Hi, how’s it going? I hope you’re having a good day.
I got this response to one of my blog posts, and wanted to share it with you to get your comments on it.
Eric says:
“Hello,question for you,my wife has been diagnosed with bipolar, I suffer from extreme depression and anxity and fibromyalgia,How can I be an effective supporter to her when I have my own issues to deal with.I love my wife with all my heart,but she thinks i should be able to focus on her issues 24-7 when its hard enough for me to concentrate on just getting out of bed because i hurt so much and face a day i know is going to be hard, I would die for my wife but I just dont know what to do at this point any suggestions HELP!!!!!!!!!! Eric”
First of all, it makes things more difficult when both of you suffer from depression. Then, his physical condition complicates things even further. It sounds to me like he feels he can’t share his feelings with his wife, and might need to be reminded that she is not a mind-reader – she only knows what he tells her.
I know that may sound harsh and non-understanding, but think about it – She could be totally unaware of how he feels (physically and emotionally) if he doesn’t tell her. Too often, supporters of a loved one with bipolar disorder keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves and don’t share them with their loved one. This can lead to negative feelings on the part of the supporter,
because they just “stuff” their feelings, and when you do that, they will eventually overflow and
come out in some way, like getting angry and fighting. You need to share your feelings with your loved one in a way that they can understand.
Eric asks how he can be an effective supporter when he has his own issues to deal with. First of all, there is neither a simple nor an easy answer to that. I do commend him for wanting to be a good supporter in spite of what he is facing, though. But unless and until he learns to deal with his own problems, the truth is that he can’t be a good supporter to his wife and her problems. He just won’t have enough energy, both mentally and physically.
I’m always telling supporters to take care of themselves first, or they won’t be any good to their loved ones. This is true, but you still need to communicate well with them. You can’t expect them to understand what you don’t explain.
If you are feeling resentful, as it sounds like Eric is, you need to find a way to share this with your loved one, in a loving and non-threatening way. I’m sure Eric is a good supporter most of the time. But he could say to his wife something like, “I love you, but I’m afraid I can’t see to your needs right now because I’m dealing with my own.” And then share what he is going through, because she should be his supporter as well, and might just need a little direction.
What do you think? What would you say to this man?
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
i would tell “this man” it really isn’t what he doesn’t want it to be…..
could be worst — could be living in different states and going through the same disorder — WHEN LOVE IS ALL YOU HAVE – LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED…..
I totally agree with you David, also if he can’t talk to her the he needs to see a counselor for his own issues.
dear,eric,first of all give yourself a pat on the back for being one unselfish toward your wife and second having your own issues to deal with.but in your situation i feel perhaps you need to be a little selfish and what i mean by that is take care of you first then focus on your wife perhaps individual treatment by proffessionals and couple counseling would be helpful this way you both have insight into your individual needs and as a couple afterall if one is phisically not healthy then the marriage will become unhealthy.i wish you both the best and be well together.
YOU NEED TO HELP EACH OTHER OUT, AND KEEP TAKING YOUR MEDS. I SUFFER BIPOLAR DISORDER TOO. GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELF. MY HUSBAND AND FAMILY HELP A LITTLE. I LIKE TO HELP MYSELF.
Eric, I really feel for you. I have bipolar disorder & fibromyalgia. I know how horrible the pain & fatigue are as well as the endless depression. What I really, really encourage you to do is to keep trying, trying, trying to find medication to help your depression. I find I am able to cope with things (pain,etc.) SO MUCH BETTER when my depression is under control. I know how difficult it can be to find the correct medications, but it is worth every effort to keep trying different ones until you can find something that will work for you. As for your wife – yes, she does need to think more of you & what YOU are going thru. I know how self-centered a person with bipolar disorder can be. It is IMPERATIVE that they learn to think outside of themselves & realize there is a world of people out there who are suffering too. Perhaps she needs to explore further to find medication that is more effective for her as well. It has taken me 20+ years to find the best for me (mostly not being diagnosed correctly). Altho not perfect, I have found some relief. Please keep trying!!!
If your wife is on the correct medication and the correct amount of medication she could be very helpful to you. Set some guidelines and together create some goals that will help both of you. She may be depressed because she doesn’t feel she is needed. Telling her your feelings and about your pain will give her a place to start. Make sure you are getting the help you need from doctors and therapist. You may find you will have a new outlook about your situation. I don’t have statistics but from what I have observed supporters tend to help their partners when they are already frustrated with there living situation. Supporters often need just as much help as the person they are caring for.
Eric: Me, again. I do know that fibromyalgia flares up worse when you are under alot of stress & if you do not get the correct amount of sleep. I even find that taking a sleep medication is very important for me (not just for my fibromyalgia but definitely for my bipolar disorder as well). Hope my recommendations do not offend you or anyone else out there. Just speaking from experience…
I understand where Eric is coming from. I have Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis and heart problems and am the sole support for my partner who has Bipolar and severe anxiety disorder. I try every day to meet both our needs and there are days where I’m just to tired to attend to him so I tell him how I’m feeling and what I’m going thru at that time so he doesn’t feel that I’m just blowing off his issue. I completely agree that communication is key in that sort of situation. If it wasn’t for that, I would build up resentment when he’s going thru and episode and trying to push my buttons without realising he’s doing it. The best of luck to Eric and anyone else who goes thru this.
Just to add a side note to my above post…My partner doesn’t go to therapy and only takes his meds when he feels he needs to. I go to therapy every other week and group therapy weekly but can’t take meds due to how my body reacts to them. If it wasn’t for my going to my therapies, it would be harder than it is to handle this situation but as it is, I do pretty well.
Eric,
I believe you have to look after yourself first to be a good supporter~~Yes,agree should explain to your wife~~Well,for me my Hubby believes he comes first (bipolar)~~If I should get sick or need Dr’s attendation!!His reply,I’m milking it~~Really I just keep my feeling to myself~~Support him but days I feel,I’ve given my all~~~
Hi Eric, I feel as though you and your wife are very fortunate to have one another. Not everyone has a marriage so divine. As David said you do really need to let your wife know how you feel as well. And taking care of yourself is the key to all. I too have a BiPolar spouse. I too as you have depression based on being a supporter. I also had a liver resection Nov “09” with many illnesses following. My husband supported me through the surgery and recovery. But when I started to feel even a little better~ because of his Bipolar. He felt it was his turn to deliver bad things my way. So it’s realy up to us who dont have Bipolar to take a look at the full picture. Sometimes we think to ourselve is it even worth all the stress that they put on us. I have had to realy dig deep into my soul for that answer. What I’ve come up with is If I wasn’t a christian woman and payed attention to my vows with god. Well I would have left a long time ago. But, god doesn’t ask us to think about “In sickness and in health” He commands us, “In sickness and in health”. Bipolar people are very demanding on us and they do things for attention. That makes us supporters feel like they don’t love or care about us. But the truth is they love us more than they love themselves. I hope my input helps you and everything works out with your marriage. God Bless 🙂
I guess I should respond more often to your stories you share about others.
My wife of 76 years and I’m 75, she is suffering as a bipolar. She will not take medication, which I support.How can we get along then? I love her dearly and only the last years I have learned, that even though I can not very well share too much of what I suffer myself, as in her mind either she will call that complaining, and all to often exaggerates it far beyond what I really was saying, which is a little hard to deal with, so it is much easier to just not say anything if I don’t want to get into a scuffle about it.
What I have learned though is that she is very sensitive to how I treat her, either positive or negative. She senses it very keenly if I keep any kind of grudge against her, no matter how nice I try to cover it up. She likely knows deep down what could break my heart the way she will get at me, often with lies etc.
But what she learns to respect me for is when she treats me like a nobody. And I can still take it right deep down with no grudge at all, but rather as if she did not treat me anything negative, as though she where the the sweetest spouse.
I can’t always, than I need to go to her and tell her I am sorry for the way I treated her, with no mention at all, if she might have given cause to it.
She responds very well to such treatment, as it does the opposite as exaggerating a negative word, Even where she is the one who exaggerates it. I guess that kind of response does not make her feel guilty, as she seems to not be able to handle being guilty.
And this way our relationship can actually grow and build up. With that I should say this attitude needs a lot of unconditional love like a healthy partner needs to be loved unconditionally.
Dear Eric,
I think it’s very important that you recieve treatment for your depression. Many of the medications that help
depression also help with anxiety. Perhaps you could consult with your general practioner, if one medication doesn’t work try another one, don’t give up.
I suffer from depression as well and the medication has been an important component to my overall mental health. Both of my adult sons are bi-polar. One has it much worse than the other and it is important to be emotionally strong and steady, for yourself and for your loved one.
Also I think it’s important to tell your wife when you’re stressed out, before you blow up. She may welcome an opportunity to help you, instead of always being the one in need. Good Luck & God Bless!
Keep doin the best you can as its all you can do. Dont give up, as Gail says give yourself a pat on the back for doin what your doin.I have a similar condition being mine of 30 yrs as manic depressive and now my son at 26 is dealing with it.God help us both , take your meds and remember your not alone.
All I know is my husband and I both have issues. While he has a tendency to go on and on about his, I tend to take care of my own, on my own. He will even go to the point to interrupt me before I can get a word out of my mouth to talk about his issues. His is usually work related or a new bump he found on his skin. I will tell him I have to take care of myself first and this alone will get him to stop thinking about just himself for long enough to be interested. He’s even told me he doesn’t know unless I tell him, to which I reply “When can I squeeze a word in edgewise?” Relationship, illness, outside influences, duties, and responsibilities. That’s a lot to juggle for anyone, I don’t care who you are. And they wonder why bipolar people thin out their friendships and responsibilities.
hi eric,
you do have a lot to deal with, but what is on your side is your attitude-you have a great attitude! you do not sound angry or negative. you sound willing and are seeking support and guidance. that is great! you are taking the rights steps to care for yourself and your wide too!! amazing 🙂 my boyfriend was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and he is an alcoholic and smokes pot -daily! he stopped taking his meds and won’t go to therapy. he also lies to me about things and lied about female friendships. i have tried but its difficult if he isn’t willing to help himself.
expressing your feelings to your wife is important and you will have to work at communication as feelings can easily be misunderstood. it will take effort but it does make a difference and she will understand and this will bring you closer together.
Awesome post David!!!! love this about Eric, I can totally understand what you are saying to him, and your so very right, yes he has his issues as well, and yes, he has to look after him self, get him self help, get strong and gain control of his issues, and then yes he can be a better support for his wife….and yes I commend him big time wanting to be such a wonderful suppport for her….but yes he has to get him self help before he can fullysupport her or he will drain him self to the point where he will be no good what so ever, and he sounds like a very awesome, loving husband.
Communucation is the eky as well…if he feels like he feeling a little locked up or what ever is happening yes he needs to tell his wife “I am feeling this today….it is not you” kind of thing, so then she will know it is nothing she has done, but he is dealing with his own things, and it will make a better understanding between the two of them, instead of not knowing what is going on, and then things begin to happen on not communicating, it is so important when your dealing this kind of situation.
I am very Bi-polar, mostly mood wise, my husband is mildly BP as well, and a lot of times i will be feeling down or just something, and will tell him what is what so he knows what is going on, but a few times he will not say anything, and the fight and nit picking is on all day because I have no clue as to what is going on with him…and in the end, he will tell me later he is just stressed out and needs his space….but knowing that before things would have been different…so yes good communication is the key here…..
**Kudos to you Eric….hope you find the path to your healing and contnue to being such a wonderful supporter to your wife!! your an angel!!!!!
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