Hi,
Hope you’re doing ok.
Today I want to concentrate on you, and on tricks to being a better supporter.
You may be thinking you already know what I’m going to say, but then you might learn a new trick or two, also!
If you haven’t already, read everything
you can on bipolar disorder.
You may have done this when your loved one was first diagnosed, but there is always new information coming out on the subject.
There are new books, information on the Internet, articles at the library, etc.
Also, talk to other supporters, because they might have new information as well.
Stay informed, always stay educated!
One thing I teach in my courses/systems is to NOT be an enabler.
Don’t do things for your loved one that they can do for themselves.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
Another thing you need to do is make your loved one take responsibility for their own decisions, choices, actions, and the consequences of those actions.
Remember, you are NOT an enabler.
It may not be easy to live with the consequences of what your loved one does during an episode, and it may be hard at first to make them take responsibility for them, but you have to.
You are not responsible for what they do, THEY are!
They are an adult, and so are you.
You have to take care of your own decisions, choices, actions, and the consequences of those actions, don’t you?
Then so should your loved one.
This is especially true when they go into an episode.
There may be financial consequences.
There may even be legal consequences.
But if you rescue them every time, what would make them take responsibility?
If you want to be a good supporter, don’t be an enabler!
They should also be responsible for taking their own bipolar medication.
You shouldn’t have to make them take it, or else they will become too dependent on you.
Also, you should never let your guard down.
If you do, your loved one might get lazy and slip back into their old habits, thinking that nobody is looking.
Like not taking their medication, or not going to appointments.
They might even begin to sleep too much (or too little), or to isolate.
They could begin to stress, or be in stressful situations.
These are all triggers to episodes, so you need to watch for them.
Watch for mood changes as well.
You also need to be on guard for all signs and symptoms of both manic and depressive bipolar episodes.
Don’t ever let your guard down, thinking that your loved one has been stable so long that they will never have another episode, because they will!
And, perhaps, the most important advice of all –
Don’t forget to take care of yourself!
You won’t be any good to your loved one if you’re not good to yourself first.
Many a supporter has been known to suffer burn-out because they spent all their time and energy meeting their loved one’s needs but not their own.
It is NOT selfish to take care of yourself!
Think about it this way:
What would your loved one with bipolar disorder do if something ever happened to you?
It’s not just your loved one who has to get the right amount of sleep, exercise, and eat a healthy diet.
You need to do the same thing.
You also need to do some of the same things I tell people with bipolar disorder to do to maintain
their stability, like:
• Maintain balance
• Stay healthy
• Be productive
• Have a hobby
• Have a social life
• Spend time with family
• Have a good relationship
• Etc.
In other words, take care of yourself, and make sure all your needs are met physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
I hope you’ve learned at least one thing you didn’t know before, so you can be a better supporter!
Do you have any other suggestions or tricks to being a better supporter?
Let me know, and I may use them!
Post responses below
I had the mentality of having my older brother take responsibility of his illness after I got him help in 2001. That was when his bipolar was first diagnosed. I had got him back on his feet and he seemed to be doing better. Everytime I saw him, I told him how proud I was of him, to be taking his medications and going to his therapist. I told him that “he was now responsible for his illness”. I had to go through a lot to get him the help he needed in 2001 and I wanted him to know that it was a one-time deal. From there on he was responsible. In 2006 we found my brother dead in his house. He had been there too long for the coroner to decide what caused his death. I do know that the last time everyone talked to him, it sounded like he had went off his meds. I wish I had been more in tune with what was going on with him; may-be I could have helped him. I think that may-be there is an exception to that. Sometimes when they are on their own and you live too far to check in on how their doing; you should still check in on them. People try to go off their meds. to see if they can function better and then it goes down hill in a spiril that they might need intervention again. I beleive in tough love and not being an enabler; but with a person with a mental illness it might be an exception.
Dear Dave, please email me the difference from A ENABLER, and A SUPPORTER!
Thanks in Advance
This is a stressful time for me, and my sister, as she is in another state and is having to do things for herself that she hadn’t done before. I think that inspite of that she hopefully is learning that she can do it, but has not wanted to for a long time. Thinking that she couldn’t do it. Now she is having to be more productive in her surroundings and I am not there. I hope that she will be able to grow stronger as a result. She seems to be doing ok, though I know she is very tired at the end of her dialasys days. And that she is the only one there at that time. She does need to really rest at that time. But she does have people coming in to help with the housecleaning, and meals when she is home and to make sure she has done what is best at the time. I am glad that I could at least get the help established with for her and my mom as well. So I know it won’t be easy, with my mom in the hospital and not knowing if she will be able to return home or if she will have to stay in a nursing home afterwards or have full time care. Which is very probable for her at this time, i.e. my mom needs this. There is talk of possibly also having my sister go into the nursing home, so my mom will have some family there to be around her. I don’t know at this time if we can afford that for her and my sister, having had the residence they are currently in for only a few years. I do think that what you have shared here is good for those who can do that, and hopefully my sister will be able to learn all of that and do what is most needed too. It seems that when there is a time of stress in the family she has been able to make good decisions, and do the right things. For that I am glad.
OR DAVE…..
A think am one step ahead of you. I dont need to no any tricks to being a better surporter. And by the way a think I have been that good has a surporter I have lost track if you no what I mean.
Take Care Of Your Self
I’d been a supporter for years. I got tired. I became DEPRESSED. I asked my Bi-polar wife for help. She made fun of me, met a new guy and walked out on me and my children. What do I do? Should I just move on or prepare myself to be there when she crashes. I am sick and tired of blaming my self. I just had a bad run in life and she treated me like it was my fault. I asked for help for the first time in twelve years and she called me weak and walked out. Don’t I have the right to show my weak points. Will I ever be able to find support in her?
I would like to add one more thing – when you have had enough and you have been blamed enough and abused enough and still the person with the bipolar disorder will not follow through with therapy and getting and staying on the right medication, then as a supporter you are allowed to take a break and protect yourself and heal from the horrific interactions that went on for too long. It may sound selfish but it is the most unselfish thing you can do – just take a 6 month break and try to heal some of the trauma that you have lived through due to the bipolar person. And if each time you try to interact with them the same old habits continue – abuse, blame, acting out – then take a longer break. It doesn’t mean you are gone forever it just means that you had to preserve your own health.
This was a good posting. I find it so hard to find time for myself because I am continually thinking and hoping for a new person to emerge. My son is finally on the right road but financally it it nearly impossible to keep afloat. Thanks again
Dave, what does a person do when they have NO ONE!!!!! No one who helps keep ya in line! No one who is there or gives a crap whether they take meds (which I don’t have any anymore) or cares whether they have or go to appointments! What then?????? I am alone in more ways then anyone even could imagine! I have NO ONE who cares what I do, when I do it, or why! So what do I do now?! I have no income to even live and no one who cares.
To DIANE: I’m “alone,” too. Both my husbands died, and I have no chlidren to rely on. I DO, however, have two cats, who keep me grounded and happy. Is there a pub or club where you live where singles mingle?? It can’t be THAT hard to find and make friends where you are. And, YES, I care that you’re lonely and can’t afford much, but neither can I. Dave keeps talking about “positive attitudes.” Just have an “attitude of gratitude” and things will look up.
If you haven’t read the Bible in awhile, go to Psalms – they have ALWAYS given me comfort in lonely times. The Psalmist David rails at God, but then he praises Him, too. Or – you could go to Church, maybe, and find a friend. It’s not hard to be friendly – if you really WANT a friend.
Take care of yourself, and stop beating yourself up. You can be “alone” and not be “lonely.” There IS a difference. I wish you love and beauty every day of your life.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
I am a fair bit frustrated recently. My boyfriend has been in a depressive episode for a while now. The nice sunny weather helps to cheer him up a little, but he still wants to be left alone a lot. He has the odd day when he seems happy and we enjoy ourselves together. Then I think, oh thank God he’s coming out of it now, but the next day he is withdrawn back into his shell again. Sometimes, when I’m too fed up with my own company I go out with friends, though I would much rather go out with him. This year we have only had 2 good nights out together. My friends don’t understand him, as they have only met him when he was up-beat. They haven’t seen him in a manic episode either. I can only hope and pray that his depression is over soon. He is still recovering from the stress of moving house. I’m very patient and he knows and appreciates that. It’s only human to get frustrated sometimes. As for being responsible for your own actions, my boyfriend wants to be all independent and make his own decisions. He nearly missed his psych appointment the other day, if I hadn’t reminded him. I keep all his appointments in my diary just in case.
I don’t like the idea of “on guard” for all these possibilites. I have lived my life this way with my bp husband! I have decided to let go-not allow. At some point this is my only salvation. I have kept up with meds, seen he had enough sleep, correct diet, on and on….He is capable of making decisions and I want him to do that. I am tired of being accused of “controlling” him. I am backing up and his psychiatrist will be the MAIN one with him to make those decisions. Yes, after years with bp husband living with me I am seeing a therapist and this is her advice. I AGREE!!! I must take care of ME.
I found this article slightly alarming. I have bipolar disorder and it really stinks to see information for supporters of loved ones with it, yet the manner in which this states some of its points(ie….stable so long they will never have another episode-they will!!!!) is that supposed to sound of impending doom or what? I think supporters of bipolar should definitely be informed of signs to look for and methods for coping, them self and their loved one. The stigma associated with bipolar sucks! Educating people with factual information based experiences that worked. I’m bipolar- I’m not some crazy loose cannon that will make the 6o’clock news because I had a bad day.
How to keep one’s balance when u r sandwiched between two bipolars a son who refuses to take any treatment and a husband who has married himself off but still wants to be in touch.Your e mails have been a great source of comfort and encouragement and enabled me to somehow pull along.Thanks a lot for all your kind support.
Well, I was ok till Monday, when we had to get my son admitted! I wish there was a magic wond that could fix the bipolar problem. i am not sure how much more I can take. Things happen and we back slide, he is back to hearing voices that are even telling him to kill me and my husband. There are times when I just want to throw up my hands and be done with it. Then his mood changes and i wouldn’t trade him for the world. So that is how I am doing. I really hope no one else has to go trhgou what I am going through!
Dave;
Why is it you say:
“Their is more news about BP comming out every Day.”
Why/How when FACTS do NOT change?
Why & How does the DSM change, it is ever changing, ever Growing, the way it is NOW I couls, “medicate” the World, thus achieving the Goal of World domination, World Government…
The end of Civilisation.
And YOU my little Freien are pushing it, all so as to gain a Few lousy Bucks, B4 the Collapse of Mankind…
I agree with Susan, their are good people to be found at Church.