Hi,
I hope this day is going well for you.
I am actually going hiking so I have to take off pretty quick.
Anyway, I recently read this in a printed interview about negativity and choices, and I think there are several lessons in here for all of us:
“I spent a lot of my 20s just trying to make other people happy, rather than trying to figure out if doing that made me happy. There are things in my life that are hard to reconcile like divorce. Sometimes it is very difficult to make sense of how it could possibly happen. Laying blame is so easy. I don’t have time for hate or negativity in my life. There’s no room for it. When you make wrong choices, you have to take responsibility for them: What part of this do I own?” I struggle to figure out what made me make those choices. All I can hope for is that I’ve learned something from it and won’t make the same choices again.”
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I especially liked the part that says, “When you make choices, you have to take responsibility for them: What part of this do I own?”
Because when you’re dealing with a loved one who has bipolar disorder, and they go into an episode, many times they do things that have consequences to them.
Then you expect them to own up to the consequences to their actions and poor choices (decisions), don’t you?
And they should.
Whether it’s all their fault or not, like this woman said, they should still ask themselves, “What part of this do I own?”
Although, we should all ask this of ourselves when we make poor choices, too. We just can’t always blame it on someone else.
And that’s another thing she said in this interview:
“Laying blame is so easy. I don’t have time for hate or negativity in my life. There’s no room for it.”
You know I’m always talking about being positive vs. being negative, and what a bad influence negativity can have on your life, your health, and on your relationship with your loved one.
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So blaming your loved one for what they do in a bipolar episode isn’t the answer either.
For one thing, many times they won’t even remember what they said or did (they aren’t lying, either).
For another thing, blaming other people just doesn’t work. It just keeps you negative. And that can keep you sick. So you don’t want that.
Being positive is the way to go.
If you’ve made bad choices, turn it around to something positive.
Do what the woman in the interview says:
“All I can hope for is that I’ve learned something from it and won’t make the same choices again.”
Well I have to leave no to get ready. I’ll talk to you later on.
Hey, what did you think about this email today anyway?
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David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post responses below
Negativity is the last thing I want. Being around people that are negative can really make you depressed. Thanks for being here so I can vent. I had a fight with my husband over the computer. He thinks I’m writing to someone and having an affair when I’m just writing in my blog or my journal. He really can make me feel depressed at times. Most of the time. My daughter is saying to divorce him but I don’t have a job to support myself and my kids. I’m planning to go look for a job tomorrow. I haven’t work for a long time because of my illness.
Dave: There is no doubt that positive thinking is essential to a persons overall health. Negative thoughts are very counter-productive. Also, it is difficult to go back and correct the past. A person should learn from the past and try not to make the same mistakes in the future. A person should be thankful to their friends and loved ones that stuck by them during the bad times. I try to make up for the bad times buy treating my loved ones better at the present time. Chuck L.
That spoke volumes David! This is the 3rd episode in 6 yrs my ex has had and we have 2 children, I have often wondered if he was telling the truth about things he said he didnt’ remember – this time is the worse,he cut off his supporters so they couldn’t try stop him. This time he told a friend that he was manipulating his meds so he could stay on the edge of manic and feel that on top of the world feeling but not go over the edge into physcotic (he is Bipolar I – severe when off meds-hears voices etc.) Well, it didn’t work, this time he has lost his business and is losing all his assets because he won’t pay his bills, my question is, when he finally get’s back on his meds and realizes what he has done, what if he says he doesnt remember all the horrible things he has done to his family/freinds/kids, I think he should be told so it will hopefully be a deterent not to ever go off his meds again, right? The other times all of us excused it, but this time he definately knew what he was doing and refused advice, his dr. told him same thing when he went to him a couple times during this episode, no resolve. We’ve just had to watch it all unfold and watch the destruction. You feel so helpless and we have all been the receiver of his anger, threats, lies, etc. He was Baker Acted the first time, 2nd time his family was able to get him back on his meds, but this time he knows what to avoid, lies about things and basically there is nothing we can do. He would not take the steps to set up a power of attorney that we wanted to have set in place the last time it happened, we all talked about it but he wouldn’t actually do what we wanted to prevent this from happening again and truthfully we thought he wouldn’t do it again so I think we all just let it slide – I wish we had really pushed harder for the things you have recommended in your materials that I purchased in 2004 -but we really thought it wouldn’t happen again – WRONG! It’s so incredibly sad. It’s unreal how many lives are effected by one persons episode. Tragic. Lastly, I am a strong believer in God’s power and when we are weak He is strong and I am believing that God will help him to get back on his meds; God makes a way when there seems no way. I am standing firm in faith that God is working and we will see the results of Gods hand to resolve this for the good of everyone. David, thanks for all your information, knowledge is power and the knowledge that you share is priceless. Thanks again.
hi david,
i like getting your emails daily, i have took this coarse before as i currently live with a friend who is bipolar.
i felt i neeeded your help again just to refresh my brain of the do`s and dont and other things so thanks again i think what your doing is great keep it up your a big help to me and many others im sure,take care.
Dave it is all so true! I just have to teach my daughter this step with her bipolar! She is only 12 years old and doesnt see what she does effects her and the family! Ive constantly have been living my dream through her so I not doing her justice! She thinks I dont know what she is going through but she got the bipolar from me so I so do! She needs to see we can help each other not fight over everything! I wish she would realize I have been there and I have made mistakes too. Ive learned from mine she can learn from them too! Thank you for your time invested in getting the info out there for all to see and helping people who have this illness and their families understand it all.
Dave,
That e-mail is so true I feel so sick when everything is negative
around me. I like staying positive and things go so much better
for me. I am so in to God I ask him to guide me through everyday of my life. I am on the path of the way God wants us to
be he has helped me so much. Dave and all the e-mails you sent me has helped me to they are so true about my life. Your e-mails are always so understanding to my bipolar have a great day and I will talk at you later ok have a great day!
I found this poignant (excuse the spelling) having recently being diagnosed as having Cyclothymia it has left me feeling slightly numb (to say the least). It does however, answer a lot of questions about some of my past experiences and the fluctuations in my mood.
Clare
hi….
I belive that negative thourts can stop you and if your partner is negative towords you dosent help not that am putting all the blame on him. A think its how you feel in
your self like low self asteam.
linda take care
Wow, this readings and others has been a huge help for me.
I spent 12 years in a relationship with a wonderful person who is bi-polar. And she did many things like this, that seemed to destroy that wonderful person I cared for so much. Not remembering things seemed like a convienant excuse too often. I wish I knew more then.
The bi-polar just sucked my energy away, and I feel so defeated as a person.
David,
My wife and I are going through a divorce as we speak. We have been married for 11 years on the 28th of this month. We are currently seperated and she has had an affair with a married man. I know because she has told me. she still wants her ex boyfriend back and she beloved that she can change him. She was diagnosed with bipolar manic depression and she still will not get help. She refuses to take ownership. I am a supporter for her bad choices. I have gone back to church and sought God. I love her so much it kills me to see her continue down this road of self destruction. I know that I have to let go of her and focus on my health. But I always seem to find some reason to go back to her. if there is anything I can do to fix this problem please help!!! We have a 9 year old son who has ADHD and has no kind of relationship with her. I feel so bad but I can not do anything to change that.
With all 3 of my hospitalizations for full-blown manic episodes, I NEVER took into consideration the CONSEQUENCES of my actions. Of course, I saw how they affected my whole family, but they “seemed” to be so understanding that it was an illness, and I didn’t know what I was doing.
During my last hypomania, I took a trip to San Francisco by myself (I live in VA), and spent a whole week with a rented car and motel. I drove from Davis to San Francisco, and even spent 3 hours in crowded traffic on the Bay Bridge, without complaining. I did some rather “unspeakable” things on my own, that I would NEVER do now. Of course, things were a BIT “tamer” in 1977 than they are now – I didn’t even give a THOUGHT to the fact that I could have been abducted or raped! It just seemed that all the songs on the radio were “telling” me to go to CA; it was a “sign from God” that I was on a “mission” to go there, and interact with people. I “interacted” all right – took a chauffeur to my room, smoked weed, and, well, you can imagine the rest. This guy could have been a mass murderer for all I knew…BUT – I felt “protected” by God, and EVERYTHING was as if in a dream – it was sooo perfect…
Then – the BAD things started to happen in the hypomania; I nearly ran my brother down with my car, and almost slapped my Mother. I had a “knock down, drag out” fight with a guy I hadn’t known very long, just because he wanted to leave. It was time to “go to the hospital,” to save myself from myself.
Looking back, it seems that God would “put me away” from the big, bad world when I was manic, to get my head straight and protect me from the outside influences that I could get embroiled in. The Psych Wards became my “sanctuary” and I felt safe, though the first couple of months away from family were HELL. “Crashing” is the worst after a mania; there are just no words for it…
In 2000, my psychiatrist brought up the fact to me that we have to bear the “consequences” of our “choices,” bipolar or not. This awakened something deep inside me, and I realized that, even while “sick,” I COULD make choices of how to behave and what to do or not do. It “opened me up” to a whole new WAY of looking at my disorder and how to handle myself should I ever go manic again. Of course, I don’t PLAN on EVER going that far, but hypomania creeps in every once in awhile, and I fear the “boogyman” of mania. Fortunately, I have a wonderful team of supporters at the Community Mental Health Clinic, who can discern my behavior, and whether I’m “going off the deep end.”
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
Dave, I am a supporter of a love one with bipolar. It is really hard sometimes. I love them so much and they love me. He does things sometimes that make me so angry. He stays up all night, he forgets to do things,
and he wants to be in control of almost everything.
It drives me crazy. I don’t know how to deal with it
sometimes. I just ignore it. I know that he is ill
and he do things that he can’t help. He be mean sometimes and he will come back later and apologize
for it. Please give me some advice about dealing with
him. I will email you tomorrow. thanks!!
My husband who is BP got angry with me yesterday and I am now getting the silent treatment which is better than some of the nasty things he has to say. I had to call him earlier when the truck broke down and he said he wouldn’t be home when I got home. Well come to find out that he is gone. Took his toothbrush and work clothes and is gone. Don’t know when I will see him or if I even want to see him. I am really getting tired of all of this. Sometimes I even wish he would just leave me.
thanks for the email Dave. My wife is the poor soul with BP. Sometimes its not so easy but I’m sure you hear that ALL the time. I have almost lost her to suicide two times once last May and once in December of 05. What part of this problem is mine, none I think but I still feel that maybe I take more than I should. We have managed to stay married almost 30 yars but I have lost a lot, she doesnt spend much time out of the house, hates her job and is morose most of the time. One bright note is that our oldest son and his new wife can to visit oaer the hoidays and that prompted ehr to see her doctor whom she told that her Abilify was doing little if any good. So she changed my wife’s meds and soon we hope to see a shift to more normal. I love her so much but its VERY hard sometimes. Thanks for the emails they do help me.
Greg
Hi David, Thank you for touching on divorce and bipolar. I was beginning to feel guilty that I gave up. I so wish I knew about your courses before I decided to give him what he’s asked for one too many times during an episode, a divorce. the nasty things he’s said to me in 20 years of relationship has affected me to the point where I needed therapy. My job put me through therapy thankfully and after all the verbal abuse and physical abuse I was strong enough to let it go and Let God! He’s now transferred his ugly bahviour to my kids, especially my daughter. She’s four. Now I’m fighting for full custody to protect them both from what I’d been through at the risk of having them hate me. It’s a constant struggle even though we are now divorced, to have to deal with him. He’s renamed me Bitherina and openly refers to me as the Bitch infront the kids. I don’t know if you have programmes to deal with this and frankly, I don’t know if I can afford it. But I’ll surely like to know more.
Thanks to all who are sharing on this forum, all of your sharing is helpful to one another. Dave, you are tryuly a special person. May God Bless you for what you continue to do to help others.
Hi! I liked that post very much. I only wish that my mother and other people around me would just understand me when I say negative things about them and yell at them and make very bad choices and promises that I´ll never keep. I never mean to actually harm anyone when I´m extremely down again, I´m just mad at myself, and i´m letting it out on other people!