Hi,
How’s it going?
I am going hiking today so I have to run.
I am really tired because I got back super late last night. 2am. I know from some of you that’s nothing. LOL.
For me that’s late.
Anyway, today I want to talk about the truth about delayed gratification.
I think a lot of what people’s problems in society today is their inability to have delayed gratification.
What’s delayed gratification?
Well, it’s when you have to wait for something.
Like saving up for a car, instead of just going out and buying one and putting your finances in jeopardy.
Or putting more money aside for a down payment for a house and waiting before you buy it, so that your payments will be lower, rather than buying it sooner with higher monthly mortgage payments.
With bipolar disorder, you may have done some things in the past but now have to wait for them.
What do I mean?
Well let’s say your loved one was in a big time job and did super well.
Your loved one who had bipolar disorder was super smart and made a ton of money in sales.
You had a big house.
Lots of stuff.
Then an episode came.
You found out that your loved one has bipolar disorder.
Now you can’t afford all this stuff and have to get rid of it.
Maybe you can get it back in the future.
But you have to wait.
That’s delayed gratification.
It’s a matter of priorities, which is something I teach in my courses/systems below:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
Remember when you were little and you wanted everything RIGHT NOW?
But your parents made you wait for things – they didn’t let you have things right now, did they?
Sometimes they made you save up your allowance for it.
That’s delayed gratification.
You had to wait for what you wanted.
Like with bipolar disorder, some people want stability RIGHT NOW!
They want it without waiting for it.
They want it without having to work for it.
They want it without doing anything to have it.
They don’t want to sleep right, exercise, or eat a healthy diet.
They don’t want to take their medication.
They don’t want to see their doctor, psychiatrist, or therapist.
They don’t think it’s important to have a strong support network.
They think they can just make it on their own.
They want their stability RIGHT NOW!
They can’t handle delayed gratification.
But when it comes to bipolar disorder, there is no other way.
You can’t just get stable overnight, unfortunately.
You only get better over time.
And that’s if you do those things I mentioned.
You have to work for it.
And you have to be willing to accept that you will have delayed gratification.
Agree or disagree?
Post responses below
unfortunately the delayed gratification for me would have probably found me dead before we got there. his episodes were more violent and i was very afraid of him. i feel bad that he cant ever find happiness its like he is always chasing something that isnt there and it could be in front of his face. he threatened divorce was mean to a point that after 25 years i just couldnt take it anymore he would get help and still wont admit he is bipolar… he takes me to court all the time to do things to his kids.like emmancipate and she just turned l8. he wont work so he doesnt have to pay more in for her… she asked how he was after a car accident he had had and he said “get a job!” he is becoming more angry yelling a two lawyers one being mine the other day…. waiting for me to leave and then following me trying to intimidate and be powerful i am so glad he doesnt live with me anymore…as a person i cant live that way… yelling at me in a ramp garage at the court?! come on now…then he would leave ,drive backward say something else like 3 or 4 times in front of our teen kids not an easy day at all ….he didnt want the divorce i did ..he went to the lawyer first spent 3,000 we didnt have ..had an affair and told me he was leaving in three years so i’d better get my crap together ….i am more strapped for cash but i have my sanity back….he is mean to our kids but they are 18 and 22 so they can deal with his moods better. he is deceitful tells the kids to do things like telling the govt. that i claim them on taxes i dont he does and they would have benefits they dont have now because he does claim them. i’m glad they dont listen to him.. after 2 1/2 years i am still not sure what he would do to me physically it would take very little for him to mess me up mentally and emotionally again….i write to him and he writes mean notes back he is obviously bitter i filed even though he threatened it going so far as to order books from the library on divorce and then send me in to pick them up..cruel very cruel i hope for him someday he can find some help and be happy but the road he’s on he wont and cant .
This is so true. None of us really like to wait, but it makes life easier and more pleasurable when we do. We learn and grow; maturing in the process.
Dave-
Exactly square on with the instant vs delayed gratification. There was a speaker named Morris Macey who discussed “You are where you were When”. great lessons–the sad note is my mom (now in her eighties)parents were penny saved–penny earned. Than mom became the credit card queen. (I thought we were “upper middle class”–but with the debt ratio, our family were really middle class. Mom was the model instant gratification. sooooooooo like mother, like daughter.
I agree 100%. The ability, and the willingness to delay gratification is essential. This is true for all adults, whether they have bipolar disorder, or they are supporting someone with the illness, or, well…if they are any other adult who expects to succeed!
I was already thinking this morning (by coincidence, I suppose) about this and related issues pertaining to all of us adults affected by bipolar disorder.
Rather than thinking of those of us who have the disorder as a group of folks who have trouble delaying gratification, and therefore invite unnecessary, additional suffering, I took a different perspective.
(Hands down, I do NOT disagree with the point you make, this can, and does happen, we can have trouble delaying gratification)!
But I was also thinking about how, if we are open to it, bipolar disorder can actually teach us, and our supporters, to delay gratification.
Let’s face it. To a certain extent, bipolar disorder is bigger than all of us. Not to say we’re helpless, but simply that none of us can fix it by sheer will, or by doing things however we want to. We can’t, any one of us involved, overcome bipolar disorder by figuring it out on our own or making it go away.
As someone who suffered for years, but did not stablize on meds despite consistent compliance with doctors and therapists, I learned that bipolar disorder was bigger than me. I could stay safe on the meds I had, but I was nowhere near stability.
Once it clicked for me that this condition was bigger than me, I started to understand that this was, if nothing else, a case of delaying gratification. I’m sure I didn’t think of it in those terms at the time, but that’s what it was.
From there, I had to do two more things. I had to believe that there were other possibilities. No matter that I had suffered all those years with no apparent indication that anything would ever change.
My thoughts went in the direction of, “It’s POSSIBLE that I don’t yet have all the information I need to be well. It’s POSSIBLE that I could have a better life in the future. I believe I am doing the very best I can, given my circumstances.”
And then, knowing what my options were, I deliberately made my commitment to waiting/seeking/finding the next part of the puzzle that could POSSIBLY help me. I called it a “holding pattern.” I would maintain things to the best of my ability, and I would hold to that belief that my future would be better.
So, while it is true that if you have bipolar disorder, it can be very hard to delay gratification, to a point this is natural. Of course no human being wants to suffer a moment longer than they have to. And habits are hard to change. It’s easier not to. But again, that’s very human, and it can change.
I just wanted to mix into the conversation that, if you’re open, despite the pain and frustration of it, your experience with this disorder, from whichever perspective, can actually teach you to delay gratification, rather than preventing you from doing so.
Best to all, stay well.
J
Such courage! No one knows but us how demoralizing and “crazy” life can become with a bp person. Hang in there! You are doing great. I told my daughters to just occassionally tell me I am OK! My love to you and hope for your successful life. I, too , am married many years to a b p person. No one but those that have been there and are there can understand. You are OK and strong for what you have been through. Delayed gratification-that’s all I have had, DAVE! Love the blog!
HEY DAVE WHERE WER U TILL 2AM IN THE MORNING WER U NIGHT CLUBIN ITT (LMFAO)
In my 20s, I had THREE major nervous breakdowns for mania. No sooner would I be released from one hospital, and be on my treatment plan, but that I would find myself going hypomanic AGAIN! I did NOT beiieve in “delayed gratification” at the time; I thought I would be “cured” and all the “craziness” would be behind me. No fricking way.
I was hospitalized in two different hospitals in 1968, during my first manic episode. I was released, and on meds, being checked by the “traveling nurse” for my symptoms of “schizophrenia;” they diddn’t have the diagnosis of “bipolar disorder” back then. Before I knew it, I was back, “burning the candles at both ends,” and finding myself hospitalized AGAIN in two different hospitals, in 1970. I was NOT cured, obviously. The “monster” (mania) did not hit me again until 1977, when I was 29. I had to be “normalized” in two MONTHS, as that is how long my insurance would pay for. Unfortunately, I was released in a full-blown DEPRESSIVE state.
The depressive state was handled by the local Community Mental Health Clinic, and they are my Supporters now. I’m STILL in “mixed episode,” but have “vertigo” now, and am on Meclizine, which is affecting me somewhat today. I have to take it for 3 days. I’m as “dizzy as a fool” right now!!!
Unfortunately, I never learned the lesson of “delayed gratification” until it was toooo late (like, right now). I used my credit cards to buy things on F*REE Trials over the Internet from 2005 until 2007, NOT canceling the trial, and being charged upwards of $187/month on the item I didn’t even USE!! DO NOT FALL FOR THESE TRICKS!! Not only can I NOT afford to use my credit card, but I don’t have the MONEY to pay it back! Thr ONLY purchases I make now, are groceries, and I don’t even have Food Stamps…I’m living off one credit card to buy food, and I’m feeling VERY poor right now.
I can’t even save for things I might need. I needed new brakes, or my car wouldn’t pass Inspection – out comes the credit card! It’s a “hand to mouth” existence, and I’m really NOT used to it. I was raised “upper middle class,” and with the apartment house, could save for a rainy day. Not any more…
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
So many on this planet want instant gratification because they have gone without for different reasons. Just i.g. is not a quality just for bipolars.Nobody is perfect and I can’t say that I did not fall prey to instant gratification. As you Suzanne, I was raised the same and did not know the value of money when I became an adult.
I am a bipolar survivor, have always taken my medication but back in the days when I started out, it was unknown both to society in general. Medical staff were clueless as well as everyone else.
I am very sorry for Suzanne – pease know that I am praying for you. Keep on , don’t ever give up !
I have noticed one thing about myself and my mother. We must be the same because we wanted to give away our things.Don’t understand that. What am I lacking ? Greed ? Loneliness ? Do I want to “buy” possible support in form of friends ?
Anyway, my heart goes out to you all,
Take care,
Suzanne, I am sorry to hear your having such a hard time. What state are you in? My bp husband has been a mechanic for 30 years and had to stop working last year due to his bp but if you are close he would be happy to due your car repairs for free. He is feeling useless waiting to hear about his ssdi. We are located in California. Hope things get better for you.
I can’t figure out whether we are talking about delayed gratification for material goods here or waiting to get better when a bipolar episode hits. Since I believe in living within my means, I’m going with #2.
If you are not bipolar it is not possible for you to grasp the demonic pain, confusion, disorientation and despair of a bipolar depressive episode – and they always go to depression eventually. Waiting is my only defense. Watch movies – good movies, stupid movies, maybe read if that is possible, watch TV, & wait.
If my mind is occupied with input other than ruminating on suicide it is easier to wait. I sip vodka, too, while I wait. This is not my normal pattern, it softens the pain, but in the long run it is my opinion that vodka is going to have fewer long term detrimental effects on my body than ramping up the antipsychotics – which cause me to eventually twitch, stammer and forget where I live.
Exercise, good nutrition, meds, therapy are my norm when I am not under the influence, but I have spent an hour on a treadmill crying while BP Depressed and found very little therapeutic value in that exercise experience at that time. It’s too hard, and that’s from a 25 year gym rat.
To BETTY & GABRIELLA: I thank you from the bottom of my heart, for your good wishes and prayers. The prayer of a good woman CAN/WILL work miracles, and I have experienced more than a few in my lifetime. I didn’t post to get sympathy; just to show that I can relate to most of the bloggers on this site It IS hard living on a fixed income, especially with impulsive symptomotology of bipolar disorder.
Not only have I CURBED my spending, but I am TRYING to QUJIT smoking!! My boyfriend has done it, and if HE can do it – and he’s been a “religious” smoker for almost 50 years – then so can I!! I won’t LET him see me fail…
Again, thank you all for caring; it means more than you will know 🙂
HEY ANDREW I WISH I HAD YOUR ERGE. R U RELATED TO DAVID LMFAO.
To BETTY: It was a kind offer to fix my car for free!! Unfortunately, I’m on the opposite coast – I’m in VA!! Keep the faith, and I will, too!!
Right on.Many people in our society who are not bi-polar live on their credit cards and spend foolishly.I have been a support worker for many years and know that nutrition, exercise,proactive programs and empowerment really works for bi-polar illness.
The Debate Dave?
You’re yet to Join me.
I see you are an invertebrate?
NO it is as NONE can defend “psychiatry” Pseudoscience.
You are to use the American idiam a Yella Fool.
Andy;
Sexual intercourse the Orgasmo & the Cumming are FAR better if it takes a LONG time to get there.
I went at it for 4 to6 hrs a day for 2 Weeks, when I came it was the greayest.
Only 4 to 6 hrs a day, at the time I had onlt 1 Woman.
HEY TROY WOT WER U ON VIAGRE
First to Troy, I believe its called “Tantric sex” that’s where you almost arrive but stop just short of full orgasim. Its supposed to make it that much better when you do allow yourself to go all the way, I couldn’t tell you from personal experience I have the opposite problem {if you want to look at it that way,?} I cant seem to not have orgasims, all most premature even. Ok its not a problem I really struggle w/ so to speak, & it hasn’t always been like this, as a matter a fact sexual gratification its self is new to me @ 38yrs of age. I only learned how to let myself enjoy sex a couple of years ago. I am very grateful to the partner who opened the door or broke down the wall that was blocking the true pleasure I had never let myself feel!!! At first I even thought it was a one time or one partner thing, {like he was the only one w/ whom I could ever have great sex} instead what I learned was I can have great sex w/ who ever cuz Ill be there!!, in other words its up to me as much as who Im with. I gotta stop but that’s an example of delayed gratification would you say? more later. Oh yea good luck w/ getting what you want Troy!!!