Hi,
Whether you are the supporter or the person with bipolar disorder, YOU BETTER NOT DO THIS: Never wish you were somewhere else. Haven’t you ever heard that old saying, “Wherever you go, there you are?” In other words, it doesn’t help to try to run from your problems, whether literally or just in your head. You can’t wish your problems away. You have to deal with them.
I know it’s hard. I have to do it too. (Try being me for a day! LOL) But NEVER wish you were somewhere else. It is definitely non-productive. It will not help you at all. “Somewhere else” has its problems there, too. Because, “Wherever you go, there you are.” And so are your problems. They’re still in your head.
A supporter doesn’t stop being a supporter just because they’re not home with their loved one.
Running away doesn’t help. And neither does wishing you were somewhere else. When I talk to people, I teach them how they have to face what’s in front of them – how they have to develop systems to help them deal with those things.
I know it’s hard dealing with a loved one with bipolar disorder. And sometimes you’d rather
be somewhere else doing something else (anything else). But it doesn’t help to think that way.
In fact, you better NOT think that way, because it will only get you into trouble. You have to face reality. You have to deal with what’s in front of you, good AND bad.
And there are ways to do that:
1. Remain positive
2. Be proactive
3. Maintain contact with friends
4. Maintain contact with family
5. Take care of yourself
6. Journal your thoughts and feelings
7. Exercise (it gets out your frustration)
8. See your own therapist
9. Take up a hobby
10. Go places without your loved one
These are just some suggestions. I’m sure you can think of some of your own if you try.
Another thing is that you have to separate yourself from your loved one. You have your own identity outside your loved one and outside their disorder. Make sure you remember that!
Also, try to separate your loved one from their disorder. I know that’s hard sometimes, especially because you have to live with them every day, but you have to try to do it anyway. Some people do this by looking through old photo albums or scrapbooks and remembering what their loved one was like before the disorder. Other people keep in mind what their loved one is like when they’re not in an episode (and they’re grateful for that!).
But whatever, always keep in mind NOT to think about being somewhere else – it will ruin your
trying to stay “in the moment.” “In the moment” is where you should be.” You may not be in the best “moment” of your life, but at least you’ll be dealing with reality. This is a part of mindfulness, which comes from dialectical behavioral therapy. Mindfulness teaches you to stay in the present – To focus on the reality of what is happening now and not what you’d like to be happening.
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
DON’T GET THIS WRONG, DAVE – YOU ARE A SAINT SORT OF LIKE ST. JOAN OF ARC FOR WHAT YOU DO!!!
BUT…….YOU ARE RIGHT – DON’T WISH YOU WERE ANYONE ELSE EVEN IF IT’S YOUR FAVORITE TELEVISION PERSONALITY…..YOU TAKE EVERYTHING THAT COMES ALONG WITH THAT PERSON. LOL
Dear David,
You talk about how to be a good supporter to your loved one. I am bipolar and my husband is out of the house most of the time. He is at work at first, then he has some errands to run for his work, then he has an innumerable number of people waiting for him to do their work for them because he is such a pleasing personality. He only comes home to have dinner and sleep and sometimes he still goes to a friend at 10 or 11 pm. Then where does he support me? He tries to avoid my disorder by avoiding confiding and talking, sharing with me. I have to take care of 2 children all on my own and I have a course to study (4th year university course online). I seldom get a chance to go to stores and only bought a few outfits for myself just recently.
I cannot see where he needs the break when I am not getting my sharing etc……….
Please please write something from the perspective of the person with bipolar disorder. He is not interested in reading anything as a supporter or otherwise. He has all his wishes. I always have to comply with them.
Thanks
thank you very, very much oliver. That was a lot to diguest but was right on. I will read it again, or a few times so that I can begin to apply these suggestions. thank you again for sending me the newsletters. pam
Just to be clear, mindfulness does NOT “come from dialectical behavioral therapy.” Mindfulness is a PRACTICE which is used in DBT, and many other places as well. It has its’ own history, separate from DBT. An important distinction!
I follow positive thinking and but buttom line it still hurts not being able to help due to lack of funding. The constant blaming that her life is ruined is due to me. She is not motivated at all she is 100% co-depentent on me to make her successful.
(Please publish this comment instead of the 1st. I made a mistake on the 1st one and can’t edit what I’ve already sent).
The last 2 weeks have been very difficult for me. I’m constantly thinking back to the wonderful time we had until something out of the blue in my man’s life destroyed our happiness and put him into a depression. I have always been the one able to help him. Not long ago he said I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he would be lost without me. His doctor and his psych agreed that I was the best support for him. Now he doesn’t want to see me, even speak to me on the phone. He says he “needs” to sort out this problem himself. This will only make him ill again. What can I do if he doesn’t let me help him?