Hi, how are you today? I hope you’re doing ok.
I recently heard a story about a woman whose husband was an alcoholic. And she was frustrated (and all sorts of other negative feelings) because of it. The biggest thing she felt, though, was anger and resentment toward him because she had to keep “covering up” for his behavior. He would do something when he was drunk, and she would have to “bail” him out of it.
In fact, one time she actually did. She had to bail him out of jail after he got a DUI – drinking and driving. But she would constantly make excuses for his behavior. If he was hungover and couldn’t go into work that day, she would call his boss and make up some excuse for him. If he was drunk at a family gathering or something, her “cover up” (excuse) wasusually that he was “just tired.” She even made excuses to herself, to justify her husband’s behavior.
“He’s just been stressed out,” she would think.
She was even afraid that she might have something to with the reason why he drank, so she made more excuses. He squandered away so much money on a gambling spree when he was drunk one time, that his wife had had enough.
She stopped covering up for him, and she wouldn’t even stand for his own excuse for it. It had gotten to the point where she told him he needed to take responsibility for his own actions and the consequences of those actions.
For example, she told him that if he ever got arrested for drunk driving again, that she would NOT bail him out. In other words, she set a boundary. Now she just has to stick with it – if it does, indeed , happen, she can NOT bail him out of jail, even if she wants to, or else he will
keep repeating the bad behavior.
Well, eventually things got worse, and she stopped covering up for him at work, so he lost his job. Their relationship suffered so greatly that even her self-excuse that maybe she had something to do with his drinking didn’t hold water for her anymore.
She tried to get him to take responsibility for himself and to go get help, but he refused.
Finally, this woman left her husband.
But you might be asking what this story about the alcoholic has to do with bipolar disorder. Or else you’ve seen the parallel between this woman’s story and your own.
When someone with bipolar disorder is unstable, they can act just like this alcoholic man. They can go into a manic episode and do all sorts of things, leaving you to clean up the mess behind them. You better not do this!
If you keep making excuses for your loved one’s bipolar behavior, you may end up like the woman in the story. Your loved one needs to learn to take responsibility for themselves, their
actions (in or out of an episode), and the consequences of those actions.
What if your loved one gets arrested during a manic episode (for speeding, or shoplifting). what would you do? The first time, bail them out, probably. But what if it happens again? It would be just like the wife of the alcoholic.
Sometimes, the only way your loved one will take responsibility is if you make them. If you are not there to bail them out. If you stop making excuses (or covering up) for them. If you set boundaries and limits, and stick to them. If you make them pay their own consequences.
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
Dear David I am the Bi Polar in my family and as I am the first to agree that we all have consequences you talk as if a person who is with someone that is pipolAR IS a victim of circumstance I dont feel you are helping but scaring and this may be an episode but we dont need people like you that think they know what its like to have this let me stick you behind bars see how you will feel if someone you love leaves you there same thing we are still humans
WHAT’S EVEN SADDER THAN ALCOHOL AND BIPOLAR – A FORCED SITUATION – DIDN’T GET THAT RIGHT
IS A PERSON TAKING ON SOMEONE ELSE’S SITUATION THAT WASN’T EVEN THEIRS ….THEY ASSUME SOMEONE ELSE’S IDENTITY, CLEAN UP AFTER THE PERSON’S HISTORICAL DEMONS AND IT LEAVES THEM COMPLETELY DEPLETED. IT’S A VICIOUS CYCLE BUT WITH THE RIGHT SUPPORT SYSTEM – THE RIGHT INFLUENCES, FRIENDS, FAMILY AND THE VERY BEST THAT HAVE SHOWN UP “SECRET ADMIRERS” ONE CAN BE LED BACK ON THE PEACEFUL PATH FROM WHICH THEY “ORIGINATED”
FROM SOMEONE WHO SHOULD KNOW
Hi David,
Right on with what we call “enabling”. Lost a lot of
sleep over this one when I understood its meaning.
How could I possibly have done it all my life, because
my parents and siblings are alcoholics. So someone in
that circle has to “enable” to keep from rocking the
boat or a certain lifestyle going. Yet no one “enabled”
my bipolar condition. Well, with time the boat sank and
I learned, me the Rescuer of all, I could only rescue
myself. All the love in the world could not rescue them. They have to want it enough to help themselves.
We cannot do it for them. With family members it is THE
MOST difficult concept to grasp and enforce. And most
probably the only one that really works. Stick around
will you, WE ALL need your re-assuring suppport. THANKS!
who cares
I can totally relate to this article. I have been in both worlds..that of the spouse of an alcoholic (I also had an alcoholic step father)..and now, caring for my older disabled brother who is bipolar. I refuse to enable him. (I learned the hard way). Unfortunately, I am “the bad guy” here as my spouse does enable him and his behavior. If you are in a similar position, do not enable the person with this “problem”, make them take responsibility for their actions or they never will learn. My sibling blames mom, me and everyone else. He has never learned and refuses to learn. You do not have to live with it.
i did make too many excuses for my son and then would try to make him take responsibity. It doesnt work. He depends on me for everything and then shuts me out. I always blame the bipolar so now that makes it an easy out for him too. WRONG thing to do. Once we have done it wrong for so long its hard to get it right most of the time. Lot of hard work.
Send my booklet; already paid for!
Unfortunately I can relate to being an “enabler” to my husbands thieving episodes. The only thing that differs in our stories is the fact that I actually have been diagnosed with BP and have been receiving SS Disability, and he’s only seen a Dr. as part of our marriage counseling appointments. He ended up stealing my medication when I was asleep. During 1 of the sessions we had, there WAS mention that he may have the characteristics of a sociopath. Yeah, you don’t say huh? My husband, is, instead of an alcoholic, he turned out to be an IV METHamphetamine junkie. I was also diagnosed with PTSD along with Social Anxiety Disorder (panic attacks), but I stayed married for 6 years. We have been separated for almost 3 months…but I am done with him and he seemed almost like a prisoner set free when he packed. The lesson I have learned is this…(after convincing myself that it was my paranoia and abuse causing me to view it like that) It’s best to set YOURSELF free before the “excuses” rob what life there is left to live. Some people just really don’t want help! It is less stressful for an addict if they have someone to feel sorry for them and explain their behaviors away. I just turned 35 this year and realized that I wasted all of those years for nothing. I thought I was being helpful because I could sympathize with not knowing why I, myself,do and say bizarre things & being impulsive etc. In the end I ended up depressed and alone and he’s been seen around, smiling and seemingly unaffected. You have to take care of yourself 1st, if he sheds his dependency, that’s awesome! If he doesn’t though, are you willing to be unhappy from here on in? I found that love isn’t worth reviving if it slowly kills me in the process. I am far from depressed now, everyday I feel lighter because I only have to deal with MY own battles…pray about it, it’s never easy to let someone you love go, but it will NOT kill you.
Dear Dave,
My name is Lynn and I’m a ‘real’ alcoholic, as defined in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I live w/Bipolar II one day @ a time, too. Alanon calls this behavior ‘ENABLING.’ Alanon uses the same 12 Steps, but we apply the concepts to OURSELVES, and try to carry the msg. to others. Thanks for letting me share.
Lynn
sawyer7952@yahoo.com
It is an easy trap to fall into. Thank you sharing this information I think we all need to remember this and keep refreshing on : this matter because it is very easy to slip into an enabler mode without really realizing.
Thanks again!
Just wanted to thank-you again for your support. All this time I thought my
venting would just be lost somewhere in cyber space. A bit of history,
Steve and I found each again other after 28 years, we dated in college! We’ve
been together for over 2 years. Early on in our relationship, I figured
something wasn’t right following a family gathering where he ‘lost it’. His
mother told me to let him go, stating there was something not quite right
with him. In hindsight, a lot of things make sense today, but when you’ve
think you’ve reconnect with the love of your life, clear thinking becomes
clouded.
It took several visits to hospitals, & numerous scans. Then I started
reading up more on bipolar disorder and have been receiving your e-mails for
years because I thought my son was bipolar, but could never find the right
medication for him, because he was epileptic (he’s seizure free & much much
better today)! So, you can see having dealt with this, I was determined to
help him (Steve)
I finally booked an appointment with a neurologist last summer. And with all
the reading I did, I was able to tell the Dr. what type of bipolar he was
experiencing. He put him on a new med that I read about on the internet and
for the life of me I can’t remember the name. Tried to find the bottle but
as luck would have it, can’t! Will get back to you with the name. He was
doing very well, but anything can trigger a depression, and then comes the
paranoia and delusional side. I have given up most friendships because when
he goes into mania, I get accused of wanting to be with other men!!! No
matter how much I assure him, he can’t get passed this thought. For example,
I was at a funeral home and didn’t answer my cell. He then called my sisters
cell, who happen to be outside of the funeral home so she answered her
phone. He then texted me, your sister answered her phone, I hope your
having fun at your party”!!!!!!!
When he’s like this, he can start destroying my clothing, ripping up cards,
and letters, brake phones ( once he micro waved it!!!!) so I can’t
communicate with people. He’s taken my car keys. I’ve now learned to sleep
with them hidden close by. But I’m running out of hiding places and I can
say I’m getting scared and my sons who have now witnessed it are afraid for
me. Like they say, no one has loved me like him, but I can’t keep living
like this. They are young men now, and I think, they all fear to leave me
alone. The names he has called me are beyond anything, I would ever put up
with from anyone, yet I know he has mental illness.
I don’t’ want to end up like Nichol Simpson. As, I’m typing this…I’m
realizing, if my family knew what I was living, they’d be here doing some
type of intervention and hauling me out of this relationship. What if
something happens to me, my family would be devastated, that I kept this
secret so well, along with my sons!
As I mentioned previously, when he’s like this, he self medicates with
alcohol, which amplifies the mania.
Gee, sorry for the long winded letter….I just needed to vent once
again, as this relationship has left me in financial ruins, because he’s
blown numerous pay checks when he’s like this and I’ve had to cover all
household expenses , car payments, credit cards etc. I had investments come
through for me last year, and I’ve used up every penny covering up for his
reckless behavior. All the while, I have no support from his family.
Although they thanked me so much for finding out what was wrong with him,
when I reach out….nothing. It’s like they’re happy he’s my problem, not
theirs!!!!
btw…the space between episodes is becoming close and closer, now it’s
almost once a month
Sandie
sczop@sympatico.ca
I have mixed feelings regarding this article and quite frankly this exact situation has been haunting me since the beginning. I have a teenage daughter who was diagnosed with BP when she was eight. She did well on meds until she started puberty and then she became manic often and has caused damage to our property as well as become violent. Being a minor in the state of New York all I can do is issue a court ticket for her and family court decides what to do. An alcoholic has the choice not to drink and therefore there should be consequences for their behavior but if a person is taking their meds and making visits to the psychiatrist and counselor as they are suppose to and they still have a manic episode how can you blame them for what they did? They have not chosen to be bipolar and my daughter has followed her treatment plan to a T..A matter of fact it was the Adderall they placed her on that made her so sick.