Hi,
I recently heard a story about a woman whose husband was an alcoholic. And she was frustrated (and all sorts of other negative feelings) because of it. The biggest thing she felt, though, was anger and resentment toward him because she had to keep “covering up” for his behavior. He would do something when he was drunk, and she would have to “bail” him out of it. In fact, one time she actually did. She had to bail him out of jail after he got a DUI – drinking and driving. But she would constantly make excuses for his behavior. If he was hungover and couldn’t go into work that day, she would call his boss and make up some excuse for him. If he was drunk at a family gathering or something, her “cover up” (excuse) was usually that he was “just tired.”
She even made excuses to herself, to justify her husband’s behavior. “He’s just been stressed out,” she would think. She was even afraid that she might have something to do with the reason why he drank, so she made more excuses. He squandered away so much money on a gambling spree when he was drunk one time, that his wife had enough. She stopped covering up for him, and she wouldn’t even stand for his own excuse for it.
It had gotten to the point where she told him he needed to take responsibility for his own actions and the consequences of those actions. For example, she told him that if he ever got arrested for drunk driving again, that she would NOT bail him out. In other words, she set a boundary. Now she just has to stick with it – if it does, indeed , happen, she can NOT bail him out of jail, even if she wants to, or else he will keep repeating the bad behavior.
Well…Eventually things got worse, and she stopped covering up for him at work, so he lost his job. Their relationship suffered so greatly that even her self-excuse that maybe she had something to do with his drinking didn’t hold water for her anymore. She tried to get him to take responsibility for himself and to go get help, but he refused. Finally, this woman left her husband.
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You might be asking what this story about the alcoholic has to do with bipolar disorder. Or else you’ve seen the parallel between this woman’s story and your own. When someone with bipolar disorder is unstable, they can act just like this alcoholic man. They can go into a manic episode and do all sorts of things, leaving you to clean up the mess behind them. You better not do this!
If you keep making excuses for your loved one’s bipolar behavior, you may end up like the woman in the story. Your loved one needs to learn to take responsibility for themselves, their actions (in or out of an episode), and the consequences of those actions. What if your loved one gets arrested during a manic episode (for reckless driving, or shoplifting). What would you do?
The first time, bail them out, probably. But what if it happens again? It would be just like the wife of the alcoholic.
Sometimes, the only way your loved one will take responsibility is if you make them. If you are not there to bail them out. If you stop making excuses (or covering up) for them. If you set boundaries and limits, and stick to them. If you make them pay their own consequences.
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below.
Good story. You make some excellent points.
Wow that sounds like something My mom told me about my biological dad when he turned 38 (he did this to vanquish out evil spirits from his environment). I was impressed at the result though I was told he “made” himself quite a healthy person because of willpower. I also learned from my Dad’s biggest fans/friends something about his identity that neither me nor my siblings knew.
My dad was born of an Amazing Freewoman and had inherited quite a gift of prophesy which I discovered runs through my familial line. Very gifted. I dance and celebrate this news every day.
I just arrived from a Cruise from the Bahamas and My house is the noisest on block as I celebrate his life every time I get a chance thanks to his friends.
I also thank these friends for this amazing Freewoman that continues to govern not just my life but my mom’s (still living) life too.
daughter’s friends need to catch up – daddy is quite a swagga
i am showing gratitude that I have my own bathroom, phone, bed, sofa, television, sandals, garbage bag, boyfriend, friends, food, and money I am forever greatful. all because of this revelation that My dad’s friends gave me!
Hi Dave,
Not doing OK! I think this article is awful!!!I quit drinking, before being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Alcoholism and bipolar are two very different disorders! I stopped drinking which was a behavioral problem – solution – stop drinking!! Now, because my brain chemistry isn’t functioning correctly, you, someone who IS NOT BIPOLAR! Do you really think I want to behave like an insane individual, despite following my treatment program. I think you need to check your facts!! I can’t control this illness, I didn’t cause it, and no one can cure it, but please, go right ahead and blame the victim, your ignorance!! If you “enable” the person with the illness, it will be by helping them see where things went wrong and see the signs and symptoms earlier for the next episode – which WILL come even if you “enable” or you do not! Take me off this mailing as of right this minute! I feel sorry for your mother!
Lauren Gregarczyk
Dave, I don’t agree with you here. Unlike the alcoholic, the person with bipolar disorder has little control over his/her actions when in a manic or depressive episode. So, family and friends should try to help alleviate the consequences suffered when going through an episode. I have bipolar disorder and appreciate it when my family helps take care of me and make sure I don’t suffer any detrimental consequences during an episode.
Let’s Go Dave
Dear Lauren. Shut up. Don’t attack Dave or his testimony.
Have you walked a mile ..or even 5 feet in his shoes. NO, you haven’t. What if someone doesn’t have the resources you have, like tons of family to fall back on when you’re actinf “INSANE”. He was brave enough to share his truth and you judge him for it? Who are you? Dr Drew? You are probably someone with borderline personality running around saying you are bipolar so you don’t have take accountability of YOUR actions. You probably take everyone else’s inventory while ignoring your own. Go drink you lithiun pills down with a good bottle of whiskey. You’re probably a dude anyway. Mind your own business and lay off Dave you liar.
Tell that Lauren bitch to shut the hell up. You tell everyone what to do, but you can’t take care of your own sloppy ass.
What a good topic. I esp. can relate to Dave, and what he said. Lenore, your problem is: you didn’t listen (err, read correctly) Dave’s response was very enlightening. He obviously walks the walk, wheras you, Lorna, just seem like one of those know-it-alls that talk and talk and talk, but have NOTHING kind or constructive to say. Next time, instead of jumping all over Dave, get the facts. It is not all about you.