Hi,
When you’re a supporter of a loved one with bipolar disorder, you have to deal with many emotions. Sometimes some of these emotions are even negative emotions. You may be dealing with fear. You may be dealing with unhappiness, or even depression. You may be dealing with disillusionment. You may be dealing with frustration. You may be dealing with despair. You may be dealing with hopelessness. You may be dealing with helplessness. You may be dealing with anger. You may be dealing with poor self-esteem. You may be dealing with hurt. And you may be dealing with resentment. These are just some of the negative emotions you may be dealing with.
But let’s go back for a minute. I want to talk about one particular emotion here: RESENTMENT.
Webster’s dictionary defines resentment as: “a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill
will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury.” Does that describe how you feel? Has your loved one done you a wrong, insult, or injury? Maybe they did something in their last bipolar episode, and you are resenting them for it. You may not have even realized how you felt.
But now that I am bringing it to the forefront…You realize that I’m telling the truth. If so, you need to confront it. You cannot go on resenting your loved one for something they did during a bipolar episode.
For one thing…You may be resenting them for something they don’t even know they did! They may have no memory at all of the event, while you do. That’s very common when you’re dealing with bipolar disorder. So the first thing you need to do is to talk to them about it. You need to tell them how you feel. You need to tell them what happened. And then tell them how they hurt you.
Give them a chance to make it right. Chances are, they’ll apologize right away. Because they probably didn’t do it on purpose or to hurt you. Like I said, they are probably not even aware of
what they did. And are probably not even aware that you resent them for it. Although they may know that something is wrong, and want to make it right. Give them that chance. Believe it or not…It will make you feel better than it will make your loved one feel.
Because carrying around resentment can make you sick. It can cause you to get stressed out.
And stress can lead to all sorts of things. It can cause you to get physically sick. It can cause headaches, body aches, stomach aches…And at worse can even cause heart attacks or
strokes. So you really need to get rid of your resentment. And the biggest way is to forgive your loved one. Can you do that?
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below.
I was this close to dealing with all those things you just mentioned but 630 on the nose, My situation completely changed “opposite” to all those things. Thanks to today’s message!! What a miracle!
someone must have prayed for me and my current situation.
May you always have nice weekends, David
Quite properly you recommend letting go of resentments toward loved ones. MESH, WRAP and all recommended MH training advise the same, for all the reasons you state; bipolar & schizophrenic sufferers often have no recall of their own undesirable or hurtful words & actions.
We carers of loved ones with MH issues know the cycle well; we are revered, needed, respected, essential today yet reviled, rejected, blamed,sworn at tomorrow. We understand that because our loved ones have zero control of their moods, perceptions, reactions …we must exert ultimate control over our own.
Well…99% of the time that works. Problem is, we are human too. I speak to a lot of other people with a diagnosed sufferer in their family. We all agree that after riding the rollercoaster for 5, 10, 15, 20 years there are occasions where it is impossible to just let the hurtful comments go over your head! We cannot contain our reactions ad infinitum.
And do you know what? That’s fine. Regardless of illness, sufferers vary in character and some behaviours are unacceptable and it is absolutely reasonable to set boundaries even mid-episode. Your loved one might not remember later but they will know there are limits.
I know sufferers who might be at the peak of a terrifying episode yet who would never be rude or hurtful. It is against their character, even with their nearest family & friends. No matter how much they are suffering they accept that it is no ones fault.
Other sufferers are ready to blame those closest to them..to vite the hand that feeds and poo in their own nest. When my loved one had his.first episode at 15 and more up to young adulthood I took the professional advice seriously..I forgave & forgot. The meds so clouded his personality I saw little development into maturity and each episode reinforced that impression.
My loved one has stayed at age 15 emotionally. Development is commonly inhibited by the illness combined with the effects of street & legal meds. So the behaviours displayed an episode are a mix of intelligent observation and blameful rejection; the same behaviours acted out by many a male teenager.
At 30 or any age that is inappropriate. Unfortunately if I confront that negative behaviour/words either during or after an episode the result is always that I am banished; that means he loses my support until he needs me or wants something. Therefore I avoid criticising the negative behaviours.
My experience is typical of so many carers of so many sufferers. We must separate our long-suffering
Oops sorry I sent that email too soon.
I meant to say:-
We must separate our own long-suffering understanding forgiveness for the effects of bipolar disorder from our knowledge of the character & personality of our loved ones. If your loved one consistently blames, rejects, disses you yet still expects your unconditional support ..ask ypurself…would you accept this from anyone else? Which part of the undesirable words/actions are explained by illness & which by character?
The younger the first psychotic episode occurs the less likely the sufferer is to mature emotionally. Combined with first age of use of strong weed, e’s & other illegals and alcohol, emotional development might stagnate. With a few clear years there might be some progress. Either way your lived one will stand little chance of establishing or maintaining an intimate partnership of their own, or of taking responsibility for their own actions, if they treat their family badly. So in setting boundaries you are empowering them rather than repeatedly enabling bad behaviour by forgiving it. Underneath the illness your loved one is still in need of guidance.
So as carers its ok to balance our tolerance & forgiveness with boundary-setting. If we don’t then we run the risk of being utterly ground down, demoralised, depressed; show me a carer who does NOT take anti-depressants!
And do vent occasionally. We all have our own qays of coping; if you can’t get a break you run the risk of sinking..or ptsd..then you’re of no.help at all. I go to the beach when the tide is a long way out and yell into the wind & waves. If that isn’t possible I write out my feelings then destroy it. Brilliant!
Ta for listening. Chin up all those of you who are care for and about a loved one. It took me 15 years to value myself, being constantly devalued by my lived one and by other family and by a society which is still primitive enough to stigmatise the parents of MH sufferers. If theyonly knew what we do they would be the better for it…Onward & Upward
Like all fans, we must accept boundaries that the ones we love set for us. Not all things are meant to be a “shared” experience sort of like a Fan to a Celeb or even a Romantic Neighbor to another.
yes it’s nice to want to always be there to fulfill all those needs but sometimes when we get too close, we are the problem dressed up to them. I have something new to think about now.
I am preparing for a relatives wedding so I am very excited about the wear, makeup, and food but I’ll keep your blog in mind for these situations should they ever creep up. Another relative is now on a diet, I’d like to wish her alot of luck with that one with such good food around.
guess it was good to Have an actual support system as a Fan!
wow, You are From God, right? is what I say