Hi,
How’s it going for you today?
I hope it’s a good day for you.
I have a friend who goes to a 12-Step program, and he said they have a saying:
“Be a part of your own life.”
I think that’s cool.
But I can definitely relate it to bipolar disorder, because I’ve run across people who aren’t.
For example, here’s an email I received from a supporter:
“Dave, I am fed up. I know it’s probably
wrong to say that, and it may make
me be a bad supporter, but I’m
sick and tired of doing everything
for my wife. I mean, she doesn’t
work or anything, so I’m talking
about things like keeping the house
clean, doing laundry, cooking, and
stuff like that. Stuff she can do.
I shouldn’t have to do these things for
her. Bipolar disorder can’t be that
bad, can it? I’m just finding out
about it, but I can’t believe that it’s
ok for someone with bipolar disorder
to not do things for themselves, even
if they do get depressed once in a
while. I want a partner, who will give
her opinion.
That’s what she was like before, when we first
got married. It was one of the things I liked about
her. Now I have to make all the decisions by myself.
She just doesn’t care. I want my wife to get better.
I can’t keep going on like this.”
—————————————————-
You wouldn’t believe how often I hear this same complaint.
Inactivity can lead to depression, and depression lead to a bipolar depressive episode, and before
you know it, things are out of control.
That’s why I stress productivity so highly in my courses/systems:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
I’m not judging this man as a good or bad supporter.
But, in my opinion, he is doing something wrong.
I believe he is enabling his wife.
Oh, I’m not saying that she doesn’t have a responsibility for the way things are, because she
does, bipolar or not.
But he is also doing those things for her that she can do for herself, and that’s enabling.
What would happen if he started making her do some of those things?
It might just bring her out of her depression.
Understandably, from her point of view, the bipolar disorder makes you feel so bad during a depression that it’s hard enough to get from the bed to the couch, much less clean up the whole house!
So what’s the answer for this man?
Well, for one thing, like I said, he needs to stop enabling his wife.
Another thing is that he needs to communicate his thoughts and feelings to her.
She may not even be aware of the things that she’s doing, or how upset she is making her husband.
He really needs to talk to her and tell her how he’s feeling.
He also needs to understand that she can’t read his mind, so nothing is going to change unless he talks to her about it.
But as far as the wife goes, here’s what I suggest:
1. Be present in your own life.
2. Don’t expect others to do
everything for you – do those
things for yourself that you can.
3. Be an independent thinker. Express
your opinions, thoughts, and feelings.
4. Don’t expect your supporter to be a
mind-reader.
5. Don’t expect your doctor, psychiatrist,
and/or therapist to be mind-readers,
either. They only know what you tell
them.
6. Be a team player with your support
system – like a football player shows
up for the game, whether he is 1st
string or 2nd string – he is prepared.
7. Be prepared for mood swings – have a
plan for when they happen (especially if
it means you have to go to the hospital).
8. Be productive – even if you can’t work
outside the home, start a home business,
or do volunteer work. At least do those
things around the house that you can do.
9. Use your skills and gifts to benefit others.
This is the best way to keep from feeling
sorry for yourself.
10. Be a part of your own recovery. Be your
own watchdog – look for mood shifts,
patterns, and signs and symptoms of an
episode).
What do you think?
Do you agree with me?
What would you say to the man who sent me that email?
Post responses below
David, I thought your advice was great! I’d only add one thing, to pray! The Lord can and wants to and will do all that we can’t do. And bipolar problems is no exception. We do what we can (like you said above) but then He will do what we can’t.
Have a great day and keep up the good work!
Linda
Hi,
What an eye opener. My daughter of 16 was just diagnosed bipolar after a suicide attempt. Everyones lives have changed due to this but we are working together as a team to keep her health and safe.
Yes you do a lot for them but for us it is to “retrain” her from all the habits she was doing that were negative. We have a supportive school system and friends to assist.
But each day is a challange and each new speed bump has to be met with a new plan of attack. Keeping her in school is a challenge every day there is a pain a down and ache a manic and we have to work so hard at the cry wolf versus the real one.
She hates taking meds but trys to understand how important it is.
I just need help and direction from others who are in this and have been in it. Just some support for the supporters I guess. Just venting this email has helped. What a great site and wonderful avenues to help us help them. Thanks, Anne Marie
I say he is being an enabler. I understand he might not know how to deal with her, since she might get angry which might lead to marriage problems. Maybe he should seek out help from someone else who is a supporter or a professional to know how to deal with this problem.
I agree that you “have to be a part of your life.” Where I disagree with you is: that when I had my clinical depression (although I was a landlady and had an apartment house to run), I had a job, which was ALL I could manage. I’d come home, and collapse on the bed. Yes, certain things did NOT get done, because I just didn’t have the energy or inclincation to do them. I was single at the time, and had just gotten out of the hospital for a manic episode. This went on for nearly a year, when my PCP made an appointment with a psychiatrist at the local mental health clinic. The doctor talked to me, and his final questioon was: do you feel like committing suicide? I had “entertained” the idea, but would NEVER go through with it. At the end of the conversation, he ordered me some desipramine, and within 3 weeks, I could see the “ligiht at the end of the tunnel.” It is important for any Supporter to recognize that “depression” is NOT just the “blues.” I completely “shut down” after work (thank God, work was easy, make-work), and had absolutely NO energy or thought to keeping up a house. I’m fortunate in that I only had ONE clinical depression – but that was ONE too many…
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
i think your advice is really good but she isn’t going to listen or try it. i think i’m all but done with it. she don’t even use it as a excuse, you are the one that is wrong, rude, inconsiderate or whatever. she only has time for anyone if she wants something. she goes into episodes so fast and often i can’t take it anymore. she don’t even apologize any more for how she acts and treats people, mostly me. i don’t know who she will be or is from one time to the next. i’m the only one putting anything into this and i don’t need it. she’s always going to do everything and has yet to complete one thing in a year. i’m just going to walk away and never look back. it’s time i take care and do something for me. i know it’s bad but…. sorry. most people already gave up on her and i can see why.
My boyfriend (I use that term very loosely now) used to be very productive and active and couldn’t stand having nothing to do. However, for many months now he has been very lethargic. First he lost all interest in sex, then in life generally. He is not suicidal, but does not take part in life anymore, just lets it pass by – although he does do basic things like cleaning and simple cooking. He has been like this since the zyprexa has taken effect. He tells me he is contented, but I can tell he is not really himself. While he is not telling the full truth to the doctor and psych, they won’t adjust his meds and believe he is doing well on them. He has days when he realises he is wasting his life and annoyed with himself for sitting in a chair and smoking all day. Then he says he is going to discuss this with the psych. It’s a pity his psych appointment is never on such a day. I’m sad to see a once lively, loving, sexy, funny, intelligent and talented man just throwing his life away. But I can’t do anything about it, except hope that one day he is going to wake up again.
Hi, Dave and readers,
I tend to agree w/you. Enabling isn’t good for any party, and can, in some instances, make matters even worse. I appreciate your references to slogans and phrases from the 12-Step Program. I’m blessed to be a recovering alcoholic today, and I also attend Alanon, as there’s alot of ‘drunks’ in my life, and I still have a tendency to be an enabler, too, if I’m not careful. I do stay busy, w/hobbies and volunteer work of various kinds, and I think it does as much for my sobriety as it does for my mental health. I appreciate the emails, and save them for later reading. Keep up the good work, Dave; we need you in the bipolar world!! 🙂
How do I get an ‘advanced directive?’ I don’t want to be on life support if I am not successful in my ‘attempt.’
I have done my own research on bipolar.I myself have this disorder.I get confused about alot of things.When I can’t take anymore I run away.I know this is wrong,but when people say it’s all in my head Iget angery.That’s the time i cut myself. I haven’t cut for about 5 months.Sure i’m on meds. for this and that,i keep a book by me and when i need to write things down not just to remember things but also my thoughts.I find this helps me alot.