuff about her hiding men in her closet and she lets them come out at night and stay with her after he leaves. it’s a real mess but how do you get a 40 yr. old person that has a extremely strong will to go. We can not physically handel her but she is getting worse…Please give me some help…I’m waiting on my disk from you but I need help yestersay.
Thanks.
Linda Harris
mmmmmm ye everyone has there moments….
Merry Christmas everybody….
Linda x
I am a mother of an 8 year old boy who has been diagnosed with adhd bipolar he goes threw some major episodes we love him so much it hurts me to see him go threw what he goes threw I have been taking him to a counselor since hes been diagnosed this is what ive been told how to handle him he said to video tape his behavior when he starts to fight with me because he blacks out and doesnt remember what he does than i let him watch his behavior as it is happening I do like u said talk to him in a whisper voice and then continue to talk with him as he is going threw it. Because he does black out it makes it harder for him to understand what he has done.one dr. told me not to video because he doesnt need to see what he has done but then another said to. because he has seen what we go threw we have come up with a plan of action for him to take before he goes into it
1. stop and walk away
2. use his words and not yell at us
3. deep breathing
4. if none of the above work then he will get an adult as we are his support system to help him get threw it
he has started to do this and this has really helped him and me understand what he is thinking because at his age he thinks about it out loud and that is my warning that i may have to be there for his support system.
He has been doing this technique know for a year and it has worked we even have teachers helping him to remember the saying.
we even go threw phases of him lying. its been a challenge to be a supporter of him but with people around me and dave your emails I can be reminded im not the only one out there.
Thank u for having this web site to go to as u always keep us posted on how to help us as supporters of loved ones with bipolar
To Dave and all the bloggers,
Wishing you a very merry Christmas!
May you all have an enjoyable, episode-free time.