Bipolar Supporter? Are You Doing This?

Hi,

How’s your day going?

I hope it is a good one.

Yesterday I was talking to an old acquaintance, and I was shocked to hear just how annoying she had become. I’m not meaning to sound rude, but it seemed like the only thing she did the entire time we talked was complain.

Apparently her new boyfriend couldn’t do anything right, and her babysitter was causing problems. There were other things she complained about also, but I won’t bore you with all of them.

I was surprised by how inconsiderate she was being by complaining constantly, but I was even more surprised to realize a bitter truth. That truth is: how often are we, as bipolar supporters, complainers just like she was?

How often do we spend so much time complaining about the things we don’t like, when we could be focusing on the things we do? How often do we waste our time that way, when we could be doing something more productive? That’s right, wasted time.

How many better ways could we be spending our time? I can think of a few. Can you?

I know it’s easy to fall into the pattern of complaining. I’ve certainly done it a few times. I think we all have had at least a few moments when we just need to vent everything that’s been going on with us lately. Everybody has those moments, whether they are a supporter of someone who has bipolar disorder or not. And as long as it stays an every-once-in- a-while thing, there’s nothing wrong with it.

But sometimes we let it go too far. Sometimes we let ourselves get so carried away in complaining about our loved ones that we forget that there are good things we can be talking about also. There is, after all, a difference between venting and complaining.

And there is a point where we spend so much energy complaining that we even forget that the person we are talking to might have something to say also. That’s when we run the risk of being as annoying as that old acquaintance of mine.

So what can we do to avoid all of this negativity? I know some people who would call that “negative energy” – I don’t really know what that means, but I know it isn’t something we want to have.

One of the things we can do to avoid negativity is simply to be positive. Go figure, right? It seems so simple! And guess what? It is!

All we have to do is think about the things that we really do love about our loved ones, and focus on them. That doesn’t mean that we have to ignore the bad things, or forget that they exist. It just means that they shouldn’t be the center of our focus.

Instead, when they do things that we can’t stand, we should allow ourselves to cope with the problem at hand, and then calm down and remember why we love them. After all, that’s what this is all about, isn’t it?

No one would be reading these emails if we didn’t love our loved ones. I wouldn’t even be writing these emails if I didn’t love my mother! But we all know that I love my mother, and you love your loved one.

So why do we complain about them? Most of the time it is out of frustration. So instead of complaining to a third party about something we are frustrated about, why can’t we just calm down and then talk to our loved one about what frustrates us?

This has to be done very carefully, of course. And it should be done when they are not in an episode, if that is at all possible.

But if we could just carefully approach our loved ones and say something like “Hey, you know it really frustrates me when you do this, do you think we can talk about what could be done instead?” How much of a difference do you think that would make? I can only imagine (and hope) that it would make a huge difference!

It would certainly be better than complaining about them to people who aren’t involved (and let’s face it, people who probably don’t care!) So instead of complaining, I’d like it if all of us – including me – would try to deal with the problem at hand and focus on the positive.

What do you think? Does that sound like a plan?

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

  1. reminds me of a test a speaker gave to a group of people He took a big sheet of paper and in the middle placed a black dot…then asked the audience..What do you see? majority response was I see a black dot. then he asked if that was all they saw… response : majority said yes. then he asked Don’t you see the bigsheet of white paper? Shows natural tendency to focus on the negive.

  2. “hey”….davie.. Wat you saying approach the lover ha ha…and let him no your soft points…GIve him something to play on I don’t think so… You have to have the knowlege to understand how some one works.. Take Care Linda…

  3. Thanks for bringing that up. I try to stay 50/50 on that one. Sometimes it gets to be too much but i try to stay positive as well. So easy to emphasize the negative.

  4. I believe in what you say i deal with my sister bipolar all the time but my brotherinlaw dont make it any better he yelled scream and curses at her when she in her episode he even restrain her like the jail house way i think he is not nothing the right approach i told him to talk to her calming and be nice and not yell at her. What should i tell him.

  5. i believe everyone has positive thoughts hidden somewhere… by talking and giving our loved loves(ourseves included)sopport we can encourage the positive to out shine the negative thoughts that do come without effort.giving compliments,a smile,a gentle touch will help edge out happier moments.a bad experience has its positives like it was a sunny day,had a nice cup of tea to ease the negative,even take time out a shower is great(peaceful mind).

  6. I understand what this girl is saying I wish that we could get our families to understand but, the only way we can is to buy this book by Wes Burgess MD PHD. Bipolar Handbook for children, teens, and families. I have learned so much from it. The Bipoloar Handbook alone is good, but the one for families really explains it in so much more detail. It makes it easier to understand. With more understanding. Dr Burgess really has an insight into the illness or as he calls it and I like it told a dis-ease, because if you find the right medication that is all that it is, a dis-of-ease. I have learned a lot from these books and was the best investment I have made in quite some time. I hope this helps someone. Do not really know where or who this is going too, but do treat yourself to the books if you are bipolar or someone you love is. Because it is very important to know about the disease and to know what you can expect and should know about it. Kase

  7. Dear dave, in the very beginning and indeed through out the inital stages of Rachels hospitalisation for BP I do believe I wore the ears and minds out of most of my family all of my friends my doctor my collegues at work and a few strangers.I I must have wornout their patience and love and caring, because soon enough they would all see me and make a run for it. Because no matter what no matter how many times I repeated my complaints about Rachel and how bad she treated me and how bad the situation was- merely reciting the situation like the tired litany it was- THE RECITATION DIDNT DO A BLIND BIT OF GOOD and it ( complaining all the time) didn’t help to change things for the better.
    So over time ( because I couldn ‘t find anyone who would listen to me anymore ) I changed because I desperately needed to belong to the village the community I wasn’t just this victim pathetic creature who had a mentally ill daughter thatnneded everyone to feel sorry for her.
    I had to find the hope my daughter was going to get better ,and it was on this blog site that I found the words that expressed that hope and the ways a supporter could attain this state.
    and I found hope , its called educating myself about the disease and I haven’t looked back
    regards
    sho

  8. so how would you approach a 11 year old boy? He is severe and I have had to restrian him numerous of times. I try talking to him but it never seems to help,so I do go to my friends and talk. They are very supportive and constantly tell me they do not know how I do it everyday…

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