Bipolar: Supporting Someone in an Episode

David Oliver Uncategorized

Hi,

I had a man write to me, and I wanted to share his comments with you: “What do you do when you are all that and because of their condition they decide they don’t need you anymore? My wife is Bipolar ( we think) she went to a psydoc this week and the doctor said there was nothing wrong with her. She could not describe her symptoms very well (at times she is delusional and has no idea what she has said or done) My wife is 8 weeks pregnant and has been gone for a week now and of course blames me for everything and now can’t decide whether she wants to be with me or not (says she loves me and does not want to be with anyone else but has cheated on me in the past) what do you do???? I am there for my wife whom I love dearly but how do you help someone that does not have an official diagnosis and does not want your help because they are manic???? what do you do???”

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Wow. I truly sympathize with this man, don’t you? What an awful place to be in if you’re a supporter. Well, first of all, like I always have to say, I’m not a medical or mental health professional, so I can’t give any kind of professional advice in that way. I can only speak from experience and from all the thousands of emails and posts on my blog and all the other supporters who have contacted me and who I’ve talked to. When someone has bipolar disorder and they are in an episode, they are not in their right mind. So this man’s wife just up and deciding she doesn’t need him anymore is a sign of that.

But many people with bipolar disorder are also good at manipulating other people, like doctors, psychiatrists, and therapists. They can also be in denial. Especially in a manic episode, when they are so “high,” and feeling so good, that they really do not believe that anything is wrong with them. They can even act as if there is nothing wrong with them, and that’s how they can “fool” the doctors into not diagnosing their bipolar disorder, like this man’s wife did.

Unfortunately, many doctors will miss the diagnosis for this very reason. It’s easy to see depressive behavior, because it’s pretty much hard to hide, so a diagnosis is pretty easy to make.

But a manic episode is different, and that’s what this man is describing.

Many times someone in a manic episode cannot describe their symptoms because they just don’t know them very well, so the fact that she couldn’t describe them to the doctor very well either may not be just because she was delusional, but because she was just not aware of the symptoms of mania. He also could be right about her not having any idea about what she says or does. This is a big part of a manic episode.

There are several problems he describes in his post, some of which I can address, and some of which I can’t. Like the fact that she is 8 weeks pregnant. That really concerns me, but I am not a doctor. I would urge him to get her to a doctor, though, because this could be very dangerous both to his wife and to the baby. As far as her blaming him for everything, that is also typical manic behavior, and part of the irrational and delusional thinking I talked about earlier. He says, “She has cheated on me in the past…” and that is also part of manic behavior. One of the signs of a manic episode is risky sexual behavior. This can include affairs, no matter how loyal the spouse has been in the past.

Now, comes the hard part. Two questions: How do you get someone diagnosed? And how do you help someone who doesn’t want to be helped because they are manic? As far as getting someone diagnosed while they are in an episode, you have to find a good doctor, or get them to a hospital, while they are acting out and the symptoms are obvious, so they can’t manipulate or “fool” the doctor. As far as the other question, it’s a little more complicated. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. The best you can do is try to get them to see that they do need help. If you can’t do that, you are going to have to consider involuntary hospitalization, where you will have to hospitalize them against their will. And that’s not easy.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

 

Dave

 

  2. Dave,
    Today’s posting really triggered a ton of Supporter, Loved One, Betrayed Spouse Flashbacks for me. I wanted to comment because I too was cheated on more than once, my wife’s Disease was missed for about 15 years even as we went for counseling together a few times, and she was even mis-diagnosed with episodic Unipolar Depression (isn’t that cycling none the less, right?) and mistreated for it with SSRI’, SNRI’s for a very long time, probably contributing to her last per diagnosis episode of epic proportions to being a very rapid cycling irriated type. Worse yet without the proper diagnosis I half fell for those lies of hers and her disease pushing so much of the blame upon myself. I was so confused and turned inside out by the time I learned and figured out, proved to the pros and my wife that she was indeed the sick one, no less that she was once again cheating too, the “Gaslighting” nearly drove me to loose my own mind. In the end the Diagnosis and the Truth, the Cleansing Truth probably saved us both.

    So we supporters, loved ones have to beware of not losing ourselves and our own sanity in their delusional world. Almost four years later and it still brings up these very viseral, painful memories in an ala PTSD like way. I would suggest that any spouse, loved one who has been over exposed to such things, and got too sucked into it all, make sure you get yourself checked out as well. We too suffer greatly through these painful and confusing episodes. And until we finally “See that Man Behind the Curtain” many times we can almost be turned inside out by it all, lose ourselves in all the Kaos it creates.

    Lastly, for me in the end the multiple betrayals and loss of self and self image, PTSD from it all was the hardest part for me to recover from and as you can see I’m still sort of working on some of that, although I am getting better and starting to make a turn I believe.

    But with that being said I wanted share if you would allow with those who are suffering from the betrayal and cheating part heavily a Great Resource that might offer them both insight and support. There is a great support group that is International in Scope, with local groups in many nations and on almost every part of the globe known as BAN, Beyond Affairs Network. You can go to their website and make use of the many resources, great articles there and even search for a local support group, chapter in your area to attend in person support meetings. Here is a link to the Parent Orgs main website and home page.

    http://www.beyondaffairs.com/index.htm

    I know as I have lived it and today I share the duties as a volunteer Coordinator with another founding member of our local chapter in the Syracuse NY, Central NY region. If you would allow me to share the link to our local group for anyone who would like to find support as a betrayed spouse is as follows:

    http://www.meetup.com/BAN-Syracuse/

    If you are not a member of Meet-Up create a free account and then use the proper system to request membership and I should reply within a few days as I try to check in on the group. You might want to create an account with a partical name and few personal details for support groups like ours and a more personal full one for normal social and activities groups.

    Folks, this stuff is all too real and it really happens to so many otherwise could be solid marriages. Not ever Bipolar Person or Marriage can be saved, nor are ALL those that cheat Mentally Ill in the proper clinical definition, although almost all of them do seem to behave in a similar irrational, rejecting hurtful, caution to the wind kind of fashion, so go know…

    Lastly, Dave gave a great peice of advice in an old article (title alludes me know) basically about “What to do when your Bipolar, Manic Spouse Asks for or files for Divorce?” Basically his Anwer was NOTHING in terms of moving forward and quickly with the divorce, slow it down, get it off the table, unless it takes on a life of its own that you can’t slow it down and you have to look out for yourself. My wife way before I finally had our “D-Day”, day of discovery, outing the affair to my own satisfaction that it was for certain and real; she too tried to get me to the divorce court and even had our Marriage Counselor Convinced that getting Divorced was the right thing to do, and that she was attempting to get me to cooperate with calmly, quietly, cooperatively destroying, breaking up our marriage. But in part I used Dave’s Article as proof of why I am not, and that I refuse to Cooperate with the destruction of my family, our family and marriage. And BTW, there are similar recommendations from BAN that say likewise, slow down, don’t make an hasty choices because right after D-Day most of us are in Shock and are not properly connected with ourselves to make sound Huge Choices for a good while, it is a time to stop and slow down, heal and think. Later on if and when you feel like you are half your old self again and know what is best for you and yours, if you want, you can always file for that divorce later on. But don’t make any big life changing impacting choices early on in your recovery from the betrayal and it’s impact upon you.

    Dave, it’s weird but I guess I should say thank-you for triggering my memories and flashbacks and for your deep, proper perspective on this life impacting, even threatening disease. Between your stuff for the Bipolar and BAN’s for the Betrayal pain and trauma it gave me many of the tools I needed for both myself and my wife. Thanks for continuing your great and needed work here at Bipolar News and thanks for being there for me, for US in my, our darkest hours.

    Paul

  4. Where have I heard that???????

    hmmmmm – I was told there was no perfect man until I actually met one!!!!!! one small detail – once you get past through it should be smooth sailing – turns out the Perfect Man that I’ve met actually was a Woman! lol!

    Cleared the way of life so smoothly for me that any man that came into my life actually stayed! that’s a first in 4 years!

    parted the Red Sea in turns of transferring a stuck situation to now a place of nothing but possibilities

    Helped me get in touch with my inner child in a way that none other could possibly have

    and last but not least the best conversation I could ask for i am a happy BROTHER IN BROOKLYN AND ALL THIS TIME INSTEAD OF LIVING VICARIOUSLY THROUGH OTHER PEOPLE’S EXISTENCE I OPTED TO SPEAK TO THE PERFECT MAN – MY OWN SISTER – SHE IS JUST AS CONTENT AS I AM!!!’

    I ACTUALLY LOVE COMING HOME AS ONLY MY GIRLFRIEND IS THERE AND MY SISTER’S TWO CHILDREN KEEP HER ON HER TOES –

    ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS – NO CONFLICT WITH THIS SISTER AND BROTHER TEAM

    WE LOVE EACH OTHER’S SUPPORT SYSTEM

    THE ONE WORD THAT DOES IT FOR ME COMING FROM THE RIGHT PERSON NEXT TO MY SISTER – THE ONE I LOVE (100 PERCENT) YES!!!!

    AM I BEING ALL THAT I WAS CREATED TO BE? OF COURSE!!!!

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