Hi,
Many (most) parents raise their children to believe that they can do anything they set their minds to. If they want to be a doctor, they can do that. If they want to be a lawyer, they can do that. If they want to help people, they can do that. If they want to work with their hands, they can pick a profession (like auto mechanic) where they can do that.
They see their child and their particular gifts and talents, and they try to steer them in a direction that will use those gifts and talents, while all the time telling them that they can be anything and do anything that they want to.
That’s positive reinforcement. That’s a good thing for a parent to do. That’s a good thing for a bipolar supporter to do as well.
You shouldn’t let their bipolar disorder hold them back. But it shouldn’t hold you back, either. You should still be able to do anything you want to do, too.
If you still want to work a full-time job, for example, you should be able to do that without worrying about what your loved one will do without having you around. If you do, that’s called codependency. If they get in trouble without you around, perhaps they are too dependent on you to keep them out of trouble, and that is not a healthy thing. You should be able to trust them to be ok when you’re not around, at least as much as to be able to work.
However, I know one woman who tried to work, but her husband would call her 10 and 12 times a day at work, until she was let go from work because they said they just couldn’t have that happening.
Your loved one needs to have something to do while you work so that they don’t do things like that. They need to be productive in their own right so that they are not so dependent on you. They need to have their own strong support network, and their own social network as well.
They could even have their own job – either part-time, or even a volunteer position, just something that gets them out of the house – or even a home business might work for them.
You should also be able to have your own friends that you can see when you want. It is healthy for you to have a social life outside of your loved one so that their bipolar disorder doesn’t overwhelm you. Go to lunch with a friend every once in a while – it will do you good.
For your own mental and emotional well-being, you should be able to go out and do things on your own. You shouldn’t feel trapped by your loved one. And you shouldn’t feel guilty at leaving them alone at home, or fear for what might happen. They should be learning how to manage their own disorder, and to be independent to some degree. They shouldn’t need you to such a degree that you can’t do what you want to do, or it isn’t healthy.
If you feel as if your loved one and/or their bipolar disorder is holding you back, then you need to talk to them about it. You need to be able to do the things you need and want to do.
Your Friend,
Dave
In reality, what happens when you have your own life, without them is they get paranoid you are having an affair ! The paranoia over just this issue, is overwhelming and ridiculous. So it is difficult to have your own life and even have your own friends, because no matter what you do without them they think you are cheating on them. For 20 years I have been faithful to one man. But having strong friendships along the way made him more crazy. Any support I tried to put into place for me and the kids he would destruct as fast as possible because he wanted ALL attention on him. So even though you don’t want a codependency set up and you know it is not healthy, it happens because the abuse and therefore fear from the spouse with mental illness. A lot of what they do is triangulate and control is a major issue for them, when what would make things better is controlling their own behavior not everyone else with their rages !