Hi,
I came across this post on my blog the other day, and feel like I need to respond to it, as this woman talks about so many problems:
“Hi Dave, this is a good one, really made me think about my supporter, oh wait, I do not have
any! I am all alone in dealing with my Bi-polar, even though I am married….my husband is so
not a supporter! he thinks Bi-polar is just all in the mind, and I need to be stronger, and not be so
weak! (and he is bi-polar to, but refuses to deal with it!) So I deal my Bi-polar on my own, read
your fanstastic information here, read books onto how to help control it. I am not on any medication, have not been for a while, I was many years ago…thinking maybe I may need to be, I am under a lot of stress and depression, as my marriage is failing, it feels that way, my husband and I are not doing very well, pretty far apart, argue, fight, all that great stuff in marriage. So I am not sure what to do with all of this, feel very alone and alineated, no one to talk to, no one to turn to, not sure how long this can go on, but dealing with it the best I can.”
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So many problems! I feel so sorry for this poor woman. But let me address the issues one at a time. The first thing she talks about is not having a supporter. This is such an important issue.
You need to form a good, strong support system in order to manage bipolar disorder effectively.
Whether you have bipolar disorder or are supporting someone who does, it is so very important that you have a good, strong support system to help you. Especially if you’re the supporter.
Because if you are the only one your loved one has to depend on, you will burn out. And you also need others to whom you can turn so that you have support for yourself, just to take care of yourself, so that you can continue to take care of your loved one. So having a good, strong support system is crucial to being able to manage bipolar disorder. You just can’t do it alone.
At the very least, you need a team of medical and mental health professionals to support you with a good treatment plan in place to help you. And this woman says nothing about that.
In fact, she clearly states another HUGE problem: That she is NOT on medication! That could be the crux of all her other problems. No, there is no cure for bipolar disorder yet. But there is treatment for it. And the best treatment is still medication. But that won’t do you any good if you don’t take it. This woman said she used to take it, but doesn’t take it any more. I wonder if things were better for her when she did take it? Because things usually are. And she needs to get back on it for the best hope of managing her bipolar disorder. She says that she is dealing with things the best she can, but she would be able to deal with things so much better if she were on medication.
She would also be able to deal with things so much better if she were seeing a psychiatrist and therapist on a regular basis. A psychiatrist would help her regulate her medication and help her with any medication changes that needed to be made. A therapist would help her cope and deal with any issues related to her bipolar disorder, like the problems she is having with her marriage.
One of the biggest problems is that she says that her husband also has bipolar disorder, but won’t deal with it. He needs to get help for it, but she can’t make him. And that’s a big problem. So she also needs to learn to be a supporter to her husband, while managing her own disorder.
This woman has a lot of problems, but her bipolar disorder can still be managed. She just needs to tackle one problem at a time and they will fall into place, starting with getting back on her
medication.
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
I think this would be very helpful for my husband(bi-polar) and I. However, it is way to expensive for us as I am unemployed and my husband is soon to be this summer. This has been a difficult time for him, due to switching jobs and finding out the job he thought was the right one turned out to be a bad situation. He will not seek help. His new Dr (VA) is not very helpful. The last visit we were in his office a total of 20 min. I am very upset that it seems only people who have the money are the ones that are able to receive the help that is needed.
This is not an illness to try and manage on your own. We need support and the supporter also needs some support mechanisms. I spent 35 years in denial until 2009. I had been on/off medication. I reconciled my condition and have been on medication consistantly since 2009. It helps stabilse us from day to day. There are other things we can do too – all things in moderation is a good maxim. We need a healthy diet and learn to relax. Do things that occupy you in a meaningful way – that give you pleasure and stimulate your mind and encourage you to take up new interests. Get out and exercise; it will help you sleep better. A lack of proper restful sleep is a downer for us. Be positive about yourself, as much as possible. There will be times when you need more help but learn to to help yourself. You are not an “island” look for like-minded people in your community, not just others with the illness but those who can benefit from your inspiration. Its not all “take” in this illness; its “give” too. By giving you take yourself out of that negative frame of mind that can slowly creep up on us. Learning to live with this illness is a lifetime’s work but its not in vain. We all have much to offer the world, no-matter what our frailties are. Good luck and good health to all.
Phil.
This woman sounds ALOT like my sister. However, I have NOT had any contact with my sister for years. When I DID find out that she had the symptoms of Bi
Polar and was seeing a psychiatrist, she denied everything. So, I never mentioned it again nor do I
stay in contact with her. She was definitely in denial and she’s NEVER listened to me nor taken my advice (she only wanted money) so, I told other family members that they should get involved with her & find out the root of her problems. I DO think her husband has a disability (as well), but I don’t know if it’s Bi Polar. They have lived away from the rest of the family for years and never discusses their health issues. They only contact my brothers when they need money (which seems to be quite frequent, these past few years). I tried to find out the REAL truth (but since I won’t give her any money, she doesn’t stay in contact with me)to her depression issues: constantly out of work, constantly moving from apartment to apartment,asking for money, etc. however, she was NOT going to discuss her problems with ME nor was she able to talk about her illness.
When SHE DID ask my brother for some help, he did’nt think nor did he take her seriously and brushed her off – giving her MORE of an insecurity complex & I would have just made her feel MORE insecure had I gotten involved. So, for years, NO ONE wants to help her and I REALLY feel bad about the situation. But, I can’t get her to talk to me about her illness/insecurity issues, not to mention she lives states away from me. I DO want to help her but if she doesn’t want to help herself 1st, I don’t feel I can do much about her problems unless she is willing to confide in me – AND THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!
That is the most important choice of all she could do is get back on meds . I to tryed off meds but doesnt work its not all in your mind it is because of a part of the brain does not produce the chemical that a person with bipolar needs. I have to remind family that I sometimes need support.
Dave Dave
could it be unconditional love between a man and woman like Mother’s Milk? I don’t understand this myself. My Cousin was telling about a man with sooooo many prooblems ranging from Financial to Familial – unless there’s something special he is not revealing — THIS PERSISTENT “NEIGHBOR” A VERY ATTRACTIVE ONE AT THAT – STILL IS STICKING BY HIS SIDE AND HELPING HIM GO THROUGH THE MYRIAD — THAT’S ONE LUCKY DRAW!!!!
THIS TYPE OF LUCK ONLY COMES A DIME IN A DOZEN – I ENJOY YOUR ADVICE AND SUGGESTIONS BUT I AGREE — NEED WHAT THIS ONE MAN WITH HIS MANY PROBLEMS FOUND — A GOOD SUPPORT SYSTEM AND THAT SHE IS!!!!!!!!!!!
Mary Mary
I have found in my cast, I am bipolar -1-, I have a caring Dr. who listens to me, gives an ajustment at medications times, am fortune enough to have a caring older woman councler who listens to me and tell me how to view thing from her history of things. Like what to keep in my memories and those things which are toxic to dismiss. Have spiritual friends also just a few who I will listen to who really care about me to tell me the truth about their feelings and why they say so. Then I journal about it and see if the ajustments I’ve made makes any changes in me, and you know what, I have made changes.. One was reliving all of my crystal clear bad memories, as if they were standing right in front of me, as it was still haunting me daily, toxic stuff very painful things. They all said I needed to purge this but how I said. They likened all this toxic stuff as driving a car. I was driving trying to go forward fast looking through the rear view mirror. It took some time but now I do not see the past. I do not review the past. It is over can not change it will not see it any more it was eating me up with negitive energy. Now I am happily remarried 1 year working still almost 20 years part time. Do not forget to many thing. My memories are getting better. David thanks for all your incouragement…
Do we know if this woman really has bipolar. What if she has a co-occuring disorder with excessive neediness that drains the caregiver and gives what support she could return to others instead??
This is especially true with so called stypical rapid cycling bipolar.
She has problems… well. yes. But listen to my story: I am bipolar, my daughter is borderline> violent and suicidal, my ex-spouse is a sick alcoholic, narcissist and my current supporter is a psychopath. No, this is not a joke. After 8 or so years of trying to figure him out I came to the conclusion my own suporter is a psychopath. I found out by meticulously following his steps and his ‘smoke curtains’, he was so contradictory it was quite easy to follow his tracks, he was careless cause he subestimated me. But I was observing, and taking notes… What is also part of his falsetto is that he supports me,(hence here I have access to your newsletters) I am bipolar, but much less dangerous than him (he tried to kill me once and almost succeeded). I ran away and am planning to have him see a doctor before I move in to live with him, in the next 2-3 months… As all ‘good’ bipolars, I have debts, I am working hard currently while the rest of the ‘crew’ around me has negative attitudes and seems their destiny should be a mental ward, for safety. I think maybe… my psychopath supporter has deliria about me, (my financial situation, perhaps?) calls me a LIAR almost every day yet all I do is tell all the truth to everyone around cause I have nothing to hide. I lie to my borderline daughter. I have to hide how much money I make, cause she has a sociopath boyfriend who is dangerous. So, what do I do Dave, call the Police?
I can relate to this woman. My husband and I both have Bi-Polar. He says he will lose his Bus Driving job if he seeks help from a psychiatrist. He is a good family supporter,regarding everyday living needs.
I only have one good friend and i have no support from family because i have a small family and they all have mental health issues. I’m afraid to find new friends and basically only seek people at self help groups to talk to for support and advice.
When it comes to my Bi Polar heubby just tells me be quiet and go take your pills. I do take my meds regularly but also struggle with the costs of my meds so i have to take less to get by and it takes the edge off.I beleive this woman will feel better on her meds as it will stabilize her. It always helps me see things better and different when i’m on my meds.I get frustrated now and then when i get distorted thinking and get tired of taking meds and relying on them,but i also get scared and think that if i don’t take them i will be a mess and freaking out.I do notice when i take my meds regularly that i get along better and react better most of the time to my husband. I agree counseling or going to self help support groups will be very helpful and releave some of the stressors and low feelings.I’m working on getting my self to a few groups like that.I get nervous around groups of people so i’m slowly trying to motivate myself. I would say she could check listings in her area for free groups or talk with a Pastor or church members.You can make a difference in your marriage.Sometimes when your feeling good and taking care of yourself staying stabilized,you might notice you will be more calm and less reactive to everything that’s said or done.Finding happines within yourself independently sometimes makes our husbands see us differently and they may even have a little change in themselves. God Bless and Best Wishes to all.Thank you for sharing this comment alot of us can relate to.
i am a caretaker.it has been a long difficult road.sometime i just want to give up.my son is 27 been in and out of state hospitals,rehab,and jail. where he is currently.he is in denial and wont take the meds the drs recomend.he is so mixed up he doesnt know what is real and isnt real.anyway how can i help him while he is in jail and not on any meds.can i get help for him while he is jail?
Dave, I am so glad you posted this story! As a new supporter, I learned a lot from this post. I learned how important it is for my loved one to have a supporter, and by reading about her issues & concerns, how I would feel if I didn’t have a supporter if I ever had the disorder myself.
I agree with you. They BOTH need to get on medication and get to a therapist as soon as they can to save themselves and their marriage. Of course things seem overwhelming to her right now because she is not on the medication, and I believe that if they were both on the medication, they would notice a big difference in how well they could handle their issues within themselves and one another. My prayers go out to her and her husband in hopes they will be able to recognize this, and get the extended help they need.