Hi, how’s it going? Hope you are doing well.
A friend told me something interesting the other day. At first it didn’t make sense. I had to ask him to explain what he meant. But once he explained, it really made sense to me. And I think it’s something that most of us could use in life.
This is what he told me: “We should help each other with our burdens, but we all carry our own by ourselves.” Like I said, at first it seems contradictory. But after a while, when you stop to think about it, it makes sense.
Help with the things that are hard in life is always a good thing. But at the same time, we all need to take responsibility for our own lives.
For someone with bipolar disorder, this is what this means: If you can get help from a supporter or a service, that is great. If you can help someone else out with what you learned, that is also great. But when it comes down to it, you are the only one who is responsible for your own recovery.
If you are a supporter, this is what this means to you: You can help your loved one out with their bipolar disorder in any way you can, and that’s great. Occasionally, they might even help you out with problems that you have, and that’s great, too.
But when it comes down to it, there are times when you have to step back and let them make their own decisions about their recovery. After all, it is their recovery, not yours. I know, sometimes it can be hard to remember that. Trust me, I know.
And there is nothing wrong with wanting to help out in any way possible. There isn’t even anything wrong with wanting to fix it all. That is, as long as you realize that you can’t just “fix it.” As long as you realize that you can’t be the only one putting effort into their recovery.
If they don’t want to recover, then anything you do will be pointless, no matter how hard you try. If they want to fix a few things, but they don’t want to go through the effort of working on everything, then you will only be able to help them in the areas that they are willing to work on.
If, on the other hand, they are willing to work on everything as long as it is in a manageable form, then you can help them along with the process. A good place to start is by helping them keep their recovery plan reasonable and manageable.
Help them to break up larger goals into smaller steps. Help them realize that they don’t have to work on everything all at once. You may even need to remind them that they are not going to recover overnight, no matter how hard they try. In fact, if they are trying that hard to recover that quickly, then you may need to question whether they are in a manic stage or not.
Taking on responsibility for ourselves can be a challenging thing. Sometimes we feel like it would be so much easier if it would just go away, or if someone else could deal with it for us. While those thoughts are nice, we need to remember that they are just thoughts, and that reality doesn’t actually work that way.
Accept the help you get; there is nothing wrong with getting help. Don’t be afraid to help others to the best of your ability. But in the end, take responsibility for yourself. What are your thoughts on this?
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
we do not all ways are herd when we ask for some help and things are geting wose for me some times i wound if life is all woth it suver deperss and bi-poler it like i am not geting help at all 4 pepple on a teem and still no help at all
I support a bi polar son and on his last manic episode he ran up his bills until bankruptcy is all he has to look forward to. He is not home. The stress there is too much. I want to help. He never quit work and has
always done for his family. Character and integrity are
part of his make up. He had a breakdaown 4 years ago and left home. He has professional help and has been in marriage counselling four years. Not working. Better to be alone working on himself and manageing his syndrome. I think I need to wait and see what he is going to do regarding his home sale (not worth anything in this mkt.) better than foreclosure. Credit card $45,000. Bank ruptcy or me. Business about to go under and he will be on unemployment for 6 months. Make arrangements to clear debt. He is managing and controling his meds. I understand everything you are saying. Thanks.
Clarification: Where he works is about to go under. He will have to go on unemployment. He is working on job possibilities. He will have to file for bankruptcy if they don’t materialize. It’s a tough decision.
I KNOW THAT YOU DON’T ANSWER E MAILS FROM PEOPLE THAT HAVE NOT SUBSCRIBED TO YOUR PACKAGE, BUT THE TRUTH IS I CANNOT AFFORD TO DO THAT BECAUSE I AM TOTALLY BROKE. MY PARTNER IS BIPOLAR AND HE HAS BEEN TAKEN OFF ALL HIS MEDICATION BY HIS DOCTOR. HE HAS DEVELOPED SOME PHYSICAL PROBLEMS THAT COULD BE SERIOUS AND HIS DOCTOR IN HIS INFINITE WISDOM TOOK HIM OFF ALL MEDS UNTIL THEY CAN FIGURE OUT HOW THEY WILL EFFECT HIS PROBLEMS. MY PARTNER TONIGHT IS OUT WITH SOME WOMAN IN A BAR THAT BUYS HIM DRINKS. HE HAS NOT CONTRIBUTED ANYTHING TO THE HOUSEHOLD FOR MONTHS NOR HAS HE DONE ANYTHING PHYSICALLY LIKE MOW THE LAWN OR TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE. HE IS DROWNING HIS SORROWS AND WORRIES IN ALCOHOL. HE SAYS I’VE BECOME IMPOSSIBLE TO LIVE WITH. I HAVE CHANGED. I HAVE SUPPORTED HIM FINANCIALLY, EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY FOR A QUITE SOME TIME. HE IS ON DISABILITY AND THEY ARE NOW NOW RE- EVALUATING THE SITUATION AGAIN BECAUSE OF THE PHYSICAL PROBLEMS. ISN’T BEING BIPOLAR ENOUGHT? I AM FRUSTRATED AND RUNNING OUT OF STRENGTH TO RIDE THIS ONE OUT. I KNOW YOU WON’T ANSWER THIS BUT I THOUGHT I SHOULD WRITE IT ANYWAYS. I KNOW HE NEEDS A NEW PSYCIATRIST BUT I CAN’T GET THAT FOR HIM UNLESS HE IS WILLING TO DO IT HIMSELF AND HE IS TOO ABSORBED IN HIS ESCAPE WITH ALCOHOL FOR ME TO EVEN GET THROUGH TO HIM. I AM IN A CATCH 22. DO I THROW HIM OUT ON THE STREET WITH THE POSSIBILITY OF A CANCER DIAGNOSIS? I LOVE AND CARE ABOUT HIM BUT IT’S COME TO AN IMPASS THAT I DON’T THINK I CAN GET THROUGH.
I have to say Dave,
I agree wholeheartedly!! I’ve dealt first w/ severe depression, then that turned into manic-depression (bi-polar disorder). I’ve struggled off & on for 29 yrs. The good news; I learned to stay on my meds; no matter how good I feel, because if I quit taking them, I’m back in the psych. ward. I also drank for many yrs. It’s a wonder I haven’t been hospitalized for around 12 yrs. I did finally stop self-medicating w/ alcohol. I got tired of going through d-t’s, & seizures in which I almost bit my tongue off twice. I had to learn the hard way. Now I’m sober & have never felt better than I do today. I hope this testimony will help others in some way. If I can do it, I believe anyone can.
Thanks for all you do to help people w/ bi-polar disorder.
Sincerely,
Fredrich
I don’t know where to start but I agree perfectly with your piece of writing. I couldny agree with you more. I have suffered so so so much from some one who suffers from this condition and unfortunately her family has helped her persecute me all my life. It is very tough being a victim of someone with that condition.
One thing that seems consistant about bipolar is the roller coaster spending and personality changes so where does one stop being vigilant and let the bipolar person take —so-called-“responsibility” because stepping back boomeranges and everyone suffers. No one ever addresses the children involved and affected –the conjunctive behavior or the fact that phsychologists and psychiatrists don,t coordinate the care,meds etc –being drained of time as well as money–struggling with agencies to coordinate the help –each medical or mental care person does NOT coordinate with the others—the system seems and untrained, uncoordinated wasteful mess–how do you get it “together”????
“You can lead a horse to water , but you cannot MAKE it drink.” This
is true. You can mix salt in their oats, give powdered electrolytes etc, but ultimately, the horse must WANT to drink. You can help, but
the responsibility lies with the person themselves.
Dave, everything is going well as long as she takes her Med’s, so just waiting for the next thing to happen just don’t know when. Thanks for all your info, it does help.
MY DAUGHTER IS 33, SHE HAS 3 KIDS,2 HER EX HAS CUSTODY OF THEM. SHE HAS DONE METH STOPPED IT. GOT HOOKED ON VICIDIN. WENT TO CLEAN AND SOBER FOR 8 DAYS. SHE CAME HOME AND WAS HER OLD SELF. IT WAS SO GOOD. HER BIPOLAR
WAS IN CHECK. TODAY I CALLED HER AND SHE WAS IN A CRABBIE MOOD. I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG. I ASKED HER IF
SHE HAS TAKEN HER MEDS, SHE OF COURSE SAID YES. I MADE THE TALK SHORT. OVER THE WEEKEND SHE AND THE MAN THAT GOT HER STARTED ON METH WENT TO RENO AND GOT MARRIED. WE
TRY TO SHOW WE ARE HAPPY FOR THEM, WE HAVE TRIED TO LIKE HER NEW HUSBAND, BUT WE DON’T TRUST HIM AT ALL. HE WORKS NOW AND THEN UNDER THE TABLE. HER 13 YR OLD TOLD US IF SHE GETS BACK ON DRUGS OR HE STARTS DRINKING AGAIN
HE WILL RUN AWAY. HE WON’T TELL ANYONE WHERE HE IS. SHE KNOWS. SHE IS TRYING TO GET DISABILITY IT TAKES FOREVER.
EVERYONE SAYS IT WON’T WORK. SHE DIDN’T GO TO REHAB LONG ENOUGH. SHE HADN’T BEEN ON DRUGS THAT LONG AND EVEN THE VICIDIN WAS ABOUT 7/8 MTHS. THE ONLY THING I KNOW SHE DID WHILE IN CLEAN AND SOBER WAS BURN HER HAND INBETWEEN HER THUMB AND FINGER. 3RD DEGREE. SHE SAID BECAUSE OF SOME GUYS THAT WERE TALKING ABOUT THE DRUG AND STUFF TO THE POINT IT WAS DRIVING HER CRAZY. BEING BIPOLAR SHE CAN’T STAND TO TALK ABOUT THE DRUG AND WHAT PEOPLE DID OR DO AND SO FORTH. WHEN I READ THE EMAIL FROM YOU TODAY IT HIT HOME, I TRY TO STAY CLOSE TO HER TO KEEP HER STAYING ON TRACK. MY HUSBAND SAYS I AM SMOTHERING HER. I NEED TO NOT BOTHER HER. LET HER CALL ME. ITS NOT THAT EASY. I WORRY. BUT I WILL TRY TODAY TO NOT CALL ANYMORE AND GIVE HER A FEW DAYS TO SEE IF SHE CALLS ME. SHE IS A FOLLOWER AND WITH THEY INCOME PROBLEMS I AM AFRAID ITS GOING TO COLAPSE AGAIN. MY HUSBAND WANTS TO MOVE TO ANOTHER STATE. SO WE DON’T ENABLE HER. SHE KNOWS RIGHT FROM WRONG BUT WITH BIPOLAR
ITS LIKE A LITTLE DEMON IN HER TELLING HER TO DESTROY
HERSELF.
THANKS FOR LISTENING
My son is bipolar and says he isn’t. He will go to jail for drinking or driving where he is not suppose to and says when he gets caught its not his fault. Its the “other peoples fault”. He now has his license taken away for 3 years and complains that it shouldn’t have happened cuz other people are driving him crazy. He has the craziest stories which of course is bipolar and of course I want to help but it doesn’t seem to get through to him. I give him his meds but does he take them faithfully??? I don’t know. He is 34 and I cannot force him to open his mouth and roll his tongue to see. Right now he seems to be ok but ask me again in two months!!! I totally agree with what you say but its very very hard to do. Very hard!
I know all of your pain. Please take a few hours from the chaos to read “co-dependent no more”. It has helped me tremendously. Replace the word alcoholoic with mental disorder or bipolar and move forward with the book. On an aiplane they always say “first place your own oxygen mask on before helping those who need assistance”. Love and light for you all.