Hi, how’s it going? I hope you’re doing well.
This is an excerpt that actually comes from Alcoholics Anonymous, but I think you will be able to relate to it:
“…unless I accept life completely
on life’s terms, I cannot be happy.
I need to concentrate not so much
on what needs to be changed in
the world as on what needs to be
changed in me and my attitudes.”
Today I want to talk about living with the big D:
DISAPPOINTMENT
Disappointment is very common not only in life in general, but in bipolar disorder specifically. And learning how to deal with it is important.
Here’s another excerpt to illustrate what I’m talking about:
“When I am disturbed, it is because
I find some person, place, thing or
situation – some fact of my life –
unacceptable to me, and I can find
no serenity until I accept that person,
place, thing or situation as being
exactly the way it is supposed to be
at this moment.”
What both excerpts are talking about is accepting things the way they are instead of the way you’d like them to be. And that’s where I hear a lot of complaints at some of the support groups I attend. Sometimes I hear more griping about the supporter’s loved one than anything else.
DISAPPOINTMENT
It runs rampant in trying to help someone with bipolar disorder. You might even be disappointed
in yourself, thinking you could do better. Or be a better supporter. Maybe because your loved one isn’t as far along in their stability as you think they should be. But bipolar disorder is funny that way. Stability with bipolar disorder doesn’t happen overnight. There are bound to be disappointments on the way. You have to work very hard for it, do the things you need to do for it. And that may include, like the excerpt said, “…accept life completely on life’s terms.”
You might not be able to control the people, places, things and situations around you, but you
CAN control your reaction to them.
DISAPPOINTMENT
Is that what you feel sometimes? If you do, first understand that this is normal for a supporter to feel. Your loved one might go into an episode, and that will bring on disappointment, because you may have been under the misconception that they would never have another one. But if you accept that they will have another bipolar episode at some point, and you plan for that, you can
avoid this disappointment.
Don’t expect your loved one to be able to be perfectly stable, because that is unrealistic. Nobody is perfect, and no one with bipolar disorder can have perfect stability. There will still be ups and downs. But, hopefully, gradually there will be more ups than downs.
If you “accept life on life’s terms,” however, things will go much easier for you. If you concentrate more on what needs to be changed in you and your attitudes rather than your loved one, that also will go much easier for you.
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
Being Bipolar and dealing with disappointment is a challenge. MY mind seems to run rampant with thoughts that are not een related to the issue at hand. Its these thoughts that create problems for myself because I listen to them. I know, somewhere deep down inside me this attitude is wrong and yet, it always seems to transpire and sents me for a loop. I am at a spiraling point right now, and I know it. I am trying very hard to keep my wits and my attitude positive and this is a struggle. I so yearn for happiness and freedom from bondage of self, the thoughts that i contend with that drag me down. How do I meet this challenge?
thank u david,your emails always
help me so much,my son is bipolar
a history of it in our family
when i read your emails,they always
lift me up,thanks again,verna
9-26-2011
Do not believe bipolar is always a correct diagnosis. It is sometimes a catch all diagnosis when symptoms can not be figured out.
As an adult with bipolar disorder, I have had many disappointments in life over many years. Specific recent disappointments include marital issues, financial difficulties and problems with other family members. In therapy, I am learning to accept these things as just a part of life. Personally, I am still struggling to attain stability after my suicide attempt several months ago, and this is truly the only thing I have control over. There is nothing easy about it, though, and I often have feelings of guilt over the suicide attempt and how difficult it is for my husband and family to cope with my illness. The road is long and hard but I do not intend to give up. I have found hope in the midst of despair.
I have the big D going on right now. My husband has decided to move out. We all see his depression except for him. He keeps saying he is fine but we all know better. I am not fighting it this time around and I am not sure how I feel about that. We have agreed to marriage counseling but I am not sure in his state of mind that it is even worth it right now. sorry that was self pity and counter productive. we have talked and he agrees that moving out is not the end all of us. I am just stressing because I know that he is moving about an hour awayand he is pretty dependent on me lately and I feel like I am failing im because I refuse to do it right now. Am I wrong that I may actually be looking forward to this? I mean he has not been properly medicated in over 4 years and well it seems like the dr’s and counselors all know better than I do. I mean I have only lived with him for the last 9 years so of course someone who has only seen him 50 mins twice a month for ayear knows him better than I do. Ugh does dissappointment come with frustration? I just want to be clear I am not giving up just not fighting right now. I cant decide if this seperation willbe a break or more of a hassel!! Great topic David and as always just what I needed when I needed it. If any one knows any face to face support groups in the middlesex county NJ areas please let me know!!
Hello, Dave and readers,
Lynn here, ‘real’ alcoholic, recovered fm. ‘a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body’ [=quoted fm. the A.A. ‘Big Book’] Thank you, Dave, for giving A.A. the credit, for one of the Program’s most-oft-quoted part of the BB. I’ve recently found out that I have breast cancer, so I’m gonna be ‘trudging the road of happy destiny,’ as the BB also says. Pls. pray for me, the Dr.’s, and all medical and lay helpers, who’ll be helping me, over the next few mos.If you wish, my addy is
sawyer7952@yahoo.com
Thanks for letting me share.
Lynn S.
My worst problem is extreme disappointment with past relationships that did not work out (both male and female). I keep thinking maybe if I’d done something differently…I have to keep on reminding myself that the past is PAST…and after trying (unsucessfully) to return to past relationships, I am finally starting to be at peace with that fact.
To DEE DEE: You must ALSO remember that it takesTWO to form a relationship. Just because the “past is past,” doesn’t necessarily indicate it’s YOUR fault tha ttte relationship failed. You know where YOU stand wth the other person, but they also have a role to play. In otherwords, it’s not always YOUR fault a relationship fails. It might also mean the other person has an agenda themselves. So, don’t beat yourself up over a failed/doomed relationship – we can’t read the other person’s mind or what they want from us. You CAN just chalk it up to “let bygones be bygones,” and forget about it..
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I continue to pray for my country.
disappointment.. yeps, I has had those and well…. I feel that right now. But over all, life is with her better than without her (My GF). Before, I just went LONG walk to get steam out of my system or do something else that she is not near me… that I do not say something to her that I will be unhappy later. I do know that I have tittled to feel a way as I feel. Yes, I do love her a huge. And we has been together about 11 years now. Well, nowday I just has to find new way to get that steam of dissapontment out of my system. What I need for that.. practice, practise, practise… sometime on this is just like walking on eggshels where the everyone eggs has scorpione inside.
-Pekka from Oulu, Nothern-Europe..
Thanks,Suzanne. That’s good advice. As I said, I’ve finally come to a place in my life where I can truly let go of the past, but it STILL comes back to haunt my in my dreams at night, frequently. It’s almost like some kind of strange obsession that takes over me.
It is SOOO difficult for me to “get” that even if I had done some things differently, it probably wouldn’t have altered the outcome of those failed relationships. I believe that the problem is: Each of those relationships occurred before my diagnosis of bipolar disorder in early 2006. I was quite up and down, and I KNOW I upset a lot of people who just didn’t understand. Hell, I didn’t understand it myself. Now of course I know that wasn’t my fault, but somehow I still feel some measure of guilt for all the awful things I said or did. Oh well, c’est la vie.
I am much better now than then. Thanks again for your wise comments. 🙂
Dear Dave, I am from Santiago, Chile. I have been reading your messages for many years. Y thank you from my heart your words, as they comfort me .
I am the mother of three children with bipolar disorder.
The three of them live with us, The eldest is 24,the other is 19, and the youngest is 11 years old.
How hard is each day! Thank you Dave, for your great human value., Roxanna
i used to watch this soap called Luz Clarita about a cute little girl – I don’t even speak the language but episode after episode, I understood the theme because I “was willing” to understand it………I trusted I would!
THE QUESTION IS: CAN I TRUST????
WILL NEED TO DO THAT TO ACCEPT LIFE ON LIFE’S TERMS…
THIS WONDERFULLY CRAZY THING THAT ALMOST DRIVES US ALL UP THE WALL CALLED LIFE – CAN I TRUST IT???
IF I CAN, THEN I’M WELL ON MY WAY TO ACCEPT IT ON IT’S TERMS….IT’S LIEK CHILDREN AND FOOD – STARVED AND THEY WON’T TRUST
IT’S LIKE WOMEN AND THEIR “DADDY FIGURES” IF THEY HAD A GOOD DADDY THEY GROW UP AND GENERALLY TRUST MEN AND DO NOT EXPECT HURT OR DISAPPOINTMENT, DO THEY????
A FOUNDATION LAYS THE BRICK TO THE BUILDING
SOOOOOO THIS THING CALLED LIFE CAN I TRUST IT??? SOMETIMES WHEN THE ANSWERS ARE BLURRY ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS “BE STILL” TRUST THE UNIVERSAL ENERGIES THAT “YOU” BELIEVE ARE COMING FROM A HIGHER SOURCE AND SIMPLY TRUST IT AND ALL THESE THINGS WILL BE TAKEN CARED OF SUCH AS THE
BIPOLAR, ALCOHOL OR EVEN MEN-ADDICTIONS……HAPPINESSES RULES, DON’T WORRY BE HAPPY