Hi,
How’s it going for you today?
I hope everything is well.
I got the following email that I wanted to share with you:
“My wife has bipolar disorder, and
we fight a lot of the time, because
she says I don’t listen to her. Or
because the house isn’t clean and
I’m not helping. Or that I don’t know
how she feels or what she’s going
through. Or just that I’m not
a good supporter. How do I defend
myself against these things? –Dale”
Well, the first thing I would tell Dale is that I am not a family counselor or any type of therapist
or professional, so I can only give my opinion.
But it does sound like there might be something to this.
Maybe part of it is his fault.
One of these things is a common complaint from people that have bipolar disorder:
“You don’t how I feel or what I’m going through.”
Dale asks how to defend himself against this. He can’t.
There is no defense toward that type of comment.
Since we don’t have bipolar disorder, there is no way for us to know how they feel or what they’re going through.
That’s true, but we can still be sympathetic and understanding of what they are going through
without having to experience it for ourselves.
Maybe this guy’s wife just doesn’t feel his compassion and under-standing enough.
When I talk about this in my courses/systems, I advise you that you need to be unconditional in
your support – sometimes your loved one is going to say things you don’t like, but you need to
accept them.
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Many complaints that your loved one will have about you and/or the situation can be blamed on their bipolar disorder itself.
They will not always have rational thoughts.
But, let’s look at Dale’s email again to see if his wife maybe has a point, because you may be going through the same thing with your loved one.
He starts off by saying that they fight all the time because she says that he doesn’t listen to her.
He thinks he does, obviously, or he wouldn’t fight about it.
First of all, have you ever fought with your loved one?
Of course you have.
Even couples where one of them does not have bipolar disorder fight sometimes.
But have you ever WON a fight with your loved one?
Probably not.
Because their impression of the situation is going to be the opposite of yours.
So let’s see if Dale has any defense.
Hmmm…
Do you think he does?
Because you have probably been accused of the same thing.
This is a common complaint for people who have bipolar disorder.
My opinion would be that instead of fighting about it (and getting nowhere), he should examine his wife’s complaint to see if there is any truth to it.
It’s easy to assume that you’re being a good listener, but your loved one may not see you as one.
Your body language may give you away, for example – like rolling your eyes if she starts complaining, or crossing your arms when she starts talking.
You need to try to actively listen instead of react.
What this all boils down to is good communication.
And, instead of being defensive about it, I think this man should take a good hard look at how he’s communicating with his wife.
For example, he says she complains that he doesn’t help with the house.
What she’s really saying is that she doesn’t feel as if he’s supporting her in that area.
In that case, the situation is easily resolved if he would just start helping her around the house more.
Incorrect perceptions of what your loved one is really saying can keep you from being an effective supporter.
Try to put yourself in their shoes.
Also, listen to what they are NOT saying as much as what they ARE saying.
What would you tell Dale?
Are you dealing with the same type of complaints from your loved one?
Post responses below
I read this thoughtful message from David and feel that it is much like the bipolar people that i have ever dealt with. Although listening is great, it will never be enough until the bipolar person has had a chance to fully exhaust themselves and by then it has made you both feel physically ill and very stressed. What has to happen for there to be a constructive situation includes what David is saying but must 1st be a part of a larger solution that also includes the bipolar persons increased self-awareness and learning to listen ‘to themselves’ so to speak. This IS key!
If a Mate has asthma, then a loving spouse would take care not to put their Mate in a position to be around ‘triggers’ so that their loved one could not suffer.
Speaking as a bipolar person who spent many years with a mate who did not understand my condtion and actually exhaserbated it, by yelling and not treating me tenderly, and who by the way is now my ‘ex’ I have to state that a Bipolar person needs ALOT of love, and We have Alot of Love to give.
This sounded eerily familiar to me, almost identical to my wife’s typical complaints.
Your suggestion about simply doing more of the housework gives me trouble because I feel that I am doing my share and not being recognized for it and because it seems each time I do more the bar just gets rased and she finds something new to be angry about the next time. No real progress has been made and I feel like I have to draw a line somewhere even though, like Dale, I will be accused of not listening and not supporting. Any other suggestions??
Everyone deserves the right to have their feelings valadated right or wrong. They should be able to express their feelings without being dismissed quickly becuase they are bipolar. They should not have to give up your rights to feelings and opinions due to this disorder.
Dear Dave , your emails are always a help.
One of the hardest things I’ve had to learn as a supporter of a daughter with BP is the art of listening.I have ( in the past) got into the habit of only half listening to Rachel when she seems to be complaining about something( I don’t fully engaged because in my head Ivé basically thought “She’s going on about nothing”)this particular day Rachel said she was anxious and concerned because she whilst in a conversation with an old family member she felt a sort of a frission up her back – she immediately associated this feeling with her manic episode and was she heading for another one?- I brushed it off by saying its nothing don’t worry about it and left it at that-later when I was doing some cleaning chores I began mulling over this conversation – and having thought about it I realised she was talking about her anxiety not the conversation with the old man – so I immediately went back to Rachel and engaged her in an explanation her conversation with me : it turns out that she had been worried about a lot of little things seemingly unrelated but together made her increasingly unsettled and anxious. I thanked her for sharing her thoughts with me and apologised for being inattentive and if she felt her increasing anxiety was a concern did she need to see her counsellor for support for what it was worth most people fell anxious about things they can’t change or when they were in unfamiliar areas.
Anyway Dave all I know is Bipolar is a day to day business of keeping well for my daughter , and yes wevé as a family had to change a lot of the way we do things – but it’s all good – I have learnt so much about myself as a process of being a supporter to my daughter she has taught me so much about myself my daughter is a treasure I love her dearly Rachel has been stable now for 6 months
regards
Shona
Sure, there will be fights. But at what point does the person w/ bipolar become accountable? I have carefully considered my spoken & unspoken body language to be clear & thoughful, and supportive. Yet I’m constantly told I’m wrong or creating chaos.What responsibility does the bipolar person have to take for their hurtful words & actions?
i also live in this same kind of situation where i simple can not understand what it is my husband is seeing, hearing,or understanding… an to talk about anything i might “feel” well do not go there for he simple does not care..they do not feel..he reacts an defers the feeling into blame of something. the very word feeling is totally unknown in the house now. even when i say ok i am the bad one what is it i need to do..he says an i do an still it is not good enough. there is always something more, always. rational thinking is none existent in most matters after he has spent $1000.00’s an i do mean that ! then the fight’s. i try to fix by telling those owed money we will pay whatever an that never does happen there is just not enough coming in to do so. BUT to talk about this behavior..well i am the bad ##**. an i have never ever made the huge debt !!!! but i get punished he blames an with draws an has other woman….an then he says “get over it shit happens” when you said look at my behavior david this is exactly all i ever do…but the same shit happens over an over an as my hubby says we always have the same fights….DAAAA!!!!!!!!
Two issues I have seen are these situations.1. The argument is really framed on 1. a guilt complex of the aggressor. 2. an highly out of proportion view due to the bi-polar disease. This is a constant issue with my wife. Everytime she feels inadaquate in a task or area she attacks. This is because she can’t address the chores that she should be doing. The issue is then out of control due to the episode nature of the disease.
I alway hug her or try so that she knows it is ok….
What the bipolar survivor is probably TRYING to say – but, either they’re not able to, or they don’t recognize the backstory – is, “I’m mad as Hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.” Ever feel THAT way?? Of course you have. But they’re trying so hard NOT to get angry with their Supporter about something that’s REALLY bothering them, that they just don’t express it that way. Harboring feelings of anger, worthlessness, anxiety, etc., can often exhibit itself in “fighting”
about an unrelated incident.
AND, folks, LISTEN…I repeat, REALLY listen to your loved one’s concerns. At times, in an episode, they may not make a lot of sense, but you can ferret out the kernal of truth in what they’re trying to tell you. As Dave said, watch your “body language” when dealing with your loved one. We are highly attuned to nuances and underlying annoyance, so be careful how you project yourself. You may not win an argument with your bipolar loved one, but at least you’ll KNOW what they’re upset about.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
DAVE, I may be experiencing something right now what you mentioned in previous emails. “When someone with bipolar is not well they hurt the one they love the most.” I hope that’s all it is and that it will pass. I have always done my best to be a good supporter to my boyfriend and usually he appreciates it. Since he has gone off sex on zyprexa he prefers the company of his ex to mine and doesn’t realise that she manipulates him instead of supporting him. When he says he wants space I give him that, but as soon as I give him space she invades it! Last week everything looked like it was very slowly improving. One day he phoned me 3 times. He didn’t ask me over, but chatted pleasantly. When I saw him he was affectionate towards me. Now he is distant again and when I called him today he said something quite hurtful. I’m trynig to tell myself that it’s just the bipolar talking. With her influence and the drink he could be heading for another episode. All I can do is hope and pray for him.
.
JUDITH, I know what you’re saying. Sometimes bipolar is very difficult to understand. Like you, my boyfriend used to give a lot of love and I gave him a lot in return. Love is what kept us going and got us through a lot of bad things. He still needs a lot of love, though right now he does not want it.
what about accountability?
I’ve had bipolar all my life, the older I get the worse I get. I’ve been on all different kinds of meds and the doc still can’t find the rite combination fer my system to handle, I can’t go to social meetings cause of a social disorder, I can’t be around a lot of people, I freak out. yes I’m in debt but I’m the one that caused it. I’ve distant myself from the living humans and turned to the wild animals fer company and those who have past away, I prefer the company of a dark graveyard over the human race. I’ve got many disorders but bipolar tops the list. so until I can tolerate being around people again I’ll stay in my own world. my human family don’t want anything to do with me cause of the bipolar disorder, I’ll just keep my wild animals, as far as I’m concerned they are my family now.
Dave do you know if a person is bp. can they can down with althemizers I am just woondering my husband is bp and his mother has althemizer. Beacause I read the story about Dale and his wife and you say not to argey with them it sould to me just like althemizer are could it be in the family. I would like to know
thanks pat
To PAT: Yes, it IS possible for a person with bipolar to also get Alzheimer’s. A bipolar friend of mine got Alzheimer’s about the age of 70, and she died from complications. Also, my own Mom and her two sisters came down with Alzheimer’s, so it COULD be hereditary. Be sure your husband is TESTED for Alzheimer’s, because there are drug therapies now that can help with the symptoms. Good luck to you, and I will keep you in my prayers.
My 16 year old son is bipolar and has had no luck with a combination of meds from his doctor. He says he feels better using marijuana daily to help stabilize his mood. He feels the adderal helps him focus at school. What can I do?
Here’s something my husband and I learned at couples counselling before I was diagnosed with BP. First, we thought we had very good communication skills and we rarely argued about anythying, but we agreed to practise this technique anyway. It’s called something like “Reflecting Back”. 1. One person (let’s say the person with BP) starts to talk about something (even as simple as answering the question How was your day today?). The second person (the Supporter) has to wait until the BP one is completely finished what he/she is saying (if your not sure when the person is finished simply ask Are you done? Is it time for me to respond?). 2. This is when the Supporter DOES NOT start giving his/her opinion/response. It IS when the Supporter tells the BP person, in the Supporter’s own words, what he/she (the Supporter) THINKS the BP person was trying to say. 3. When the Supporter says he/she is done speaking, only then can the BP person speak and either CONFIRM that the Supporter has understood what the BP person is trying to get across, or say it is INCORRECT and starts the three step process over again, trying to clearly make his/her point. When they are BOTH satisfied that they BOTH know what it is that they’re talking about, then the roles are reversed: 1. The Supporter gets to have his/her say. 2. The BP person confirms in his/her own words what the Supporter is trying to tell him/her. 3. The Supporter is either satified that he/she has been correctly understood, or tries again to clearly make his/her point. When BOTH are satisfied, then the roles can be reversed again, and so on.
PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT. Don’t wait until there are heated issues to be discussed. Start by practising with something really simple. For example, a pencil crayon. The first person keeps it out of sight and describes in every way possible without saying the words “pencil” or “crayon”, and the second person tries to figure out what the object is. My husband and I found this to be fun and funny, and we soon realized that we were not the great communicators we thought we were. This technique really helped us out and from time to time over the years we go right back to the basics again when one or the other of us or both decided we’re just not communication as well as we could be.
ONE OTHER POINT: Generally, men like to solve problems Whereas women just want to be heard and have some empathy from the other person. So if your wife says the kids have been driving her nuts all day and she has a splitting headache, she’s probably not looking for you to lock the kids out of the house and give her some Tylenol. Maybe all she wants is for you to acknowledge that it must be hard some days to be trapped in the house with the kids when it seems like she gives and gives and they just take and take.
Hope this helps.
Helen
Dave is a crook. I signed up for the free e-mail message of the day, NOTHING ELSE. Now they are charging me $29.95 for something I did NOT authorize and they are not returning my call nor is it possible to speak to a live person on the phone.