Hi,
I got the following email and wanted to share it with you:
“Dave, I have to tell you about my wife, because I don’t know what to do and was hoping you might have some advice for me.
Susan has bipolar disorder. I knew she had it when I married her, but she was pretty stable at the time, and over the next few years, too.
Then something happened. She got really stressed out and went into an episode. She spent a lot of money, and even started to gamble. She went through all of our savings.
I learned through your courses to forgive her for this, so I did. But our finances were really stretched and it took a long time to get them back to normal. Just when they were, she did the same thing again! Now, I know I’m supposed to forgive her, but it wasn’t so easy this time. I know she didn’t do it on purpose, that it was another bipolar episode, but it was still hard for me to take. I hadn’t expected another episode to happen so soon, that was the thing. I thought she
would be ok for awhile. But there she was, in another episode. Only this time it was worse. She didn’t just spend all kinds of money and gamble – she also had an affair. She was all apologetic
about it and everything, and I knew she wouldn’t have done it if she wasn’t in an episode, but this time I really didn’t think I could forgive her.
This increase in episodes, and the things she is doing really has me worried. I thought she would get better with age, but instead, she is getting worse. The mood swings are happening more often, and so is the episodic behavior.
What do you think about all this? What should I do?”
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Wow. It sure sounds like this man has his hands full with his wife.
Yes, you would think that with time, she should get better instead of worse. However, there are some researchers who believe that bipolar disorder does get worse over time. And untreated bipolar disorder definitely gets worse over time.
The first thing I would tell this man would be that his wife’s medication needs to be looked at.
It seems like something isn’t working there. It could be that some of her medication just needs to be changed, or at least the dosages need to be changed.
I would also look at her treatment plan. Is she seeing a psychiatrist? How often? Is he regulating her medications? When was the last time her medications were changed?
Is she seeing a therapist? On a regular basis? A therapist would help her look at some of her
bipolar behaviors and help her to change them. They would work together on some of the
issues surrounding her bipolar disorder.
It sounds like she might still have some unresolved issues going on. It also seems that maybe his wife is still holding some things in that she isn’t talking to him about. So I think there needs to be some work done on their communication.
So it could be not just that her bipolar disorder is getting worse, but these issues that surround
her bipolar disorder that need attention. For example, if she is holding in negative feelings, and not talking to her husband or her therapist about them, they will build up inside her and eventually come out and “blow up” possibly into a bipolar episode.
Also, other things need to be looked at. For example, what are her sleep habits like? Is she sticking to a regular sleep schedule? Loss of sleep can be a trigger to a manic episode.
Any one of these things can be making her bipolar disorder worse.
What do you think?
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
I do better without medication. I find meditation
helps.
my fiend whom ive lost touch with on=and she is bipolr told me she had small fire in the flat where she lives n retreated to bathroom. she didnt know what to do so i told her to open all windiows etc the pbvious and apparenrly she just stayed on toile until othr ppl frim the flat came home. sjhe told me she waqs not very popular and after this we lost touch with each other ive knbown her for over 5 years now n we klive apart (almost 100 miles) in uk . is there aq way i can oh god knowsd open up the door to chatting or texting her again? there must be an aswer cos its driving me slowly up the wall. regards, john whenb we were talking on phone she asked me to be strong rfor her,
ps sorry bad typing but had stroke this june
It does help to see other peoples stories. My 17yr old daughter is bipolar and does not handle situations well. Her only friend is using her, to get any money for pot and meals from our home. The stress that it puts on me does effect her and so I am stuck, not wanting to trigger her and she doesn’t want to lose the only so called friend she has…if she had her own job and made money it would all go to him. I need to figure out how to deal with this. She’s been hospitalized many times and they want to put her in residential big time, I don’t want to go that route for fear of losing her altogether.
If you have any ideas – I would love to hear them.
Sincerely,
A mom on her last threads…
Unfortunately for my Family & myself I have over the years had some episodes like this & have made things Much, Much, MUCH harder on myself than they neede to be, because I did NOT understand what I was doing or why!!! I Completely, TOTALLY undrstand the Gentleman being hurt. angry/ & possibly resentful of his wife’s actions {Particularly the affair!!!!!}! But I understand where she is coming from too. I hope they will look into the possibilty of her needing Meds. changes! I ALSO HOPE & PRAY THAT THIS WOMAN REALIZES THAT SH EIS “INCREDIBLY” FORTUNATE TO HAVE A HUSBAND/MAN WHO CARES ENOUGH TO STICK WITH HER & NOT EXACERBATE HER DISORDER! I became a Family leper {more so than usual}, when I sought help, was on medication, admitted I had some REAL problems, & stopped trying to play roles & hide my disorders to help everyone else feel o.kay! I will continue to Pray for this Gentleman & his Wife that they will overcome in more ways than the most obvious one! Please Wish Them My BEST!
I’m going through the same thing with my husband. He hadn’t had a med adjustment in years and the last few months he’s been really bad. He was getting so angry and when he’d have a manic attack it would last longer than it use too. During these attacks itg would be so bad that he would start growling, which he had never done before. He’s never hit me in 31 years and the last attack I thought he was going too. I almost called 911 for the 1st time he scared me so much. When we told his Dr. what was happening he added another Seroquel daily. I hate to say it but that really seemed to make a difference at least so far. It has now been a few months and he hasn’t had another episode. I am keeping this in prayer and my fingers are crossed hoping he stays like this.
Dear Dave thank you for sharing this experience. My sincere empathy
goes to this husband. With my husband who has the bipolar disorder when he has an episode which is very often he becomes very promiscuous during an episode but
he either chooses not to remember or refuses to admit his infidelity. He goes into a rage and becomes not only verbally abusive but physically abusive. I hope that this is not the case for this marriage. His abuse and infidelity are the reasons we are separated. I do love my husband and wish that he could get better so I keep trying to learn all I can about the disorder. NA
Dave,
I just went through this with my hubby~~Not gambling~~
But he was nasty to me~~I took a break for myself! I was stressed~~So,Now Meds changed&larger dosages~~Hoping for the best!! Do they ever come back to the person you knew before Bi Polar?
Tks Dave
Margie
Dear Dave,
My daughter has bipolar -over three years ago Rachel went through the worst kind of bipolar episode ever . She was hospitalised twice over a period of six months once in the critical care unit and was in rehabilitation for another 6 months. Rachel was suicidal for close to 18 months of that time.The outlook for Rachel was very very bleak indeed.Rachel has two young sons who at the time of her first major episode were 2 years and 3.5 years old.
At the time of Rachels first episode I lost hope of ever seeing Rachel happy and well ever again.
It’s been three years since that darkest of times,and my beautiful daughter has returned as Rachel has said to me on occasion- it is as if she was only born last week – she has forgotten how to do a lot of things rather she hasn’t remembered a lot of simple processes ( her meds do that)so she has to relearn stuff like how to problem solve, how to “read ‘facial expressions, how to interpret non verbal signals – she needs to take medication every day – something she never had to do before( she likens her daily med taking as her lifeline – and that is so true)Rachel has had to learn to trust someone( her therapist , nurse , psychiatrist and Mental health community worker) enough to open up to and be honest with.Rachel knows to be aware of the things that might trigger the bipolar and have plans in place : like for instance the night she could not sleep a wink , the next night she took conasapam and for 3 days after that so that she would sleep undisturbed for the whole night.
Every day is a new day for my daughter and every day has its challenges. Last week for the first time in many months Rachel went to a big extended family barbeque: and for the first time in 3 years she was herself – convivial, charming, qiuetly confident and comfortable,at peace with what she calls her new normal self.
I find Rachel quite the most amazing person to be with – she is so willing to do the hard yards – every single day- I love my daughter she is my hero.
anad so is Dave and also those around the world who respond – without the emails from this site every day I could not have been the useful support for Rachel that I am today
Regards Shona
It took me several years and playin the medication game to find the med that works for me. I’ve had to have my dosage upped as I would plateau. You’ve also got to remember that people who have bipolor will some times use the disorder as an excuse for some of their behavoirs. Having an affair etc. has nothing to do with it.
It’s sad to hear about that guys misfortune of marrying a person who is mentally ill. What’s more sad though is that these people with mental disturbances don’t seem to have any feelings for other people. What I would like to know is why did that guy marry a mentally ill person. And why didn’t he protect himself financially. it’s obvious that his wife doesn’t care for him one bit and she is proving it with her behavior. If that guy is stupid enough to believe that her mental illness is the excuse, then he is mentally retarded. Maybe that’s why he married her. Shame on her for taking advantage of a retard. I don’t mean to be cruel, but honestly, what do you expect from people who take no responsibility for themselves and hurt others without blinking an eye. If I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again and again: don’t let anyone do you wrong. It doesn’t matter what their excuse is. Mental illness is no excuse for hurting others. If you allow someone to hurt you over and over, you are stupid.