Hi,
How’s it going?
I hope you’re doing ok today.
You know, we spend a lot of our lives just waiting.
Waiting to grow up.
Waiting to graduate from school.
Waiting to move out.
Waiting to get that career started.
Waiting for promotions.
Waiting for the right person to come along and marry.
Waiting for a baby to be born.
Waiting for our birthdays.
Waiting for holidays.
Waiting for vacations.
Waiting to retire.
Waiting for the weekend.
Waiting in lines.
Waiting at doctors’ offices.
Well, waiting is probably one of the hardest things for a supporter with a loved one who has bipolar disorder to do.
Not just the waiting in doctors’ offices…
But the waiting for your loved one to become stable.
It’s hard sometimes, especially if they aren’t stable right now.
It’s hard when you feel like you’re all alone.
That’s why you need to have your own support system, along with other things like I teach in my
courses/systems about dealing with bipolar disorder.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
It’s hard just to cope and deal with bipolar disorder in the first place.
That’s why you need to read everything you can about the disorder, so you can be educated.
And having knowledge, you can gain some control over the disorder.
It’s hard to be a good supporter.
Sometimes you may feel overwhelmed.
Sometimes you may have negative feelings.
Sometimes you may even resent or be angry at your loved one, just because bipolar disorder is so much a part of your life together.
But waiting has to be the hardest thing to cope with as a supporter.
Waiting for your loved one’s medication to work.
Waiting for your loved one to learn to manage their bipolar disorder.
Waiting for them to get better.
Waiting for your loved one to GET STABLE.
But sometimes the wait is a long time.
Some people with bipolar disorder don’t take to their medications at first.
It’s a matter of trial and error to get them on the right medication.
Sometimes it’s hard to find the right doctor, psychiatrist and therapist for them.
Some supporters of people with bipolar disorder find it very hard to even get their loved one into treatment.
And waiting for a bipolar episode to end is the worst.
You may feel really helpless.
You may have to do some things that you don’t want to do, like put your loved one in the hospital.
You may have to count on other people to help you.
Your loved one may be hard to get along with.
They may even be in denial, which can be very frustrating for you.
So, yes, waiting is probably the hardest part.
But if your loved one does the things they need to do to get better (get stable), you will not have to spend all your time waiting any more.
The main thing is to get them into treatment and on the right medication.
And to take care of yourself as well.
Do you find yourself waiting on your loved one to get stable?
What are you doing in the meantime?
Post responses below
Waiting is the most difficult in being the supporter of someone who is bi-polar. The few people I thought I could trust to help me, tell me “he’s smart he’ll do what he needs to do” or “it’s just one drink, he’ll be fine” or “you’re making a big deal out of this it’s not as bad as you make it seem”. They’ve never faced him down in the middle of his rage, threats and violence. To them he is the nicest person they’ve ever met, only his therapist, my son and I know the truth, he hides it so well. When is it time to say enough?
Hi Dave,
Yes indeed, it is really hard!! I have decided to divorce with my wife for all the reasons you have listed! You indeed listed all the things I am going through and it made me crying …
I was asked by her Doctor to hospitalize her several time but I am unable to do it because two wonderful children we have. I am afraid to hurt them! Even more, I have no guarantee that will help her. She is a MD herself (a very good one) and plays with her medication thinking she is fine. Very often, she is in complete denial and accusing me of being the cause of her panic attacks, accusing me of being the sick one, of the one who is making her sick …
Patience is great virtue but also has a limit and I cannot continue anymore living this way. It is hurtful for the children because they are NOT understanding the situation. My wife is telling them her “story” and getting them into her world. This is even something worse to accept and to handle. The children are asking questions and I am speechless … Do you have some ideas on how to handle the children in such situation?
Thanks for your posts, they are helpful!!!
Best Regards,
Jamel
Dear Dave,
This morning reading your email was like it was meant for me. I have written on here at various times.A little history is that my husband was diagnosed last December with BP. We have been together off and on for 12 years and married for ten. His first episode was in Dec/02 although at the time we didn’t know what it was.He had an affair and moved away for 2 1/2 yrs. We had an 18mos old at the time. We reconciled three years later and last December he was diagnosed finally.I was relieved. I thought we now at least know what we are dealing with and we can move forward from here. He was already almost into an full blown manic state and depression however(he is a rapid cycler)and within weeks he again had an affair and moved out. In both cases he cnotinued relationships with these woman for a period of time.He has since left the second woman and has been trying really hard to achieve stability. We have stayed separated but I still love this man and am his biggest supporter.We both agree that we want to be together but that he needs to be on his own and try to work on himself. However with us remaining very close. Things were going very well between us in spite of the fact that he has been struggling with his stability. he has been very honest and open with me,trying to work on this together,working harder at it than he ever has. Within the last few days,things changed dramatically. He has been drinking a bit off and on, and this past weekend he turned to trying drugs. Something I have never know him to do since we have known each other,but something he had done in his youth. That led to some really bad decisions and risky behavior. He now says we need to slow things down with us and he needs to figure how who he is and why he is riverting back to destructive behaviors that he did as a youth.This is so difficult. I do love this man so much and see the potential he has to be the best he can.If only he believed in himself the way I do.He has never had that kind of support in his life and it’s like he doesn’t know how to accept it. He wants for us all to be together again as a family. I want nothing more than to have that happen.He says he just doesn’t know how to get there. He does have a doctor and therapist but doesn’t always tell them everything that is going on with him.I just wanted to share our story and my personal struggle with waiting.Most of my friends and family don’t understand why I do,but I just love this man and feel I am suppose to be with him. I know he loves me too and he himself doesn’t understand how I can still stand by him.It is definitely a struggle that nobody chooses,the supporters or the one with the disorder and I feel for anyone who has BP affect their life. It is a constant struggle.one I’m not willing to give up.
I read your article, and it struck me. I do not have a great support system for being BP. My husband is awesome, but some days it is too much for him. He is pretty much my all support system.
I do not know anyone else with it, wish I did, love to meet other people like me, but I have not. I know they are out there, but no connections. It would be great, so then so much of it does not go onto my husband. He is very supportive, and always there for me, but we are not the easiest people to deal with at times!
waited for 20 years! now finally stable and on medication.
Hi Dave,
Well, here I am again. I just had to put my son back in the hospital because he stopped taking his meds again for the upthteen time. He said he ran out of it. But why he ran out I haven’t a clue. I have tried to explain to him if he took his meds right he shouldn’t run out. My son has this problem with taking to much at one time. I think he believes if one is good two is better and if two is better what would three do? Why is that? I have tried to supervise him with his meds but he gets angry with me says I am trying to treat him like a child. I told him if he didn’t won’t me to treat him like a child he shouldn’t act like one. Was I wrong for that? My son is 35 will be 36 next month. I have been dealing with bipolar since he was 18 years old. He seems to have a pattern with this disorder. It seems like every 10-12 months he stops taking his meds and becomes very delusional and psychotic and grand dios. He is very delusional at this time, the worst I have ever seen him. The doctor has ordered for him a one on one staff member to be with all the time because he gets very agitated and loud. I saw him last night and he was very very delusional, grand dios and psychotic. He seemed a little hostile toward me but when I realized how bad he was I just started going along with him. Even the guy that was assigned to him agreed with him. He later told me it was easier to agree with my son because if you tried to make him see rational he gets very agitated. My son always gets hostile and has gotten violent toward me when he has an episode. I assume it’s because I know when he is in an episode and he resents it.
I am my son’s caregiver and I try to give him the benefit of the doubt but when I start noticing little changes in him which I do when he goes off of his meds. When I question him about it he gets very upset with me and accuses me of treating him like a child. Dave, am I wrong to question him? Will this ever end? I shudder to think what will happen to him if something happened to me. No one else takes intitiative to help him. Everyone depends on me because I am his mother and assumes its my responsibility. His dad won’t help when he gets like this and my husband doesn’t know what to do. My husband deals with a brother who is schizoprhenic so he has enough on his plate with that. I am not sure if my son is going to be able to live on his own because of this situation. It seems like it all falls on me. Dave, don’t misunderstand me, I don’t resent my son I love him with all my heart and only wish the best for him, but I need advice on how to help him.
Why do bipolar patients stop their meds? Is it because of the high they feel which sometimes I think why my son does it because he escapes reality.
I could go on and on with this but I know you are a busy person so I won’t keep you. If you have any suggestions that might help me please let me know.
I get your emails daily and appreciate them tremedously.
Take care and May God bless.
Ann P.
Dear David: I am a supporter, caretaker, confidant, friend and patient mother of two admirable persons with bipolar disorder. Both so different and yet so alike. Reading your daily observations and comments, make my day so much more lighter and full of hope. Thank you so much. Amy
Dear Dave,
I waited for 4 years for Rachel ( my daughter)to stabilise, 2 years from the worst part of the mania, and yes the major part of the waiting period had to do with Rachel having compiance issues Some of the waiting had to do with seriously enabling her.
And your right once Rachel quit being in denial once I started to work on supporting Rachel not enable her once Rachel started taking her meds , seeing her doctor , exercising etc once I stared taking csre of myself she/we began to see signs of a glimmer of hope for the future- today Rachel has been nearly 6 months stable she holds down a research assistants job at the Auckland university – go figure.
I had to find hope and faith Rachel would stabilise and she would go on to become employed and return to her children- once I had hope and faith the waiting would become easier.
Your emails have been instrumental in helping me -thank you Dave
Regards
Shona
My son Corey does not have bipolar he has been diagnoist with borderline personality with dr, said bipolar would have been easier, Corey is so extremely difficult to live with he has to self medicate to make it through the day or I dont think he could maintain he would bestroy everything he never feels good this is very heriditary on my husbands side, Corey could never be left with anyone as an infant or even plder breast fed for over 2 years, cannot even sleep at home without someone spending the night, Corey ahs not had anything happen to him that would cause this to muce attention because of how diificult he was and is. I would listen to anything that would help my family
Dear Dave, thank God I have the opportunity to meet you. It’s been a big relief for me to finally know that my 24 years old brother, who’s on his final semester before completing his Degree in Civil Engineering. From what I read in your e-mail are amazingly what I had just experienced. This morning I had taken him for his consultation with the doctor. He’s been refusing to consume one of the pill prescribed. We had only discovered his BP recently ( early this August to be exact ) When we looked back to his life, we discovered, he has shown all the symtoms since he was 16 years old. I really pray to God that he will be given the understanding and acceptance of his BP. In the meantime, I also pray that I will be given the neverending patience, love and strength to help my brother. My love and my pray also for you, only God can repay for all the good things you share with us….. Take good care of yourself and till we meet again. – Azifa
It seems to me we’re all like people drowning trying to hold to a stick of straw, imagining it will keep us alive…
Dave
It has been a struggle… to say the least. My question for you and the others writing.. How long do you give it to start to stabilize? 6 months ago i have it 6 months (after hearing and reading that I had to set a time limit for myself) for my boyfriend to start to stablize. Well, he did nothing – but we are now on different meds and a new psycologist so I felt like it wasnt fair for me to give 6 months for him to start trying to get better since he was with a bad counselor, etc. Now that I feel like we are on the right track, i have to set a time limit. This time I only gave it 3 months.. not to get better but to start to get better — to start managing and changing his lifestyle to do that. For over a year it was me reading and getting educated while he still did all the same things – leaving us in a complete rollercoaster. Am I being unfair or unrealistic to only give through the end of the year to start seeing him make the effort? Any advise is appreciated.
Hey DAVE,
You are right it is a waiting game. my daughter is 9 now and im having a terrible time with her of getting her to school doing school work getting along with others making friends non stop eatting always crying saying non one likes she fats they make fun of her when she dose play with friends she have them gone in 20 min cause is being hateful but in her eyes she aint.she cant play with a group of them at a time it can only be 1 on 1 and she is bipolar and its hard for her to slow her mind down to get her school work done a 20 min class will take her 3 hours to do cant keep her focus for nothing.and the school has done every thing but kick her out she has stayed over and done class work set in on recess and hwe work she will head to the office at 8;30 in the morning and just set there and do nothing i need all the help i can get pointers i can take im open for anything i would love your book but im on a fixed income and dont have the extra at this time to get it.im running on a short fuse. she dose take meds.
Hi, oh how I laugh when I read all these posts. Its all the same. Different but the same with everyone. My boyfriend has bipolar. He came off the meds a year ago and was actually ok, up till now. Spring is in the air, work pressure is on and he is manic. He is in denial. He is aggressive. He is selfish. He is full of himself with no reguard for anyone else. And yes he is BIPLOAR… Dave, you say you are my friend in your emails yet you want to charge me to help me. Dave you are not a friend, you are a capatalist, trying to make money off of desperate people. You make grandiouse claims.. Dave are you bipolar? Did you inherit this from your mother? Sorry to be so blunt, but you are worse than all the manic bipolar people out there. If you truly cared dave you would publish all your so called support information for free. Just to help others dealing with this. But you dont, you want to take advantage of us. You are disgusting Dave. I am a mother of three, a full time student and am trying to live with a bipolar person who is dragging me and my kids down. I cant afford your books, I have to feed and educate my kids. I cant help my boyfriend as you are too expensive. Disgusting Dave… If you really want to help, do so without a charge. You might even make a difference in this world Dave!!! I council, I teach, I dont charge people Dave. JC didt charge Dave. So if you truly cared, why do you? You wont respond i know, its ok.. I dont want any more bipolar anything anyway… My best advise for people dealing with biploar people, run away as fast as you can. If its a child or parent find someone who can help you cope , Dave will just exploit you your emotions your vulnerability, Run from Dave