Hi, how are you feeling today? I hope you’re feeling good. If your loved one is not in an episode, you can consider it a good day! On the other hand, if the two of you are struggling, you may need this blog today. It’s about working together for your loved one’s stability (and whether you can do that)/
Do you think that your loved one feels your support? Or are you frustrated, because you know you’re going out of your way to support them, but they don’t seem to appreciate it? Maybe they just don’t see what you’re doing as support. Maybe they are in their own little “bipolar world.”
Maybe they really are taking you for granted.
Some people with the disorder get so caught up in themselves and their own suffering that they can ignore their supporter and what is done for them. I’m not saying that this makes them a bad person or anything, but it may point out a problem in your relationship.
It’s important that you get your own needs met before you can meet your loved one’s needs. Or, maybe even not before, but you at least do need to get them met. If you don’t, you will end up resenting your loved one, among other negative feelings.
The point is that you both need to work together in order to have a good relationship in spite of the bipolar disorder. Because that can be very difficult. Impossible, if you don’t work together.
In order to be on the same side, your loved one has to know what you are thinking and feeling.
Stop tip-toeing around them. Be assertive. Tell them how you feel, even if it’s negative. That’s the only way they’re going to know – they are not a mind-reader. Don’t be so afraid to hurt their
feelings. If done properly, no one’s feelings will get hurt.
Pick a time when your loved one is not in an episode. Or even isolating or being distant from you. They need to be receptive to your advances. Try to be kind and loving when you bring up this topic. You want to be sure not to be threatening, or cause your loved one any stress or anxiety, or they won’t open up to you. Then, being calm, and using a soothing voice, tell your loved one how you feel.
You can say something like: “I love you, but I feel like you’re pulling away from me, and that hurts me. I want to help you with your struggle with bipolar disorder, but I need your help in telling me what you need.”
You see? This is not threatening, but offering support. Especially if you use a calm, soothing tone of voice. Then be ready to do what your loved one needs to further their stability. It’s always better when you work together.
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
My only comment to this solid advice is to expect a negative reaction from the person. Even when not in an espisode unless you have done this consistantly, this type of “open” feeling talk will initiate a guilt stressor so be ready. If you keep consistant in these talks it will get better. My advice is start now …I didn’t and it was a mistake.
Thank you David your advice is always very good and sensible. I try my best to do my part and reassure my loved one with bipolar. At times he responds but it does
not motivate him to seek the professional help he needs.
Please continue sending me your emails as they help me a lot. Sincerely Natalie
Elloo davie boy….. It’s like sukin up all the time init.. Any way my other 3quarters is not bipolor… He just as every other illness you can think of..eee there you go as am writing this he is moaning about is back lol…. He is a flipping hypercondirac have a spelt that ok lol….Ooo and has for mindreadin a think eeee think I can…..any way al tell you how I feel a feel like s… If you no how that feels….
Take Care Of Your Self x
David here is something I FOUND WROTE IN MY GRANND DAU BED THIS MORNING / now I amm the only one she got to take care of her . My rope is gettin shorter and shorter you see I’m 61
” from jessica
I love you mommy but sometimes you over treatme.Ii wish you would treatme betterokay.love youMy day is not good today because of you MOM. so you need to treat me better or else you will kiss my but andso long
Now that was in her dairy this morning ,Ino Ishould read her dairy but how else am i going find out what she thijnkihg
Because all I see out her is fight throw and all good things that gose along . Yes she under Dr care
thank you david for listen to a old granny tryin to figure out what to do
Sincerly Yours .
Jean STEVENS
Dear Dave,
Learning to be soothing and yet assertive at the same time is akin to balancing on a high wire, however , I know it can be done, because on occassion I have succeeded.
Over the xmas and New Year hols my daughter( who lives with me along with her two young sons) went into a BP depression that lasted most of 4 weeks.
Rachel finds the amount of stress and stimulation overload in the streets and homes workplaces and playgrounds during this time almost unbearable so she took to her bed.
There were times I stared into the well of desperation but theres one thing you say over and over Dave – these episodes pass and our loved ones stabilize how I wanted to rant and rave and bang my fists on the wall of frustration : but we all know that doesn’t work. It was also great to have knowledge of BP and how to be an effective supporter. All of my small amount of experience went into focusing on the BP and not my daughter.
So it was back to basics concentrating on one day at a time sometimes it was down to one hour or part of a hour at a time. What I found most heartening my daughter responded most days and I know it was an enormous struggle for her to shift the enornous weight of her dark dark mood to hear me.
I kept things simple like we planned and I kept myself calm. Before any discussion or talk I would prepare what I wanted to say I would go over it all in my head to get rid of any subjective jangling bits or any personal rubbish and to focus effort on what I wanted to get across whether it was bathing regularily or taking her meds or even proposing a little trip to the french cafe down the road, because I know that I would have to talk through an enormous amount of negative traffic going on in Rachel’s head.
I remembered from our talks that bathing helps Rachel , like the smell of certain oils in the air and on her skin sooths her. Quiet cool areas tranquility ( this bit was hard because Rachel has two very boisterous young boys -but we coped there are plenty of beaches near by.
That didn’t mean to say it was all one way traffic – I need my time down I needed to look after myself so Rachel needed to be “present to look after the house hold each time so that I could take a breather, I made the concious effort to give Rachel responsibility for the boys for up to 1 hour at a time because from past experience I know just how long she can cope with the boys on her own when she is depressed ( I usually took breaks in the day when the boys were asleep -morning , afternoon naps and bedtime)änd I expected Rachel to be there for the boys, and she was even if it mean’t she gravitated from her bed to the lounge with the curtains drawn for the length of time I was away.I was always careful to reiiterate that I didnt believe she was lazy but that her BP was playing up’and most important , I would reitierate -this mood would pass.
And it has at last.
What a relief for both of us .
I always feel blessed when Rachel has a sunshiny day or two . She had 4 days like that last week and I always remark that I feel blessed when she has a sun shiny day.SO the last two days have been a little shaky ( Rachel has returned to work) but we have plans for those days I prepare healthy meals regardless salads fish dishes lots of fruit and nuts on hand Rachel lies in the bath for long periods at night after work and she gets out her soothing oils. Rachel has begun to take an active interest in the household menu ( something she has had very little interest in since she had her major episode) she wants to buy all the fruit and veges.
Small steps Dave small steps but significant to this little family.
thank you for your emails they have been a god send and still serve to remind me to look after myself
arohanui
Shona
I will be there for my loved one, no matter what. He knows and appreciates that. We have not been able to have a relationship for the last 6 months since zyprexa got him to lose all interest in sex. However, since he has given up the drink he is in much better form generally. His doctors are ready to try him on different meds. When he is not in an episode either way we can talk about anything and he has a great sense of humour.